Chris Christie

Son Of A Beach


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You really can’t blame Chris Christie too much for wanting to go to the beach on his day off from making Big Mac runs for Donald Trump. You also might consider it in the public’s best interest to close the beach if Christie plans to wear a Speedo. Nevertheless, it’s really bad optics to exercise your privilege while the beaches are closed to the public.

New Jersey’s state government had a shutdown (that was resolved Monday night) because Governor Christie and the legislature couldn’t come to an agreement over the state budget. The shutdown closed many state services, including state parks which Island Beach is one of. This left the beach to be enjoyed by Christie and his family alone.

Contrary to popular belief, some beaches in Jersey are nice. Not all of them are littered with hypodermic needles and used diapers.

Christie first tried to deny he was on the beach. He replied “no” when a reporter asked him if he got any sun. A spokesman later said he wasn’t lying, and gave a Trumponian Kelly Conway type of explanation that he was wearing a baseball cap.

Christie later argued that he wasn’t going to cancel weeks of planning because of the shutdown. Screw New Jersey families’ plans, as long as the governor gets to be a bum in the sun. There is an official governor’s residence on the island and Christie said, “that’s just the way it goes. Run for governor, and you can have a residence.”

Christie has never exercised good judgement optics. We’re all familiar with “BridgeGate,” where his staff shutdown a heavily used bridge to punish a political opponent.

In the past he’s told constituents who were questioning him to “sit down and shut up.” In the past he’s used a state helicopter to attend his son’s baseball game. He was spotted celebrating a Dallas Cowboys’ victory in owner Jerry Jones’ luxury sky box (never mind the bad taste of being a New Jersey Cowboys fan….or a Cowboys fan from anywhere).

That sort of judgement is why Christie’s presidential run was a joke, and he was left endorsing Trump and making Big Mac runs for the man who would eventually deny his bid to be his vice president. Today, his approval rating is the lowest of any governor in the nation at 15%. Chris Christie is less popular than Gonorrhea from Ted Cruz.

In 2008, Republicans nationwide wanted Christie to run for President. Today, they still want him to run, not for president but somewhere out of camera site and public office.

Chris Christie has spent his time as governor giving himself privileges. The citizens of New Jersey will be privileged when he leaves office.

Creative Notes: I always liked the seagulls in Finding Nemo. When the movie was new, I was at a poker game and I would quote those nasty birds each time I won a hand and collected the pot with “mine, mine, mine.” That ceased to be amusing about the tenth time I did it and I stopped when someone threatened to stick something sharp into my jugular. But I still found it funny. Seagulls really are nasty birds and just flying vermin. I still kinda like them though.

I’m not sure if readers will be that familiar with the seagulls saying “mine,”  and a friend couldn’t remember anything about them when I asked her. But I was too tickled by this not to do it. I didn’t tell her my idea but I’ll show this to her later today when a bunch of us are grilling.

If you see another cartoonist steal this idea, just remember that it’s mine, mine, mine, mine.

Happy Independence Day.

It’s really hard being a one-man syndicate when editors (who receive death threats from Trump supporters) are afraid of cartoons with opinions, while I’m also competing against other syndicates with dozens of cartoonists (who offer lots of right-wing cartoons and the kind without any opinions). So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $50 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

 

 

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Once, Twice, Three Times A BLEEP Sandwich


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Today’s blog entry is going to contain the word “shit” about a dozen times, so if you’re offended by that sort of thing then you might wanna wander over to something a bit less tawdry. Sorry for smutting up the internet today.

When Robert Harward refused Trump’s offer to become his national security adviser he declined and cited his current job and time with his family. Friends of his report that he said no because the offer was a “shit sandwich.”

Last week when Chris Christie visited the White House for dinner Trump told everyone to order whatever they want, but he and Chris were going to have the meatloaf. I’m sorry, what?

There’s nothing wrong with a good meatloaf. I make a killer meatloaf. But if a kitchen’s best offering is meatloaf then you’re gonna wanna find another place to eat. Also, Donald Trump eats Big Macs, KFC, and burned steak that’s probably served with ketchup. Do you really want his culinary recommendations?

Chris Christie didn’t eat the meatloaf. Christie ate the shit sandwich. Christie has been eating the shit sandwich ever since he dropped out of the presidential race and endorsed Trump.

