Paul Ryan

Kickin’ It With Chuck And Nancy


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To help set the proper mood, THIS is the music for the first panel, and THIS is the music for the second.

An expression I’m sick and tired of is “nothing burger.” It’s popular with conservatives, who also love “fake news.” Both terms are often used together, as in “this Russian collusion story is a nothing burger and fake news.” Leave it to Republicans to muck up their metaphors since neither can actually exist. Technically, if it’s fake then it’s not news, and if there’s nothing on that burger then how can it be a burger? You can’t give me two slices of bread and tell me that’s a sandwich.

When someone describes something as a “nothing burger,” that just means there’s a lot of shit on that burger. Or, when they say “fake news,” you might wanna check to make sure we’re not at Defcon Five. It’s kinda like when George W. Bush said the Keystone Pipeline was a “no brainer,” when it was actually something that you might want to apply some brains to….or Donald Trump’s use of “believe me” is his way of saying “I’m lying my ass off and I should probably go to prison for this shit.”

The great deal maker that is Donald Trump totally caved into Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. He did it on his own turf, the Oval Office, and in front of Majority Leaders Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell. I think Anthony Scaramucci must have left his “front-stabbing” knife in the White House because Trump took it and cut Ryan and McConnell’s guts out.

But you know, maybe if you had to choose between making a deal with Democrats or guys who look like Eddie Munster and a turtle, you’d deal with the Democrats too.

Trump’s deal with Chuck and Nancy was to kick the can of the debt ceiling down the road for three months which will keep the government running and to provide disaster relief for the hurricanes. While Republicans are howling in protest, it might be the first smart thing Trump has done and is in the best interest of the country.

Why? For starters, Democrats round up their votes. Republicans are herding cats. Really stupid cats. The other reason it was a smart deal is that over 100 Republicans voted against disaster relief…including several from Texas and Florida. I told you them cats be stupid. They also have back-stabbing knives they use on their constituents.

Republicans are surprised that Trump sold them out. It’s kinda like being surprised that Donald Trump is a Nazi-hugging bigot after he just spent the last two years attacking Mexicans, Muslims, women, transgenders, etc.

The guy who had to eat the most poo was Paul Ryan. Mitch McConnell has been eating it for a while. But, Ryan really had to master some spin on this deal. Before the deal was made Ryan described the Democrats’ proposal as “ridiculous.” The day after he was spinning it as Trump wanting a “bipartisan response and not a food fight on the timing of the debt limit.” Paul, there is a food fight but it’s not food your party is throwing.

Paul Ryan had a reputation for being intelligent, and he was known as a policy wonk. Now he’s coming off like that kid you knew in high school who required seven attempts to get his learners permit. Ryan’s driving into trees and snow banks.

Every Republican exposed their backside to Trump’s treachery when they got in bed with him, and they’re all dumbasses, but Ryan was supposed to be the smart one. Since Ryan can’t legislate or lead his party then he’s no different or better than say, a Mitch McConnell. Mitch can’t accomplish shit either. How’s that Obamacare repeal working out? Are you tired of winning yet?

Trump wanted to win, and to win he had to play with Democrats. Maybe he is learning on the job. Making deals with the opposition party worked for Reagan, Clinton, Bush I, and Bush II. The Republicans problem is that they’re just not as smart as the Democrats…and that’s not exactly a high bar for comparison.

Now if only Republicans could be as upset about Trump’s collusion with Putin as they are for his dancing with Chuck and Nancy.

Creative notes: I had to Google some weird stuff for this cartoon. I’m not alone in this house and I had my door open so cats could run in and out and not sit outside my shut door meowing to come in. So, I was afraid someone would walk by or visit just as I was looking up outfits for Vladimir and Trump. There are two ladies in this house and I’m not sure they’d buy the “researching for work” excuse.

Another concern was “boogers” and “cat poop.” I know some editors are skittish and that could kill this cartoon, but then I realized, if they get past the feather duster then I probably don’t have to worry about the boogers or cat poop.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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Paul Ryan’s Baby


cjones05072017

Jimmy Kimmel used the monologue of his talk show on ABC Monday night to talk about his newborn son. It was a frightening story that had a happy ending.

Shortly after his son was born it was discovered that he had heart defects and needed emergency surgery. Kimmel was very emotional in telling his story, which any parent would be.  I’ll make a long story short and inform you that is his son was saved and should be OK. But if Kimmel wasn’t a rich talk show host and we didn’t have Obamacare, would his son have survived?

