Republican

When You’re Ba-a-a-a-ad At Your Job


cjones03282017

Say what you will about Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, but she knows how to do her job. The Democratic Party worked on the bill for the Affordable Care Act for over a year. When it came time to vote it passed without one Republican House member’s support. Pelosi, Speaker of the House at the time, herded enough Democrats to pass the bill without any single Republican vote.

Paul Ryan is not good at his job.

As Speaker of the House Ryan shoved a huge tax cut bill for the rich disguised as a healthcare law through the House in two weeks. Despite having the kind of majority where he could pass the bill without any Democrats, he still failed.

He couldn’t convince moderate Republicans to strip health coverage from over 20 million Americans. He couldn’t make the bill mean enough to convince his most rabid heartless members, the so-called “Freedom Caucus.” Not one Democrat supported the bill so naturally Trump blamed the bill’s failure on Democrats. Then he blamed the Freedom Caucus. Tomorrow he’ll probably blame Obama.

Ryan, previously regarded as a policy wonkish king of guy, didn’t seem to understand the finer aspects of the bill while he campaigned for it. Donald Trump seemed to understand it even less. The biggest reason they could give for supporting it was that it wasn’t Obamacare. Unfortunately for them, RyanCare, or TrumpCare, only had 17% support from the public. While Obamacare has its critics and flaws, it’s polling a hell of a lot higher than 17%.

Paul Ryan pulled the bill to avoid suffering an embarrassing defeat. Their plan now is to dismantle Obamacare piece by piece to prove to the public it’s not a good system, even if it takes them having to throw monkey wrenches into it. The public doesn’t want that. The public wants Obamacare improved, especially in regards with single-payer.

Some people argued that the Republicans wouldn’t allow a bad bill to pass, unlike the Democrats did with Obamacare. No. what the Republicans proved is that they’ve spent the past eight years being the party of “no” without any real plans of their own. They spent seven years telling us how bad Obamacare is. They voted repeatedly to repeal the law. Now that they have the power to repeal it and replace it with what Trump promised, “something better,” they failed to come through.

The party of No doesn’t know how to lead. It’s not debatable that they ever had a workable plan to replace Obamacare. On top of all that, Trump and Ryan has a party that’s not afraid of them.

Paul Ryan is a shepherd whose about to be eaten by his flock. How much do you want to bet Trump feeds him to the flock to save his own skin?

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Cheeto Decontamination Unit


cjones10122016

Do you eat Cheetos? Well, probably a lot less over the past year than you used to. Suddenly, I’ve lost any desire for them. But I have eaten more than my share of Cheetos in my life. The one thing you learn is that they’re messy.

You get that processed Cheeto cheese dust on your fingers. It’s not a light dusting. It’s caked on. You can’t multitask while eating them as you’ll get that gunk on your keyboard, phone, children, pets, other peoples’ hands, your drawing paper, etc. You can’t just lick it off either. Even a Beagle can’t successfully lick it all off your fingers (I’ve tried this). It takes some scrubbing, preferably with soap. Think a small bag of Cheetos is gunky? Imagine you just rolled around with a 236 lb. Cheeto.

Paul Ryan needs a Cheeto Decontamination Unit to clean him of the funk he embraced not so long ago.

After Trump won the Republican nomination Speaker of the House Paul Ryan refused to endorse him and said “he wasn’t there yet.” Then he got there. Then Trump’s “locker-room-talk” tape came out and Ryan wondered why he ever went there. If Republicans weren’t aware of who and what Donald Trump is then they’re not the people we want running the country. These guys are predicting Iran will break the nuclear agreement but they lacked the foresight to see that a tape would be released of Donald Trump boasting about “grabbing p***y.”

Ryan called a meeting of House Republicans and said they need to do whatever they need to save their seats (literally and figuratively). This means the national party will be pulling much of their funding away from Trump to focus on down-ballot elections, such as congressional seats, senators, and governors. This has upset Tycoon Cheeto. While Trump Cheetos is crack to some others have developed an allergy. Some Republicans are in seats and states where it won’t hurt them by being aligned with Trump. Others, like Senators Pat Toomey in Pennsylvania hasn’t endorsed Trump and John McCain in Arizona is “unendorsing” him. In fact, 87 out of 331 Republican governors, senators, and congressional representatives are not endorsing Trump.

Yesterday Trump went into another Twitter tirade but this time the aim of his vitriol wasn’t Mexicans, Elizabeth Warren, pageant queens, or Rosie O’Donnell. It was his fellow Republicans. He said they’re not as loyal as Democrats. He doesn’t need them. John McCain was groveling for his help in his Senate primary. Speaker Ryan is weak and ineffective, and now without their help he’s “unshackled.”

