Joe Biden

Drippy With Bibi


cjones12012020

There is no law prohibiting the United States government from assassinating foreign leaders and officials. There is an executive order issued in the 1970s by President Gerald Ford that has been upheld by every American president except Donald Trump, though to be fair, Trump probably isn’t aware of it. But that order isn’t enough to stop our government from murdering people overseas. Have you see Osama bin Laden around lately?

In the 1980s, Reagan had our military bomb Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi’s tent. A tent. If he wasn’t the target, what did we think was in that tent threatening the United States? As it turns out, Gaddafi’s 6-month-old daughter was in the tent…or she wasn’t…or she wasn’t even his daughter. Information from the 1980s Libyan government is sketchier than a Rudy Giuliani Dildo-store-parking-lot press conference.

During our war with Iraq in 1990/1991, our second war with Iraq in 2003, and all the military strikes in between, our government never officially targeted Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein. But we did target his many houses, mansions, palaces, compounds…whatever you want to call them. The reasoning being given was that he may have been storing chemical weapons inside his homes, like you would keep weed killer in your garage. If one of those strikes had killed Saddam, then we could have said it was just a lucky coincidence. Even when we did catch him, we handed him over to a government we knew would kill him. There are western nations that refuse to hand over any prisoners to any nation if there is a possibility they will receive a death sentence.

Israel is not one of those nations either except they probably wouldn’t extradite anyone. They’d just kill them themselves. In fact, Israel had a practice of kidnapping people on foreign soil, dragging them back to Israel without the host nation being aware, conducting a trial of the suspect, then killing them. Do you know who else goes overseas and kidnaps people? North Korea and the United States. We took the leader of Panama and today, he’s rotting in a Florida prison. Hey, we didn’t kill him. North Korea just nabs people…or they murder them in airports on foreign soil.

To be fair, Israel wasn’t just grabbing ordinary civilians off the streets and throwing them into unmarked vans. They were grabbing Nazis hiding in South America. I am fine with going to Argentina and grabbing Nazis off the street and throwing them into unmarked vans then having them taken to Israel to stand trial. But to be honest, I don’t think anyone accused of being a Nazi is going to received a fair trial in Israel. If you were accused of being a Nazi, you wouldn’t any Jews on the jury except Stephen Miller.

That doesn’t make me anti-Israel…but people will say I am for this cartoon. Any time you criticize Israel, you’re often accused of being anti-Semitic. And our nation rarely criticizes Israel. The nation of Israel basically has a free pass with the U.S.

I’m criticizing Israel like I criticize the United States. What, am I anti-American now?

Foreign policy experts warn of our enemies engaging in bad behavior between the time of an American presidential election and a new administration taking over. Will Russia invade the rest of Ukraine? Will North Korea attack South Korea? Will Iranian-backed terrorists strike an embassy? Will South Korea unleash more anti-Trump TikTok videos? Will Canada increase imports of their cheese? Will the Prime Minister of Denmark laugh at pictures of Trump at his tiny desk? But…what happens when our allies take advantage of us during a presidential transition?

Last week, Mohsen Fakhrizadeh, who once led Iran’s military nuclear program when they had one, was assassinated. Who did it? Nobody has taken credit. And, neither Israel or the United states has issued a denial. There hasn’t even been an official, “Don’t look at me. I was at home washing my hair.”

Israel has been accused of assassinating Iranian scientist in the past. What would they have to gain by doing it now? It creates another headache on day one of President Joe Biden’s administration. Already, Iranians are burning pictures of Donald Trump and Joe Biden in the streets of Tehran. Biden isn’t even president yet but they’re extending blame to him. And if they think Israel did it, then why are they mad at us? Because we coddle Israel and support their actions like this. Hell, we probably paid for the bullets and explosives used in the act.

Iran is blaming Israel, but they know the United States has already killed one of their generals this year. So if they retaliate against us and it’s proven later we didn’t have anything to do with the killing of the scientist, Iran won’t lose any sleep over it. We’re still the Great Satan. If nothing else, we boasted about killing that general so I’m sure Donald Trump couldn’t have been silent over murdering an Iranian nuclear scientist.

Trump would have tweeted, “Best scientist murder ever. People are saying it’s nothing that’s ever been seen before. Obama never killed such important scientist. Sleepy Joe would have only sniffed the scientist’s hair.”

The other thing Israel gets out of this is that it hurts our negotiating position when we resume peace talks preventing Iran from having nuclear weapons. We had a deal and it was working. Donald Trump removed us without any reasoning other than catering to his right-wing base and Israel didn’t like the treaty. The treaty kept us out of war with Iran. Israel views a war between the United States and Iran in their best interest. The Israeli government will not mind us spilling our blood in their national interest.

And when it comes to dealing with the incoming administration, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has congratulated Joe Biden…we just don’t know what for.