Being serious isn’t something Kimmel often does. Another rarity for him was to get serious about politics. Kimmel made a point by saying “before 2014, if you were born with congenital heart disease like my son was, there was a good chance you’d never be able to get health insurance because you had a pre-existing condition. You were born with a pre-existing condition. And if your parents didn’t have medical insurance, you might not live long enough to even get denied because of a pre-existing condition.”

He went on to say “If your baby is going to die, and it doesn’t have to, it shouldn’t matter how much money you make. I think that’s something that, whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat or something else, we all agree on that, right?”

Wrong. Not everyone agrees. Former congressman Republican Joe Walsh from Illinois, who’s less cool than Joe Walsh of The Eagles, tweeted out “Sorry Jimmy Kimmel: your sad story doesn’t obligate me or anybody else to pay for somebody else’s health care.” Of course Mr. Walsh doesn’t care about Kimmel’s, or anyone else’s baby, because Mr. Walsh doesn’t concern himself with his own children’s welfare. He was once one of the nation’s most notorious deadbeat dads owing at one point $117,000. You’ll probably find him in a basket with other deplorables.

Walsh isn’t alone in being a shit weasel. Another Republican congressman, Mo Brooks from Alabama, explained how he and other heartless conservatives see the debate over pre-existing conditions and affordable coverage. Mo was pitching Trump/RyanCare on CNN to Jake Tapper and said the GOP healthcare bill “will allow insurance companies to require people who have higher healthcare costs to contribute more to the insurance pool that helps offset all these costs, thereby reducing the cost to those people who lead good lives, they’re healthy, they’ve done the things to keep their bodies healthy.” So basically Jimmy Kimmel’s baby would have to die for not leading a good life.

I can sympathize with Kimmel. I’ve never had a scare as frightening as his but I can relate. I’ve been very close to tragedy.

When I was 15-years-old I lost my nephew, who was two-years-old. He was my older sister’s first baby. A few months after he died I spent the Summer with my big sis and my brother-in-law and I could hear her crying every night. It was the first time in my life that I cursed God. I never cursed him again because I stopped believing in him.

My nephew’s death made me a very paranoid parent several years later after my own son was born. I knew disaster could come out of nowhere. I had several sleepless nights watching him sleep, which he usually did on my chest. Once when he was still in the crawling stage my wife and I picked him up from daycare and all of a sudden it seemed he kept passing out while in his child seat in the backseat of the car. We made a beeline for the hospital freaking out the entire way.

Like Kimmel’s story, my story also ended happily but I know the worry and sick panic when you feel completely helpless and all you can do is sit and wait. My son is 26 now, doing fine and talks to me at least once a week when we argue over Star Wars canon versus theory. I hate Star Wars theory but I get to argue with him which is something every parent should look forward to.

Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and their fellow Republicans should not decide if your child doesn’t receive healthcare because of your income. They also shouldn’t say he or she should die because they lead terrible lives.

If we strip healthcare from people for leading terrible lives we should start by ripping it away from these Republicans.

Creative notes: This cartoon will not see a lot of reprints and hopefully it won’t cost me any clients. Today I’m running a contest on Facebook with this cartoon and blog entry. The first of my Facebook friends who shares it and gets 20 likes for it on their FB page wins a free signed print of their choice. If you were my Facebook friend then you too could play.

I’ll do another contest in a week or so. I’m easy to find on Facebook. If you do a search I’ll probably be the first Clay Jones who pops up.

Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. Your support contributes to my work and continued existence. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Want a signed copy of this cartoon? Donate at least $50 and I’ll ship it to you. Make sure to mention in the note with your donation which cartoon you want along with the mailing address you need it shipped to. If it’s a gift, make sure to mention the recipient’s name so I can make it out to them.

When You’re Ba-a-a-a-ad At Your Job


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Say what you will about Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, but she knows how to do her job. The Democratic Party worked on the bill for the Affordable Care Act for over a year. When it came time to vote it passed without one Republican House member’s support. Pelosi, Speaker of the House at the time, herded enough Democrats to pass the bill without any single Republican vote.

Paul Ryan is not good at his job.

As Speaker of the House Ryan shoved a huge tax cut bill for the rich disguised as a healthcare law through the House in two weeks. Despite having the kind of majority where he could pass the bill without any Democrats, he still failed.

He couldn’t convince moderate Republicans to strip health coverage from over 20 million Americans. He couldn’t make the bill mean enough to convince his most rabid heartless members, the so-called “Freedom Caucus.” Not one Democrat supported the bill so naturally Trump blamed the bill’s failure on Democrats. Then he blamed the Freedom Caucus. Tomorrow he’ll probably blame Obama.

