Republican Primary

Carly FoisTED


Didn’t Ted Cruz lose FIVE primaries Tuesday night? So why in the blue blazes of Hell is he picking a running mate? He referred to her as his “nominee.” I’m not sure she can be a nominee until he’s a nominee. But hey, I’m looking for logic where there isn’t any.

Cruz announcing his veep selection is like bringing office decorations to your job interview. If he loses Indiana next week is he going to start appointing ambassadors?

So why is Ted Cruz announcing a running mate now, before he has the nomination? Probably because he has very little chance of winning the nomination. Maybe this will get more votes. He also wants to talk about something else besides getting his ass kicked Tuesday. He doesn’t want anyone to be reminded that Trump won over 50% of Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Delaware, and Connecticut, a feat Cruz has been boasting Trump could not accomplish in any state. Trump carried every single county in Pennsylvania, a very diverse state. Maybe Ted needs someone on his ticket who’s more delusional, less successful, less ethical, and a bigger liar than he is. After she sang during her speech he might have picked someone creepier. OK, he didn’t..but close.

Maybe he wanted a pretty face. Uhh…..yeah. I shouldn’t go there. Ted went there. He reminded us several times while announcing Carly that a lot of people don’t think she’s attractive.

Ted says we need to select a leader with good judgement. He picked Carly Fiorina. He says A people pick A people and B people pick C people. Ted showed us what a F person chooses.

Carly is more delusional than Ted to accept this offer. Most people won’t accept his phone calls. Ted picked a person who doesn’t have any great accomplishments. She ran a company into the ground, dropped their stock, and fired a massive amount of people. Let’s not forget her highly unsuccessful run for the U.S. Senate in California. As Trump points out, you don’t see her getting any job offers. That is, except from Ted Cruz, and this one doesn’t pay.

Even if this was to be taken seriously, Fiorina does not balance the ticket. She has zero foreign policy experience. No legislative experience. Her hardcore conservatism is a mirror image to Cruz. They both enjoy lying about Planned Parenthood. She’s Cruz without the penis, we think. She can’t even deliver California, where she doesn’t live anymore. Cruz may have tried to pick someone who wouldn’t overshadow him with charisma.

I only have one question for anyone who supports this ticket: Why do you hate America?

Cruz and Fiorina are ugly and disgusting. I’m talking about their personalities, policies, and what they intend to do to this country. So yeah, I made fun of their physical features to express that.

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The Woman Card


Despite rarely using a teleprompter Donald Trump usually sticks to an unvaried script which is full of lies. Mexicans, wall, Lyin’ Ted, make America great again, huge, blah, blah, blah. Even with the same routine you never know what Trump’s going to pull out next. He was on a roll Monday calling Cruz a “pain in the ass” and insulting Kasich for the style in which he chooses to eat pancakes. I was in hysterics.

During his victory speech Tuesday night he said the only reason Hillary Clinton was doing so well is because she’s a woman and that she plays the woman card. I would totally put my money on that woman kicking Trump’s ass, figuratively and literally. She’s a lot tougher than Trump. Let’s see Donald sit through twelve hours of b.s. questions from a partisan senate panel. With that in mind it’s really bizarre that Trump says Clinton won’t make a good president because she doesn’t have “the strength and stamina.”

Trump also states that he’s doing great with women and he’ll get their vote, and women don’t like Clinton. That’s a bigger lie than Trump Steaks. This guy also believes he’ll win New York. Dude, you didn’t win Manhattan, where you live. You lost your neighborhood to John Kasich, you know him. Mr. One in 41.

I wonder if there’s an alternate universe where there is a normal Trump and we got stuck with the Bizarro version.

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A Republican Crying Game


There’s a lot of skin-crawling icky things out there you don’t want to touch. Slugs, boogers, backwash, shoulder hair, Kardashians, Ted Cruz.

Nobody likes Ted Cruz. People who went to college with Ted didn’t like him. Bob Dole, Lindsey Graham, John McCain, John Boehner, Peter King, George W. Bush, any normal sensible person in general, pretty much hates Ted. And these are people on his side.

