cops

Blue-Hoo


cjones06222020

After murder charges were brought against Garrett Rolfe, the former Atlanta police officer who fatally shot Rayshard Brooks, a black man, twice in the back, a number of Atlanta Police officers called in sick Wednesday night just before a shift change in protest of a cop being held accountable. Or maybe it’s over the TV show “Cops” being canceled.

Also, Devin Brosnan, the officer who stood on Brooks’ arm after the shooting, has been charged with aggravated assault.

The officers responded to a call claiming Brooks had fallen asleep at the wheel while parked in a Wendy’s drive-through. After initially cooperating with the police, Brooks resisted and a scuffle ensued. Brooks was able to obtain one of the cop’s tasers and fled. As he was running, he was shot in the back by Rolfe who then kicked his body as it lay on the pavement. Brosnan stood on his arm.

It’s kind of hard to cry self-defense when you shoot someone in the back. It’s also hard to claim self-defense when the man had a taser and you had guns. The police claim a taser is a lethal weapon. If that’s the case, then why are they carrying them? If I’m wrong about this let me know, but I believe if Brooks had successfully shot one of the officers with the taser, then he couldn’t have used it again on the other cop.

The International Brotherhood of Police Officers said it’s not a “blue flu,” as in a cop strike. A spokesman said, “What it actually is is officers protesting that they’ve had enough and they don’t want to deal with it any longer.”

Really? The police have had enough? If the ATL police want to talk to a group who’s had enough and don’t want to deal with it any longer, they should talk to their black community. Actually, all they need to do is listen which is what cops and most Republicans in this nation have failed to do.

Black Americans are sick and tired of systemic racism and the deaths of unarmed black men at the hands of police. And when a cop is charged, the police have “had enough?”

When the two ATL cops were charged, they were given a deadline to turn themselves in. Had enough yet?

They were not arrested at the scene of the killing. Had enough yet?

It took prosecutors nearly a week to charge the cops. Had enough yet?

It also took nearly a week to charge the four cops in Minneapolis. Had enough yet?

The only way for a cop to even be investigated after the killing of an unarmed black man is if it was caught on tape. Had enough yet?

There’s a lot of debate over whether the police should have let Brooks walk home or even given him a breathalyzer. But let’s pick it up at the scuffle. Sure, at that point, Brooks should have been charged and taken to jail. Surely when he did grab the taser and fled, he resisted arrest and had assaulted police officers. He was in the wrong. But that’s not enough to kill the guy.

Whenever this kind of stuff happens, the police and conservatives try to show how the black guy killed was in the wrong as that makes it right to murder him. They take it to the point where they try to dehumanize the person like in the case of George Floyd. If you listen to Fox News, Floyd was a giant monster who probably destroyed Tokyo in the past. But, committing crimes and serving time in the past doesn’t justify killing someone for a traffic offense, or passing counterfeit bills, or selling loose cigarettes, or walking down the street, or falling asleep in a Wendy’s drive-thru.

Police are not perfect people, but like airline pilots, they need to be damn near perfect while on the job. The police should be emotionally balanced enough to keep their temper in check when dealing with suspects who don’t want to cooperate. Nobody wants to go to jail. The police should expect a few people to react harshly. I understand it’s not a job picking cherries, but two cops should be able to handle one guy resisting arrest without killing him. Also, that guy had just woken up. Why couldn’t they have handled that situation?

After police refused to go to work Wednesday night, many of them who did refused to show up to any calls except those requesting backup or went radio-silent. In Georgia, many state employees who are considered “essential” are legally prohibited from walking out on the job. Yet, every Atlanta cop will receive a $500 bonus from a police foundation to boost their morale.

The police are really depressed over people not being happy with police killing unarmed black men. The cops are protesting being held accountable for their actions.

Cops take an oath to “protect and serve” but I guess there’s a clause allowing an exception when their blue panties get in a bunch.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Just A Good Ole Boy


cjones06132020

Despite all his faults, Donald Trump is still the best president of the Confederacy since Jefferson Davis.