Bibi tweeted, 12 hours after U.S. media called the election for Biden, “Congratulations @JoeBiden and @KamalaHarris. Joe, we’ve had a long & warm personal relationship for nearly 40 years, and I know you as a great friend of Israel. I look forward to working with both of you to further strengthen the special alliance between the U.S. and Israel.”

So, what did he congratulate them for? Netanyahu is playing it safe and parsing his words. He’s congratulating his old friend while not angering Donald Trump…which has to be one of the most ridiculous positions a foreign leader feels he has to take. It’s also cowardly. Wait until Bibi finds out his dogs are German Shepherds.

Shortly after the mysterious congratulatory tweet to Biden, Bibi tweeted a thank you to Donald Trump without mentioning the fact Trump is a loser who will be leaving the White House very soon.

Joe Biden has to come in and fix things Donald Trump has fucked up. He has to work on our immigration policies. He has to clean up a lot of bullshit funding for Trump’s racist border wall. He has to get us back into the Paris Climate Accords. He has to fix the treaty with Iran that made the world a safer place. He has to smack Putin around a little just so he knows his place. He has to remove us from Kim Jong Un’s butthole. He has to get our allies to stop laughing at us. He has to repair our relationship with NATO and show the world we favor our allies over dictators. And eventually, he has to declare Canadian cheese is not a threat to our national security. And now, he has to include crap Netanyahu is doing.

Israel may not be to blame…but they probably are. If they were a true ally, they would have waited until Joe Biden was in office. He wasn’t even receiving security briefings that president-elects usually receive. Those didn’t start until today. I predict Israel and Iran will be mentioned in every briefing Biden receives between now and the end of his presidency.

We give Israel over $3 billion a year. Unlike other nations where we give aid to in quarterly installments, we give our yearly donation to Israel all at once and at the beginning of the year. We give Israel more than we give to sub-Saharan Africa, Latin America, and the Caribbean combined. And when we give money to Israel, they turn around and put it into New York Federal Reserve so it can start earning interest immediately. We have to borrow to give Israel this money which means we spend over $100 million paying interest on it. And our aid to Egypt and Jordan is contingent upon their treaties with Israel. Our aid to the Palestinians is so they can rebuild their communities after Israel destroys them with weapons we paid for. Additionally, Israel can and has blocked our sales of weapons to other Middle East nations while selling weapons to China that can be used against us…and they do this without telling us.

And then, they murder top officials in nation’s hostile to the U.S, dragging us into their bullshit. And they’re our friends?

One thing President Joe Biden should do, which he won’t, is cut the amount of aid we give to Israel.

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Turkey Coup Fail


cjones11262020

Donald Trump’s coup has failed.

Yesterday, the head of the General Services Administration, a low-profile agency that directs resources for stuff like government real estate and oh yeah…transition funds from one presidential administration to the next, announced it was approving the transition to the Biden administration.

After a presidential election when a new leader is elected, the GSA routinely releases funding to the new administration so there will be a smooth transition between the election and when the new president takes the oath of office in January. Although the head of the agency is appointed by the outgoing president, there’s usually no drama over this person doing their job. That was not the case this time.

Emily Murphy is the head of the General Services Administration. Emily Murphy has been described as a by-the-books administrator. Emily Murphy is a coward.

Joe Biden won the election 16 days ago. And even though Donald Trump was having a public hissy fit, hiding in his bunker except to play golf, refusing to answer reporters’ questions, throwing out conspiracy theories, issuing over 300 lying tweets since the election, losing over 30 legal challenges, inviting state Republican legislators to the White House to coerce them to reject their citizens votes, and having Rudy Giuliani hold press conferences outside dildo stores and icking all over the place, Emily Murphy could have approved the transition process to begin.

Even if by some bizarro-world situation where Trump flipped states and would remain president for the next four years (Brrr! I just got a chill), nothing would have been lost by preparing for a Biden presidency. No harm would have been done. If Joe Biden was receiving the same daily intelligence briefings as Donald Trump, it wouldn’t have been a risk to this nation.

When it comes to the security briefings, Joe Biden has been in positions previously where he received them. Unlike Donald Trump, Joe Biden would qualify for a security clearance without being president. Unlike Donald Trump, Joe Biden would actually read the briefing material. Unlike Donald Trump, Joe Biden would not tweet or share classified information with Vladimir Putin. Unlike Donald Trump, Joe Biden would not overrule the FBI and give security clearances to his daughter and son-in-law (who was trying to create a back channel with Russia and is in debt to Middle Eastern kingdoms).

Emily Murphy could have said, “I know Trump is going to be a big baby about this but I’m moving the process forward. It’s the right thing to do.” She could have done the right thing…but she didn’t. That will be her legacy. Imagine how she would have been remembered if she had done the right thing. You can only imagine it because Emily Murphy is a coward.

Emily Murphy released a statement saying, “I was never directly or indirectly pressured by any Executive Branch official — including those who work at the White House or GSA — with regard to the substance or timing of my decision.” Bullshit.

