Comics

Saved To Death By The LDS


utah11152015

I drew this for The Independent in St. George, Utah.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons) decided that children of gay parents cannot receive a naming blessing or be baptized until they’re 18. As can be expected, there’s a firestorm over this and a fear of mass resignations from the church. Mass resignations? How many gay Mormons can there be? Dozens? I don’t get it … but hey, there are gay Republicans out there too, so go figure.

Now the church has issued a statement that the policy applies “only to those children whose primary residence is with a couple living in a same-gender marriage or similar relationship.” So if you’re one of those part-time kids who lives with straight mom and new dad and only lives with gay dad and his new friend Stan on weekends, then the church says you’re cool. You’re only slightly icky but not enough to be dehumanized by God.

They also said the policy will not apply retroactively to children in a same-sex household who have already been baptized. Now I’m not very religious (OK, I’m not religious at all), but I was raised going to churches (yes, plural), and I don’t know how they can go about unbaptizing someone. How do you undunk someone’s head in the water?

After a child who’s been refused a blessing and baptism has reached the age of 18, he or she can receive a baptism. That is, if he or she disavows same-sex cohabitation (guys doing it to other guys … or girls and girls). Of course, they’ll have to receive approval from the church’s governing First Presidency, who will make sure that none of the gay stuck to the child. Maybe they should add some bleach to the baptism water, you know, just to make sure they’re really cleansed.

The LDS’s message is one of “We want you, we want your financial support, but we don’t recognize you as a human being and will use policy to dehumanize you … but God bless you.” Basically, the church values you the same as a pre-1978 black guy.

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Operation Racial Slur


cjones11122015

Is the inclusion of a racial slur in this cartoon offensive? Well it’s not as offensive as the United States government.

In the 1940’s the U.S. government deported Mexican immigrants in a program officially titled “Operation Wetback.” Mexico was a huge part of it.

During World War II the U.S. suffered from a labor shortage. Rosie The Riveter couldn’t compensate for the entire workforce. So in an arrangement with the United States Mexico sent workers to the U.S. in what was called the “Bracero Program” which allowed 4.6 million Mexicans to enter the U.S. legally (many still entered illegally as there were hefty fees involved). It was their contribution to the Allied effort to defeat the Axis and it helped Mexico not put any fighters or money into the effort. A few years after the war Mexico wanted those workers back, we wanted them gone, and a lot of them didn’t want to go. Thus the inspiration for Operation Wetback.

The program was initiated in President Eisenhower’s administration and it was a huge disaster. After being deported many immigrants just walked back. The Border Patrol started shaving immigrants’ heads before deportation so they’d know if they were repeat offenders.

It was a disaster. Estimates put the number of deportations at 250,000. Many immigrants were beaten and abused. Many were simply dropped into a desert, without food or water, and without knowing where they were or how to get home (imagine being from the U.S. East Coast and being dropped off in the Nevada Desert. Good luck getting home). One incident resulted in 88 immigrants’ death from heat stroke after being dropped off in the desert. A Mexican labor leader reported that Braceros were brought into Mexico like cows on trucks and unloaded fifteen miles down the highway from the border, in the desert. Others were deported on ships where a congressional investigation compared the conditions on the ships to that of an “eighteenth century slave ship.

During the fourth Republican debate Donald trump expressed he wants to emulate the program. Trump said Eisenhower “moved immigrants just beyond the border; they came back. Moved them again beyond the border; they came back. Didn’t like it. Moved them way south; they never came back. Dwight Eisenhower. You don’t get nicer, you don’t get friendlier.”

Trump’s inspiration is one of America’s greatest sins that’s comparable to the government’s internment of Japanese Americans, which a lot of people still say was the right thing to do.

This is where the blog gets long so I don’t blame you if you quit reading here…or start here. I don’t care.

I took a lot from the debate from Trump saying Americans are paid too much, Rubio saying Welders make more than philosophers, Carson’s claim that every time the minimum wage is increased that we lose jobs (and every candidate opposing a minimum wage increase). Dr. Carson, where I come from that’s called a lie.

