Covid19

Bouncy Bouncy Beach Bums


cjones03242020

Everybody is stressing out over this pandemic. The concern goes beyond getting sick ourselves, or our loved ones being stricken with Covid-19. We’re worried about life as we know it. We’re worried about our income, homes, jobs. We’re worried about so much more than running out of toilet paper. We’re worried about being able to buy food and if food will be available.

At the beginning of this week, businesses started to shut down voluntarily. On Tuesday, state governments were ordering closures or limits on service. Here in Virginia, restaurants, no matter how large they are, are limited to ten customers in their building at a time. This hurts. People in the service industry will be the first to suffer. Already, unemployment numbers are coming in that are huge. We had a stock market crash. Now we’re having an employment crash. This isn’t fear mongering or predictions of doom. This is happening.

Yesterday, when it was time to check out at the grocery store, I decided to use those horrible self-checkout lanes out of safety for myself and the cashiers. People were jammed next to each other, so I stood several feet away waiting for it to clear up. I even waited for a few aisles to clear up before going down them…and old people are really slow. They take their time in a grocery store. When they pick up green bananas, they’re yellow by the time they check out. And they all buy bananas. Why isn’t there a banana shortage? And why do they all buy bananas?

There were a couple of machines available when a lady asked if I was in line. I told her I was but I was social distancing, but if she wanted, she could go before me. She said, “Great” and promptly jammed herself in with the others. She also laughed at me. I hope there’s a tarantula in her bananas.

A friend of mine manages a bar here in town that I never go to. It’s very small and cramped. Kinda dank and skanky too. It’s named after a masturbation technique. It’s like Hooters but with less dignity. But I hear the chicken wings are really good. Anyway, he was posting on social media, upset over the state limiting their services. He believed it should be each individual’s choice on whether or not to take the risk of exposure. Freedom! America! Liberty! No socialist big government telling us what to do! I tried to explain to my friend, it’s not his choice to risk exposing others. I’m not sure he understood that.

I get it. You’re scared. And I’m not sitting here in a lofty tower cartooning, blogging, and casting aspersions on everyone who disagrees with me. Well, at least not without understanding. This pandemic is going to hit all of us and that includes sloppy political cartoonists. When it comes to being afraid and nervous about the future, I’m right there with you.

This is hitting us fast. And while we’re being told we’ll recover, climbing is a lot harder and slower than falling. You have a right to stress out and quite frankly, if you’re not, you’re being extremely naive. Everybody is stressing over this pandemic. Well, almost everybody.

Spring break is this week and the beaches in Florida are pretty full. Millennials have given us another reason to look down our noses at them. They’re not taking this seriously and maybe like Trump supporters, they haven’t accepted the reality yet that this is going to hit them. But they’re doing something much more dangerous. They’re risking exposing themselves…and the ones they love.

Youth is wasted on the young. You feel invincible when you’re young. I did. And if you catch Covid-19, you will probably be OK. You’re young, strong, a rock star, stupid but healthy. It’s time to party. But you’re being selfish. You risk exposing others, especially people older than you, including family members. Are you willing to kill grandma for a wet T-shirt contest? Don’t answer that.

My bar-managing friend isn’t a millennial so it’s not just they who don’t seem to get it. But right now, you better get it before you get it.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

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Trump, Tropes, And Trots


cjones03232020

Yesterday, I had a Trump supporter tell me to “stop playing the blame game” and stop blaming “President” (sic) Trump. Three days ago, this idiot posted on Facebook that the coronavirus pandemic is a conspiracy. I get asked occasionally, “Why don’t you unfriend these hateful and stupid people?” Because I want to know the latest arguments and talking points they’re using. I want to know the daily outrage.

Usually, the daily outrage is “Obama, Obama, Obama.” Others over the past few months have been Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Adam Schiff, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, the Superbowl halftime show, the “media,” and invisible things that persecute Trump cultists. It’s kinda crept up slowly, but now the outrage is China.

It’s often debated, is Fox News leading Trump or is Trump leading Fox News? It’s both. This time, it’s Fox News giving the talking point to Donald Trump. This time, it’s the “China virus.”

