April The Giraffe

Fun With Giraffes


I was going to take today off but I figured if April could squeeze out a tiny giraffe then I can squeeze out another cartoon. I still plan to kinda chill tonight, watch a movie, and attempt to sleep sort of like a normal person. In a bed and not upside down from a tree branch.

That giraffe finally gave birth. The zoo in Podunk, New York were expecting the baby to be born between mid-January and mid-February, but April waited for April. She still has time to finish her taxes. And if you had Trump releasing his taxes before April delivering a new giraffe, pay up.

April became an internet sensation as people logged in to see her give birth but only saw a live stream of what appeared to be a bored giraffe. Hey, she’s on the left side of the pen. Now she’s on the right side of the pen. It seems giraffes, when they’re not hooking up with other giraffes to make tiny giraffes, don’t do much more than pace. Eventually views decreased. Who knew being a giraffe could be so boring? It was like watching Lords Of The Rings.

April’s baby is here and it’s already walking. My great-nephew (great as in my brother’s daughter’s baby) is over a year old and just now figured out walking. Of course he didn’t have the advantage of cooking for 15 months, which I’m sure my niece is thankful for. She won’t see this post. No one in my family reads my work.

April’s baby daddy, Oliver, who is also a giraffe, will not be involved in the care and raising of his baby. That’s really not the slacking off of responsibility one would expect from an Oliver. I’d expect an Oliver to be buying savings bonds, being at every soccer game, and yelling to the little giraffe to turn the music down and with Oliver Jr. screaming back  “you don’t understand me!” and somewhere 28 years later someone’s playing “giraffes in the cradle. But no. All male giraffes wanna do is fight and make more giraffes. If there’s a program to study that I’m sure Trump’s cutting the funding.

That’s all the smart-assness you’re getting out of me until Monday morning. I’m now four days ahead with my cartoons. Crazy! Now if any of you want to recommend what movie I watch tonight, I’m all ears. First to suggest “LOTR” is cut off!

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Naughty With A Long Neck


April is a giraffe at the Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York. April is expecting a baby. The park is running a live cam of April so the world can watch her give birth. Apparently some people didn’t like it.

The cam is live streaming on Youtube. Some people who hate zoos and animal parks flagged the video for, I’m not making this up, “nudity and sexual content.” They might have a point there because April is indeed naked. And do you know how she got knocked up? By doing it. It was probably unplanned casual giraffe sex. Do we know who the father is? Probably that one giraffe who never calls.

Two things: You really gotta be a sick pervert to think there’s something erotic about a naked giraffe. I know there are bestiality freaks on the internet so, ew. The other thing is, birth is not sexual content. I’ve been in a delivery room and while my son is not a giraffe, I can assure you, there’s nothing that can kill your libido more than a live birth. You’re fortunate if you can even look at those things again.

I do not want to see April give birth. It’s not that I think it’s wrong to show it to the public or I’m against zoos. It’s that I’m a wimp. I never want to see another birth ever again in my life. I don’t even want to watch an egg hatch. I am a squeamish wimp.

I know a lot of people, liberals especially, are against zoos. I’m not one of them. Sure, there are bad zoos and facilities that aren’t responsible. It would be better if every animal was allowed to remain in their natural habitat. But some natural habitats pose serious risks to animals, such as poaching. Also, zoos deserve a lot of credit for preventing several species from becoming extinct.

Back to April: People can be stupid. One of the officials at the park said “This is a perfect example of why we can’t have nice things.” He’s right. It’s because of stupid people. Because of them we can’t allow children to use restrooms without being bullied, can’t have a federal government without Nazis running it, or even have a nice president.

Good luck, April. Try not to stick your neck out too far.

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