Impeachment Hearings

Sondland Who?


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Here’s your cartoon for CNN’s weekly newsletter, Provoke/Persuade. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday for the rest of your life.

After Gordon Sondland’s testimony this week before the House Intelligence Committee, where he said there definitely WAS a quid pro quo, Donald Trump said he barely knew the guy.

He barely knew the guy, yet after being asked to explain the comment he was credited to making to Trump, “Zelensky loves your ass,” he said their conversations are full of curse words. Maybe Trump curses at everyone he knows but for me to jokingly curse with someone on the phone, I have to be pretty comfortable with them. That means I have to know them.

Sondland gave Trump’s inauguration committee a million dollars. Trump, in another quid pro quo, made him ambassador to the European Union. From there, trusting Sondland to do his dirty work more than he trusted the ambassador to Ukraine, he put Sondland in charge of Ukraine matters (even though Ukraine is NOT in the European Union). He gave Sondland a direct line to him. Then, Trump trusted him enough to be called from a secure line, or too stupid, that he had a conversation with Sondland who was on a cell phone calling from a public restaurant in Ukraine.

There’s also the tiny little matter that Trump lies.

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Coup Coup Ca Choo


cjones11262019

One of the Republican Trumpster dumbass talking points I’m most tired of is, the impeachment is a coup.

Shut up. Shut up. Just shut the hell up, you ignorant, babbling idiot. If Democrats impeach Donald Trump and replace him with Hillary Clinton, then you’re on to something. It’s a coup. But it’s NOT a coup by replacing him with Mike Pence unless we find out later that Pence was behind this all along and is later seen in the Oval Office Bwa-ha-ha-ing.

I have a theory about dumbass-Republican talking points. They’re created by people smart enough to know they’re stupid, but they’re created for people who aren’t. You know, the type of people who attend Trump rallies, debate with memes on Facebook and Twitter, hang out on 4chan and will be eating at your house this upcoming Thursday where you’ll probably end the day by stabbing them with a fork in the eyeball. I mean, does Jim Jordan actually believe Donald Trump won an “electoral landslide” in 2016? He may not be one of the “smart” ones I was envisioning. Anybody got a fork?

For something to be considered a landslide, it has to be an overwhelming majority, huge, amazing, and an earth-shattering movement. It has to be so special that Stevie Nicks writes a song about it. There have been 58 presidential elections in the United States. In sizes of electoral victories, Donald Trump’s 2016 win with 304 electoral votes to Clinton’s 224 comes in at number 46. While Trump says his win was the “greatest electoral victory in history,” 46 is much lower than 1. For comparison, Obama’s two victories come in at number 32 (365 to 173 in 2008) and number 37 (332 to 206 in 2012). In case you’re a Republican, both of Obama’s victories were larger than Trump’s, electorally and by popular vote. That popular vote is the hangup for Republicans.

Each time they say “electoral landslide,” they leave out “disappointing popular vote margin.” The fact is, Hillary Clinton beat Donald Trump by nearly 3 million votes. In case you’re a Republican, 65 million is more than 62 million.  In case you’re a Trump supporter, no, there were not millions of illegal votes cast for Hillary Clinton. Why, looking at the totals, one could think that the will of the American people was undermined and thwarted by the electoral college. Why, it’s like the electoral college conducted a coup.

That’s what idiots like Jim Jordan and Devin Nunes keep saying. That impeachment is undermining the will of the American voters. If something takes away the decision of the majority, then didn’t the electoral college already violate their will? If Republicans really cared about the will of the American voter, they’d put measures into motion to remove the electoral college from the Constitution. Since the electoral college was only put into the Constitution by our founding fathers to placate whiny-ass, entitled, white-privilege slave states, today’s racist Republicans are just fine with it.

While we’re on the topic, if we really care about representation distributed fairly, we’d trash the system of every state having two senators. Why should North Dakota’s 79,000 have as much representation in the Senate as California’s 39 million, or Texas’ 28 million, or Florida’s 21 million, or New York’s 19 million? Why should Puerto Rico’s 3 million and Washington, D.C.’s 633,000 get no representation in our capital at all?

Here’s a general rule you can adopt for when a Republican is talking: Don’t listen to them. They’re lying. But what about the time they said…Nope, that was a lie. But what about…Nope, another lie. But then they said…Nope, that was a lie too. How about when they said they were…LIES! LIES! LIES! YEAH!

Don’t listen to them. And if you’re in a living or working situation where you have constant interaction with them, you may wanna start carrying a fork.

Editors note: This blog is humorous and doesn’t really advocate or condone any Republicans getting stabbed in the eye with a fork. Even if they have it coming. Even if it’s really tempting. Even if they say something stupid like, “Donald Trump is building the wall,” or “Donald Trump was sent by Jesus” or they mention the “electoral landslide.” Even if they’re wearing a MAGA hat and they’re at the unemployment office. Even if they’re in your house, at your kitchen table, eating your food, and talking about how Donald Trump is “making America great again.” This blog doesn’t condone you fork stabbing them in the eyeball multiple, several, countless times…again and again and again. We just won’t have it.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

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Zelensky Loves It


cjones11222019

Donald Trump made an unannounced, surprise, mysterious visit to the hospital over the weekend. The White House is in denial mode that there was an emergency for the 73-year-old obese manbaby, and his physician issued a statement saying, “regular, primary preventative care.”

Presidents get physicals once a year so why all the speculation? Because this was unannounced, his last physical was in February, Trump isn’t a picture of health, and he and this White House lie.

Stephanie Grisham, the White House Press Secretary, was indignant as she attacked the press for speculating on the visit and described an incredibly fit president full of energy. I mean, what’s wrong with us that after over 13,000 lies, that we don’t believe this one? Who wouldn’t believe their explanation that Trump is taking his physical in stages?