He’s “unshackled?” You mean to tell me all this time he’s been inhibited? He’s been holding back? He’s restrained himself? What the hell does Trump, the guy threatening to throw his opponent in jail, consider “unshackled?” Is he going to drop an N-bomb? Refer to Hillary as the C-word? Talk about the size of her butt? Promise to outlaw tacos?

Speaker Ryan hasn’t unendorsed Trump. He wants it both ways. He doesn’t want to be seen with the guy while also not disavowing him. This is the same practice, attitude, and irresponsibility that gave them the likes of Donald Trump and how they have a second layer of orange Cheeto dust stuck to themselves.

They should have condemned the guy in 2009 when he started his birther campaign, yet the cowards that they are, they didn’t want to anger the racist base of their party. Instead they chose to milk it for all it was worth and screamed with them about “taking our country back” from the black guy who stole it from them. Now they’ll not only lose an opportunity to take the White House, but they’ll lose the Senate, and they’re in danger of losing control of the House.

I told you, that Cheeto funk really sticks.

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Trump’s Little Pony


cjones07232016

Trump strategist and noted idiot Sean Spicer went on CNN and MSNBC to defend Melania’s plagiarism by saying some content of her speech is similar to “My Little Pony.” Plagiarism is magic! After spending a day and a half denying any similarities between Melania’s and Michelle Obama’s speeches, and blaming Hillary Clinton (yes….blaming Hillary Clinton), the Trump campaign offered a head on a platter.

Meredith McIver (not “MacGyver”), the writer of the tainted speech, said Melania admires Michelle Obama and quoted parts of her speech to McIver over the phone. McIver, who claims she never looked at Obama’s speech, said that she took notes and included them in the speech. I gotta say, she takes very good notes since she got it word for word. Also, since Melania was such a big admirer of Michelle Obama (which is uncomfortable for Republicans), and read those lines to the writer, why didn’t she recognize them when she read them later in her speech? If I tell you I love Nirvana and you come back with a speech that includes “a mulatto, an albino
a mosquito, my libido,” I’m gonna notice some similarities.

I suppose we’re now required to forget that Melania took total credit for her speech beforehand. But then again, this very intelligent self-made woman who married a billionaire has it in her bio that she graduated from college, when she’s in fact a drop out. Nothing wrong with that. I’m a college dropout but I don’t lie about degrees I don’t have on resumes.

Republicans state she’s not stupid because she’s fluent in five languages. Really? Have you heard Melania speak five languages? I know what “hasta la vista” and “por favor” mean, but that doesn’t make me fluent in Spanish.

So far at this convention we’ve had a pastor describe Democrats as the enemy, a speaker who’s a member of American Muslims For Trump (and he’s probably the only member), speakers yelling for prison time for Hillary, Ben Carson accusing Hillary of having a devil worshiper as her hero, Congressman Steve King saying white people have contributed more to civilization than any other race, and a Trump adviser saying Hillary Clinton should be shot.

Republicans are selling merchandise at the convention calling Clinton a “bitch,” and mentioning her body parts. You had Chachi tweeting out a very vulgar comment about Clinton.

Only 18 of the 4,472 delegates are black. They’ve had more minority speakers than minorities in the audience. It’s really hard to engage in minority outreach while being the biggest bag of dicks in American history.

On top of all this, Laura Ingraham finished off her speech with a Heil Hitler salute. I’m still waiting for that one to be explained.

There’s been a lot of themes for this convention, but it’s been entirely based upon hate, vitriol, and vengeance.

This convention has been a total dumpster fire. I’m loving it!

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Melania’s Plagiarism


cjones07222016

I’m always interested in the speakers at the conventions, but more so with the GOP’s this year, as they’ve had a very difficult time getting anyone of any significance willing to speak at this dumpster fire. Half the roster is made up of Trump kids.

Rudy Giuliani did fine shouting from the podium. He riled everyone up. Three of the speakers said Hillary Clinton should be in prison. The opening pastor referred to Democrats as the enemy. Joni Ernst did fine if she’s a robot grandma. Then there was Melania Trump, Donald’s trophy wife.

Being the super model stepford immigrant wife that she is, I didn’t expect much. Not that she should be regarded as stupid, but she’s not a person who has ever accomplished anything other than marrying rich. She’s never been noted for intelligence. So I had low expectations.

