Prince Harry

Royal Potatoes


CNN03072021

Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday. 

When Meghan and Harry talked about someone in the royal family, the Firm, expressing concern over their baby Archie’s skin color, I could relate. I believed them.

My family is closer to trailer parks than it is to palaces, but we have the same shit as the royal family. We have racism and I have family members I can’t talk to anymore.

In 2015, when Donald Trump was just a candidate for the presidency, I had to stop talking to two family members. It wasn’t because they were Trump supporters but them being Trump supporters is indicative of why we don’t talk. The obnoxious hate, ignorance, and narcissism that makes one a Trump supporter extends to other facets of people’s lives

I have several nieces. At that time, one of them was pregnant. She is white though she is Latina but most people may not be aware or they just forget…but whatever. She appears white. Her boyfriend, the father of the child, is black. They all live in a different state than I and you’re about to find out why I don’t want to live near my family.

A family member told my pregnant niece that society would not accept her baby because it would be half black. When I first heard this, I thought maybe there was miscommunication, someone was making it worse than it actually was, or even that she did say something horrible but it wasn’t racist. You see, my family has a penchant for drama and there are members with histories of making shit up. I did not hear it directly from the accused but I wanted to find out for myself.

My sister in-law told me of the offense. Then I talked to my niece who backed it all up and was obviously very upset. So I went straight to the horse’s mouth. I asked her specifically, “Did you say the baby would not be accepted by society because it would be black and white?” She said yes. She was proud and defiant that she said that.

It broke my heart.

I adored this person. I even let this person live with me for several years rent-free. Once, a friend needed to use my printer and I wasn’t home. But the relative who would later claim society won’t accept a mixed-race baby was home. I told my friend, who is female and black, to stop by my house and my relative would let her in. When she got there, my dog went nuts barking at her. My relative told her, fully believing her bullshit, that the dog was barking at her because dogs can’t see black people clearly because they have dog eyes which only allows them to see a grey silhouette when they look at a black person. Seriously. Never mind the fact the dog was a Jack Russell (they bark at everything. They bark at wind) who had already bitten about a dozen of my friends, most of them being white. It was embarrassing when my friend told me of this later but I chalked it up to my relative’s adorable stupidity. She’s not racist. She’s just ignorant and very stupid so don’t be too mad.

I was wrong. She was racist…and ignorant and stupid.

So years later, she’s back living in the Midwest saying hateful, terrible, and racist things to a pregnant teenager. When she admitted she did it, her argument was that we weren’t raised that way. But the racist motherfucker who raised her didn’t raise me and even if he had…it wouldn’t have been an excuse to carry on any stupid family lineage of hate and ignorance. I had to tell her right then, in 2015, that I couldn’t talk to her anymore. I told her I would not bother her, would not call her, and I would not text her. It’s 2021 now and I haven’t contacted her since.

There were a couple of comments here and there on Facebook (she once made hateful public posts about my girlfriend at the time even though my girlfriend had never done or said anything to her. Drama), but I have since blocked her and two others in my family just so I don’t have to see their shit on other family members’ posts and to keep myself from replying to them…or even thinking about them. And for the most part, I don’t think about them until racist royalty gives me a reminder. Oh, yeah. I have racist fucknuts in my family.

But the racism my family member expressed was only a part of the vile thing she said. Have you ever known a pregnant woman? You don’t say mean shit to a woman who is pregnant. You get in trouble when you say innocuous shit to a pregnant woman. I’ve had things thrown at me for asking a pregnant woman if my hair looked OK. She gave my pregnant niece a vile, despicable, hateful shit sundae. The racism was just the shit cherry on the top of the shit sundae.

I still love my family, even the stupid racist ones. But, that doesn’t mean I have to talk to them. From the sounds of it, Harry is still open to talking to his father and brother. If either of them is the perpetrators of the skin-tone comments, I wouldn’t be in a rush to talk to him. The thing is, racist people are not open-minded. It will be a long time and probably never that they ever call and apologize. They will probably never see they were racists or ever did anything wrong. These people are not good at “sorry.”

When I talk to my family members again, if I do, it will be on my terms, not theirs. People like this are poison. It’s best to cut poison out of your life…even if that poison is family. It’s just too bad but you have to cut it out…especially if you’re building a new family. It’s better to keep that poison away from your wife and child. I totally understand why Harry and Meghan moved to Far Far Away. I did too.

My advice when you have troglodytes in the family: Stay away.

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Imminent Lies


cjones01132020

Would Donald Trump blame Meghan Markle for her and Prince Harry’s decision to leave the Royal Family? Trump? Blame a black woman for something? Duh! It’s not like it’d be the first time…or the second, or the third, or the fourth, or the…etc, etc. After all, he is afraid of strong black women. They’re “nasty.”

