Cruz Crew

Master Debater


cjones05042016

Ted Cruz’s campaign is going so bad, he’s being heckled by children. It’s not entirely new territory since he’s already debated Donald Trump, but still.

A child yelled at Ted Cruz during one of his rallies, “you suck!”. Ted attempted to talk to the child and said that children speaking like that in his house would receive a spanking. The audience wildly applauded the spanking suggestion. What is it with spanking and public bathrooms that get Republicans so excited?

Someone really smart once said “it’s difficult to win an argument with a smart person and damn near impossible with an idiot.” I’m paraphrasing but you get the idea. That’s a lesson I haven’t learned and apparently, neither has Ted Cruz.

Cruz took it upon himself to debate a group of Trump supporters, whose style of arguing mostly consisted of screaming “Lyin’ Ted” to Cruz’s face. It reminded me of every time I attempted to debate with a conservative. You can’t win.

Ted has a speaking style where he pauses in mid sentence. That only encouraged the Trumpsters he was trying to reason with as at one point Ted said “the question is often asked…” he paused and then one of the hecklers interjected to finish his sentence with “are you Canadian.” Good stuff.

Ted Cruz is a good debater. He was lauded for it in college and on the campaign trail. Until he met Trump, all of his previous debating experience was probably with reasonable people.

You might be able to have a discussion and sway the mind of a casual Trump supporter, but not the fully committed (those who should be committed) who wear the gear and attend a Cruz rally to heckle.

I’ve done enough Cruz cartoons over the past week. Hopefully he’s not fully knocked out of the race Tuesday night, which would make me draw another. I’m sure Trump will say something “interesting” tomorrow night.

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Never Trump Powers Colluding


cjones04262016

“Colluding.” That’s a word I got very tired of today.

GOP presidential candidates John Kasich and Ted Cruz are “colluding” to stop Trump. The deal is this: Kasich won’t campaign in Indiana where Republicans are more fundamentalists and insane (I have a little sister and brother there so I know about the insane part) which makes the state more attractive for Cruz. Cruz won’t campaign in New Mexico and Oregon where Republicans are less reactionaries for God so they probably wouldn’t ever go for Cruz. Plus, Cruz is probably afraid of any place with “Mexico” in the name. John Kasich will go anywhere and eat anything. Sometimes he won’t leave.

The two campaigns in this “collusion” state this is to “stop Hillary Clinton.” You know the wildcard teams in the NFC playoffs don’t spend the first round thinking about stopping the AFC champion in the Super Bowl.

So in the states Cruz is bypassing, Kasich should pick up all the non-existent votes Cruz was anticipating. You know nothing equals nothing. I’m sure there’ll be more success in Indiana for Cruz when he picks up the votes of the only two moderate Republicans in the state that were originally going for Kasich. This is a Hail Mary for the Never Trump movement, which views Cruz and Kasich voters as interchangeable.

Here’s a thing about Kasich (other than eating anything placed in front of him. He’s made Chris Christie say “Damn!”): He has fewer delegates than Marco Rubio, who has dropped out of the race. He’s only won one state, which he’s governor of. He thinks he can come in last and despite nobody voting for him, that the party will anoint him their nominee at a brokered convention. And yet, Kasich is dubbed the “reasonable” one of the candidates. Yup, nobody votes for him so sure he’ll do great in the general election.

Here’s the thing about Cruz (other than he’s creepy, nobody likes him and he has to bribe his daughters with Barbie dream houses to play with him): I mentioned nobody likes him and that hasn’t changed. Cruz is extremely intelligent but his narcissism is so extreme that he doesn’t realize the Never Trump movement isn’t a campaign for Cruz. The movement is a campaign to stop Trump and they’re using Cruz. If they were actually able to stop Trump they would drop Cruz faster than you can you say “ew, get that away from me.”

For the Never Trump movement, Cruz, and Kasich to succeed, they need a better message than “never Trump.” Though, the “never Trump” message is a good one, we’re talking about getting through to stupid people. The only other message so far is “Ted Cruz” and “John Kasich.” Nobody likes those messages.

I saw two other cartoons on this issue so far and both had Cruz and Kasich as Batman and Robin. That’s not where I got my idea.

I’m not sure how well this cartoon will be understood as I don’t know if my “audience” is that familiar with The Wonder Twins. “The What Twins?”, you may ask. The Wonder Twins. They were creepy alien twins in matching leotards with Spock ears. Matching leotards? Hell, if one of my siblings bought a T-shirt I owned, I’d throw mine away. Anyway, The Wonder Twins were on Super Friends which was a horrible Saturday morning cartoon back in the day (Do they still have Saturday morning cartoons?). The twins were really lame and a little too dependent on each other, though their relationship was looked on approvingly from Batman and Robin, also fighting crime in their underoos. They were less cool than Aquaman, who talked to fish (while swimming in his green and yellow underwear). Super Friends was brutally bad and the twins had these stupid powers. They had matching rings, in addition to their leotards, and when they touched rings (creepy), they’d shout “Wonder Twins powers….ACTIVATE!”. The girl would turn into an animal of some sort and her brother would turn into an inanimate object. I felt alien dude got the short end of the stick there as his sister would turn into a lion or soaring eagle and he’d turn into a paper weight. I don’t recall how effective they were at fighting Bizarro Superman with those powers.