Fox News anchors have been calling the coronavirus the “Chinese virus” and the “Wuhan virus.” Why? because it’s a racist trope that caters to the racist base that makes up their viewership and it deflects blame from Donald Trump.

Now, Trump is using the term “Chinese virus.” He said it’s “not racist at all” and in explaining why he uses it, he said, “It comes from China. That’s why.” He also said he was trying to combat a disinformation campaign by China that the virus was started by the U.S. military. He said, “I didn’t appreciate the fact that China was saying that our military gave it to them. I think saying that our military gave it to them creates a stigma.”

It’s true that China has started a propaganda campaign placing blame on the United States. It’s also true that Trump and his team are waging a disinformation and hate campaign in return. The Secretary of State has referred to it as the “Wuhan virus” at least six times. The Trump campaign said on its website, “America is under attack — not just by an invisible virus, but by the Chinese.” That creates a stigma.

Kellyanne Conway said Donald Trump was trying to be “accurate” and, “I think what the president is saying is that is where it was first started.” Republican fucknut Senator Charles Grassley tweeted, “I don’t understand why China gets upset bc we refer to the virus that originated there the ‘Chinese virus’ Spain never got upset when we referred to the Spanish flu in 1918&1919.” No one is sure where the Spanish Flu originated, with many saying Spain, China, Austria, a UK military camp in France, and…Kansas. It flared up during World War I with most signs pointing at the world’s militaries of being the cause and carriers. It got the name “Spanish Flu” because Spain was neutral and the allies agreed to give them the name, thus removing blame from themselves. Maybe by blaming Spain with the name (and we were recently in a war with them), there wouldn’t be any resistance from the European nations we were at war with who were also fighting the pandemic. Anyway, Charles Grassley is an idiot.

It’s not just hateful to blame the government of China for the virus. It’s also hateful to people of Chinese descent. Hell, even people descended from other Asian nations are being blamed. There have been reports of attacks and slurs cast at Asian-Americans. Even Trump-supporting white people married to Asians are confused by which Asians to blame.

CBS News reporter Weijia Jiang tweeted, “This morning a White House official referred to #Coronavirus as the ‘Kung-Flu’ to my face.” Kellyanne demanded the reporter to tell her who said it, thus demanding a reporter to reveal her sources. While Kellyanne said it was wrong to say “Kung Flu,” she defended Donald Trump’s use of “Chinese virus.”

Kellyanne pulled out her imaginary Get-Out-Of-Racism-Free card by pointing out she’s married to an Asian, as George Conway is half-Filipino. That was weird. She’s married to the guy and doesn’t seem to understand Filipino is not Chinese. That’s like saying I can’t be prejudiced against Germans because I have English ancestry. We’re white so we all look alike, right? Is that what Kellyanne was trying to say about her husband and children?

Also, like Europeans can hate other Europeans and Muslim nations hate other Muslim nations, there are Asians who hate Asians. Go to China or Korea (either one) and ask them how they feel about the Japanese. No race is monolithic. You’d think someone married to someone of a different race would understand that. But, if George hasn’t convinced Kellyanne that Donald Trump is a racist grifting conman with brain worms, he’s probably not going to be able to convince her Filipinos and Chinese aren’t the same.

China bungled their response to the pandemic. Donald Trump did too. But neither gave us the virus. Both are guilty of making it worse. It would be best for our government not to respond to a hateful propaganda campaign from a communist nation with its own hateful propaganda campaign.

Blaming China takes the heat off Trump. It puts a face on the virus. It’s catering to the hate in Donald Trump’s base, which is what Trump and Fox News does best.

The universally recognized terms are “coronavirus” and “covid19.” Calling it anything with an Asian connotation is a distraction and entirely political. Anyone doing so has an agenda, and it’s a hateful agenda. It’s not about accuracy.

Donald Trump is now referring to himself as a “wartime president.” I found it scary enough when he referred to himself just as “president.” During an actual war, President Franklin Roosevelt responded with racism when he put over 120,000 Japanese-Americans in internment camps…just because they were Japanese. If a good president like Roosevelt can do something so hateful and prejudiced, what will a bad, racist, hateful president like Donald Trump do, even if his war is pretend?