Christie, a current governor of a genuine state, has made runs to McDonald’s for Trump. That’s a shit sandwich. He obediently left an event and got on a plane to go home once when Trump told him too. That’s another shit sandwich. He was going to be Trump’s vice president. Once again, shit sandwich. He was leading Trump’s transition team but was kicked out of that position. Maybe we’ll try something other than…nope. Shit sandwich. Christie has been eating a lot of shit sandwiches.

Finally it looked like he was about to get some respect. He was invited to the White House for dinner with the president. That’s usually a high compliment and an acknowledgement that you’re really important, even if that president is Donald Trump. But Christie didn’t get the respect. Instead what he got was being emasculated once again by The Donald.

Trump didn’t want him to eat the meatloaf because it was so damn good. He wanted to show the other guests that Christie would do whatever he tells him to do. He was told to eat the shit sandwich.

Have you ever been told by a friend while at a restaurant that you should order something particular that they loved? They swear it’s awesome. That establishment makes the best Reuben sandwich ever. You believe them and say I’m sure it’s great but I’m more in the mood for the burger tonight. You’re not insulting them. You’re just not a poodle. You eat what you want to eat. Not what people tell you to eat unless it’s your mother (and I don’t care how old you are. If mom fixes you something to eat you better eat it. I don’t care if it’s someone else’s mom. You’re eating it).

Not Chris Christie. Now in Christie’s defense he’ll probably eat anything. But if you’re at the White House and you have choices are you going to eat the meatloaf on your only visit? I can see eating the meatloaf if it’s your tenth trip and you want to change things up. I don’t see eating the meatloaf because Trump commands it. If I went there wanting meatloaf and Trump told me to eat meatloaf, I’d order something else. I’d order chicken and dumplings and I hate chicken and dumplings. It’s that one food that I couldn’t finish when I was a child and was forced to remain at the table until I cleaned my plate. I’d eat chicken and dumplings before I snacked on Trump’s shit sandwich.

While the governor of New Jersey thought he was eating meatloaf, he was actually eating the shit sandwich and he liked it. He went on a radio show to tell the world that Donald Trump’s shit sandwich is the best shit sandwich you could ever eat and he’ll always be eating Trump’s shit sandwiches.

The problem is Trump wants all of us to eat his shit sandwiches. He tells the world the media is the enemy because they won’t eat his shit sandwich. If you’re one of those people who voted for Trump, you ate the shit sandwich. If you’re one of those who are saying “give him a chance,” you’re still eating the shit sandwich.

There are other items on the menu but you’ll probably keep eating that shit sandwich.

No thanks. I’m good. I’ll have what that other president ordered. What was one of Obama’s favorites? Cheeseburgers. Do you recall that conservatives once gave him, well, a lot of shit, for putting mustard on a burger? How dare he not use ketchup. Ketchup is for children and orange presidents. Ketchup is what helps create a shit sandwich.

Creative Notes: I started this cartoon at my local coffee shop but those fuckers closed at midnight (I already wrote “shit” twenty times so one “fucker,” oops, two, should be OK at this point). I wasn’t even halfway done with the cartoon.

Since I forgot my desk chair I had to find something to sit on while drawing. I can’t draw standing or sitting up in bed. It doesn’t work for me. I found a metal folding chair outside. It’s a little too close to the ground but it worked. I kinda feel like I’m a kid at the big table. maybe I should have sat on a book.

Sometimes I’ll choose a title because it amuses me and I won’t care if anyone else is amused or understands it all. But you know the singer Meatloaf, right? He had that song, “once, twice, three times a lady?” Yeah, well I thought it was funny for the title of this blog. Anyone who doesn’t like can go eat a…

Update: OK. I was just corrected by my ex wife. That never changes. She pointed out that I confused “once, twice, three times” by the COMMODORES with “two out of three ain’t bad” by Meatloaf. That totally screws up the title of this blog and cartoon….but eh. It’s staying. Can I blame it on listening to the Foo Fighters the entire time I was drawing this?

Second update: Did you know the president has to pay for his own food? It’s true. Not state dinner stuff but if he has a party, bbq in the backyard, or just his or his family’s meal, he has to pay for it. A follower on Twitter said that could be why he made Christie order the meatloaf. Yeah, Trump is rich but he’s notoriously cheap. He’s an unhappy miser.

