Oh Noah He Didn’t


Wanna see something really stupid? Go to Kentucky.

No, I’m not saying you just go to Kentucky, as if that entire state is stupid….well it has given us Mitch McConnell, and that county clerk who refuses to give gay people a marriage license. Nope, it gets dumber in the Bluegrass state.

Some nutjob went and built a replica of Noah’s Ark. And it has dinosaurs.

I don’t mind religious people. People can have faith. Just about everyone I know believes in a god of some sort. What gets me are the creationists and willful ignorance of science.

You can believe God flooded the world and that a guy named Noah built an ark within seven days of the flood and put two species of every animal on the ark. Never mind the questions of how did animals from other continents get upon an ark in the Middle East. Seriously, did kangaroos hop all the way across the oceans from Australia? What about sloths from South America? They move like sloths. I hope they got more of an advance notice than God gave Noah. They would have needed an ark to get to the ark.

Facts get in the way of believing in the ark story, just like every story in the Bible. There’s never been any evidence found of the ark. The logistics are impossible. Other societies, such as in nearby Egypt and Mesopotamia kept right on rolling along during the time frame of the flood. No interruptions. They kept building, writing, and flogging people.

The things that really bother me about creationism is that it teaches ignorance. It teaches stupidity. You don’t want your kids to grow up to be Sarah Palin believing the Earth is only 6,000 years old and man walked around with dinosaurs. Quite frankly, creationism’s science is worse than The Flintstones.

In fact, some of the animals displayed in this Kentucky disaster of ARKitecture are dinosaurs. Yeah, Noah put velociraptors on the ark. I’m sure everyone got along great! Yabba Dabba delicious.

The costs of the ark is around $100 million. There was a lot of private money and donations, but in a direct violation of Church and State, there is government support. The state of Kentucky is financing stupidity. We’re already living in a nation where public acceptance of evolution is the second lowest of 34 developed countries, just ahead of Turkey.

What that means is the ark has Tax Incentive Financing. The best way to explain it to dummies (creationists) is that the builders are given an interest-free loan, but the taxes pay off the loan. The ark got $62 million in loans. I doubt Noah got a loan. And seriously, if it took $62 million in government money to help build this ark, then how did Noah build it in a week when everyone was laughing at him? Seriously, people. You need to ask yourself these questions.

And get this: Every employee has 2% taken out of their wages to pay for the ark. How would you like to work at Wal-Mart and have part of your paycheck go back to subsidizing Wal-Mart? This ark is not a charity case. It’s for profit.

Bill Nye, the science guy, visited the ark. He wanted to see how successful it could be. He thought it could be some cute Americana where you see odd and unusual places. He left believing children are being brainwashed.

If you believe dinosaurs walked the Earth at the same time as humans, that God flooded the entire planet, Noah built an ark within seven days and stocked it with two species of every animal, and that the planet is only a few thousand years old…then you may as well believe Pokemons were on the ark too.

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  1. What I find fascinating is that, while the Biblical version of Noah is myth, it is a myth shared with other cultures, with similar details (great deluge, world-as-you-know-it wiped out; dude rides out flood with livestock on floating thing and survives to tell the tale). Thing is — THAT may have happened.

    Archeologists have ample evidence that an entire civilization lived in a valley of what is now the basin of the Black Sea. Melting glaciers slowly filled up the nearby Mediterranean until the water finally spilled over and filled the next valley. Undersea digs have found early towns on the bottom of the Black Sea, and there is evidence that its people used large reed rafts to navigate the lake those communities surrounded.

    So, the thinking goes, one day the rising water breaks through and begins to flood the valley, and one quick thinking farmer gets his family and cattle on his raft in time. By the time they reach dry land, everything and everyone they know is gone. Their amazing story spreads — and a myth is born.


  2. Oh shit! I got a GREAT idea for a movie— Guaranteed blockbuster! It’s “Zootropolis” meets “The Poseidon Adventure”! It’s set on Noah’s Ark, right? But Noah, in his haste to finish it before the flood, cuts corners, so of course the first time a storm hits after the deluge, the ark capsizes and it’s up to the animals to right the boat and save the day. Sure it starts out cute and funny but we ratchet up the tension by pointing out — you know where I’m going with this, right? — that there is only 2 of each animal, and if one dies, the whole race is wiped out. I’m thinking the male unicorn sacrifices himself in the end at the end to save the whole ark.

    Waddaya think? Gold, right? Solid gold!


  3. Wonderfully funny!!! Daryl Cagle visited the Creation Museum in Kentucky on Father’s Day and wrote about his visit. I sent his story to friends around the world, and yours is a fitting sequel! Thanks for a belly full of laughs! Pokemons and dinosaurs!!! Too funny!!!


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