Carly Fiorina jabbed at Trump, saying she too has met Vladimir Putin except it wasn’t in a green room. Actually it was in a green room. She also has some really dumb ideas to deal with Putin like putting missiles in Poland, conducting military exercises in the Balkans, and increasing our troops strength in Germany (like a few thousand more will make an impression), and never ever ever returning his phone calls. What’s scariest though is she wants to shoot down Russian jets. She said no one should tell America when and where it can fly, but thinks the U.S. can tell others when and where to fly. Fiorina also asked at one point “Can I say something as a chief executive who’s saved jobs and created jobs?” No. She can’t.

Marco Rubio really wants to go to war. First thing, Marco, we’re not in danger of being defeated by ISIS. In fact, ISIS is not a major threat to the United States. I know many people believe that’s a bold statement but I’m dealing with reality. He also wants to rebuild the military which makes me wonder what’s wrong with it now? We have the world’s strongest and largest military. We spend more than the next ten countries combined (Rand Paul pointed that out and it’s true). I really don’t want this 44-year-old guy who’s never served sending our people overseas into a war zone because he’s played Call Of Duty too many times. It also shows he really doesn’t care about spending. When Rand Paul questioned Rubio’s conservatism over his willingness to spend on wars, Rubio answered with “Murica!!!”. Pretty much.

Other takes are: Jeb Bush didn’t hurt himself this time. He didn’t help himself either but at least he didn’t set up a Rubio mic drop. Unfortunately, he wasn’t asked any questions about what babies he’d like to kill, other than Baby Hitler, while time traveling.

Ben Carson was difficult to comprehend and reminded me of the aliens in The Simpson’s running for president when one said “we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!” His policy on Syria, for example, was to make the Jihadists “look like losers” and “we’ll win.” I think he should get a “gotcha” question and be asked to locate Syria on a map, or the Middle East, or his ass. He claims his plan will work because he’s talked to generals. I wonder if it’s the same general who offered him a scholarship at West Point.

Bobby Jindal really thinks he’s been good for Louisiana. Huckabee is scary. Ted Cruz is scarier and really creepy and for Republicans that’s a really good thing. The guy, along with Jindal and Huckabee, is fresh returned from a I-Hate-Gays rally, hosted by a pastor who’s advocated the merely “politically-incorrect” stance that we should copy Uganda’s kill-gay-people policy. Cruz is that guy waiting for the girl to get her heart broken by the good looking guy (which compared to Cruz could be anyone) and cry on his shoulder while realizing she should just settle for Cruz. And he’ll never cheat on her with Kim Davis…probably. He’ll also eliminate the Commerce Department twice.

Most pundits believe Rubio and Cruz won the debate. Has anyone but me noticed Rubio gives a stern, stubborn, serious look with each answer and talks down condescendingly as if he’s the only one who loves America? Just me? OK then, am I the only one wonder how much product is in his hair?

John Kasich gave another great audition for the V.P. slot.

Rand Paul was actually honest and said a few things the red meat craving audience didn’t like. He opposed senseless wars and a bloated defense budget. He’s totally screwed.

Obvious my biggest takeaway was Trump’s enthusiasm for hating Mexicans. He should look into that.

A Caffeinated War On Christmas


cjones11102015

It’s very bizarre to me that the group who says people should stop being so easily offended and politically correct goes ballistic when they receive a cup with nothing on it.

Sometimes we’re a really dumb country. One presidential candidate brags about attacking his mother with a hammer and trying to stab another relative while another candidate is saying if he could go back in time he’d kill baby Hitler. What’s even weirder is that neither of those candidates are Donald Trump.

Now religious freaks are up in arms over a cup that doesn’t have jingle bells on it.

Starbucks, like most establishments, issues assorted packaging with holiday decorations on them. This year they issued a red cup without any decorations. Conservatives have taken this as the first shot in the annual War On Christmas. Instead of going to another establishment that may serve expensive coffee in a Jesus cup they would rather make viral videos bemoaning that a cup has ruined their holiday. They’re also upset that there’s a mall that hasn’t put up a Christmas tree.

Is it too much to ask for Thanksgiving and Black Friday to get by us before we have ridiculous arguments about how much of your religion has to be shoved in society’s face? Apparently it is too much to ask.

This is very much a First World problem. While some in the world are starving, trying to escape a civil war, trying to survive, we have the luxury to argue over a cup.