The American Civil War started at Fort Sumter in South Carolina. On April 11, 1861, when Confederate Brigadier General Pierre Beauregard attacked the U.S. fort, commanded by Major Robert Anderson. Today, Beauregard, the guy attacking a United States military base, has a United States military base named after him. Anderson, the guy fighting for the United States of America, does not. You can quote me on this: That’s fucked up.

While military leaders were open to renaming the TEN U.S. military bases named after confederate losers, er…generals, Donald Trump swung for the racist fences yesterday by tweeting he would never allow the renaming of these bases.

In a tweet Donald Trump reportedly labored long and hard over before sending, he said, “These Monumental and very Powerful Bases have become part of a Great American Heritage, and a history of Winning, Victory, and Freedom. HEROES who won two world wars were trained on the Hallowed Grounds of the bases. Therefore, my Administration will not even consider the renaming of these Magnificent and Fabled Military Installations…Our history as the Greatest Nation in the World will not be tampered with. Respect our Military!”

Yes, I had the same exact thought. Oh my god.

Where do I start? OK, first… a “history of winning, victory, and freedom?” He labored long and hard on this? The Confederacy LOST the war which means it was NOT A “victory.” Also, the Confederacy was not fighting for freedom. Also, we trained heroes at these bases to fight in Vietnam which we did not win. You know, that war Donald Trump skirted by claiming he had bone spurs.

How does naming our bases after former foes, traitors, and racists respect our military? I’m hesitant to point out we don’t name U.S. bases after other former adversaries we fought as I don’t want to give Donald Trump and Stephen Miller the idea of renaming any bases after Nazis.

Donald Trump is doubling-down on the racism and the batshit crazy. How racist and backward do you have to be less progressive than NASCAR? Yesterday, NASCAR, that supposed sport where cars drive around in circles that’s popular in the south and only the south, declared the Confederate flag will no longer be allowed at their events. I don’t think the south has taken a blow like this since they lost the war, Hee-Haw was canceled, and Virginia and North Carolina banned indoor smoking.

NASCAR decided to ban the hater flag after hearing the views of Bubba Wallace, a man who defies two stereotypes: A black guy named “Bubba” who competes in NASCAR.

In other news, HBO MAX announced they are pulling “Gone With the Wind” from their lineup and will bring it back later to be presented in its historical context. As in explaining it was made in a much different racist time. Frankly, my dear, a lot of racist who give a damn are freaking the fuck out.

Disclaimer: “Gone With the Wind” was my mother’s favorite movie. I think I’ve seen the movie a thousand times but not all at once. It was always on a loop, like Christmas Story on Christmas day.

A conservative cartoonist who has been on a recent bender of making racist posts on Facebook declared voluntarily yesterday, “I am not a racist.” Then he added the caveat, “Even though I believe ‘all lives matter.'” Shortly after that, he defended “Gone With the Wind” by pointing out that actress Hattie McDaniel was the first black American to win the Oscar as if that makes up for the racist stereotypes and presentation in the movie. I think he’s arguing “Gone With the Wind” is woke. What he failed to mention is that McDaniel’s character in that movie didn’t have an official name as she went by “Mammy.” Also, while McDaniel did win the Oscar, she was not allowed to attend the presentation to accept her award in person.

The bases named after Confederate losers are, Camp Beauregard, Fort Benning, Fort Bragg, Fort Gordon, Fort Lee, Fort Pickett, Fort Polk, Fort Rucker, Fort A.P. Hill (which is here in Virginia), Fort Mammy, and Fort Hood (bonus points if you find the one I made up). Personally, I think we should only slightly change Fort Rucker to “Fort Darius Rucker.” Hey, he’s a southerner. How about Fort Jeff Gordon?

Fort Hood is of particular interest to me. I was born at Fort Hood. My father was stationed there as a drill sergeant and I have a Fort Benning yearbook from 1966…or I did until my little sister stole it over a decade ago and hasn’t returned it despite promise after promise because she’s a typical Trump-supporting-…AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH. I have issues but I digress.

