Eaten Alive


cjones12092014

Yeah, I’m getting tired of race issues. I’ll stop drawing cartoons on racism when authority stops engaging in racists acts.

On to the analogy I used: Over 20 years ago I worked in the reptile house of a zoo. I was a real reptile enthusiast. I even had snakes and a free roam Iguana at home which came in handy with preventing inlaws from giving you a surprise visit (they literally slept in a van in the driveway once).

I am not an actual Herpetologist but I do know you’re going to have a very difficult time convincing a snake to actually swallow a human being. So when I saw the commercials of an idiot volunteering himself to be eaten alive by an Anaconda  on the Discovery Channel I knew that wasn’t going to happen. Maybe he should have let the snake in on the deal and cut him on a piece of the TV royalties.

I do know from experience that it doesn’t take any convincing for a snake to bite the living crap out of you. I once had a Reticulated Python bite me in the forehead. I had an oval of about 20 tiny cabs above my brow for about a week. I’ve actually been bitten quite a few times but you don’t want to hear about that girl from Delaware.

But hey, if you can convince a network to finance a show called Finding Bigfoot where nobody actually finds a Bigfoot then why can’t you have a two-hour documentary advertising being eaten by a huge snake where all it really consists of is a moron sitting in the water waiting on a big snake not to eat you? I do love those Bigfoot experts who are actually only experts at walking through the woods catching poison ivy and never catching a girlfriend. Even that lesbian on the show couldn’t catch a girlfriend.  I also love that those Bigfoot hunting “experts” always believe every witness account is an actual “squatch” encounter. You’d think that at least one time one of them would say “ya’ know…this person might be full of shit.” But then again they never ran into Michele Bachmann so they haven’t met a real challenge yet.

My latest animal “scare” happenedtoday. I took a walk and I was attacked (really!) by four Pomeranian puppies. I was in more danger than those Bigfoot and Anaconda hunters. I socks were covered in dog spittle.

I digressed again. To sum up: racism bad and does still exist in America. Bigfoot: doesn’t exist but still has marketing power. Being swallowed by a giant snake: not gonna happen unless you’re a rodent. A quadruple Pomeranian attack: Nightmares to come.

 

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