Emily Murphy is a coward and just like every Republican in Washington, she was afraid of angering Trump and his MAGAts. She claims she received death threats. I doubt Democrats were issuing those threats. She claimed even her pets received death threats. How do you claim you didn’t feel any pressure when people are threatening your dog?

Emily Murphy is a coward and she should have done her job in the first place. She shouldn’t have waited 16 days. She is just another Trump goon who put the cult before duty. Even though she was hired by Trump, she works for the citizens of the United States of America, not Donald Trump. She is paid by us, not Donald Trump. She should have done her job.

What Donald Trump did was put himself before the nation. He undermined our democracy. He told his supporters our election failed. He told his supporters they can’t trust democracy. He told our allies the president (sic) of the United States didn’t believe in democracy. He told our enemies the president (sic) of the United states didn’t believe in democracy. Donald Trump tried to remain president after losing an election. Donald Trump attempted a coup. Emily Murphy, like so many Republicans, enabled him.

Emily Murphy, you are not a hero. You are not brave. You are a failure and a sycophant of the cult. You’re no better than Kayleigh McEnany, Stephen Baby Goebbels Miller, or Steve Baby Fishmouth Mnuchin. And just like all the MAGAts Trump brought with him, I look forward to your dismissal after January 20.

Donald Trump is boasting he has delivered a vaccine to the coronavirus. He really didn’t have anything to do with that but still, his stonewalling the Biden transition endangers the distribution of the vaccine after he’s gone.

Donald Trump hasn’t just be trying to discredit the Biden administration. His actions were an attempt to make it fail. And if that means more Americans died, for Donald Trump, so be it. It’s not like he cared about Americans dying from the virus before the election. If more Americans die after Trump leaves office, even if it’s his fault, he can blame Biden and tweet about it.

Now, he’s going to pin a medal on himself for approving the transition. Donald Trump tweeted he told Murphy to release the transition funds while Murphy is saying she made the decision on her own. These people need to coordinate their bullshit.

Even If Murphy never did release the funds before January 20, it wouldn’t have stopped Joe Biden from becoming president. While Trump goons say the media doesn’t decide who wins elections, neither does the GSA or the president (sic). Joe Biden will be president on January 20 and there’s nothing Donald Trump or Emily Murphy can do about that. But, they’re still going to give the impression Donald Trump allowed it.

Prediction: Donald Trump will be praised by the Trump media and MAGAts for being a big boy and getting out of the way for Joe Biden. You’ll see. Geraldo Rivera wants to name the vaccine to the virus that Donald Trump allowed to kill over 250,000…after Donald Trump to “honor” him. That’s how these people are. We should NOT name any vaccine after Donald Trump. We have named the virus after him. He is the virus, not the cure.

If anyone’s the cure, it’s Joe Biden.

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Deep-State Voter Fraud


cjones11212020

What’s dumber than believing Donald Trump won the election or that there’s a deep-state cabal of Satan-worshipping cannibalistic lizard people running the government? Believing you can trust Donald Trump to work out a fair payment AFTER you perform a service for him.

Donald Trump has been sued numerous times by contractors for refusing to pay the price he agreed to in a contract. He’s even been sued by the lawyers who represented him in these disputes for non payments. So now Rudy Giuliani is publicly embarrassing himself for a price to be determined later.

Rudy is Trump’s lead legal fucknut in trying to steal the election from Joe Biden. In doing so, he has to present a case of total bullshit and conspiracy theories. Yesterday, Rudy argued a case in Pennsylvania and told the judge he wasn’t accusing anyone of voter fraud…and then blamed it all on voter fraud. He must have thought he was on Hannity.

There are reports that Rudy is charging $20,000 a day to represent Donald Trump in this attempt to steal the election. Rudy says those reports are lies…and you know how we can always trust Rudy to tell the truth. Rudy says they’ll work out a price after they’re done stealing the election and Donald Trump begins his second term.

Is Donald Trump stupid? Yes, he is, but he’s not dumb enough to pay Rudy $20,000 a day of his own money. His supporters are paying Rudy.

There’s only one thing dumber than voting for Donald Trump and that’s giving money to elect Donald Trump. His grifting is on public record. He publicly cried for an international summit to be given to one of his shitty golf resorts. A court has barred him and three of his shitty kids from participating with any charitable organizations in New York state because he stole from his own charity. Most people would go to prison for something like that. As president (sic), Donald Trump has directed millions of dollars of taxpayer money into his businesses. On top of all that, his campaign conducts events at his resorts where the Trump Campaign pays a fee to Donald Trump.

Giving money to support Donald Trump is like buying a new watch for the guy who stole your watch. So if you’re still giving money to the Trump Campaign, you’re giving it to Donald Trump. And if you’re dumb enough to give Trump money…are you dumb enough to believe a second Trump term will be saved by Rudy Giuliani, the guy who got scammed by Borat?