How do I feel about renaming the place where I was born and my father served before shipping out to fight in Vietnam? Go ahead and change the name. Renaming the fort doesn’t erase history. It doesn’t erase my father’s accomplishments. It won’t erase me (sorry, haters). To be honest, if my dad was still alive, he’d probably be pissed as hell with talk of renaming it, but dad was wrong about a lot of stuff. He was an NRA member and I didn’t meet him until I was 21 so if he was still alive it’d just be another one of his opinions I don’t care about. How about “Fort Deadbeat,” you no-child-support-paying-son-of-a…Again, I have issues.

But in case you haven’t noticed, it’s usually only white people who get upset about taking down Confederate statues or taking Confederate names off roads and high schools. But look at it like this, why should a black American be forced to have Jefferson Davis’ name on their high school diploma? Again, that’s fucked up. We don’t force Jews to attend Himmler High or Joseph Goebbels Middle school. We don’t even have Eva Braun beauty academies (we don’t, do we?).

America is racist. We still have shit named after people who fought to preserve slavery. We still have their statues up. We still wave their flags. We still have a racist electoral college. We still elect racist presidents.

And the one thing being canceled that really upsets me is the TV show “Cops.” I’m not upset because I’ll no longer be able to watch police chase naked black dudes through alleys and parking lots (I think every show has at least one naked bad guy). I’m upset there won’t be an episode when they arrest Donald Trump. I would buy the Pay-Per-View to watch him get tased while wearing a wife-beater.

White boys, white boys. Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna watch with your racist crew, white boys?

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Safe To Go Out?


cjones06012020

I have white privilege. I grew up poor and I don’t feel like anyone ever gave me anything, but I still have white privilege. If you’re white, you have that same privilege. You had the privilege of not being afraid by stepping outside. If you want to help fight racism, the first thing you need to recognize is your privilege.

It’s not enough for white people to not be racist. White people now have to, need to be anti-racist. You need to speak out. It’s not enough that you “don’t see race,” and you’re probably lying when you say that. It’s OK to see race. But what you and I need to do is to join the fight against racism.

George Floyd was killed by police. Before they killed him, the police tortured him. They tortured him for 9 minutes in public, in broad daylight and in front of a crowd. The police believed they could get away with it. So far, they kinda-sorta have gotten away with it. While the cop who killed George Floyd and the three others who stood by and watched were all fired, none has been arrested or charged for any crimes. That is white privilege. It’s also police privilege.

While Donald Trump, as president (sic) has said he didn’t like what he saw, he has refused to say the police should be arrested or charged. Keep in mind, he’s screamed for President Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Congressman Adam Schiff, and even MSNBC Morning Joe host Joe Scarborough to be charged and arrested. That is white privilege along with moronic privilege.

When white people see what’s going on and they have more to say about a riot and burning businesses than they do about the killing of George Floyd, that is white privilege. That is also racism.

It’s white privilege to look at burning buildings and to just pass it off as not having anything to do with the killing of George Floyd.

Refusing to try to understand why a building is set on fire after the murder of a black man by police is white privilege. You don’t have to approve of a riot, but you need to understand where it’s coming from. You need to understand why. It’s more than an opportunity to steal stuff or set the world on fire. And trust me, when that building is a police station, it’s a statement. It’s a loud statement and you still may not hear it.

It’s white privilege to scream having to wear a mask in public is a violation of your liberty and civil rights while not fighting for other people when their right to vote has been taken away.

It’s white privilege to claim you’ve never had white privilege.

It’s white privilege to look out your window and look forward to the day that we can socialize with friends, go to a bar or a restaurant, and return to normal.

When a black American looks out their window and see police killing another black man, they see we are returning to normal.

And when we can all go back outside, it will be back to normal for them because they don’t have our privilege.