Presidents are supposed to bring people together, especially during a crisis. Being presidential is not Donald Trump’s specialty. Solving a crisis isn’t his specialty either. Hate is Donald Trump’s specialty. Division is his specialty.

The virus isn’t prejudiced, racist, or partisan. It doesn’t have yellow, black, brown, or white skin. It doesn’t care about your tax bracket. Tax cuts will not kill the pandemic. Neither will Donald Trump’s hate and racism.

Racism is a virus and a plague…just like Donald Trump.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

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Jump For Trump


cjones03212020

Yesterday, Donald Trump gave another press conference on the coronavirus. This time, he tried to appear more somber and adultlike. He even said the media was doing a good job. Then, the stock market dropped nearly 3,000 points, which was the market’s worse day since Black Monday in 1987.

And there’s no wonder why the market keeps going up and down. Sunday, Donald Trump said he had the virus under control. On Monday, he admitted he didn’t. Then, he said this crisis could last until July or August. He even said we could be headed to a recession. All of this after the Federal Reserve slashed interest rates to zero, which means they can’t go any lower.

The stock market’s going to do what it’s going to do. It’s really hard for a president to control it, but when a president demonstrates he doesn’t have a clue about anything, especially during a worldwide crisis, the market is affected.

Stores are closing. Restaurants are either closed or only offering takeout. Sporting events and conventions are being canceled or rescheduled. Primaries are being postponed. People are losing money. Donald Trump is turning into Herbert Hoover…but with less ethics, intelligence, and ability.

Senator Mitt Romney has floated the idea of giving every American $1,000 which is probably the best idea a Republican has proposed since Eisenhower proposed the interstate. And this idea was stolen from a Democrat, though watered down. Former presidential candidate Andrew Yang ran on a campaign of giving every American taxpayer $1,000 a month. Right now, that sounds like a great idea and it might go farther for the nation and holding up the economy than bailouts of banks, airlines, and cruise lines. Mitt’s idea is receiving a lot of interest from members in both parties.

Even casinos are asking Congress for a bailout which doesn’t excite me. First off, this is an industry where people give it money for nothing in return. Secondly, Donald Trump’s casinos got a bailout from his daddy and he still drove them into the ground. Now, casinos are asking for help from the guy who bankrupts casinos. Why is the stock market falling under Trump’s leadership again?

Donald Trump needs to shut up. The governors of this nation, Democrats and Republicans, have taken the lead. He needs to give them what they ask for, instead of telling them to go find respirators on their own, and get out of their way. He needs to rubber-stamp whatever Congress sends him to combat this crisis and get out of the way. He needs to listen to the health experts at the CDC and the economic experts at the Fed, give them what they want, and get out of their way.

If Donald Trump gave a statement that he’s going to stop pretending to be in charge, admit he doesn’t know fuck from fuck, and from now on he’s just going to give what’s asked for and then get out of the way, the market would probably skyrocket. Even if he said, “I’ll be at Mar-a-Lago playing golf. You guys handle this,” it wouldn’t hurt Wall Street any more than his actions and statements already have.

That’s not going to happen (he’ll still play golf, of course) so at the very least, he should just shut the fuck up.

Maybe it was shits and giggles for a lot of people to have a racist toddler gameshow host with brain worms in charge for a few years, but now we need an adult in the White House. Since we don’t have one, Donald Trump needs to shut up and get out of the way.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

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Trumpy Takes A Test


cjones03202020

Despite hanging out with multiple Trump cultists and shitweasels who may be infected with the coronavirus, and several who definitely are, Donald Trump was reluctant about taking a test to see if maybe he had contracted the virus.

He told us he wasn’t worried about being in contact with people who had the virus because he didn’t know them and about that photo of him grinning it up with the infected Brazilian, he hasn’t even seen that photo. Maybe that was his coronavirus test.

He finally took a test after being pressured by the press. Maybe there were questions like, “have you seen the photo? No? Well, then you can’t have the virus because that’s how shit works. Here’s your lolly.”

That’s how it works in Trumplandia but not in reality, where the majority of us live.

Also, here, in reality, you’re not actually 240 pounds just because a fucknut doctor said you are. And if you’re 5 foot nine, and a doctor looking to appease your cult says you’re 6 foot three, you’re still actually 5 foot nine. Sorry.