When he worked on George W. Bush’s campaign, if they wanted a meeting to end early they’d make sure to invite Ted. People couldn’t get out of the room fast enough, if they actually attended at all.

Cruz, whose features have been noted are similar to Grandpa Munster and Mr. Haney from Green Acres, even has a neurologists studying his face to determine just why it’s so creepy and off putting and makes children and small animals cry. There’s also two viral campaigns accusing him of being the Zodiac Killer and a member of the 80’s Christian metal band, Stryper. Apparently the lead singer of Stryper is pretty distraught over this.

Lindsey Graham said if you murdered Ted Cruz and your trial was before the United States Senate, you’d get off. Now Lindsey Graham is endorsing Ted Cruz for president because he’s that afraid of a Donald Trump presidency.

Mitt Romney has kinda sorta endorsed Cruz by stating he’ll vote for him in the Utah primary. What the Hell is Mittens doing living in Utah? He was governor of Massachusetts. I digress. Romney is not overly excited about voting for Ted Cruz. I’m sure he’ll take a shower with a brillo pad after voting.

Donald Trump doesn’t advocate any policies Ted Cruz disagrees with. The GOP establishment is scared of Trump’s style, which is mostly racist, insulting and calls for violence.

A Cruz presidency is actually scarier than a Trump reign of stupid. Ted’s father and wife believe he was sent by God to save America. Ted believes our rights were granted by God, not the Constitution. He was recently endorsed by a pastor who says God sent Hitler to kill the Jews. That’s actually worse than being endorsed by David Duke. Yet, it’s an endorsement Cruz embraces because he’s creepy.

Republicans will be crying in the shower by fighting for Ted Cruz in their “Stop Trump” campaign. Talk about making a pact with the devil…or a devil who thinks he was sent by God. Republicans are giving up on the presidency this time…and trying to save the Senate and House.

The real scary thing in this entire absurd situation is that the Republican establishment has to choose between a billionaire’s massive and expensive ego trip, and McCarthyism. They’re choosing McCarythism.

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The Incredible Shrinking Rubio


You’re not going to get much of a column today. I have a tiny cold and it’s really hard to care about much when you feel like giant rat turds. At one point I actually drooled on the drawing paper for this cartoon. As bad as I feel I’m sure Marco Rubio feels worse.

Marco had a bad night. Correction: Marco had ANOTHER bad night. The only primaries he’s won has been Minnesota and Puerto Rico. He didn’t just lose on Tuesday night. He lost big. There were four states holding Republican primaries which included Michigan, Idaho, Hawaii and Mississippi (where my career started) where Rubio was coming in fifth behind Ben Carson. FIFTH BEHIND BEN CARSON who’s not even in the race anymore. Rubio came in fourth in Michigan and Mississippi. At this writing Hawaii’s returns haven’t come in yet, but you really don’t want to be clinging all your hopes on Hawaii (where my career went after Mississippi).

Next Tuesday the race goes to Ohio and Florida. Rubio should be fighting for Ohio since he’s been endorsed by almost every establishment figure in the party. Instead he’s fighting desperately for his home state of Florida. That tells us a lot about his tenure as Florida’s senator since the voters of that state aren’t impressed enough by his service to give him more votes than Donald Trump. If Florida, who knows him, doesn’t want him then why should the rest of the country? Quite frankly, can anyone name an accomplishment of Rubio’s…other than finding great deals on heels?

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Your Mama


Donald Trump’s penchant for being vulgar and slinging very uncreative personal insults is one of the reasons many believe he isn’t presidential. To take him down Marco Rubio has decided he too does not have to present himself in a presidential manner.

After saying he didn’t want to attack his fellow Republican candidates Rubio has made fun of Trump’s “spray tan,” his spelling, for wearing makeup, for having a “sweat mustache” and insinuated that Donald Trump wet his pants and has a small penis.

Two questions regarding Rubio’s new tactic are: Is it too late for him to take Trump down, and is this diminishing Rubio? Yes and yes.