First, Donald came out to introduce his fancy cardboard cutout to a Queen song. Leave it to the GOP to bash gays and then rip a song written by Freddy Mercury.

I was surprised. I thought she did fine. I mean, other than being Donald’s third wife while talking about how loyal he is. She also mentioned being with Donald for 18 years, though he divorced his last wife in 1999. You do the math. Then she talked about how hard work gets you where you are. Now I’d point out that she married into richness, but considering what she has to sleep with for that, let’s cut her some slack there.

But it turns out the rest of her idea of hard work is stealing parts of her speech from Michelle Obama’s speech at the 2008 convention. Now that’s a problem.

Republicans are bashing the Obama’s. They’ve been doing so for the past eight years. So to steal from “the enemy” is outrageous. Did Republicans like her speech? If so, that means they like what Michelle Obama has to say. This spittle’s going to turn slow.

We can blame the speech writer, except Melania gave an interview on NBC saying she wrote the speech herself with little help. But we know that’s not true (would a Trump lie?).

We could just cut her some slack and let the issue go away because Republicans have NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER criticized and piled on a First Lady….ever, ever, ever.

Immediately we look to blame a speech writer and wait for a head to come rolling down the steps of Trump Tower. But if Hillary Clinton did this in 1992 they would have accused of her killing the person she stole it from. If Michelle Obama did this in 2008 they would have lynched her. They already think her encouragement to children to eat more vegtables is some sort of new world order of Muslim socialism.

There’s trouble with this campaign. They can’t create a logo without an impression of jail rape. They can’t get anyone to speak. They can’t organize a convention. And apparently, they can’t write speeches without stealing them from Democrats.

The right thing to do would be for the speech writer to come forward, plea for mercy and resign. So naturally the Trump campaign denies anything was stolen and it’s all Hillary Clinton’s fault. Really. They did that. Since Donald Trump is a pathological liar he probably really believes his wife wrote the entire thing herself. Is pathological contagious?

I’m sure the Trump campaign spent all of Tuesday scrubbing and rewriting the rest of the Trump clan’s speeches. That’s too bad because I’d enjoy hearing Ivanka do “I’m all about that bass, about that bass, no treble.”

And yes. Part of Melania’s speech did “Rick Roll” the GOP convention.

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Make America Fear Again


cjones07212016

I’m going to be drawing a LOT of cartoons this week. Maybe I’ll take a day off in August or September…or after the election.

When I was a kid and up to being a young adult, I always thought political parties had the same goal of wanting what’s best for our country while disagreeing about the best ways to do it. They’d go so far as to call the other side extreme or out of touch.

Today they label each other as enemies. It’s not just the Republicans but to be fair to the Democrats, they’ve had eight years of blind rage, lies, and racism directed toward President Obama (birthers, questioning his religion, gazillion dollar tax payer funded vacations, etc), and countless investigations to destroy Hillary Clinton.

Today the Republican nominee for president says there’s something going on with the current president regarding violence toward police and terrorism. He’s accused Obama of being born in Kenya. He calls his opponent a liar and a crook.

The theme for the first night of the Republican convention was “Make America Safe Again.” It was more like making America paranoid. They went beyond describing the nation as currently unsafe, and that the president has failed, doesn’t understand, and their opponent is dangerous. They accused Hillary Clinton of murder and said she belongs in prison.

So yeah. I’m going to be drawing a lot of cartoons this week.

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Republican Balls


cjones07202016

You can’t bring tennis balls to the Republican convention in Cleveland. You also can’t bring laser pointers, coolers, selfie sticks (that one I support), water cannons, axes, cestuses (Google that), and fireworks. There are 72 items banned from the convention. Guns is not one of them.

The Cleveland police asked the governor to suspend open carry laws, because they apparently don’t believe in that “good guy with a gun” narrative nonsense. Governor John Kasich said no.

I’m watching the convention as I watch this and the theme is “Make America Safe Again.” It’s coming off more as “Make American Paranoid.” They’re talking about death and stoking fears and spreading conspiracy theories. And Republicans wonder how a Donald Trump could become their nominee.

It sounds like a brilliant idea to make everyone paranoid, fearful, and angry in a gun zone.

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Losing With Grace


cjones04072016

Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders won their respective primaries in Wisconsin. They each won by healthy margins. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump both responded to their losses. Not sure if John Kasich made a statement but he’s not important anymore anyway, so nobody cares.

Clinton sent out a statement congratulating Sanders while still touting her lead. Candidates do that. They keep hope alive with their supporters.