So, when asked about taking the test, Trump tried to dodge the question before finally mumbling it was “difficult” and nobody would enjoy it, “it was unpleasant… it’s a medical test! It’s not fun!” I mean, it’s almost like he didn’t take the test.

Perhaps he thought it was like one of those tests for an STD, where they need to stick a cotton swab into your pee hole and twirl it around 5-10 times. That, I can only guess because I never dated like Trump did in the 80s, has to be unpleasant (I just looked it up on the internet to see if it’s true and OHMYGOD). So maybe Donald Trump thought the coronavirus test was similar and for some weird reason would involve his penis.

But since he likes to take credit for Obama’s accomplishments, which he’s finally fucking up, maybe he stole his test results for the coronavirus. I’m sure President Obama’s results would come back negative since he hasn’t been hanging out with right-wing fuckos at Mar-a-Lago, which by the way, is being closed down for the coronavirus.

I think now would be a great opportunity for Donald Trump to self-quarantine at Mar-a-Lago and while he’s there, maybe do something about that bedbug problem.

If Trump does take a test, I’m sure it’ll come back positive in that he is the virus. He is the pandemic. He is the plague. Four more years? Personally, I’d rather have a doctor stick a cotton swab in my pee hole.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From 

Watch me draw.

TP America


cjones03192020

Funny thing. When Donald Trump picked Mike Pence as his running mate, the first Trump/Pence logo involved the initials “TP.” This was probably decided by the same idiots who created the Tea Party and were totally surprised they acquired the nickname “teabaggers.” And then totally surprised to learn what a “teabagger” was (I had to explain it to an editor. In case you’re a Republican and still don’t know, it means “buddy” which is how you should greet each of your fucknut friends from now on. They’ll appreciate the greeting, “Hey, teabagger,” and probably thank you). After being mocked, ridiculed, and having someone explain why to them, the campaign changed the shitty (no pun intended) “TP” logo and removed the initials. The real irony is that Trump and Pence can’t even deliver TP to us.

When I was a teenager, my friends and I engaged in TPing. In case you weren’t a teenager, that’s when someone covers your entire yard and probably your home too in toilet paper. It’s even worse if it rains. It’s mostly a harmless prank that really annoys the homeowner because it’s a lot easier to put toilet paper in tree branches than it is to get it out. And, if they have a kid, he or she is the one who cleans it up. That’s because a home usually isn’t TP’ed unless there’s a kid in the house. Kids don’t pick random houses to TP. Sometimes, they hit the home of someone they don’t like but usually, it’s a home of someone they do like. It’s either a friend or a crush. Once, after TPing a few houses, we hit the house of one of our partners in TPing crime after he thought we were done (Our fake surprise the next morning should have won us Oscars. If he’s reading this now, he’s like, “I knew it!”). If your home ever gets TP’ed and you don’t have a kid then you just seriously pissed off some neighbors and should probably move and start over. Another explanation might be you’ve planted Trump/Pence signs in your yard, in which case there were probably eggs and burning bags of poo involved also.

Now, instead of getting in trouble for “rolling” someone’s yard, you might be thanked.

A lot of Trump supporters are still telling us the coronavirus pandemic is a hoax and conspiracy to hurt Donald Trump because everything in the world that’s bad is out to get them because old white guys are the most persecuted people in the history of dumbass history. And, a lot of people who aren’t Trump supporters agree with them that people are overreacting.

They think everyone’s freaking out by purchasing and hoarding hand sanitizer, bread, water and of course, toilet paper. And yeah, everyone is kinda freaking with all the hoarding.

Last Wednesday, I was talking to a friend about it and later went to a grocery store in my neighborhood. I texted her to say the store hadn’t been hit that hard yet and she still had time to buy some TP. Because I’m one of those people that goes to the store nearly every day for some small insignificant item, I was back on Thursday and this time, the shelves were wiped out (no pun intended). I was at a Wal-Mart Saturday night getting some junk for my apartment and saw they were wiped out there as well (but they did have $3.00 laundry hampers).