Part of this entire bullshit propaganda of Trump really winning the election and having it stolen by Democrats is to steal the election from Joe Biden. Another reason is to destroy faith in the government that takes over in January and make Joe Biden fail. But perhaps the greatest reason for this scam is that the Trump Campaign is still raising money for it.

But this time, it’s not going to a legal fight as much as it’s paying off campaign debt…and going into Donald Trump’s pockets. Maybe Trump will put the cash into his secret Chinese bank account or maybe he’ll put it towards the $500 million or so he owes to shady mystery creditors (probably Russians). Or maybe he’ll band use to pay off a real lawyer to help Rudy out the next time he tries to lure a teenage girl into a Manhattan hotel room supposedly for drinks while his hand is down his pants.

What’s almost just as crazy as believing Donald Trump will pay you later…or that Rudy Giuliani should lead your legal defense, is believing the election was stolen from Donald Trump.

70% of Republicans believe Donald Trump won the election and it’s being stolen by Democrats. And just like they didn’t have proof when a majority believed President Obama was born in Kenya, they don’t have any proof of massive voter fraud.

But hey, Republicans don’t need proof for bullshit. Ask Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones, or Donald Trump. And now with members of Qanon actually being elected to the United States Congress, anything goes.

Republicans don’t have any relationship with the truth. At this time, only four Republican senators have accepted that Joe Biden has won the election. Two Republicans senators are screaming for the secretary of state of Georgia to resign because he counted more votes for Biden than for Trump. Another senator has called the same secretary of state suggesting he throw out votes for Biden. You know, votes cast by black people.

Republicans don’t have integrity, don’t care about democracy, and don’t care about the truth. Don’t believe me? Let’s go grab dinner at Comet Pizza and ask them about it. Actually, I’m joking. I’d never have dinner with a Republican. I can’t eat while looking at you people.

Here’s a fact: Donald Trump will not be president after noon on January 20, 2021. Why? Because of the fact Joe Biden beat his ass in the presidential election. Donald Trump lost the election fair and square and there’s not enough Rudy bullshit in the world to change that fact.

Here’s an unfortunate fact: All these idiots who would rather believe in conspiracy theories about voter fraud, lizard people, devil worshippers, or Democratic pedophilic pizza makers, will still be around after Donald Trump is gone.

Another fun fact: Fuck COVID. I’m not going anywhere either.

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Mr. President-Elect


CNN11092020

Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday.

In fact, for this week’s newsletter. I drew TWO cartoon.

In the first cartoon, I wanted to show the contrast between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. I’ve seen a few other cartoonists do this also.

With Biden, you have a president-elect calling for unity. He’s already building his government.

In Donald Trump, here’s a man refusing to concede and engaging in wild conspiracy theories in order to cling to power. In firing his Defense Secretary, he’s dismantling his government. For their part, the GOP is enabling him. They keep saying we need to count every “legal” ballot, ignoring the fact we don’t have an abundance or any clear signs there are illegal ballots. It’s not like you go to a restaurant and say you only want food that’s not from a human carcass. That’s a given, right?

In 2016, Hillary Clinton conceded and President Obama invited Donald Trump to the White House. President Obama got the wheels rolling for the transition. He handed over the keys. Trump’s administration is refusing to cooperate with the president-elect’s transition team. In doing so, Donald Trump is proving he doesn’t care about the best interest of the nation.

When Trump was in Obama’s White House, President Obama said he wanted Trump to succeed because when he succeeds, “we all succeed.” Trump’s actions today show he’s not just wishing Biden to fail, he’s trying to make him fail.

Every presidential race has a loser. Most of those losers distinguish themselves with some dignity. Donald Trump doesn’t know how to do dignity. It doesn’t know how to afford people the generosity and privilege that’s been extended to him. Donald Trump is incapable of behaving like an adult. Donald Trump was a sore winner in 2016. In 2020, he’s distinguishing himself as a sore loser.

The same people who are crying about voter fraud in 2020 never proved it when they cried “voter fraud” in 2016. In fact, Donald Trump created a special commission to investigate voter fraud which failed to find any and quietly disbanded after working as a government agency acquiring voter roll data for the Trump Campaign. Fact.

Now, the same lawyers who are going to litigate voter fraud accusations are the same jerks who can’t differentiate between the Four Seasons Hotel and Four Seasons landscaping next to a Philadelphia dildo store (which should be called “Philadelphia dildos”). The leader of this legal team is the same jerk caught with his hands literally down his pants in a hotel room, with what he thought was a teenage girl, in a Borat movie. Do you want an investigation? Let’s investigate that. Screw missing ballots in Michigan. Rudy, why were you in a hotel room having drinks with a teenage girl while lying down with your hand down your pants? Kudo’s to Borat.

Also, if you run into Rudy, you have another reason besides Covid 19 to bring hand sanitizer.

CNN11082020

As for polls: Dammit, pollsters.

I spent four years defending your polling asses. In 2016, the polls weren’t off. The race was in the margin of error. The polls were pretty accurate in each state. What was off were the predictions.