I don’t remember why I kept watching the cartoon…oh yeah. Wonder Woman. No complaints with her crime-fighting attire.

So you learned about The Wonder Twins today. That and John Kasich will eat anything. He would eat English food. He’d eat at Burger King. Don’t say you never learn nothing when you come here.

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Bathroom Logic


cjones04242016

Isn’t it kinda amazing that Donald Trump is less of a bigot than Ted Cruz? Seriously, what demographic is Ted Cruz aiming for?

Trump said if Caitlyn Jenner, formerly Bruce Jenner, walked into Trump Tower that Jenner could use whichever restroom she chose (I’m going with “she” because that’s how she chooses to be identified) and that he’d be OK with it. That sounds pretty logical and sound to me. What sort of freak sits around eyeballing restrooms anyway?

Well that set off Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz says his daughters are old enough to know the difference between male and female. I’m really glad that the Cruz girls are more enlightened than their father.  I am assuming they saw the differences between the wee-wees and hoo-haas drawn on the walls on the cave they live in.

Here’s the things, folks. Cruz says he doesn’t want little girls in public restrooms with strange men. I don’t blame him. I’m all for that. How about this: If you have young children, don’t leave them in a public restroom alone, whether they are male or female. Don’t talk to strangers…or pee with them. Seriously, Ted? Are you going to let your daughter enter a public restroom while you remain at a table with Heidi chewing on an Angus burger, or whatever hell is required for a troglodyte to eat?

Can the argument against transgenders in public restrooms by Ted Cruz and the likes of him get any dumber? Let’s not put any money on that because it’s very possible it can get dumber, stupider, idiotic, etc.

I have a son. He’s a grown man now but when he was a little boy I wouldn’t let him enter a public restroom alone. That is, unless I was in a public place and could keep an eye on the restroom and was confident he was in there alone. Male? Female? Take care of your kids. Don’t take your eye off them in public, even when they’re not in a public restroom. I never knew Republicans and Conservatives were in the practice of letting their younglings leave their eyesight and wee in public. Who knew? The argument you’re presenting now only reveals you are crappy parents. Mr. Rogers would be disappointed.

Ted Cruz, you’re a demagogic asstwat. Stop labeling people and being, well, you. Nobody likes you and this is why. How terrible of a person are you that Donald Trump makes more logic in comparison?

Hold your children’s hands. Keep your eye on them. A pervert or pedophile does not have to pretend to be the opposite sex to make something terrible happen. Bad things can happen. Be a parent and make sure it doesn’t. Don’t run a presidential campaign on the logic that you’re going to defend every American preteen from pervos, because frankly, Ted, if I had to trust my child’s security with you, I’d move to Canada, or Mexico, or anywhere on this planet to get away from the likes of you. I am not trustTED and I don’t trust you.

I would not want my daughter, or son,  in a public restroom along with a strange man…or a strange woman. I especially wouldn’t want them alone with a Republican.

Ted Cruz and the ilk that follows you, you suck. You are the bottom dwellers of society and I hope you fade away into obscurity. That’s where the likes of you belong. If Donald Trump has greater logic than you on any issue, you don’t belong in the national discussion.

Teddy Boy, when you discuss this issue, the same way you discuss any issue, you reveal you’re not a deep or logical thinker. Basically, you’re an idiot. I do not want an idiot president. Even the idiot we had as president between 2000 and 2008 wasn’t as big of an idiot as you. You need to go away. 2016 is a little past the time of your mindset. You don’t belong here in the present and you definitely are not a part of our future.

Ted Cruz, I am better than you. Everyone I know is better than you. The United States of America is better than you. This planet is better than you. You need to go away. I’m sure there’s a hole somewhere with your name on it. If not, I will dig one and plant your name on it and send you an invitation to burrow and never be heard from again. I’m tired of you and your kind. It’s time to go away.

Never Trump? I’m down with that. But I’m much more energetic with “Never Cruz.”

Never Cruz.

By the way: This cartoon was drawn on my tablet with the stylus which is why it may not look like my regular cartoons.

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Losing With Grace


cjones04072016

Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders won their respective primaries in Wisconsin. They each won by healthy margins. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump both responded to their losses. Not sure if John Kasich made a statement but he’s not important anymore anyway, so nobody cares.