Sometimes I have a hard time choosing which issue I’m going to draw because I can only tackle one ridiculous problem at a time.

Happy holidays!

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Lies! Lies! Lies! Yeah!


cjones11092015

How ridiculous is it that a candidate’s argument that he’s an honest man, is that he’s telling the truth when he says he really attacked his mother with a hammer? Let’s take him at his word on that one and believe he really did attack his mother with a hammer. OK, Dr. Carson. I believe you. You attacked your mom with a hammer. You say you’ve changed. I’ll believe that. But I’m still not voting for a psychopath who attacked his mother with a hammer.

Ben Carson has said some stupid things like people turn gay in prison, or the pyramids were build to store grain, or Muslims can’t be president, people should rush shooters, Evolution was created by Satan, armed Jews would have prevented the Holocaust, Noah’s amateur built Ark versus professionally built Titanic, or the Founding Fathers didn’t have political experience. Those aren’t lies. Those are just examples of him being bat-crap crazy. Well that Founding Father thing is either a lie or sheer stupidity and ignorance.

Ben Carson has a bigger problem. He’s pathological when it comes to lying. You can defend him by saying all candidates lie. That’s not a defense. Yes, most candidates lie. Most do it to pad their resume and they usually come clean when caught. Not Ben Carson. Ben Carson doesn’t have a fabrication or two. He’s habitual. And he doubles down. Who does he think is? Bill O’Reilly?

One of Carson’s defenses is using a clipping from a parody. He claims there was a fake test while he was at Yale. All the other students walked out and then he was told there wasn’t a test, it was a hoax, here’s a $10 reward and let’s take your photo for the school newspaper. The Wall Street Journal, a conservative publication, can’t find proof. He offers proof with an article from the Yale Record, and it’s labeled at the top “PARODY.” Next the guy’s going to cite The Onion as basis of proof, or even worse….Fox News, The Daily Caller, Brietbart, etc. No wonder these guys can’t tell the difference between news and satire.

Carson has now lashed out at the media and has even said the burden is not on him to prove everything he says is true. Who gave him a liar get out of jail free card? Republicans get mad when what they say is looked into to.

He also deflects by saying Obama’s background wasn’t vetted this way. On that point: Hey, Crazy Ben, can we see your college transcripts and birth certificate?

It’s hard to keep track of Carson’s lies at this point. It’s to the point where I’m trying to go a day without drawing on Ben Carson. Whether Carson is making up stories about a fake test at Yale, receiving scholarship offers, meeting dead Generals, attacking family members with hammers and knives, attacking others with rocks, bricks and baseball bats, telling a gunman he wants the guy behind the counter, or hiding white students from black students during a riot. I wonder what new Carson lie will make news tomorrow.

You would think a candidate who lies like this would be damaged goods. With 13 other candidates to choose from you can find a Republican to support without the insanity baggage. So why are Republicans circling the wagons around Carson? It’s because when a candidate lies it damages their support. With Carson his lies are the reason he’s supported. Every qualification this man has offered as his requirement to be president has been proven a lie. Being a great surgeon is not a qualification to be president (it can be a positive). Each thing a supporter can give to support Carson, is a Carson lie.

Guess what happens when you tie yourself to an anchor? Hillary Clinton is elected president, that’s what happens.

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Ben Carson And A Grain Of Truth


cjones11072015

There’s something going on with Ben Carson. Liberals are playing with theories. They range from the man is brilliant but maybe an idiot savant, he only knows one thing but he knows it’s really well, he’s a freaking idiot, he’s a sociopath. Carson supporters tend to ignore it.

News came out Dr. Carson stated seven years ago that the Egyptian pyramids were not built to serve as tombs, but to store grain. You would think if you Googled “Carson” and “Pyramid” that the word “scheme” would show up. But anyway, It’s a God thing for Carson. I really don’t like to disrespect anyone’s faith but it’s hard when people use it to justify their stupidity.

Intelligent people are actually having to spend time explaining why this ridiculous Pyramid belief is not true. But does Carson still feel that way? You bet he does. He doubled down on it. He also stated that many scientists believe aliens built the pyramids. Now I don’t think the man knows what is a scientist.