White people, you have white privilege. You couldn’t get rid of it if you wanted to. But you can use it to help our fellow Americans get that same privilege. The racist dog lady weaponized race. Weaponize your white privilege for our fellow citizens because it’s just as much their country as it yours.

It’s not enough to not be racist. Be anti-racist.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

A Meme Choke Hold


cjones06272019

The police of this nation and their defenders point out the unfairness of labeling all cops as racist or profiling black males. But what is true is that there is a culture of profiling, brutality, and racism among the nation’s police.

This is proven by the Plain View Project. The PVP examined the public profiles of police officers from eight jurisdictions since 2017 and their findings were published last Saturday in Injustice Watch and BuzzFeed News. What they found goes beyond disturbing.

The project found thousands of posts and memes that were racist, conspiratorial, and expressing a desire to use tasers and deadly force on suspects.

A captain in the Philadephia Police Department shared a meme featuring Sammy Davis Jr. with the caption, “Instead of hands up don’t shoot, how about pull your pants up don’t loot!” A comment from another Philly cop about a young black male accused of shooting an elderly woman called for a firing squad.

One meme shared by an officer showed a police dog baring its teeth, with superimposed text that read, “I hope you run, he likes fast food.”

A cop in York, Pennsylvania posted on Facebook, “Too bad this MF didn’t resist and meet a very violent and painful demise. Would have saved the taxpayers a LOT of money,” regarding a black male suspected of killing a detective.

The project matched about 14,400 listed officers to public Facebook profiles.

The Phoenix Police Department says they’re going to look into the matter. St. Louis claims they’re looking into it as well. Other departments examined are in Dallas; Denison, Tex.; and Twin Falls, Idaho; and the Lake County Sheriff’s Office in Florida.

The Philadelphia department has placed 72 cops on desk duty, pulling them off the streets while an investigation is being conducted. Perhaps every police department in the nation should be conducting a continuous effort to monitor all officers’ social media posts. Every cop in the country should have his social media posts looked at. If they find cop brutality hilarious, then they shouldn’t be a cop.

The project’s founder, Emily Baker-White said three major trends emerged in the posts she and her colleagues collected: posts that seemed to endorse violence by officers or members of the public, posts that appeared to show bias against minority groups, and dehumanizing language that referred to protesters or people of color as “animals” or “savages.”

She also said, “One of the most disheartening things in the posts we saw are the comments under them. Some of them are by citizens, and some are by police officers. There’s very much a pile-on culture, where someone may say something violent and the folks under that will ramp it up and say something even more violent or discriminatory. The feedback loop there has led a lot of people to lean into their worst instincts.”

The Phoenix Police Union is upset over the investigation and accusing it of an anti-cop bias. He highlighted how Phoenix police have used Facebook to raise money for charity and left out posts like the one by Officer Joshua Ankert who congratulated George Zimmerman, the man who shot and killed Trayvon Martin for walking after dark while being black, the day after his trial and thanked him for “cleaning up our community one thug at a time.”

In Phoenix, 73% of the city’s 2,937 police force is white, while 19% is Hispanic, in a city that is 43% Hispanic. With 42% of the city being white, the police department is not representative of its citizens. That may be where the problem begins in all communities.

Another Phoenix cop, Rueben Carver III posted, “It’s a good day for a choke hold.” No, Officer Rueben, it’s a good day to fire some racist cops.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!! 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch Me Draw.

To Protect And Something Something


cjones02262018

While an active shooter was killing his former classmates last week in Parkland, Florida, the only cop on the scene stayed outside and took cover. There are now reports that other officers arriving at the scene also remained outside choosing to hide behind their cars.

Trump has called the School Resource Deputy a coward. He and others are choosing to ignore that a gun on campus didn’t stop the slaughter as they argue for more guns on school campuses.

Trump and the good folks at the NRA, who value assault weapons over children’s lives, want to put guns in the hands of teachers. Trump says it will be different for teachers since they’ll know the students they’re protecting. The cop at the school knew those students too as he worked there since 2010.