So you may remain rational and think, “Well, I’m not going to lose my mind and run to the store and buy and hoard all the toilet paper,” but then you think that because everyone else has lost their freaking minds buying toilet paper means you won’t have any if this crisis carries on too long, so you freak out, lose your mind, and run to the store to buy and hoard toilet paper. Laura, one of my proofreaders, told me this morning, while not proofreading this wordless cartoon, that a friend of hers has decided TP is the new “craptocurrency” and he calls it “shitcoin.”

When I was in the store last Wednesday and I saw it on the shelves, I didn’t buy any. I had at least five rolls at home and thought that I’ll be OK. But when I saw the shelves empty the next day, I thought, “oh shit.” Pun intended. So, I went to the 7-11 replacement convenience store near my home (that means it replaced a 7-11 which pisses you off because the new store doesn’t have nachos and taquitos, and if you’ve never had a 7-11 taquito then you’re not living right and probably have plenty of toilet paper) and found five individual rolls there for $1.50 a-piece. I bought all five rolls. Bring it, pandemic! Never mind. Please don’t bring it.

I’ve never been mugged but I was was very protective and wary of my surroundings while walking home with those five rolls of Scott. Later, I went back to the store for something else and the nice lady who owns the place told me she had more toilet paper in stock, which means she now sees me as the toilet paper guy and I’m going to have to make a more memorable purchase to erase that nickname. I’m looking forward to being the 15 boxes of Trojans and Monster energy drink guy.

Now, paper towels and napkins are flying off the shelves too. I even read that some people are stealing all the napkins at Taco Bells. If they’re using them for what I think they’re using them for, that’s some real irony.

Overreacting is a hell of a lot better than whatever the hell it was the Trump administration did to prepare for the pandemic. Again, these are the same idiots who didn’t foresee being mocked for using the “TP” initials or that they were going to be called “teabaggers.” Which, again, if you’re a Trump supporter, is a compliment. Use it on your friends. Please.

But here’s the thing, America. An overreaction is better than an underreaction. If anything, We, as in our nation’s leadership (sic) totally underestimated this virus. We were not prepared for a pandemic to begin with, but the reaction from the Trump administration made it worse. If this doesn’t become as bad as many people are speculating, critics, especially Facebook “experts” will say we overreacted as it wasn’t that bad. But maybe it’s our reaction that prevented it from being worse. Of course with Trump’s reaction, it got worse than it ever should have been.

On another note, if you do visit bars and/or restaurants during this pandemic, tip a little more than usual. We are in this together and should be looking out for each other. People who work in the service industry will be the first to feel this. Be nice. Even you Republicans. Try to be nice.

And this just in: Right before I clicked “publish” on this blog, the manager of my local Starbucks (OK, I’m here too much), sat down near me (not too close and we did the elbow greeting) to tell me all their stores in the U.S. and Canada will remain open, but their dining area will be closed. What this means is, you can still go to Starbucks and buy stuff but you can’t stay. You can’t sit around and hang out.

Be safe and look out for each other.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From 

Watch me draw.

Corona Closure


CNN03152020

Here’s your cartoon for CNN’s weekly newsletter, Provoke/Persuade. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday for the rest of your life.

I don’t have much to add to this so I’m going to give you a little treat. Someone commented under someone else’s reshare of one of my cartoons. What he did was provide a timeline of quotes by Donald Trump on the coronavirus. I loved it. I’ll reshare that here for you. Here we go.

January 22: “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China. It’s going to be just fine.”

February 2: “We pretty much shut it down coming in from China.”

February 24: “The coronavirus is very much under control in the USA… Stock Market starting to look very good to me!”

February 25: “CDC and my Administration are doing a GREAT job of handling coronavirus.”

February 25: “I think that’s a problem that’s going to go away… They have studied it. They know very much. In fact, we’re very close to a vaccine.”

February 26: “The 15 (cases in the US) within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero.”

February 26: “We’re going very substantially down, not up.”

February 27: “One day it’s like a miracle, it will disappear.”

February 28: “We’re ordering a lot of supplies. We’re ordering a lot of, uh, elements that frankly we wouldn’t be ordering unless it was something like this. But we’re ordering a lot of different elements of medical.”

March 2: “You take a solid flu vaccine, you don’t think that could have an impact, or much of an impact, on corona?”

March 2: “A lot of things are happening, a lot of very exciting things are happening and they’re happening very rapidly.”