Donald Trump issued a statement also. His was less than cordial. His read:

Donald J. Trump withstood the onslaught of the establishment yet again. “Lyin’ Ted Cruz had the Governor of Wisconsin, many conservative talk radio show hosts, and the entire party apparatus behind him. Not only was he propelled by the anti-Trump Super PAC’s spending countless millions of dollars on false advertising against Mr. Trump, but he was coordinating with his own Super PAC’s (which is illegal) who totally control him. Ted Cruz is worse than a puppet— he is a Trojan horse, being used by the party bosses attempting to steal the nomination away from Mr. Trump. We have total confidence that Mr. Trump will go on to win in New York, where he holds a substantial lead in all the polls, and beyond.”

Yes, I’m surprised as you. Trump knows the big word “apparatus.” 

There’s many things wrong with his statement. First he starts by bragging about himself. Then he goes into “Lyin’ Ted.” Classy. Then he accuses the guy of violating election laws before he goes back to calling him a name again, trojan horse. But you know what? He’s not entirely wrong.

The establishment is backing Cruz, the candidate who once billed himself as anti establishment. Of course, he also insulted all of New York and he’s now in that state groveling for votes and trying to sell that his “New York Values” comment meant something other than an attack on all New Yorkers (or Jews).

The establishment, talk radio guys, and the entire party’s “apparatus” are backing Cruz and trying to prevent Trump from acquiring the number of delegates he needs to secure the nomination. They don’t care if Cruz gets the delegates needed (and they probably don’t want him to either. They’re pretty confidant he can’t). The mission is to stop Trump and that’s it. When the convention rolls around they will toss Cruz aside. Ted Cruz does not know this yet as the man is not humble and is oblivious to obvious things.

I don’t expect Trump, Cruz, or even Kasich (snicker) to be the Republican nominee. They will recruit Paul Ryan, who insists he doesn’t want it like he insisted he didn’t want to be Speaker of the House.

That may not come true but I have another prediction where I’m very confidant: The next two weeks with the candidates battling in New York, the center of the media universe, is going to be a total blast for me. I wish I was there.

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Republican Loyalty


cjones04012016

I hate to use a cliche but a Republican loyalty pledge isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. For the love of God, this loyalty pledge was the very first question at the very first Republican debate. Now they’re all breaking it?

The GOP has been freaking out and in full-rage panic mode for the past few months. They are extremely afraid Donald Trump will be their nominee and not just lose the presidency, but lose the Senate and House in the process.

For months Ted Cruz has been running as an anti-establishment candidate. Today the establishment is coalescing around him and you don’t hear Ted bash the establishment anymore. The establishment is so fearful of Trump that their hero is Ted Cruz.

I don’t think they’re looking beyond the poll numbers of Trump versus Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders. Yes, the GOP stands to lose big with a Trump nomination but they could be in the same nasty chunky brown water with Cruz.

Nobody likes Cruz except for extremely scary people. The people who are scarier than those falling for Cruz as a last resort are those who loved the guy at the start of the race. When Cruz is in a race one-on-one with one of the Democrats his record and stance on the issues will have a brighter spotlight and nobody sane is going to like it.

This brings us to the Loyalty Pledge. At the beginning of the race the GOP was afraid of the possibility of Trump running an independent campaign in the general election if he didn’t win the nomination. So they came up with the Loyalty Pledge which each candidate signed swearing they would support the eventual nominee. Of course none of these freaks expected that nominee to be Super Freak. They expected him to implode at any time and yeah, we all did. He hasn’t.

It’s not just the current candidates who sucks at a promise. Many of those who dropped out threaten they won’t support Trump (except for Christie and Carson). All this after making a big deal about how Trump wouldn’t keep his word.

Trump can’t be counted on keeping his word but let’s throw him out of the mix since he’s a maniac and a pathological liar. Trump has promised, broken the promise, came back to re promise, then broke it and I’ve lose count. Look at the other two candidates.

John Kasich and Ted Cruz signed the thing. Kasich is saying he can’t support Trump and he’s probably not that crazy about supporting Cruz. Ted Cruz says he can’t support Trump, a man who has insulted his wife.

I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to support Donald Trump. I blame them for breaking their word. Ted Cruz was in love with Donald Trump. He was Trump’s remora, clinging to the side of his campaign and swimming in his wake to eat up his sloppy leftovers. The man couldn’t say enough nice things about Trump. Now he doesn’t like him. What changed? Did Trump just suddenly become a crazy, offensive human being last week? No. This isn’t new. Ted Cruz being a sleazy lying opportunistic piece of crap isn’t new either.