I expect Donald Trump to issue a public opinion about Harry and Meghan any time now. It’s something that doesn’t concern or affect him, so it’s right up his alley. Let me remind you, back in the 80’s, he openly discussed having sex with Harry’s mother and wrote in The Art of the Comeback: “I only have one regret in the women department, that I never had the opportunity to court Lady Diana Spencer.” Court? That’s how you know he used a ghostwriter. According some royal sources, Diana felt “stalked” by Trump and it was “creepy.” Yeah, we know the feeling.

He also expressed LOTS of opinions about Kate Middleton being caught by the paparazzi sunbathing in the nude. But maybe that’s acceptable because he’s also expressed several opinions about his two daughters’ bodies.

As Trump scrambles to justify his assassination of Soleimani, he builds one lie on top of another without regard to the appearance of tell-tale signs. As it’s been proven multiple times, Donald Trump is NOT a good negotiator, having been owned by people from Nancy Pelosi to Kim Jong Un to the plaintiffs in lawsuits against the Trump Foundation and Trump University. The man doesn’t have a poker face. So when Trump goes from the claim that Soleimani was targeting one American embassy…to FOUR the very next day, you know he’s making it up as he goes along. It makes you wonder why he didn’t go ahead and claim a thousand? We don’t have a thousand embassies, but who cares? He made the claim at a Trump rally. Next thing you know, Lou Dobbs would be on TV claiming we have a thousand embassies and anyone who doesn’t agree loves terrorists.

This “four embassies” claim presents two of the problems with having Donald Trump as president (sic) of the United States of America. His history of lying has destroyed any credibility the office may have given him. Even in an international crisis, friends, allies, and enemies alike are skeptical of anything Trump claims.

The other problem is that he can’t negotiate or sell. Sure, stupid people buy his shit. There’s probably a Trump shirt-wearing fucknut right now purchasing $15.00 plastic straws to sock it to snowflakes, but the mullahs of Iran may not be as gullible, stupid, or pathetic.

Trump’s own administration has refused to say if four embassies were targeted. They claim it’s classified, even though Trump has declassified it by saying it. They say the president is correct about “imminent threats,” go into a long repeat of Soleimani’s past crimes and never back up Trump on the four embassies thing. They never explicitly state Soleimani was targeting “FOUR” American embassies. There’s gotta be someone in the administration dumb and gung ho enough with a quote to repeat Trump’s claim. Where’s Kellyanne?

And, with the way Trump projects, I’m waiting to find out it was him who was targetting four American embassies.

When will we find out if Trump’s claim is true? Never. Even Iran would step first to admit they were wrong and messed up before Donald Trump ever would. Look at the airliner situation? Iran finally claimed credit last night after initially denying it.

If it was Trump, he would have blamed a black woman.

Creative note: I’ve been sitting on the Cats! joke for two weeks. Originally, it was going to be for George Soros. Then earlier this week, Trevor Noah used it for Soleimani. Damn him! But I figured after a few days had past and it’s not my punchline, that I can still use it.

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You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From The Trumpster Fire

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Trust-Fund Royalty


cjones01112020

I had an excellent blog planned out in my head and I started on this cartoon at 5:30 a.m. Then, something struck in my stomach and I’ve been laid out nearly all day. I don’t know if it’s the cheeseburger I had last night or that I had two of them.

At any rate, no blog today. You got this. I gotta try to rest up before I start writing ideas for CNN. I hurt.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From The Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Royal Babies


cjones05092019

Donald Trump is a baby.

The man whined over college athletes not “thanking him enough” after he had China release them from jail for shoplifting. He whined last week over Twitter removing bots from his followers, which puts him even further behind Obama in another area. At a Coast Guard event in 2017, he whined, “No politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly.” He whines when people call him out on his lies. He whines that the media uses facts. He whines when people he’s not loyal to abandon their loyalty to him. He whines when courts won’t let him burn the Constitution. He whines that he can’t have Russian spies in his campaign without people saying it looks suspicious.

The primaries were unfair. The debates were unfair. The general election was unfair. He even whines when it rains.

Not only have I given up on Trump ever pivoting to presidential, I’ve given up on him pivoting to adulthood. We didn’t elect a president (we didn’t elect Trump period, but we’ll save that for another day), we elected a baby. A great big, old, orange baby.

So, why is Trump so insecure? There are theories.

One theory is, he’s stupid and doesn’t measure up to people who aren’t stupid. He’s a guy who demanded that Obama release his school transcripts who won’t release his own. He even had Michael Cohen call his universities and threaten them not to ever release his records, which they’re already prohibited from doing by law.