March 4: “If we have thousands or hundreds of thousands of people that get better just by, you know, sitting around and even going to work — some of them go to work, but they get better.”

March 5: “I NEVER said people that are feeling sick should go to work.”

March 5: “The United States… has, as of now, only 129 cases… and 11 deaths. We are working very hard to keep these numbers as low as possible!”

March 6: “I think we’re doing a really good job in this country at keeping it down… a tremendous job at keeping it down.”

March 6: “Anybody right now, and yesterday, anybody that needs a test gets a test. They’re there. And the tests are beautiful…. the tests are all perfect like the letter was perfect. The transcription was perfect. Right? This was not as perfect as that but pretty good.”

March 6: “I like this stuff. I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it… Every one of these doctors said, ‘How do you know so much about this?’ Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president.”

March 6: “I don’t need to have the numbers double because of one ship that wasn’t our fault.”

March 8: “We have a perfectly coordinated and fine-tuned plan at the White House for our attack on coronavirus.”

March 9: “This blindsided the world.”

March 9: “The Fake News Media and their partner, the Democrat Party, is doing everything within its semi-considerable power (it used to be greater!) to inflame the coronavirus situation, far beyond what the facts would warrant.”

March 10: “It will go away. Just stay calm. It will go away.”

March 13: “I don’t take responsibility at all.”

March 13: National Emergency Declaration

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From 

Watch me draw.

The Grim Toady


cjones03182020

What’s up with Mike Pence? He’s an adult, a grown man. He has a wife, a daughter, a pet bunny named Marlon Bundo. He probably pays taxes even…maybe. So what’s up with the constant toadying?

During any speech or comments by members of Donald Trump’s administration, they have to divert from the subject at hand to lavish praise on Donald Trump. Usually, the praise is for something imagined or managing a chaos he created. Except Mike Pence doesn’t divert from the subject to toady up to Trump. He diverts from toadying to talk about the subject. Mike Pence is an ass man. He loves the ass.

Mike Pence is an ass-kisser, a toady, bootlicker, suckup, lickspittle, flunky, fawner, sycophant, brown noser, apple polisher (I just learned that one), lackey, lapdog, and a yes man. He is the head zealot of the Trump cult. There are videos of Pence sitting next to Trump at a table, and when Trump moves the glass before him an inch or two, Pence quickly does the same with his eyes on Trump. Somewhere, your teacher’s pet from elementary school is saying, “damn.”

But yesterday during Trump’s declaration of a national emergency, Pence spoke several times. One of those times was dedicated solely to praising Trump and he may have broken his previous record for kissing Trump’s ass. Pence is real big on starting a statement with  leadership” and “President Trump…” That’s nauseating enough but yesterday’s session may have required a hosing down afterward.

Pence started with, “Thank you, Mr. President. This day should be an inspiration to every American, because thanks to your leadership from early on, not only are we bringing a whole of government approach to confronting the coronavirus, we’re bringing an all of America approach. Mr. President, from early on you took decisive action. You suspended all travel from China, you created travel advisories to South Korea and Italy. We screened all travelers from all airports in both of those countries. And on the unanimous recommendation of your health experts, you at midnight tonight will effectively suspend all travel from Europe and Americans that were returning will be screened and asked to voluntarily participate in a 14-day quarantine.”

Never mind the fact that Donald Trump has totally fucked up the response to the virus in service of his own self-interest. If you hadn’t thrown up by that point, it got worse. Pence continued, “Throughout this process, Mr. President, you’ve put the health of America first, but you brought the best of America to address it. And it’s not just at the federal level. As you said, Mr. President, we’ve been working with states across the country. We issued broad guidelines from the CDC for every American. But this week at your direction, we tailored specific recommendations from CDC for New York, Washington State, California, Massachusetts and Florida. And we’ve been in continuous contact, as you said, with governors around the country. Mr. President, you have forged a seamless partnership with every state and every territory in this country to put the health of our nation first.”

