Paul Ryan told his Republican colleagues that he will be Speaker of the House if they all get along, don’t challenge him, elect him unanimously, kiss his butt, stop being such turds in general, act like adults, make every Tuesday spaghetti Tuesday, make Talk Like A Pirate Day a national holiday, and abide by the often ignored rule that if you bring bubble gum then you better bring enough bubble gum for everybody.
Then he rode off on a great white Unicorn.
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