Ryan, previously regarded as a policy wonkish king of guy, didn’t seem to understand the finer aspects of the bill while he campaigned for it. Donald Trump seemed to understand it even less. The biggest reason they could give for supporting it was that it wasn’t Obamacare. Unfortunately for them, RyanCare, or TrumpCare, only had 17% support from the public. While Obamacare has its critics and flaws, it’s polling a hell of a lot higher than 17%.

Paul Ryan pulled the bill to avoid suffering an embarrassing defeat. Their plan now is to dismantle Obamacare piece by piece to prove to the public it’s not a good system, even if it takes them having to throw monkey wrenches into it. The public doesn’t want that. The public wants Obamacare improved, especially in regards with single-payer.

Some people argued that the Republicans wouldn’t allow a bad bill to pass, unlike the Democrats did with Obamacare. No. what the Republicans proved is that they’ve spent the past eight years being the party of “no” without any real plans of their own. They spent seven years telling us how bad Obamacare is. They voted repeatedly to repeal the law. Now that they have the power to repeal it and replace it with what Trump promised, “something better,” they failed to come through.

The party of No doesn’t know how to lead. It’s not debatable that they ever had a workable plan to replace Obamacare. On top of all that, Trump and Ryan has a party that’s not afraid of them.

Paul Ryan is a shepherd whose about to be eaten by his flock. How much do you want to bet Trump feeds him to the flock to save his own skin?

Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. Your support contributes to my work and continued existence. The starving cartoonist appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Want a signed copy of this cartoon? Donate at least $50 and I’ll ship it to you. Make sure to mention in the note with your donation which cartoon you want along with the mailing address you need it shipped to. If it’s a gift, make sure to mention the recipient’s name so I can make it out to them.

Cheeto Decontamination Unit


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Do you eat Cheetos? Well, probably a lot less over the past year than you used to. Suddenly, I’ve lost any desire for them. But I have eaten more than my share of Cheetos in my life. The one thing you learn is that they’re messy.

You get that processed Cheeto cheese dust on your fingers. It’s not a light dusting. It’s caked on. You can’t multitask while eating them as you’ll get that gunk on your keyboard, phone, children, pets, other peoples’ hands, your drawing paper, etc. You can’t just lick it off either. Even a Beagle can’t successfully lick it all off your fingers (I’ve tried this). It takes some scrubbing, preferably with soap. Think a small bag of Cheetos is gunky? Imagine you just rolled around with a 236 lb. Cheeto.

Paul Ryan needs a Cheeto Decontamination Unit to clean him of the funk he embraced not so long ago.

After Trump won the Republican nomination Speaker of the House Paul Ryan refused to endorse him and said “he wasn’t there yet.” Then he got there. Then Trump’s “locker-room-talk” tape came out and Ryan wondered why he ever went there. If Republicans weren’t aware of who and what Donald Trump is then they’re not the people we want running the country. These guys are predicting Iran will break the nuclear agreement but they lacked the foresight to see that a tape would be released of Donald Trump boasting about “grabbing p***y.”

Ryan called a meeting of House Republicans and said they need to do whatever they need to save their seats (literally and figuratively). This means the national party will be pulling much of their funding away from Trump to focus on down-ballot elections, such as congressional seats, senators, and governors. This has upset Tycoon Cheeto. While Trump Cheetos is crack to some others have developed an allergy. Some Republicans are in seats and states where it won’t hurt them by being aligned with Trump. Others, like Senators Pat Toomey in Pennsylvania hasn’t endorsed Trump and John McCain in Arizona is “unendorsing” him. In fact, 87 out of 331 Republican governors, senators, and congressional representatives are not endorsing Trump.

Yesterday Trump went into another Twitter tirade but this time the aim of his vitriol wasn’t Mexicans, Elizabeth Warren, pageant queens, or Rosie O’Donnell. It was his fellow Republicans. He said they’re not as loyal as Democrats. He doesn’t need them. John McCain was groveling for his help in his Senate primary. Speaker Ryan is weak and ineffective, and now without their help he’s “unshackled.”

He’s “unshackled?” You mean to tell me all this time he’s been inhibited? He’s been holding back? He’s restrained himself? What the hell does Trump, the guy threatening to throw his opponent in jail, consider “unshackled?” Is he going to drop an N-bomb? Refer to Hillary as the C-word? Talk about the size of her butt? Promise to outlaw tacos?

Speaker Ryan hasn’t unendorsed Trump. He wants it both ways. He doesn’t want to be seen with the guy while also not disavowing him. This is the same practice, attitude, and irresponsibility that gave them the likes of Donald Trump and how they have a second layer of orange Cheeto dust stuck to themselves.