Whew! Finally, it stopped. Wait. No, it didn’t. It went on. “But today, I trust that people around the country that are looking on at this extraordinary public and private partnership to address the issue of testing with particular inspiration. After you tapped me to lead the White House Corona Taskforce, Mr. President, you said this is all hands on deck and you directed us to immediately reach out to the American business sector, commercial labs to meet what we knew then would be the need for testing across the spectrum. And today, with this historic public- private partnership, we have laid the foundation to meet that need. For Americans looking on, by this Sunday evening, we’ll be able to give specific guidance on when the website will be available.”

Thank God that’s over because he finally came up for air and…nope…“But it’s all a result of you tasking us with bringing together not just government resources, which all state labs can now test across the country. CDC is testing. But you said, Mr. President, that we wanted to bring all the resources of the country together and that’s what this partnership really means. Truth is that we have coronavirus cases now in 46 American states and while the risk of serious illness of the coronavirus remains low, we want to encourage every American to practice common sense, practice good hygiene, go to the CDC’s website to see what the guidance is for your community, or for the American people broadly. And as the President has said, it’s especially important now that we look after senior citizens with chronic underlying health conditions.”

It’s like the shark in Jaws. It’s coming back around! “Last week the President directed the Center for Medicaid and Medicare Services to raise the standards in our…” Oh, for fuck’s sake. You get the idea. Mike Pence kisses a lot of ass. It might possibly be the one area where Trump doesn’t have enough ass.

I know Mike Pence has heard the criticism, jokes, and mocking of his ass-kissing, but has he seen and heard himself? Does he not have a problem with the entire world seeing him as a man without dignity? What do his wife and daughter think of this slavish worship? What does Marlon Bundo think? They probably know ass-kissing is second nature to Pence and he’s incapable of saying something nice about someone without putting his mouth on them. He even kissed the cruise line industry’s ass yesterday when he said, “as the President said, the American people cherish our cruise line industry” We do? But look at the skill in ass-kissing Pence displays there. He managed to kiss Donald Trump’s ass while his mouth was on a trajectory to kiss the cruise line industry’s ass. And he did it in one sentence. He should really teach a class. Kellyanne, on one knee will suffice. Willy, more pucker!

His ass-kissing needs play-by-play commentary: It looks like he’s going in to kiss the ass of the cruise line industry, Griff, but will he be able to squeeze in a smooch to the presidential derriere on the way? I don’t think so, Tom as it’s a longshot for even….WHOA, did you see that move? He did a spin around the cruise line industry, got a mouthful of the orange ass with a full reacharound before planting a big wet one on the love boat. It’s an ass-kissing hat trick! Once again, school the ass-kissing competition. Lindsey Graham just threw in the towel. Oh, I think Lindsey will be back to suck up again, Tom. Did you see the way he trampled over Devin Nunes?

Does Mike Pence hear the jokes and criticism? When Elizabeth Warren was asked about having her own Mike Pence, she said that she already has a dog. Does Mike Pence know he’s the dog? Does he know dogs don’t even want to be associated with him? It’s probably why he has a bunny (who probably doesn’t know he’s Mike Pence’s rabbit). No dog wanted to be Mike Pence’s dog. They’d rather be in one of those sad homeless skinny dog commercials with Sarah MacLachlan music playing over it.

I wonder how Mike Pence survived as a governor. He was the boss. Who did he suck up to? Jesus? I can’t imagine how Pence ever survived without being a sycophantic follower, because he wasn’t born to lead. He was born to suck up, toady, and kiss ass. Did anyone kiss Pence’s ass? If so, how much of a lowlife is that person? Has anyone ever looked at Mike Pence the way Mike Pence looks at Donald Trump? I often wonder how low you have to sink and degrade yourself to worship Donald Trump, but what kind of soul-less human worships Mike Pence (other than Indiana religious fundamentalist political cartoonist Gary Varvel)?

The biggest thing about Mike Pence kissing Donald Trump’s ass for his handling of the Coronavirus outbreak is that Donald Trump has been a total and utter failure. He’s proven American wrong in making him president. He’s the wrong man for the job and ill-equipped to do anything beyond taking care of himself. The first priority of the Trump administration has been and always will be to take care of Donald Trump. So, when Mike Pence first came on board, was he told by someone it’s mandatory to kiss Trump’s ass or did he just take it upon himself?