Clinton sent out a statement congratulating Sanders while still touting her lead. Candidates do that. They keep hope alive with their supporters.

Donald Trump issued a statement also. His was less than cordial. His read:

Donald J. Trump withstood the onslaught of the establishment yet again. “Lyin’ Ted Cruz had the Governor of Wisconsin, many conservative talk radio show hosts, and the entire party apparatus behind him. Not only was he propelled by the anti-Trump Super PAC’s spending countless millions of dollars on false advertising against Mr. Trump, but he was coordinating with his own Super PAC’s (which is illegal) who totally control him. Ted Cruz is worse than a puppet— he is a Trojan horse, being used by the party bosses attempting to steal the nomination away from Mr. Trump. We have total confidence that Mr. Trump will go on to win in New York, where he holds a substantial lead in all the polls, and beyond.”

Yes, I’m surprised as you. Trump knows the big word “apparatus.” 

There’s many things wrong with his statement. First he starts by bragging about himself. Then he goes into “Lyin’ Ted.” Classy. Then he accuses the guy of violating election laws before he goes back to calling him a name again, trojan horse. But you know what? He’s not entirely wrong.

The establishment is backing Cruz, the candidate who once billed himself as anti establishment. Of course, he also insulted all of New York and he’s now in that state groveling for votes and trying to sell that his “New York Values” comment meant something other than an attack on all New Yorkers (or Jews).

The establishment, talk radio guys, and the entire party’s “apparatus” are backing Cruz and trying to prevent Trump from acquiring the number of delegates he needs to secure the nomination. They don’t care if Cruz gets the delegates needed (and they probably don’t want him to either. They’re pretty confidant he can’t). The mission is to stop Trump and that’s it. When the convention rolls around they will toss Cruz aside. Ted Cruz does not know this yet as the man is not humble and is oblivious to obvious things.

I don’t expect Trump, Cruz, or even Kasich (snicker) to be the Republican nominee. They will recruit Paul Ryan, who insists he doesn’t want it like he insisted he didn’t want to be Speaker of the House.

That may not come true but I have another prediction where I’m very confidant: The next two weeks with the candidates battling in New York, the center of the media universe, is going to be a total blast for me. I wish I was there.

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Another Cruz Conquest


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Ever since the National Enquirer reported that Ted Cruz is a Senatorial stud muffin and has had five affairs, the presidential candidate has not denied ever having an affair.

Oh sure, he’s had righteous indignation which he delivers with a plagiarized script, but no denial. So I was thinking someone should ask him if he’s ever boinked the governor of Alabama. Sorry for putting that terrible image in your head.

Ted Cruz is not someone anybody wants to picture getting busy in the bedroom. Neither is Republican Alabama governor Robert Bentley. To make matters even worse, recordings of Bentley have been released of him talking dirty. Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Bentley is a governor with a deacon persona. Recently his wife filed for divorce and then the recordings between him and his political adviser, Rebekah Mason (who had also served as his campaign manager), were leaked.

Now there’s all sorts of illicit details concerning the governor. Stuff like the governor hiring private jets to avoid a passenger manifest, purchasing “burner” phones, sharing a safety deposit box with Mason, and paying her through a 501 (c)(4) organization instead of having her on the state payroll.

So maybe a reporter can ask Senator Cruz if he’s ever “winked, winked, nudge nudge” with the Alabama governor. If for no reason other than sheer amusement. That can keep us entertained until the D.C. madam’s lawyer releases a huge lists of her clients next week which supposedly will have consequences on the presidential election. Oh you didn’t know about that? Yeah, that’s about to happen.

All I can say to that is “woo hoo!”

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Republican Loyalty


cjones04012016

I hate to use a cliche but a Republican loyalty pledge isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. For the love of God, this loyalty pledge was the very first question at the very first Republican debate. Now they’re all breaking it?

The GOP has been freaking out and in full-rage panic mode for the past few months. They are extremely afraid Donald Trump will be their nominee and not just lose the presidency, but lose the Senate and House in the process.

For months Ted Cruz has been running as an anti-establishment candidate. Today the establishment is coalescing around him and you don’t hear Ted bash the establishment anymore. The establishment is so fearful of Trump that their hero is Ted Cruz.

I don’t think they’re looking beyond the poll numbers of Trump versus Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders. Yes, the GOP stands to lose big with a Trump nomination but they could be in the same nasty chunky brown water with Cruz.

Nobody likes Cruz except for extremely scary people. The people who are scarier than those falling for Cruz as a last resort are those who loved the guy at the start of the race. When Cruz is in a race one-on-one with one of the Democrats his record and stance on the issues will have a brighter spotlight and nobody sane is going to like it.

This brings us to the Loyalty Pledge. At the beginning of the race the GOP was afraid of the possibility of Trump running an independent campaign in the general election if he didn’t win the nomination. So they came up with the Loyalty Pledge which each candidate signed swearing they would support the eventual nominee. Of course none of these freaks expected that nominee to be Super Freak. They expected him to implode at any time and yeah, we all did. He hasn’t.