The deputy failed to protect and defend as he swore to do. He has resigned in disgrace since this information went public. Maybe Trump should think about resigning too.

Donald Trump has refused to protect and defend this nation, which he swore to do when he took the oath of office on inauguration day.

When NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre and spokesgoon Dana Loesch spoke at CPAC Thursday, they blamed dozens of individuals, institutions, and circumstances for mass shootings without blaming guns. When Donald Trump finally acknowledged Russia hacked the 2016 election, he blamed dozens without blaming Russia.

That’s because Donald Trump is a coward, and he should resign.

Here’s the video. Please subscribe to my channel. 

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Trump Shot


cjones01262016

Donald Trump said “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue, shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters.” The sad thing is he’s right. But that’s because your voters, Mr. Trump, are hateful and stupid idiots. It is incredible. The other sad thing is, this isn’t even close to being the most outrageous thing he’s said on the campaign trail.

My first idea had Trump making the quote and proving his point that he shoots himself in the foot repeatedly. Nah, it wasn’t good enough but if you’re another political cartoonist feel free to take it.

I thought about Trump’s comments a little longer and it came to me that if he shot a minority then he’d probably gain Republican voters. Because in addition to being hateful, stupid and idiotic, they’re also racists.

Last August, two white men who allegedly beat a homeless Hispanic man cited Donald Trump’s rhetoric as their motive. Trump said his supporters are very passionate. There’s also been hecklers at his rallies roughed up and he’s even advocated for his supporters to steal a heckler’s coat while it was freezing outside.

Donald Trump could sell baby back ribs made from real minority babies and his supporters would back him.

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Black Fridays Matter


cjones11262015

Yeah, this will upset some people. I don’t expect the majority of my clients to run it. It’s scary.

Over 18 months ago 17-year-old LaQuan McDonald was shot in the street by  Chicago police officer Jason Van Dyke. Laquan was shot 16 times. Fourteen of those shots were after he was laying in the street. Van Dyke shot LaQuan, ran out of bullets, and it appeared he was going to reload before a fellow officer stopped him. The initial defense was Officer Van Dyke felt threatened, while LaQuan was walking away from him.

For over 18 months this case sat. Officer Van Dyke was put on a desk. Right before the mayoral election the city settled with the family for $5 million, before the family even filed suit. The tape of the shooting was held from the public, until Tuesday when a judge ordered that it be released after a journalist filed for it be released under the state’s open record law. Right then the prosecutor decided to press charges for first degree murder.

The video is from a dashboard camera from a police cruiser. No other footage has been made available. There’s not any audio. There’s allegations the police destroyed additional footage and even went to a Kentucky Fried Chicken and destroyed evidence their cameras caught. We’ll see if any of this actually comes to light.

A lot of people are tired of cops being questioned and accused of targeting minorities. A lot of other people are tired of cops targeting minorities and having it excused, covered up, pushed aside, or ignored. In fact, despite the footage on the video showing Laquan shot 16 times, where the cop started shooting six seconds after leaving his vehicle, it still took prosecutors 18 months to charge the officer.

I watched CNN, MSNBC and Fox News last night to see how this would be covered. Two of those covered the news of the issue. One of them spent most of their time acknowledging the footage looked bad, but kept questioning why minorities don’t protest black on black killings in Chicago. Guess which news source that was. I’ll give you a hint. It rhymes with “cox.”

There’s several questions over this. Such as: Why was the video withheld from the public for so many months? Would they have held on to it if it vindicated the cop? If there wasn’t a video would the cop have ever charged.

I’m a natural cynic, but I think I know the answers to all each of those questions.

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Pulp Friction


cjones11082015

I’m a huge fan of Quentin Tarantino. He’s an amazing film maker. Pulp Fiction did for movies what Nirvana did for rock music. It changed a lot. I love Reservoir Dogs, Jackie Brown, Inglorious Bastards, Django Unchained. I’m really looking forward to The Hateful Eight. I didn’t like the Kill Bills very much.

