Paul Ryan

Cheeto Decontamination Unit


cjones10122016

Do you eat Cheetos? Well, probably a lot less over the past year than you used to. Suddenly, I’ve lost any desire for them. But I have eaten more than my share of Cheetos in my life. The one thing you learn is that they’re messy.

You get that processed Cheeto cheese dust on your fingers. It’s not a light dusting. It’s caked on. You can’t multitask while eating them as you’ll get that gunk on your keyboard, phone, children, pets, other peoples’ hands, your drawing paper, etc. You can’t just lick it off either. Even a Beagle can’t successfully lick it all off your fingers (I’ve tried this). It takes some scrubbing, preferably with soap. Think a small bag of Cheetos is gunky? Imagine you just rolled around with a 236 lb. Cheeto.

Paul Ryan needs a Cheeto Decontamination Unit to clean him of the funk he embraced not so long ago.

After Trump won the Republican nomination Speaker of the House Paul Ryan refused to endorse him and said “he wasn’t there yet.” Then he got there. Then Trump’s “locker-room-talk” tape came out and Ryan wondered why he ever went there. If Republicans weren’t aware of who and what Donald Trump is then they’re not the people we want running the country. These guys are predicting Iran will break the nuclear agreement but they lacked the foresight to see that a tape would be released of Donald Trump boasting about “grabbing p***y.”

Ryan called a meeting of House Republicans and said they need to do whatever they need to save their seats (literally and figuratively). This means the national party will be pulling much of their funding away from Trump to focus on down-ballot elections, such as congressional seats, senators, and governors. This has upset Tycoon Cheeto. While Trump Cheetos is crack to some others have developed an allergy. Some Republicans are in seats and states where it won’t hurt them by being aligned with Trump. Others, like Senators Pat Toomey in Pennsylvania hasn’t endorsed Trump and John McCain in Arizona is “unendorsing” him. In fact, 87 out of 331 Republican governors, senators, and congressional representatives are not endorsing Trump.

Yesterday Trump went into another Twitter tirade but this time the aim of his vitriol wasn’t Mexicans, Elizabeth Warren, pageant queens, or Rosie O’Donnell. It was his fellow Republicans. He said they’re not as loyal as Democrats. He doesn’t need them. John McCain was groveling for his help in his Senate primary. Speaker Ryan is weak and ineffective, and now without their help he’s “unshackled.”

He’s “unshackled?” You mean to tell me all this time he’s been inhibited? He’s been holding back? He’s restrained himself? What the hell does Trump, the guy threatening to throw his opponent in jail, consider “unshackled?” Is he going to drop an N-bomb? Refer to Hillary as the C-word? Talk about the size of her butt? Promise to outlaw tacos?

Speaker Ryan hasn’t unendorsed Trump. He wants it both ways. He doesn’t want to be seen with the guy while also not disavowing him. This is the same practice, attitude, and irresponsibility that gave them the likes of Donald Trump and how they have a second layer of orange Cheeto dust stuck to themselves.

They should have condemned the guy in 2009 when he started his birther campaign, yet the cowards that they are, they didn’t want to anger the racist base of their party. Instead they chose to milk it for all it was worth and screamed with them about “taking our country back” from the black guy who stole it from them. Now they’ll not only lose an opportunity to take the White House, but they’ll lose the Senate, and they’re in danger of losing control of the House.

I told you, that Cheeto funk really sticks.

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Paul Ryan The Speaker Guy


cjones06302016

I’m kinda disgusted with myself. I feel icky for drawing Larry The Cable Guy, a testament to America’s rejection of intellectualism and a tribute to lowbrow humor and stupidity. I feel all sorts of nasty because I googled quotes from Larry The Cable Guy as I was going to use one for this cartoon and then I decided not to as too many focus on farting. Finally, after reading all the Larry poop jokes I must have lost a few brain cells as I was on the verge of texting copy editor friends of mine with “is it ‘Get ‘Er Done'” or ‘Get-R-Done?'”. All that’s missing is some Luke Bryan music playing in the background (Luke Bryan’s a country singer, right? I can’t Google anymore stupid tonight).

I need a shower but I probably don’t need one as much as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s going to after speaking at the Republican National Convention next month in Cleveland.