They should have condemned the guy in 2009 when he started his birther campaign, yet the cowards that they are, they didn’t want to anger the racist base of their party. Instead they chose to milk it for all it was worth and screamed with them about “taking our country back” from the black guy who stole it from them. Now they’ll not only lose an opportunity to take the White House, but they’ll lose the Senate, and they’re in danger of losing control of the House.

I told you, that Cheeto funk really sticks.

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Paul Ryan The Speaker Guy


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I’m kinda disgusted with myself. I feel icky for drawing Larry The Cable Guy, a testament to America’s rejection of intellectualism and a tribute to lowbrow humor and stupidity. I feel all sorts of nasty because I googled quotes from Larry The Cable Guy as I was going to use one for this cartoon and then I decided not to as too many focus on farting. Finally, after reading all the Larry poop jokes I must have lost a few brain cells as I was on the verge of texting copy editor friends of mine with “is it ‘Get ‘Er Done'” or ‘Get-R-Done?'”. All that’s missing is some Luke Bryan music playing in the background (Luke Bryan’s a country singer, right? I can’t Google anymore stupid tonight).

I need a shower but I probably don’t need one as much as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s going to after speaking at the Republican National Convention next month in Cleveland.

Before Ryan endorsed Trump he said if Trump didn’t want him at the convention he was cool with it. It probably went down like “really! I’m cool with it. I’ll be fine. I’ll find something else to do. It’s all good. Just go on without me. Seriously.” But then the idiot went and endorsed Trump the same day he described some of Trump’s words as “racist,” and got himself back into that stinky convention commitment. Try worming your way out of it now, Mr. Speaker.

Trump has been reaching a lot of voice mails lately. He’s calling people to speak at the convention and a lot of them aren’t answering, or they’re changing their numbers, burning their phones, going off the grid, going MIA. Seriously, has anyone seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? He’ll be back.

Chris Christie will attend but there’s probably catering (that’s not entirely a fat joke as I myself have attended some messed-up stuff for a buffet. I have probably attended 17 Rotarian meetings where the speaker was Trent Lott every. single. time. I’m a newspaper person and we’ll go anywhere for a free sandwich). Newt Gingrich will be there but he’s always selling a book or something (this year it’s a pop-up and the reviews have been amazing. I made that up…about the pop-up and the reviews). Usually congressmen are clawing over each other for a speaking spot. This year they’re running away as if Trump had a leprosy Chlamydia combo going. It’s Chlamydprosy. You don’t want that. It’s hard enough getting people near you as a Republican.

Trump has also stated that if people don’t endorse him, specifically the former GOP candidates like Ted Cruz and John Kasich, that they shouldn’t be allowed to speak at the convention. That might bother Ted Cruz because he’s an attention whore, but John Kasich seems fine with it. He doesn’t need to make the long hour-long slog from Columbus to Cleveland in July. He’s probably already sent the “you do you” text.

Did you think it got weird in 2012 at the McCain/Palin convention when Clint Eastwood talked to a chair? Wait until Ted Nugent reads a love poem to an Uzi.

Traditionally every Republican party leader attends the convention and speaks. Trey Gowdy’s going to the beach and Mark Sanford is walking on a trail. Mitt Romney’s staying home to count his car elevators. John McCain can’t think of a worse place to be, and he was a POW. If there’s a tarnished former president like Richard Nixon, they kinda shove him aside and don’t speak of him. But traditionally former presidents show up. Neither George H.W. or George W. Bush aren’t attending. This is the first time not going to a party is George W. Bush’s choice.

This pretty much leaves speaking at the convention to the likes of Mike Ditka, Bobby Knight, Dana White (he runs that UFC stuff), Tom Brady (he’s a maybe), Brian France (who runs NASCAR which is kind of a sport), and Mike Tyson who’s not even capable of speaking. We’ll probably also be treated to appearances by Sarah Palin and Chachi.

Have you ever seen the warm up acts for a Trump speech? Yesterday in Maine the warm up guy was doing a racist imitation of Native Americans while calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” Look forward to three full days of that.

Did anyone invite Carrot Top? He was a last-second addition to this cartoon. I know he’s working Vegas but he’s probably available for $300 and a bus ticket. Someone should call him and “get ‘er done.”

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Ryan Gets Trumped


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On the same day Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said he was voting for Donald Trump, note he didn’t say “endorse”, he had to make a statement condemning Trump’s racism. On Tuesday he actually came out and described Trump’s statements toward a judge as “racist.”

Within the same paragraph of describing Trump’s comments as racist, Ryan went on to say that he and his party had more in common with Trump than Hillary Clinton. If Paul Ryan had a soul he lost it last Monday.