This time however, they were off. National polls had Biden ahead way outside the margin of error. While plenty of states were tight, like Florida, North Carolina, Arizona, Texas, Ohio, and even Pennsylvania, Wisconsin and Michigan were way off. Those states gave Biden a huge lead.

Even though I knew they were mostly counting election day ballots on election night, I knew the were polls were wrong. Way wrong.

If you’re like me, a journalist who’s been reading the polls on a daily basis, you’re kinda pissed. This is a resource for me. I like my resources to be…what’s the word? Oh yeah. RESOURCEFUL!!!

These polling agencies need to figure out what they’re doing wrong. Maybe start with not only calling people with landlines anymore. That’s like taking a poll of people who don’t have the internet. And why can’t they call cell phones? People are calling me everyday on mine to ask about the warranty on the car I don’t have.

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The New Detail


cjones11112020

Author Andrew Shvarts tweeted, “This election is like if your friends pick dinner and 3 vote pizza and 2 vote ‘kill and eat you.’ Even if pizza wins, there’s a big problem.” He tweeted that in 2016 but it applies more to the 2020 election.

That’s the question we have to ask ourselves: After four years of chaos, insanity, racism, and over 230,000 dead from an ignored virus and massive job loss, why did nearly half this country vote for the Nazi apologist? Why did half the country vote for the guy who’s lied to them over 20,000 times? Why did half the nation want four more years of this bullshit?

While we can celebrate that we’re getting rid of Trump, we still have his MAGAts. Yes, liberals got the White House, but didn’t win control of the Senate and actually lost seats in the House. There’s actually a member of Qanon heading to Congress. So if you’re thinking that you don’t have to flee the nation because Trump won’t be poisoning it up anymore, the damange may already be done.

As for the Secret Service, good for the guys who have been assigned to the Biden detail and too bad for the guys still protecting Trump’s ass. Even with Donald Trump out of the White House, he still qualifies for Secret Service protection for the rest of his life (along with the pension we’ll pay him. Let’s see if he donated that). A former president (sic) can decline Secret Service protection, which President Jimmy Carter has done.

The only times I am aware of an attempt on the life of a former president was when Saddam Hussein planned to assassinate former President George H. W. Bush and when someone shot former President Theodore Roosevelt. But in Roosevelt’s situation, he was once again a presidential candidate (and he delivered a speech after being shot and before going to the hospital).

Donald Trump is a supposed billionaire. He can afford his own security. But if he declines Secret Service protection, then he can’t bilk them (us) for rent, golf cart rentals to follow him around, and for shitty sandwiches and shitty rooms at his shitty resorts. Will his children decline Secret Service protection. I know from experience that children of a former president continue to receive protection, at least for a while. I went to high school with Amy Carter after her father lost to Ronald Reagan and the Secret Service was constantly present.

But then again, Donald Trump said he’d have to leave the country if he lost to the likes of Joe Biden. I’d like to hold him to that promise. Will Putin provide him a security detail?

Of course, he could always go to jail and then we don’t have to worry about any of it.

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Y’all Qaeda


cjones11062020

As you probably saw on the news, Trump rednecks were harassing a Biden/Harris campaign bus in Texas. They surrounded the bus, were waving weapons, and one vehicle was nearly ran off the road. Donald Trump is upset the FBI is “investigating” it.

Here’s a tip, kids: If you’re going to do anything bad, do it while wearing a MAGA hat. You won’t be arrested immediately because the authorities will have to “investigate” it before any arrests are made. Even with this situation in Texas, they’re looking to see if the Biden/Harris people are at fault for having their bus surrounded by Trump goobers. His truck looked at my truck funny.

Donald Trump even claimed the MAGAt convoy was “protecting” the Biden/Harris bus. And he tweeted out a video of the incident with, “I love Texas.”

Don Jr. encouraged them to stage the attack. Marco Rubio shouted at a MAGA rally, “We love what they do!”

In other locations, the MAGAts on wheels are blocking roads and shutting down bridges. Have there been any arrests? That’s not rhetorical. Have there been any arrests?

This is what the Trump era has brought us. If you don’t like what someone has to say, run ’em off the road.

Meanwhile, the MAGAts at a MAGA rally chanted, “Fire Fauci.” Donald Trump said to wait and see what happens after the election. Why after? Because he’s a coward and is afraid that if he does it before, it’ll hurt him? Or, is he saying “after” because he’s lying to his people? Is he giving them false hate hope?

Donald Trump supporters are the worst of America.

But let’s be honest. We’re all a little surprised it hasn’t been worse than this. The day’s not over yet. I expect the worst to happen between after all the votes are counted and the inauguration.

This is all your getting for a blog today because the Live Blog is tonight. I gotta rest up.