Do we want a comedian as president? Minnesota elected one to the U.S. Senate. Presidents can tell jokes and Obama has displayed a natural skill at comedic delivery. Rubio, not so much. While Rubio and Obama probably aren’t writing their material, I don’t think anyone in the world wants to take credit for Trump’s set list. Though making fun of the handicapped goes over really well with the Trump crowd.

While Trump isn’t intentionally funny, he’s very entertaining. Entertaining much the same way a train wreck can entertain. Especially if that train is full of Republicans.

And the mama joke in this cartoon: I can’t take credit for it. I found it on the internet on a mama joke site. Most of the jokes weren’t suitable for family newspapers.

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Poorly Educated


The Republican party has been cultivating a base of poorly informed supporters for years. It increased drastically after Obama was elected president. This is the party that gave rise to the Tea Party, the slogan “I want my country back,” and birtherism. Republicans dumbed down and appealed to stupid, hateful people.

Along comes Donald Trump who says stupid things stupid people want to hear. He says we’ll build a wall and make Mexico pay for it. We’ll get rid of Obamacare and replace it with something better. We’ll tag Muslims and not let anymore enter the country. Mexico is sending us rapists and murderers. Make America Great again. Ted Cruz is a pussy. OK, that last one may not be so stupid, but I digress.

Trump has not been specific about any of his plans, yet his supporters love him and he’s killing his GOP rivals. Even the hateful, rhetorical Ted Cruz is on his last leg as a presidential candidate and Marco Rubio is in serious danger of losing his home state of Florida to Trump.

People support him because he’s “so honest.” How is he honest? He’ll support our vets. OK, how will he support our vets? How will he convince Mexico to pay for a wall? How much is this wall? What does “make American great again” even mean? Great compared to what? Segregation? White only lunch counters? Maybe he just wants to bring back Full House and 8-track tapes.

Some of his supporters say they don’t believe he’ll attempt to do the crazy stuff he says, but he’ll do a good job in the stuff they want done, like “make America great again.” They love that he’s not “politically correct” which is another way of excusing being offensive, insulting, and yes…again, racist. Seriously, I think poorly educated people just favor loud jerks.

During his victory speech in Nevada Trump mentioned how he won the votes of Evangelicals, Hispanics (what?) moderates, the more conservatives, and pretty much every demographic of Republicans. I was expecting him to say he won among kids with chicken pox. He also stated that he won the votes of the “highly educated” and the “poorly educated” then stated he “loves the poorly educated.” Trump can say anything and he’s proven that to be true. He said he can commit murder and his supporters will still love him. That’s probably true depending upon the color of his victim. OJ’s bloody glove could be found on Trump and his supporters wouldn’t bail on him.

I do love that the GOP is in full downward spiral over Trump. They’re actually confused how this happened after they created him. A conservative friend of mine, who is not stupid but takes stupid positions, says it’s Obama’s fault. Of course he’s in the Obama bashing industry so you gotta take that into account.

I share president Obama’s faith that our nation won’t elect Trump president. I did think the Carolina Panthers were going to win the Super Bowl so I could be wrong on this. But seriously, Bernie Sanders, Hillary Clinton, nutless monkey, I can’t see the general population choosing Trump over any of those choices.

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Good Bye, Jeb


I spent Saturday knowing Jeb Bush would drop out of the campaign later in the evening and I was still considering taking the night off. I thought about putting a Jeb cartoon off until Sunday (published Monday morning). What happened was I ended up drawing two cartoons.

I had an idea I was OK with and I was almost done drawing when I got another idea. An idea I liked better. So I scrapped the cartoon I was drawing and started all over again…around 3:00 AM. I liked the second idea better because it included half the reason Jeb Bush failed. That reason is Donald Trump. The second reason is Jeb Bush. He’s boring and nobody wants another Bush presidency except for people with the last name “Bush.”

Jeb is a nice guy. I think he is. But he’s that nice guy where you leave the conversation early swearing your phone rang and he didn’t hear it because it was on vibrate. Jeb is boring. His brother, for being a nation destroying idiot, is not boring. His father, well he rode on Reagan’s coattails.