These guys like to talk about how Hillary lies. She is not the most honest candidate and frankly I’m not looking forward to a scandal plagued Clinton administration (real scandals with cabinet members having affairs, dallying with prostitutes, and hiring illegals from Ecuador. Not those fake Obama scandals Republicans create. The Clintons surround themselves with very shady people like Dick Morris). What would be supremely worse would be a Cruz, Trump or Kasich administration where they can’t keep any promise, except for those that destroy the nation like putting a Bork on the Court. It won’t matter if they swear on the Bible when they take their oath. I promise they will destroy the country.

I’m looking forward to the brokered convention when this pledge comes into play. Trump may not be the nominee as his party can change the rules, thus voiding out all the primary results. They’re in love with Cruz right now to keep Trump from getting enough delegates. Watch these traitors turn on Cruz at the convention and nominate someone who can wage a campaign and stop the bleeding against the Democrats.  The GOP may have secretly given up on the White House in 2016 and be fighting to keep Congress.

What’s the point of a loyalty pledge if you don’t have to keep it? What’s the point of believing in any of their promises if they can’t keep the most simple one? What is the point of giving us candidates you can’t believe in? I repeat, this was their very first promise at the very first debate. If you can’t keep your first promise you can’t be counted on to keep any.

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Over At The Frankenstein Place


cjones03282016

I’m gonna let you in on a little secret if you promise it won’t freak you out. You have already shared a public restroom with a transgender person. Oh no! Do you want to know why they were in there? They probably had to use the restroom. Freaks, I know. We should pass more laws.

That’s exactly what the mouth-breathing troglodytes did in North Carolina. Their largest city, Charlotte, passed some anti-discrimination laws and the GOP majority legislature along with their Republican governor freaked out. They passed a law forbidding municipalities from being tolerant.

Part of that law says people have to use the public restrooms where the sign coordinates with the gender written on their birth certificate. So basically the government is enacting more wee wee and hoo ha legislation.

My city is pretty gay friendly. We don’t have gay bars. We have gay friendly bars. People really don’t care though we are surrounded by counties that are totally red. There are occasional drag shows here and afterward the performers go bar hopping. I was playing pool one night in a dive bar (you know which one if you’re from Fredericksburg) and one of the performers was still in drag and using the urinal. Guys cleared out of that restroom as if he had ebola. To me, he wasn’t any different or threatening than any other guy in there. He just so happened to be a guy in a mini skirt and fishnet stockings. He couldn’t play pool worth a damn though.

I’m dedicating this cartoon to my ex wife, Chelle. We had a lot of shared interests, loves, inside jokes and movies we would quote. Rocky Horror Picture Show was one of them. Though I had seen the movies years before I met her and even participated in the rice throwing and such at the theater, she really made me appreciate the movie…after making me watch it a thousand times.

I realize Doctor Frankenfurter is not transgender. He is in fact a “sweet transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.”

Chelle, this is “one from the vaults.”

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W’s Bigger Little Brother


cjones02172016

When George W. Bush strode across that flight deck 30 miles off the San Diego coast, wearing a flight suit and boasting “mission accomplished,” it might have been the most obnoxious photo op in political history.

Now Republicans are arguing over how W. kept us safe, and did a good job fighting back after terrorists killed thousands of us. I don’t understand how you talk so much about a terrorist attack which killed thousands of Americans in the same context as “keeping us safe.” After 9/11 Bush destabilized the Middle East, created myths to start a war which killed over a hundred thousand people, killed and injured thousands of Americans and oh yeah…created ISIS. But hey, he kept us safe. And Republicans in South Carolina boo when you bring this up. How dare you talk about facts. How dare your party be so ridiculous that the only one of you who can be somewhat honest about it is Donald Freaking Trump.

The Republicans love to talk about who’s qualified for president. If you think George W. Bush did a good job regarding 9/11 and Iraq then you are not qualified to be president.

Now W. is back trying to help Jeb’s campaign in South Carolina, where he’s currently running fourth. What’s scary is that W. sounds like the smart one.

I watched his speech the other day and it reminded me of the time during his administration when if you questioned him, then your patriotism was questioned. If you weren’t with us you were against us. It was a time that intellect, sophistication, and critical thinking was regarded as a weakness. Mediocrity, stupidity and empty boastful rhetoric was hailed and praised as leadership. Oh, that’s right. We’re still doing that.

Yes, W. was the smart one. Looking at the entire field of Republican candidates, he’s still the smart one. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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