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New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

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Tucker’s Lost Conspiracy


cjones11022020

You gotta be careful with where you put those conspiracies. They’re like car keys…or that one missing sock. Where’d it go? For me, it’s batteries. I’ll buy a pack of 20 batteries then when the remote dies, I can’t find the batteries. I go insane hunting for them until I finally give up and buy another package which also can’t be found six months later. I bet Hunter Biden’s taking them.

For the past few years, Rudy Giuliani has been on a Hunter Biden snipe hunt in Ukraine. And just like a real snipe hunt, Rudy hasn’t caught shit.

A snipe hunt is what you do to get the kids out of your hair while camping or hanging out with friends. You send the kids on a snipe hunt so you and the rest of the adults can get hammered or do whatever it is you don’t want the kids there to witness. The thing is, there is no such thing as a snipe. IF the kids are really stupid, they’ll be gone for hours. Don’t ask me how I know this. Come to think of it, I can’t think of a better way to get Rudy out of your hair than sending him an Eastern European snipe hunt. The only bad thing is, he comes back to go on Fox News to tell Hannity about the snipes he caught that we can’t see. Hannity gets excited about snipes. So does Tucker Carlson.

A few weeks ago, Rudy convinced The New York Post to run a story about Hunter Biden’s laptop which contained incriminating emails that implicated him in nefarious evil plots with his father, Joe Biden. The only problem was, there was no actual proof the laptop belonged to Hunter Biden.

No credible news outlets would take the story. Not even Fox News. The reporter who was forced to write the story for the Post refused to put his name on it. Later, a former associate of Hunter, Tony Bobulinski, turned up with “incriminating” documents proving Hunter is one bad dude and his father bwahahahahahahas with him.

Once again, no credible media outlets would touch the story. The documents were crap. The Wall Street Journal refused the story. But good ole Tucker Carlson came along and gave Bobabooey an interview on his crap show, which made a lot of conspiracy theorists say, “A-ha!” But of course, it was all a bunch of accusations without any proof. I mean, if allegations were proof, then Donald Trump is a rapist.

Then it got even weirder. On Wednesday night, Tucker claimed a shipment of “damning” documents being shipped to him had VANISHED!!! He wondered how such a nefarious thing could happen to a “trove of materials that are directly relevant to the presidential campaign that’s six days away.” Did the Satanic pedophiliac deep state intercept them in Wichita?

Then, on Thursday morning, Tucker said they had been found but there was still malfeasance. Somehow, the package had been opened and the flash drive containing all the evil Biden stuff had fallen out. Is UPS part of the deep state? Does Hillary drive a brown truck?

Of course, when you have such important documents incriminating a presidential candidate in evil plots, you make copies. Right? Right! And Tucker made copies. And……….he still hasn’t released the copies. While complaining about the documents disappearing, then reappearing while being shipped, he never once told us anything about what was in the documents.

For all we know, the documents are like that giant book given to Lesley Stahl by Kayleigh McEnany which she claimed contained Trump’s healthcare plan. The book was actually like 7,000 pages of Trump word salad. Unlike Tucker would do, Lesley opened the book.

Then, NBC reported that a 64-page dossier floating around on the dark web (4chan and Qanon) documenting a complex conspiracy involving Hunter Biden and China was actually authored by a fake persona. In case you’re a Republican…or you watch Tucker Carlson Tonight…or you are Tucker Carlson, “fake persona” means the person doesn’t exist. The documents are fake, bogus, bullshit. I’m so sorry.

The question is, was this 64-page fake dossier the documents Tucker was waiting on from UPS? If so, why didn’t he just download them off the internet? Why were they even shipped in the first place? This isn’t 1992. You can email files now. If the files are really large, you can share them through Google Drive. I know this from personal experience. I have a computer. It seems like the only reason you would actually ship documents is because you’re hoping to lose them or they get mangled in a sorting machine.

Not only do these Hunter stories not pass muster for real journalists, they don’t pass the stink test for bar gossip. Who, what, where, when, why? They don’t have any of that. And if you were pushing this stuff in a bar, the bartender should cut you off.

Tucker Carlson is not a journalist. He’s not even a good fearmonger. Now, Tucker says we should just forget about all of it and leave Hunter Biden alone. You know what that means, don’t you? It means Tucker actually looked at the documents, finally, and discovered they were so full of shit, they didn’t even meet his standards. Who’s researching this shit for Tucker? Does he have the same clerk as Brett Kavanaugh?

It’s too bad Tucker isn’t a journalist. If he was, he would have taken a look at the info before telling his viewers he had info. As it turned out, he had shit. Tucker promised and he didn’t deliver. He’s like Geraldo and Al Capone’s vault. He cracked the safe and found dirt and empty bottles.

When Geraldo opened Al Capone’s safe and struck out, he knew he failed. He went across the street and got “tequila drunk.” Geraldo knew he sold an empty promise and there was nothing journalistic about it. But it made for great ratings. Really. Thirty million people watched for two hours as Geraldo opened an empty box….kinda like those Republican California ballot boxes.