Another theory is, he hasn’t actually accomplished anything in his life. Everything was handed to him. Maybe if he makes enough noise, people won’t notice all his claims are lies.

Maybe it’s the botched hair transplant that left a skanky, bleached ferret on his head. Fun fact: The ferret died from inhaling hair spray.

Maybe it’s a tiny penis. Lots of men overcompensate for that by buying really big cars, big guns, building up their muscles, screaming at women and immigrants, joining the Klan, voting for Donald Trump, etc.

Or, we can go with my new theory. Donald Trump wears a diaper.

There’s no shame for an adult who must wear a diaper. It’s a medical thing. I don’t think we should laugh at them…unless they’re Donald Trump. Why laugh at Trump over such a thing? Because it’s the kinda thing he’d laugh at someone else over. If you’ve ever been around Trump, have you heard a “crunch, crunch, crunch” sound coming from his nether regions when he walks? How about a “squish, squish, squish?”

But think about it. The guy is a billionaire who owns his own clothing line, yet he can’t wear a suit that fits his body. They’re all too big. That would hide his diaper and probably be much more comfortable when you go hours without changing it.

And, someone needs to change it. I had a baby. Three things that make a baby a cranky baby are, lack of sleep, hunger, and a full diaper. We know Trump’s not hungry because it’s like a hamberder paradise over at the White House. We know he’s not tired because he doesn’t work a hectic schedule. So, the diaper must be full. Whose job is it to change that diaper? It’s hard to tell because everyone who works for Trump is the kind of person who’s expunged all dignity to wallow through whatever amount of orangy shit Trump forces them to dive into.

Of course, changing the diaper doesn’t change the fact he still has to wear a diaper. But, maybe he won’t be AS cranky. Now, every time I see and hear him screaming at one of his rallies, I’m going to wonder just how full is that diaper. And, does Steve Mnuchin wash his hands after his turn changing it?

Donald Trump does not feel good about himself. He thinks he’s a piece of crap. When he attacks other people, he’s trying to bring them down to his level. But, you can’t bring people down to your level. The only person who can bring you down is yourself.

Donald Trump has been tearing himself down for years to the point that he’s nothing more than a lying, racist, sexist, Islamophobic, stealing-from-charity, narcissistic, insecure, lusting-after-his-daughter, skanky-ferret and diaper wearing scumbag. Maybe the royal family would like to have one of those.

I’m open to a trade. We get a nice, newborn baby with a charming English accent (they come with those, right?), and they get…well, we better not tell them beforehand.

They’ve seen the blimp.

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Royal Racism


cjones05252018

I think the thing that bums me out the most about the wedding between Prince Harry and American Meghan Markle is that I remember the wedding between Prince Charles and Diana. God, I’m getting old.

A lot of people seem to be making a stink about Meghan being of mixed race. I thought maybe it was being overblown until I saw a headline in a British publication saying something about Markle, who was born in Los Angeles, being “straight outta Compton.”

So, it’s not just white Americans freaking out when they see a black person in a situation they deem unusual, like sitting in a coffee shop, or a library, or selling a house, walking in a white neighborhood, breathing air, etc. The Brits can do it too.

Markle is half black and half white. I wouldn’t have known this if it wasn’t pointed out. It’s not that I’m so open-minded as much as I can be oblivious at times. I can be really oblivious. Once in my early 20s, I didn’t realize a friend of mine was Latino until I read an article about him, and his last name is Ramirez. See? It’s especially weird because I cover and talk about race so much.

It’s a good thing that society isn’t just becoming tolerant, but accepting reality. From a mixed couple in a Cheerios commercial to the royal family, we’ve come a long way. But then again, we have people freaking out because they see two black guys at Starbucks and people are voting for Donald Trump. You may not be racist if you voted for Donald Trump, but racism is not a deal breaker for you.

We still have a long way to go.

I did watch the royal wedding this morning. But I didn’t wake up at 4:00 AM to watch the coverage. I’m usually up at that time drawing. I was watching it on MSNBC and saw anchors I respect totally geek out and become starstruck when the newly married couple passed them in their carriage. But, I’m a guy. I didn’t really enjoy going to my own wedding.

This is another bonus cartoon. I wanted to do the race subject and I had another idea on the subject that made a stronger point, but I knew adding the wedding would probably get it more attention and make more publications. One aspect I struggled with in my decision was Markle’s skin tone. She’s half black, yes. But, technically, she’s not a dark-skinned person. I imagine you would have to be a fiercely dedicated racist to get upset if you saw her at Starbucks.

Now, I’m taking the rest of the night off. I’m going to eat a club sandwich, eat some ice cream later, and appropriately, I plan to watch Black Panther.

Watch Me Draw.

https://youtu.be/sxEmtVcI-sU

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