Some people don’t suffer fools and don’t tolerate ass-kissing, even when it’s their ass receiving the kisses. Shortly after I was hired by the Honolulu Star-Bulletin, I once gave my editor a legitimate compliment on a column she wrote. She said, “Stop kissing my ass. You got the job.” I figured she was half-joking so I said, “OK. The column sucked.”

But other people reward fools. Shortly after arriving in Fredericksburg at The Free Lance-Star, my editor invited me, my then-wife, and the assistant editorial page editor over for dinner. At one point, my editor said it was our job to make the publisher happy. The assistant editor said, “I consider it my job to make….you happy.” On the way home, my wife, who is one of the most observant and intuitive people I’ve ever known, mentioned the extent of the sucking up by the assistant editor, focusing on that quote. “Damn, Jim’s ass-kissing totally ruined my appetite. How are you able to work with such groveling lickspittles?” I had been surrounded by it for a few weeks so I wasn’t even noticing it anymore but after her comment, I couldn’t unsee it ever again.

My editor at The Free Lance-Star just so happened to love having his ass kissed. Hell, he was an ass-kisser himself. He’d even kiss my ass which I always found strange since he was my boss. You’re supposed to suck up, not suck down. He also screamed at me too, quite often, so it was very much like Jekyll and Hyde. If he kissed my ass one day, I expected to be screamed at the next. But funny thing, his biggest ass kisser, who now works at a right-wing fuck-nut think tank, who proudly claimed without any shame that it was his job to make our editor happy, was constantly “motherfucker this” and “motherfucker that” when the editor wasn’t around. How much do you want to bet Mike Pence is the same?

Here’s the thing about ass-kissers. They don’t really like that ass. They’re not loyal. They’re only kissing your ass because they think it’s how they advance to the point of having their ass kissed, or even merely to survive. They don’t have faith in their skills and abilities to do the jobs they were hired for. While they obliviously don’t have any respect for themselves, they especially don’t have any for the ass they’re kissing. Oftentimes, it’s rewarded. Other times, they’re given the treatment they deserve.

Donald Trump is not loyal. We’ve never seen an American president feud with so many former staffers, each previously described as “the best hires,” as Trump has. Jeff Sessions illustrates two points here perfectly. He’s an ass kisser. He was the first Senator to kiss Trump’s ass in endorsing him. He wore a MAGA hat at that rally in Mobile. Eventually, Sessions was fired for doing his job. Today, Sessions is in a runoff for his old Senate seat and he’s still kissing Donald Trump’s ass. And Donald Trump…wait for it…has endorsed his opponent. In case you’re an ass-kissing Republican, let me point out the two points of this: Kissing Donald Trump’s ass didn’t pay off for Sessions and Donald Trump does not return loyalty.

So, you can bet your own ass that if Trump sees a change in the landscape for his reelection and believes he needs a stronger candidate as veep to secure his reelection, Pence is gone. I’m waiting to see what Trump does after Joe Biden picks a woman as his running mate. Biden will pick a woman. Will Trump react by dumping Mike Pence for Nikki Haley? Nikki’s done her own share of kissing Trump’s ass. How will Pence act in the future?

Funny thing, all these ass-kissers initially wanted someone other than Trump. Mike Pence endorsed Ted Cruz (and the guy kissed Cruz’s ass?) Nikki Haley endorsed Marco Rubio. I know average, ordinary, everyday Americans who opposed Donald Trump who now worship the guy. What did Trump change? Nothing. They changed. They gave up their dignity.

You can be nice, cordial, and complimentary of someone without giving up your dignity and being a servile ass-kisser. But that’s impossible if you don’t have confidence or belief in yourself…or any dignity or self-respect to begin with. And to kiss the ass of a racist, grifting conman with worms for brains requires a total lack of dignity and self-respect.

Mike Pence doesn’t have dignity or self-respect. He will always be an ass man but he won’t always be a Trump ass man. Down the line, he’s going to be critical of Trump and try to remove all guilt and blame from himself for today’s disaster, especially after Donald Trump throws his ass under a bus. But during that time in the future, he’ll have a new ass to kiss which will be at some right-wing college or think tank because he’ll have used up all his credits for public service by then.

Mike Pence is an ass-kisser. Don’t be like Mike Pence. Stay away from the ass, especially the great big orange ones.

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