Tucker isn’t that aware. He’s just going to ignore this ever happened and jump on the next bullshit conspiracy theory…what is it now, illegal voters with mail-in ballots? Are they all brown? Is George Soros behind it?

Hey, maybe someone will mail him documents.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Hurry Up, Election Day


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Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday.

I’m already seeing posts on Facebook saying, “Only nine more weeks ’til Christmas.” If you’re one of those people, I’d like to say, go to Hell.

I personally believe there should be a law prohibiting the display of any Christmas decorations or activities until the day after Thanksgiving. Furthermore, all Christmas decorations, activities, music, and any mention of the holiday have to cease after New Years Day.

I am a Grinch. I don’t like Christmas. The only time I’ve ever enjoyed Christmas was for a couple years as a kid, for my own child, and for other people’s children. I’ve enjoyed giving gifts. But for the most part, I’ve only tolerated Christmas. I’m not a Christmas sweater kind of person. I probably draw the least amount of Christmas-themed cartoons of any political cartoonist in the nation. Partly because I don’t like Christmas but I also don’t like worn-out lazy clichés.

Can we get through Halloween before we see Christmas decorations? Can we make it through Thanksgiving before I have to hear “Jingle Bell Rock?” For that matter, how about we get through Election Day first and find out if we’re going to survive as a nation or turn into a totalitarian state with only one actual branch of government that’s built to serve a cult of personality? If this election doesn’t go right, you’re not going to have Jesus’ birthday to celebrate anymore. Instead, we’ll celebrate Donald Trump Day. We’ll celebrate Dear Leader’s birthday like they do in North Korea.

Since this election is scary, you’re allowed to keep your Halloween decorations up through Election Day.

For a lot of people in this nation, Election Day has already happened. It has for me as a voter. As a pundit and professional prognosticator, I’m still waiting. It’s been reported that over 50 million people have already voted. In 2016, the total of all voters was 133 million. For this election, I expect that number to be higher.

For Donald Trump to be elected president in 2016, he had to defeat the most gaslighted person of all time. Hillary Clinton was gaslighted so much, that it elected the likes of Donald Trump to the presidency. But now that Donald Trump has the presidency, he’s doing all he can not to let it go. He’s acting like it’s his choice, not ours, if he stays. For Donald Trump, our presidency, our White House, are just divisions of the Trump Organization and he’s done all he can to make them as corrupt…with a lot of success.

The polls are even worse for Trump in this election than they were in 2016. Donald Trump’s approval has yet to poll above 50% throughout his entire presidency. And this time, he’s running against an old moderate white guy. There’s nothing really scary about Joe Biden. As hard as they’ve tried to gaslight him to the point they did Hillary Clinton, it’s a lot tougher. For starters, they’re 25 years too late and an old moderate white dude is less scary as a president to th electorate than…gasp….a woman.

Joe Biden isn’t just leading in those crucial swing states that flipped for Donald Trump, Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania…he’s leading outside the margin of error, which Hillary Clinton did not do. Not only that, but Biden is leading in states that should be secure for Trump like Florida and North Carolina and is even being competitive in Georgia and Texas.

So when I see these polls, I wonder if we can keep it going. Can we get through this election before another October Surprise, another FBI announcement, another military strike, another information drop by Russia, another attempt by Israel to help Trump…or whatever new shit they come up with? All signs are pointing to a massive Joe Biden landslide so naturally, I’m scared shitless that the Republicans and the corruption they’ve installed in our government will steal it.

So I say to Election Day, please…don’t be late.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Debate Drug Test


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And I thought it was weird when he only wanted Russian hookers’ pee.

Ya know, it’s really kinda hard for Donald Trump to put the entire Russian hooker pee-pee tape thing to rest when he’s asking for Joe Biden’s pee. Does Donald Trump want to film Joe peeing? Does he want to take Joe’s pee home for later usage? What will he use that pee for? If Trump is going to take a drug test before the debate, will he be using his own pee or that of a Russian hooker? And…does Adderall show up on a drug test?

Finally, if you pay a Russian hooker to pee in a cup, can you deduct it in your taxes?

But seriously, Donald Trump needs to make the head of his corporation take a drug test, not Joe Biden. Have you heard Donald Trump Jr speak lately?

Donald Trump is doing three things with his call for Joe Biden to take a drug test. He’s gaslighting about who Joe Biden is, he’s distracting from genuine topics, and he’s lowering the bar.

Donald Trump is lowering the bar for his debate performance like he is with his upcoming electoral defeat. After he’s defeated in November, he’ll blame fictional fraud. After Joe Biden kicks his ass tonight in the first debate, he’ll say it’s because Joe is on drugs.

What he’s trying to distract us from is his performance as president and his own faults. Donald Trump would rather talk about some fictional drug Joe Biden is on rather than the 202,000 people who have died from the coronavirus. He’d rather talk about some fictional bullshit than his taxes. And each time he brings up drug tests, which Biden isn’t doing anything wrong by not taking, Biden should demand Donald Trump to release his taxes.