Before Ryan endorsed Trump he said if Trump didn’t want him at the convention he was cool with it. It probably went down like “really! I’m cool with it. I’ll be fine. I’ll find something else to do. It’s all good. Just go on without me. Seriously.” But then the idiot went and endorsed Trump the same day he described some of Trump’s words as “racist,” and got himself back into that stinky convention commitment. Try worming your way out of it now, Mr. Speaker.

Trump has been reaching a lot of voice mails lately. He’s calling people to speak at the convention and a lot of them aren’t answering, or they’re changing their numbers, burning their phones, going off the grid, going MIA. Seriously, has anyone seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? He’ll be back.

Chris Christie will attend but there’s probably catering (that’s not entirely a fat joke as I myself have attended some messed-up stuff for a buffet. I have probably attended 17 Rotarian meetings where the speaker was Trent Lott every. single. time. I’m a newspaper person and we’ll go anywhere for a free sandwich). Newt Gingrich will be there but he’s always selling a book or something (this year it’s a pop-up and the reviews have been amazing. I made that up…about the pop-up and the reviews). Usually congressmen are clawing over each other for a speaking spot. This year they’re running away as if Trump had a leprosy Chlamydia combo going. It’s Chlamydprosy. You don’t want that. It’s hard enough getting people near you as a Republican.

Trump has also stated that if people don’t endorse him, specifically the former GOP candidates like Ted Cruz and John Kasich, that they shouldn’t be allowed to speak at the convention. That might bother Ted Cruz because he’s an attention whore, but John Kasich seems fine with it. He doesn’t need to make the long hour-long slog from Columbus to Cleveland in July. He’s probably already sent the “you do you” text.

Did you think it got weird in 2012 at the McCain/Palin convention when Clint Eastwood talked to a chair? Wait until Ted Nugent reads a love poem to an Uzi.

Traditionally every Republican party leader attends the convention and speaks. Trey Gowdy’s going to the beach and Mark Sanford is walking on a trail. Mitt Romney’s staying home to count his car elevators. John McCain can’t think of a worse place to be, and he was a POW. If there’s a tarnished former president like Richard Nixon, they kinda shove him aside and don’t speak of him. But traditionally former presidents show up. Neither George H.W. or George W. Bush aren’t attending. This is the first time not going to a party is George W. Bush’s choice.

This pretty much leaves speaking at the convention to the likes of Mike Ditka, Bobby Knight, Dana White (he runs that UFC stuff), Tom Brady (he’s a maybe), Brian France (who runs NASCAR which is kind of a sport), and Mike Tyson who’s not even capable of speaking. We’ll probably also be treated to appearances by Sarah Palin and Chachi.

Have you ever seen the warm up acts for a Trump speech? Yesterday in Maine the warm up guy was doing a racist imitation of Native Americans while calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” Look forward to three full days of that.

Did anyone invite Carrot Top? He was a last-second addition to this cartoon. I know he’s working Vegas but he’s probably available for $300 and a bus ticket. Someone should call him and “get ‘er done.”

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Ryan Gets Trumped


cjones06092016

On the same day Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said he was voting for Donald Trump, note he didn’t say “endorse”, he had to make a statement condemning Trump’s racism. On Tuesday he actually came out and described Trump’s statements toward a judge as “racist.”

Within the same paragraph of describing Trump’s comments as racist, Ryan went on to say that he and his party had more in common with Trump than Hillary Clinton. If Paul Ryan had a soul he lost it last Monday.

I get that. They’re Republicans. They’ve spent over two decades trying to destroy the Clintons. But to say they have more in common with an inflammatory racist than with a Democrat is very telling…and very much Paul Ryan selling his soul in the name of politics.

Several Republicans have come out over the past few days condemning Trump for his racist statements. When someone has to defend themselves from racism because of one comment, then maybe they’re not an actual racist and they have been misunderstood. When you have to keep defending someone over SEVERAL racist comments, then the game is up. That tool bag is a racist. Are they really running with the campaign of “vote Trump. He’s really not a racist.”?

A telling sign that someone is a racist is when they’re playing the black-friend defense. Other than Trump screaming at a rally “where’s my African-American,” he’s gone on to tell us again and again how he’s hired people of different races. Yeah, with that analogy slave owners just loved black people. You don’t get a get-out-of-racism-jail-free card with that crap.