It’s not just the current candidates who sucks at a promise. Many of those who dropped out threaten they won’t support Trump (except for Christie and Carson). All this after making a big deal about how Trump wouldn’t keep his word.

Trump can’t be counted on keeping his word but let’s throw him out of the mix since he’s a maniac and a pathological liar. Trump has promised, broken the promise, came back to re promise, then broke it and I’ve lose count. Look at the other two candidates.

John Kasich and Ted Cruz signed the thing. Kasich is saying he can’t support Trump and he’s probably not that crazy about supporting Cruz. Ted Cruz says he can’t support Trump, a man who has insulted his wife.

I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to support Donald Trump. I blame them for breaking their word. Ted Cruz was in love with Donald Trump. He was Trump’s remora, clinging to the side of his campaign and swimming in his wake to eat up his sloppy leftovers. The man couldn’t say enough nice things about Trump. Now he doesn’t like him. What changed? Did Trump just suddenly become a crazy, offensive human being last week? No. This isn’t new. Ted Cruz being a sleazy lying opportunistic piece of crap isn’t new either.

These guys like to talk about how Hillary lies. She is not the most honest candidate and frankly I’m not looking forward to a scandal plagued Clinton administration (real scandals with cabinet members having affairs, dallying with prostitutes, and hiring illegals from Ecuador. Not those fake Obama scandals Republicans create. The Clintons surround themselves with very shady people like Dick Morris). What would be supremely worse would be a Cruz, Trump or Kasich administration where they can’t keep any promise, except for those that destroy the nation like putting a Bork on the Court. It won’t matter if they swear on the Bible when they take their oath. I promise they will destroy the country.

I’m looking forward to the brokered convention when this pledge comes into play. Trump may not be the nominee as his party can change the rules, thus voiding out all the primary results. They’re in love with Cruz right now to keep Trump from getting enough delegates. Watch these traitors turn on Cruz at the convention and nominate someone who can wage a campaign and stop the bleeding against the Democrats.  The GOP may have secretly given up on the White House in 2016 and be fighting to keep Congress.

What’s the point of a loyalty pledge if you don’t have to keep it? What’s the point of believing in any of their promises if they can’t keep the most simple one? What is the point of giving us candidates you can’t believe in? I repeat, this was their very first promise at the very first debate. If you can’t keep your first promise you can’t be counted on to keep any.

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Angry Birds


cjones03272016

Are Angry Birds still a thing? Is the game still popular? Are you still receiving annoying invites to play on Facebook?

During a speech in Portland Friday a bird flew into the auditorium and landed on Bernie Sanders’ podium. No pun intended, but Twitter went crazy and #BirdieSanders is still trending.

Talk about an opposite dialogue. People are charmed and amused by a bird landing on Sanders’ podium. Many think it’s analogous of the man and his campaign, which is the point my cartoon is taking.

Meanwhile on the Republican side of things….ugh. Do you have a barf bag? We have Ted Cruz stealing lines from the movie An American President to script his anger at Donald Trump. I think Cruz confused Michael Douglas movies and intended to quote Wall Street. We have a debate on Ted Cruz’s sex life. Seriously.. Donald Trump is back to insulting women. Ted is upset at particular women being insulted but not all. Hey, where are these guys and their outrage when someone makes a really bad vulgar joke about Hillary Clinton’s or Michelle Obama’s physical appearance? Hypocrites.

Back to nicer stuff for a day: The bird thing was really cute. Even I can appreciate something nice and sweet occasionally…and then I’ll destroy it with vultures and flying monkeys. The audience in Portland loved it too and roared with approval. I also learned today that it really ties in with the TV show Portlandia, which I have never seen.

I love birds. I worked in a zoo once (in another lifetime) and working in the birdhouse was part of my duties. I started every morning feeding the birds at 5:00 AM and I usually finished by noon. There were a lot of birds and they all had a different diet. You’d be surprised by how many birds are meat eaters. I’m talking about worms to raw red meat (usually horse meat). The flamingos were some of my favorites as I would make them follow and go where I needed them by clapping my hands. We also had a few primates in the bird house (we weren’t a well coordinated zoo) and I had to feed and clean after them too. Basically it was like feeding a bunch of raccoons.

My first idea for this cartoon was going to involve two panels (like it still does). In the first panel it would state “birds love Sanders.” and in the next panel it would read “Trump loves the bird” and Donald would be flipping his middle finger. Then I saw some people make comments similar to my idea on social media. What really killed it for me was seeing an amateur cartoonist draw the same idea…and pretty well too. So that obvious idea went into my garbage pail along with the Sharpie and correction fluid pen I killed last night.

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