Let’s waste a little space and play with crazy: The pyramids are not hollow. Scientists don’t believe aliens built them. The Egyptians actually wrote what the Pyramids were for. The Pyramids purpose is not a mystery. It’s not Stonehenge but someone should ask Dr. Carson about that. Maybe he’ll say Jesus built them as a testament that gay people shouldn’t be allowed to sing karaoke.

Today many people are thinking Carson is crazy, yet it may not be the most baffling thing he’s claimed.

This man has stated he’s qualified to serve as president because the Titanic, which sank, was built by professionals. Noah’s Ark was built by amateurs. Got a headache yet? The Titanic was real. Noah’s Ark is mythology. And I don’t care how much God has faith in guy, I’d rather take a Carnival cruise than ride on a wooden boat built by a 300-year-old man.

He’s also stated people go into prison straight and come out gay.

He claims he never had an involvement with a company selling snake oil despite being paid by them to give speeches and being prominently featured on their website.

He’s stated Obamacare is worse than slavery. That’s red meat for Republicans.

He believes Fox News has saved the United States from becoming another Cuba.

He doesn’t understand the debt ceiling. He’s believes Congress can remove Supreme Court Justices if they rule an opinion the majority of citizens don’t like.

While saying people should rush shooters he described an incident when he had a gun pulled on him in a Baltimore Popeyes (which he did not rush and told the gunman he needed to rob the man behind the counter). The Baltimore police say they can’t verify the incident ever happened.

Speaking of being unable to verify stuff Carson claims: He says he was violent when he was younger. He attacked his mother once and his brother pulled him off. He attacked people with rocks, bricks and baseball bats. He once attempted to stab as fellow student when he was a teenager. CNN tried talked to people who knew Carson when he was younger and not one person can remember him ever being a hostile person. It’s called lying.

A lot of conservatives have this narrative that Obama came out of nowhere. That nobody knew him when he was younger, as a kid, as a high school or college student. That’s really not true but they still believe it. It will be interesting to see how these people handle Carson’s fictional violent childhood as a member of The Warriors.

I don’t know what’s funnier. The stuff Carson says or the fact he’s leading in a lot of polls.

I’m OK with Carson and Trump leading the polls. If Republicans are too stupid to nominate someone with real talent, and a real danger of winning, like Marco Rubio then that’s fine with me.

Update: I would say I have good timing, except a Ben Carson lie can come out on any given day. Now it turns out he lied about being offered a scholarship to West Point. As it turns out, there’s no record of him even applying for a scholarship must less being offered one. In fact, there’s no such thing as a “full scholarship” which is what Carson wrote he was offered in his book. His campaign is actually admitting it’s not true. Carson is also lashing out at the media for looking into his past and claims he’s made. How dare reporters report. Can’t the man just make crap up and get away with it? What’s wrong with society that we can’t just take a candidate for president at his word?

One of the crazy things I wanted to mention about Carson (and I forgot because there’s so many) is his claim that none of the signers of the Declaration Of Independence had any experience to elected office. As facts work out (those pesky facts), out of the 51 signers, 27 are proven to have served in elected office. Math was my weakest subject but I’m pretty sure 27 is a lot more than none.

Houston, We Have A Toilet


cjones11062015

It’s not every day I get to draw people sitting on toilets. Newspaper editors typically frown on bathroom humor.

I hate scapegoating. I really hate fear mongering and scaring the population as a technique to drum up votes.

I am not comparing anyone to Nazis, but we all know that’s what they did. They didn’t invent it. We scapegoated in America long before Hitler was born. We blamed African Americans, or used them to scare the population.

Voters were warned about freeing blacks. Then they were warned about them voting. People were murdered to keep blacks from voting. After that it was sharing classrooms and soldiers had to be called so children could walk into a school. Of course along the way there were warnings about what would happen to society if interracial marriage became legal. Some people still have issues with that. A family member told me recently that a mixed child (also in our family) won’t be accepted by society. When I pointed out the president as a fine example to prove her wrong that just kind of went over her head. I don’t just piss off readers. I piss off people I’m related to and they stop talking to me. But I digress.