Personally, I’m kinda surprised part of their defense isn’t that President Volodymyr Zelensky loves that ass.

While it hasn’t been reported if Trump underwent a colonoscopy during his last visit, there are plenty of sycophants who have crawled up that ass.

David Holmes, the political counselor at the U.S. Embassy in Ukraine, testified before Congress in a closed hearing that he overhead Donald Trump speaking to European Union Ambassador Gordon Sondland over an unsecured cell phone. Holmes testified that he could hear Trump ask Sondland if Zelensky was going to investigate his political enemies. Sondland replied he would do anything Trump asks him to do and that “he loves your ass.”

After the call, conducted from a popular restaurant in Kyiv, Ukraine, Sondland told Holmes that Trump didn’t “give a shit” about Ukraine and only cared about the “big stuff” going on in Ukraine. No, not “big stuff” like the war with Russia, but “big stuff” like investigating Joe Biden.

Trump and the people who love his ass lie about everything, big and small, from a routine physical to bribing a foreign president. The more testimony that comes out about his dealings with Ukraine, the more his ass is exposed. The only thing that will save his presidency are the Republicans in Congress who love his ass.

The best thing for this nation will be Trump’s ass getting impeached. And take the rest of him with it.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

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Some Things Are Impeachable


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Here’s your cartoon for CNN’s weekly newsletter, Provoke/Persuade. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday for the rest of your life.

On one of his phone calls with Ukraine’s president, Donald Trump said then-Ambassador to that nation, Marie Yovanovitch, was going to “go through some things.” The man does project.

No real blog for this one. I already wrote one today. I’m tired and I need a few hours off.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

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Poo-Flinging Republicans


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Jim Jordan has a law degree but he never took the bar examination. It’s a good thing, too, because, there are some legal details he doesn’t understand, like corroborating witnesses.

Jordan pointed out that neither William B. Taylor Jr., the top U.S. diplomat in Ukraine, nor George Kent, a deputy assistant secretary of State specializing in Ukrainian matters, had never spoken to Donald Trump. Jordan’s argument was that it makes their testimony moot. Republicans love to compare the impeachment proceedings to a court of law, but corroborating witnesses are used in court all the time.

The other hole in this argument, that no witnesses are testifying who have spoken directly to Trump about the matter, is that it’s Trump who is preventing them from testifying. Republicans really don’t want their bluff called and see Acting Chief-of-Staff Mick Mulvaney or former National Security Adviser John Bolton testify.

Jordan also complained that the whistleblower isn’t testifying. Perhaps if Jordan had taken that bar exam, he’d know the whistleblower is another corroborating witness who isn’t needed on top of all the other corroborating witnesses. Also, maybe he’d realize it’s illegal to expose, intimidate, threaten, or harm a whistleblower. On top of all that, it’s a dick move on his part. But dick moves are all Jim Jordan has.

By the way, Linda Tripp heard it from a friend.

Jordan’s complaint is that Democrats are refusing to let the “guy that started it all” testify, as Republicans want him to do. Democrat Peter Welch replied, “I say to my colleague, I’d be glad to have the person who started it all come in and testify. President Trump is welcome to take a seat right there.” Ouch.

Jordan and Republicans also argued that Donald Trump has done more for Ukraine than Obama. I’m not sure how Obama doing little for Ukraine is a defense for Trump abusing his office, but remember…I didn’t take a bar exam. They pointed out that more money has been directed to Ukraine from Trump than Obama since Russia invaded that nation. They failed to mention that Obama worked to oust Russia from the G-7 as one response, and Trump is trying to invite Putin back. Also, Trump wants to go to Moscow and watch a parade of Russian military weaponry that will probably continue parading all the way down to Crimea. Yeah, they didn’t mention any of that.

Jim Jordan also argued there is no crime here since Trump failed at it. If you’re ever caught robbing a bank, just tell them you failed because you couldn’t find the safe. They’ll let you go. If they don’t, call Jim Jordan.

They argue that Trump released the money he was withholding from Ukraine after he vetted them. The truth is, he released the money that was approved by Congress to help Ukraine defend itself from Russia after the whistleblower made his complaint.

The Republicans were outmatched. All they had were conspiracy theories. They have a defendant who has admitted he pressed a foreign country to help his political campaign. They have Trump on tape asking another foreign nation to investigate his political opponent. They have Rudy Giuliani’s confession he’s asked Ukraine to investigate Trump’s political opponents. They have Mick Mulvaney’s confession there was a quid pro quo and that we should get over it. Now they’re going to have another witness testify he overheard Trump asking the ambassador to the EU, Gordon Sondland, about Ukraine investigating the Bidens.

Republicans made Jordan a temporary member of the House Intelligence Committee because they believe his hard-charging style of being an asshole would be their best defense of Donald Trump from impeachment. Jordan’s job is to scream, yell, ask questions in a shotgun fashion, expose the whistleblower, deflect, confuse the public, and spread Trump’s debunked conspiracy theories. It’s his job to throw poo.

Jim Jordan was an assistant wrestling coach at Ohio State for eight years. He’s been accused of being aware of and not acting on sexual misconduct by a team doctor. Somehow, according to the allegations, the doctor whacked off over 180 times in the shower in front of student-athletes over eight years without Jordan ever hearing about it. But hey, if Dr. Shower Whacker needs someone to ignore the crime and scream at his accusers, Jordan’s his guy.

Maybe Republicans should have brought in a poo-flinging monkey instead of Jordan. At least in the monkey’s defense, he didn’t take the bar exam.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch me draw.