Joe Biden should demand that Donald Trump explain how his daughter is paid as a contracting consultant, for which he deducted taxes for, while she’s also an executive at that company. She was paid for consulting on projects she was managing.

Joe Biden should demand that Donald Trump explain the deductions he used to get a tax refund over $72 million.

Joe Biden should ask Donald Trump to explain how he’s a great businessman when he’s losing millions each year.

Joe Biden should demand Donald Trump to explain how bankrupted in an industry where customers willingly give you free money.

Joe Biden should demand Donald Trump to explain why he’s paying lower federal taxes than the illegal immigrants he’s hired.

Joe Biden should demand Donald Trump to explain why he’s paying more taxes to places like Turkey, the Philippines, Panama, and Indonesia than he’s paying to the United States.

Joe Biden should demand Donald Trump to reveal who he’s in debt to for over $300 million. That last one is really important.

Donald Trump is attempting to gaslight Biden the way he did with Hillary Clinton. During 2016, a majority of those polled believed Donald Trump was more honest than Hillary Clinton. There have been over 20 years of gaslighting about Hillary Clinton, that after over 22,000 lies, polls would probably still show Donald Trump to be more trustworthy than Clinton.

It’s kinda like the gaslighting that Republicans are better with the economy. Republicans always ruin the economy and Democrats always fix it. Right now, we’re at an eight percent unemployment rate and Donald Trump is still graded better with the economy than Joe Biden…who was a part of the administration that fixed the economy the last time a Republican fucked it up. Honestly, American voters are stupid.

Now, they’ve gaslighted that Joe Biden has mental problems. Trump has done this, Republicans have done this, and the Russians have done this. They have taken Joe Biden’s stutter and turned it into a mental problem. Now, they want to create a mythical drug thing with Joe Biden.

What Joe Biden should do each time Donald Trump brings up the drug tests bullshit….demand Sniffy to prove he’s not on Adderall. Also, I think it’d be great if he called Trump “Sniffy.”

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Facemask Losers


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Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi violated California state law when she went to a hair salon and at least for a minute, didn’t wear a face mask.

A video was released of her walking from one room to the other without the mask. Pelosi claims it was a setup as she called the salon, where she’s been a customer for years, and an employee told her to come in.

Pelosi is responsible for this. She should have known the state law and she should have worn a face mask for the entire visit. But that said, yeah, it was a setup. How do I know it was a setup? Because we’ve seen the video.

In fact, White House spokesgoon Kayleigh McEnany began a press briefing about the video and ran it on a loop for several minutes. The thing about this is, it shouldn’t be the White House promoting and advancing this video. It’s bad politics. What they should do is just let their conservative allies do it. Yeah, it’s still hypocritical and stupid, but at least they could have the semblance of keeping their hands clean and government employees like Kayleigh McEnany wouldn’t have to conduct herself like a goon.

But which is it? Are we supposed to be upset at someone for not wearing a mask for a minute or are we supposed to mock people who wear masks?

Look at the Republican convention. There were two nights where the Trump team created crowds, one at Fort McHenry in Baltimore and the other on the South Lawn. Not only did these two acts violate the Hatch Act and abuse public property for partisan political events, they didn’t practice social distancing. Face masks were not required. You have to remember the last time Trump put together a huge party for a political event, it killed Herman Cain, who, by the way, they failed to mention once during their four-nights of lies and bullshit.

Last week, Donald Trump mocked Joe Biden for wearing a mask. Trump said, “Did you ever see a man who likes a mask as much as him?. It gives him a feeling of security.”

Then, the guy who should be in a padded room while wearing a jacket that ties in the back said, “If I were a psychiatrist — right? I’d say, this guy’s got some big issues. Hanging down.” Hanging down? What the hell is that? Anyway…

So far in this pandemic, due to a virus Donald Trump has ignored at times and downplayed at others, has killed nearly 185,000 Americans. So, why the hell is he mocking someone for wearing a face mask which is recommended by the Center for Disease Control and the White House Coronavirus Task Force?

What’s next? Making fun of people who have died from it? Calling them weak or better yet for Trump, losers?

Donald Trump is the president (sic) of the United States. Every time someone says “President Trump,” my skin crawls because it’s the most disgusting thing there is…but he is the president (sic). Yet, he can’t be presidential. He can’t exhibit leadership. Joe Biden can. Joe Biden is being presidential.

Joe Biden is demonstrating by example, showing leadership, and taking the virus seriously. Donald Trump finds that something to mock.

Donald Trump refuses to be president for the entire nation. He refuses to be a leader in the same way he refuses to be an adult, mature, responsible, accountable, or credible.

Wearing face masks saves lives. Experts predict fewer deaths and a quicker end to this pandemic if we all wore face masks. Donald Trump is politicizing it and making fun of people for wearing face masks.

Wearing a face mask is the patriotic thing to do. But then again, we all know how Donald Trump feels about patriotism.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.