The man is an artist. He refuses to shoot in digital. He makes films on film. He bought a theater in Hollywood to show classic movies he loves. He loves his craft and that’s something I can respect.

I understand taste is subjective and a lot of people don’t like his movies. I get that. I get that a lot of people don’t like his politics. After this week police especially don’t like his politics.

Tarantino spoke at a rally in New York City against police brutality and said he stands with the murdered. Those comments really pissed off the cops and police unions all over the country have banned together to stage a boycott of Tarantino’s upcoming flick, The Hateful Eight.

To his credit, Tarantino has not apologized. And he shouldn’t. He mentioned murderers. He did not say all cops are murderers and has elaborated that is not what he’s saying. Good for him. He could have made his initial comments a little clearer but it’s not his fault people want to get their tighties in a bunch over words. This upsetting people over an opinion is something I’m familiar with. A lot of times people hear what they want to hear, especially when they want to play the victim.

Jim Pasco, the head of the national Fraternal Order of Police, told reporters that “something is in the works” against Tarantino. What does that mean? He elaborated a bit that the union’s plans “could happen any time” between now and the premiere of Tarantino’s new movie. Right when shutting up might be in the cop’s best interest he went on and said “We’ll be opportunistic. Tarantino has made a good living out of violence and surprise. Our officers make a living trying to stop violence, but surprise is not out of the question.”

How do you take something like that without a veiled threat of violence being something you want to hear?

The police don’t have to like what Tarantino said. But instead of getting upset with celebrities they should be upset with cops who are hurting their image. They should be upset that innocent people are dying at the hands of police and most of the time they would get away with it if it’s not caught on camera. They should put more effort into preventing cops from targeting minorities and killing unarmed black men and less into a stupid boycott.

I find that to be something much more worthy to get angry over.

Pass the popcorn.

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Eaten Alive


cjones12092014

Yeah, I’m getting tired of race issues. I’ll stop drawing cartoons on racism when authority stops engaging in racists acts.

On to the analogy I used: Over 20 years ago I worked in the reptile house of a zoo. I was a real reptile enthusiast. I even had snakes and a free roam Iguana at home which came in handy with preventing inlaws from giving you a surprise visit (they literally slept in a van in the driveway once).

I am not an actual Herpetologist but I do know you’re going to have a very difficult time convincing a snake to actually swallow a human being. So when I saw the commercials of an idiot volunteering himself to be eaten alive by an Anaconda  on the Discovery Channel I knew that wasn’t going to happen. Maybe he should have let the snake in on the deal and cut him on a piece of the TV royalties.

I do know from experience that it doesn’t take any convincing for a snake to bite the living crap out of you. I once had a Reticulated Python bite me in the forehead. I had an oval of about 20 tiny cabs above my brow for about a week. I’ve actually been bitten quite a few times but you don’t want to hear about that girl from Delaware.

But hey, if you can convince a network to finance a show called Finding Bigfoot where nobody actually finds a Bigfoot then why can’t you have a two-hour documentary advertising being eaten by a huge snake where all it really consists of is a moron sitting in the water waiting on a big snake not to eat you? I do love those Bigfoot experts who are actually only experts at walking through the woods catching poison ivy and never catching a girlfriend. Even that lesbian on the show couldn’t catch a girlfriend.  I also love that those Bigfoot hunting “experts” always believe every witness account is an actual “squatch” encounter. You’d think that at least one time one of them would say “ya’ know…this person might be full of shit.” But then again they never ran into Michele Bachmann so they haven’t met a real challenge yet.

My latest animal “scare” happenedtoday. I took a walk and I was attacked (really!) by four Pomeranian puppies. I was in more danger than those Bigfoot and Anaconda hunters. I socks were covered in dog spittle.

I digressed again. To sum up: racism bad and does still exist in America. Bigfoot: doesn’t exist but still has marketing power. Being swallowed by a giant snake: not gonna happen unless you’re a rodent. A quadruple Pomeranian attack: Nightmares to come.