I get that. They’re Republicans. They’ve spent over two decades trying to destroy the Clintons. But to say they have more in common with an inflammatory racist than with a Democrat is very telling…and very much Paul Ryan selling his soul in the name of politics.

Several Republicans have come out over the past few days condemning Trump for his racist statements. When someone has to defend themselves from racism because of one comment, then maybe they’re not an actual racist and they have been misunderstood. When you have to keep defending someone over SEVERAL racist comments, then the game is up. That tool bag is a racist. Are they really running with the campaign of “vote Trump. He’s really not a racist.”?

A telling sign that someone is a racist is when they’re playing the black-friend defense. Other than Trump screaming at a rally “where’s my African-American,” he’s gone on to tell us again and again how he’s hired people of different races. Yeah, with that analogy slave owners just loved black people. You don’t get a get-out-of-racism-jail-free card with that crap.

Every political cartoonist gets accused of being a racist at some point. We’re also accused of being Nazis, Communists, Traitors, Homosexuals, being without a penis, having sex with livestock, etc. Do you know how I respond to those accusations? I don’t. I don’t worry about having to respond to something that’s not true. My work speaks for itself and a reader without the ability to comprehend really isn’t my problem. Donald Trump has to respond to the racism accusations because they’re true. He also gets upset with the tiny hands comments which is very revealing.

The GOP is very racist. It’s not that they disagree with what Donald Trump is saying. It’s that they disagree that he’s not covert about it. They’re like “shut up. You’re giving away the first rule of Racist Fight Club.” For decades Republicans have cultivated the white vote by screaming about welfare, immigrants, school lunch, quotas, equal opportunity, affirmative action, birtherism, etc. They’re not supposed to go out in public and scream “he’s not good enough because he’s a Mexican.” They like to preserve that stuff for their cigar rooms at their country clubs away from the crowds and media. They’re very good at being covert and imagining welfare queens while winking at poor white voters who are actually on welfare. Minorities are for scapegoating and standing in the background of photo ops. Now they have a nominee too stupid not to say it in public. When Donald Trump shouted at a rally “my African-American” the GOP got off light because Trump was one step away from saying “my n***ger.”

“My n**ger” is a platform Republicans can get with. But it has to be disguised. Disguised with something like, oh…I don’t know….something like “Make American Great Again.”

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

V.P. Caribou


cjones05092016

Sarah Palin gave on interview on CNN this past Sunday. Oh boy, here we go. There was talk of her being Trump’s vice presidential selection. Palin stated that she is the most vetted person available. She might be right. If there’s one thing most Americans will agree on is that Sarah Palin is an idiot.

I have noticed over the years that when the national consensus on a public figure is their lack of intelligence, the perception never diminishes with the figure continuing to speak publicly. Did the images ever improve for Dan Quayle, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Michele Bachmann, or George W. Bush? No. Sarah Palin hasn’t helped herself at all in this regard. She has only reinforced it.

When Palin was first introduced to the American public as John McCain’s running mate, many liberals, Democrats, and even moderates were underwhelmed with her intellect, or overwhelmed with her lack of it. Within a few months a few conservatives were less defensive of her. Even a couple years later during her “Blood Libel” retort to Obama on gun violence, many conservatives were still defending her. A former colleague of mine, a writer now with a think tank, wrote a column in response to a cartoon of mine on her and he wrote that Palin’s speech was “exceptional.” I thought it was exceptionally stupid. I’m not sure how many are still drinking that toxic Kool-Aid. It seems today most conservatives are strangely silent about her.

During Palin’s interview with Jake Tapper on CNN she mostly talked about helping defeat Speaker of the House Paul Ryan in his upcoming primary. She wants to “Cantor” him. In her defense, while talking about how “vetted” she is, she also said she didn’t want to be a burden on the Trump campaign. It wouldn’t burden me.

The other topic of this cartoon concerns Trump accusing Hillary Clinton of “enabling” her husband’s infidelity. Trump, who is still slinging insults like a 5th grader believes it’s a woman’s fault when her husband cheats. I wonder if his two ex wives were enablers for all his affairs. I would love to hear that question come up during his first debate with Hillary Clinton.

The “bimbo” assault on Bill Clinton failed in 1992. It failed again in 1996. They eventually impeached the president over it in 1999, and they failed to remove him from office. It didn’t hurt Hillary Clinton during her first or second Senate campaigns in New York nor did it harm her first presidential run in 2008.  The slow learners that they are, Republicans will do it again.

We’re about to have six months of a presidential race completely devoid of substance from the Republican side. And they wonder why Paul Ryan doesn’t want to sign on.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!