We graduated to fear mongering about Mexicans. We’re still doing that except there’s softer language for it, though it’s not very subtle. Instead of screaming about race or skin color we use the code words “illegal immigrants” as if people are illegal.

There’s hardly anything subtle about Islamophobia. People will tell you that it’s an evil religion and they want to kill all of us, or make us convert to Islam. They will enact Sharia law. Don’t let them build a mosque in your town. We hate Muslims so much that occasionally we’ll beat up a Sikh because you can never be too careful.

Scapegoating people who are poor is still awesome for some people. Poor people blame poor people. They want drug tests for anyone on welfare, like that’s going to change your life. Even after results prove it’s a waste of time people still love the program. I hate you so you should have to pee in a cup. Leave your dignity at the door, freeloader.

And did you hear about the gays? They’re going to make you gay if we accept people being gay as something normal. Gay marriage will somehow ruin your straight marriage. let’s not forget that we can’t let them adopt because they’ll raise gay children.

Pointless blame, hate, and fear has always been stupid but yesterday it achieved new heights in absurdity.

Houston is the largest city in the country without a law making it illegal to fire someone for the simple fact they’re gay. Yeah. Tuesday the voters in that city voted against an anti-discrimination measure. What was the biggest campaign against the measure? Bathrooms. Yes. Public bathrooms. Opponents waged a campaign that men would disguise themselves as women, or as transgenders, and creep into women’s public restrooms to take a gander. They even had an all star baseball player doing commercials where he said “booga booga freaks in bathrooms booga booga.” He said he was afraid for his daughters safety to urinate in public. Who in the Hell is letting little children go to a public restroom alone anyway? Is this a thing in Texas?

Here’s the point. I have never seen security at a public restroom. I haven’t seen any measure to prevent a freak from going into a restroom other than that man/woman symbol on the doors. I don’t think any law is going to invite people with super odd fetishes to stage a freak parade into a public bathroom. The problem doesn’t really exist.

Yeah, there’s people out there with strange fetishes but I’m going to go out on a limb and say most people feel the way I do, and that is there’s nothing exciting about seeing anyone sitting on a toilet.

Ooh la la, I don’t think so.

Blazing Paranoia


cjones11052015

Earlier this week a fan on social media shared one of my cartoons and said it was “Monty Pythonesque.” That’s high praise.  Today I decided to steal from Mel Brooks’ movie Blazing Saddles. A true classic.

Obama wants to reform the judicial system. He’s not the only one. A lot of Republicans want to also, though they might want to go about it differently.

The president has ordered the release of 6,000 non-violent prisoners convicted of drug charges. Releasing 6,000 will not make much of a dent in our prison population. And despite the fears of a lot of conservatives like Bill O’Reilly, it’s not a threat to society.

The United States has the largest prison population in the world. Many of those are non-violent drug users. This is insane. Rehabilitation for many of these prisoners would be a lot more cost effective, and better suited for prisoners and society, than sitting in a cell.

We do need to reform our judicial system. There are three parts I believe in.

We need to legalize marijuana. It’s no more of a threat than alcohol and it’s not a gateway drug or something that kills people or ruin lives.

We need to end mandatory sentencing. Judging should be left to judges, not legislators.

We need to end private prisons. No one should be making a profit in punishing people. What’s next? For profit executions?

Back to this prisoner release: Some of them will end up back in prison. You can’t have a group of 6,000 of group without someone getting in trouble. It’s going to happen and then look for the likes of Bill O’Reilly to paint it as a Willie Horton situation.

O’Reilly played the race card. He says there’s a racial component for Obama to release these prisoners. On a recent show of his he said this is driven by race with Barack Obama. I know it is. I know it’s race: The cops are huntin’ down inner-city black dealers. They don’t care about the white collar dealers. That’s what’s motivating this.

This is why everyone who watches Fox News is angry. They need to stop scaring old white people like that.

Here’s a couple of roughs I played around with before I settled on my final idea.

WP_20151103_001 WP_20151104_001

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Boots On The Ground


cjones11032015

Obama has stated 16 times that the United States would not put “boots on the ground” in Syria. In each of those 16 times he used the term “boots on the ground.” Now they’re putting boots on the ground while stating it’s not actually boots on the ground.

That’s going to take a lot of explaining.