The question now isn’t so much as who do his future voters go to, but where does his money go? It goes to Rubio. Yeah, John Kasich is the other chief executive establishment guy, but the primary and delegate map doesn’t work out for him. Rubio is the establishment guy who’s actually placed at least third (maybe 2nd in South Carolina). Jeb’s donors will now flock to Marco. I’m sure he’ll enjoy looking up to them.

This is now a three-man race. Trump is the man for the stupid angry people. Cruz is the guy for the ultra-right wing, crazy religious zealots who want a theocracy. Rubio is for the establishment folks who like the way he talks. Kasich is out of the loop and Ben Carson is Dr. Delusional for even hanging around this long.

With Bush gone the person who will miss him most will be Donald Trump. Now who is he going to call “low energy?” Trump is going to miss Jeb like I miss drawing W. Jeb, you didn’t give me much of a chance.

And that other cartoon I started drawing? Come back for an update. I plan to finish it and share with the world and I’ll offer it to my clients who are afraid  of”shut the bleep up.” It won’t be on GoComics.

Update: Here’s the first cartoon. Maybe you’ll like it better than the plane cartoon. I don’t but I did enjoy drawing the Georges.


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Loyalty Pledges Are For Losers


In the past when Democrats controlled Southern states, Republicans were against party identification. One reason being that if you were a Republican then you didn’t want anyone to know. Damn liberal Republicans. People would start looking at you funny.

Today a lot of Republicans like the idea of requiring voters to identify with a party. That’s fine if you want to scream at the top of your lungs that you’re a donkey or an elephant, but it shouldn’t be a requirement to vote. In fact, it might be illegal. Since voting is a Constitutional Right then there shouldn’t be any barriers to it, even in a state primary.

Virginia’s Republicans are still reeling after losing every statewide office in the last state elections. Now they’re afraid Donald Trump’s candidacy is attracting people who don’t normally vote Republican and they’ll mess up their nice and fancy primary. I thought attracting more people to your party was a good thing, even if they don’t stay long. Their answer is to require each person trying to vote in their primary to sign a loyalty pledge stating they’re a Republican.

Donald Trump is right for once and that is the Virginia Republicans are being stupid. Hold a fair election and let the chips fall where they may. Virginia can be very important to selecting your nominee, or not a contender at all. It’s your choice.

By the way, Virginia GOP, the voters are paying for that primary so stop trying to change the rules.

On another note: I hardly do anything except eat, sleep, and draw cartoons. I hardly even leave my studio. I did yesterday. And then editors sent in requests, all wanting something on short notice. I hate not being able to deliver, but I was watching Star Wars. I didn’t have enough time after the movie to meet most of the requests.

But I did agree to meet one. The Staunton News-Leader in my state of Virginia asked me to draw a cartoon on this subject. They wanted it by noon, then extended it to 2:00 PM. I felt I could do that. Especially since the editor didn’t ask for a particular angle or viewpoint. They just asked for a cartoon.

I have been thinking about doing the issue, but thought that only one of my clients would get much use out of it. But when a client asks for something to be covered, and that it’s not exclusive to them, I try to come through.

Last week another client expressed an issue with the way I draw boobs. Not sure I can meet that one.

Candidate Oops


By the way, if you can’t name the three branches of government you probably shouldn’t complain about immigrants anymore….or really talk about anything political.

I had a couple of other Perry ideas last night. I didn’t like them enough and then I stumbled upon my Jim Bob cartoon (posted yesterday), so I drew that.

I came upon this idea after laying still on my bed in a food coma after devouring a plate of Kung Pao Chicken.

The other ideas were instead of Perry 2.0 he was “Perry 2.OOPS.” The other I kinda liked as it had Perry being sworn in for the presidency and having every syllable of the oath of office being read to him by the Chief Justice (I didn’t feel like doing all the lettering required to pull that off). Eh. Sorry I didn’t rough them out on paper. They stayed in my head.

Perry does have one good thing going for him that other candidates lack and that’s name recognition. The bad thing is what everyone associations with his name and that’s “oops.” You would think someone could remember what he accomplished as governor of the second largest state for 12 years other than being under indictment.