Every political cartoonist gets accused of being a racist at some point. We’re also accused of being Nazis, Communists, Traitors, Homosexuals, being without a penis, having sex with livestock, etc. Do you know how I respond to those accusations? I don’t. I don’t worry about having to respond to something that’s not true. My work speaks for itself and a reader without the ability to comprehend really isn’t my problem. Donald Trump has to respond to the racism accusations because they’re true. He also gets upset with the tiny hands comments which is very revealing.

The GOP is very racist. It’s not that they disagree with what Donald Trump is saying. It’s that they disagree that he’s not covert about it. They’re like “shut up. You’re giving away the first rule of Racist Fight Club.” For decades Republicans have cultivated the white vote by screaming about welfare, immigrants, school lunch, quotas, equal opportunity, affirmative action, birtherism, etc. They’re not supposed to go out in public and scream “he’s not good enough because he’s a Mexican.” They like to preserve that stuff for their cigar rooms at their country clubs away from the crowds and media. They’re very good at being covert and imagining welfare queens while winking at poor white voters who are actually on welfare. Minorities are for scapegoating and standing in the background of photo ops. Now they have a nominee too stupid not to say it in public. When Donald Trump shouted at a rally “my African-American” the GOP got off light because Trump was one step away from saying “my n***ger.”

“My n**ger” is a platform Republicans can get with. But it has to be disguised. Disguised with something like, oh…I don’t know….something like “Make American Great Again.”

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

V.P. Caribou


cjones05092016

Sarah Palin gave on interview on CNN this past Sunday. Oh boy, here we go. There was talk of her being Trump’s vice presidential selection. Palin stated that she is the most vetted person available. She might be right. If there’s one thing most Americans will agree on is that Sarah Palin is an idiot.

I have noticed over the years that when the national consensus on a public figure is their lack of intelligence, the perception never diminishes with the figure continuing to speak publicly. Did the images ever improve for Dan Quayle, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Michele Bachmann, or George W. Bush? No. Sarah Palin hasn’t helped herself at all in this regard. She has only reinforced it.

When Palin was first introduced to the American public as John McCain’s running mate, many liberals, Democrats, and even moderates were underwhelmed with her intellect, or overwhelmed with her lack of it. Within a few months a few conservatives were less defensive of her. Even a couple years later during her “Blood Libel” retort to Obama on gun violence, many conservatives were still defending her. A former colleague of mine, a writer now with a think tank, wrote a column in response to a cartoon of mine on her and he wrote that Palin’s speech was “exceptional.” I thought it was exceptionally stupid. I’m not sure how many are still drinking that toxic Kool-Aid. It seems today most conservatives are strangely silent about her.

During Palin’s interview with Jake Tapper on CNN she mostly talked about helping defeat Speaker of the House Paul Ryan in his upcoming primary. She wants to “Cantor” him. In her defense, while talking about how “vetted” she is, she also said she didn’t want to be a burden on the Trump campaign. It wouldn’t burden me.

The other topic of this cartoon concerns Trump accusing Hillary Clinton of “enabling” her husband’s infidelity. Trump, who is still slinging insults like a 5th grader believes it’s a woman’s fault when her husband cheats. I wonder if his two ex wives were enablers for all his affairs. I would love to hear that question come up during his first debate with Hillary Clinton.

The “bimbo” assault on Bill Clinton failed in 1992. It failed again in 1996. They eventually impeached the president over it in 1999, and they failed to remove him from office. It didn’t hurt Hillary Clinton during her first or second Senate campaigns in New York nor did it harm her first presidential run in 2008.  The slow learners that they are, Republicans will do it again.

We’re about to have six months of a presidential race completely devoid of substance from the Republican side. And they wonder why Paul Ryan doesn’t want to sign on.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Saving Speaker Ryan


cjones10222015 Paul Ryan told his Republican colleagues that he will be Speaker of the House if they all get along, don’t challenge him, elect him unanimously, kiss his butt, stop being such turds in general, act like adults, make every Tuesday spaghetti Tuesday, make Talk Like A Pirate Day a national holiday, and abide by the often ignored rule that if you bring bubble gum then you better bring enough bubble gum for everybody.

Then he rode off on a great white Unicorn.

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