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Trump and his Teeny, Tiny….Hands


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By now you’ve heard about the last GOP debate. Gee, what silliness occurred this time? Within the first few minutes Donald Trump made a reference to his penis. And what was that thing on Ted Cruz’s lip and where did it go? If you were going to pick one booger eater out of all these candidates you would probably pick Cruz. No pun intended.

I haven’t sent this cartoon to my clients. I’m not sure it’s up to their standards. Plus, there’s no black and white version which I always send to my newspapers along with the color files. I would think they would not want a penis reference cartoon but I’ve noticed a few of my colleagues have already gone there as well. Thank you, Republicans, for giving cartoonist wiener and booger joke material. We can’t get this stuff from Bernie.

This was drawn on my tablet last night while sitting in a restaurant and I’ve already shared it on Facebook. So for you guys who do not follow me on Facebook, or aren’t even on Facebook, this is for you. Tell all those people at GoComics to swing by and visit.

Oh yeah. Here’s a Christie caricature that was also created on the tablet last night. It’s disgusting.

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Chris Christie’s New Role


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Once upon a time New Jersey governor Chris Christie had a little dignity.

He was elected as a Republican to the governorship of Democratic blue New Jersey, and then reelected. He was all the rage and in 2012 the GOP establishment was giving him the full press to run for president, and save them from the agony of a moderate Republican from a northeast state with a liberal record but a hard-conservative platform winning their nomination. Go figure.

Christie declined that opportunity and he probably figured the political atmosphere wouldn’t change in four years.

Christie struggled to make it to the big boys’ table during the debates. He didn’t place well in the first caucus and primary and swiftly dropped out of the race. but not before trashing the front runner, Donald Trump. He lampooned the big orange smurfy billionaire and said his plans, especially the wall, were ridiculous. Then he endorsed the guy.

This endorsement is not sitting well. Christie was already on the poop lists for the majority of New Jersey residents, for the bridge thing, being a bad governor, neglecting it during a natural disaster, mocking those who suffered from the natural disaster, and basically forgetting he was still supposed to perform the duties of his day job while he was wasting his time, and the state’s money, running his laughable, no chance in Hell, presidential campaign.

Former governor and Bush cabinet member Christine Whitman scolded Christie for his endorsement of Trump and stated she would hold her nose and vote for Hillary Clinton over Trump. The largest newspaper in New Hampshire, which had endorsed Christie, wrote that their endorsement was a big mistake. Now six New Jersey newspapers wrote a joint editorial calling for Christie to resign. Do you realize how hard it is to get six newspapers to coordinate a single position together?

The harshest judgement for Christie came Tuesday night as he stood obediently behind Trump as he spoke during his press conference after winning big on Super Tuesday. Here was a formerly highly respected governor, with grand expectations, staring in agreement as the most ridiculous major candidate for the presidency laid out his extremely ludicrous ideas for the country.

Twitter users created a contest for what must have been going through Christie’s mind during this embarrassing, humiliating and degrading ordeal. My favorite was “those fingers do look like tiny sausages. Do they taste like tiny sausages?”.

Christie must expect a huge spot in a Trump administration. Maybe an important cabinet position or even the vice presidency. Problem is, he sold his soul for something that’s not ever going to happen.

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Chatty Marco


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Chatty Cathys haven’t been made since the 1950’s but everyone knows what they are. It’s a pretty good insult for someone who won’t get off the phone…or shut up. The Rubio campaign should love this comparison.

Marco Rubio is a very talented politician. Of course being a talented politician doesn’t always mean you’re talented at accomplishments. You may only be talented at running for office. For years people in politics, members of both parties, have made accusations that Rubio is a talking points kind of guy. He’s good in a debate, giving a speech, conducting an interview, but he’s not good if he has to stray from the talking points, or if he runs out of them.

Chris Christie has been harping about this for a while but nobody’s been listening because he’s Chris Christie. He finally got his chance during Saturday’s GOP debate. Rubio went into his talking point about “Obama knowing what he’s doing and he’s transforming the country, blah blah blah.” Christie said “there it is. That’s his “memorized 25-second speech.” Marco responded by repeating the same talking point and Christie nailed him with an interruption and pointing out he was doing the speech again. Shortly after this exchange Rubio gave the same talking points again. Yikes. It as like going to see Skynyrd and they play “Free Bird” for two hours.

It’s the kind of thing that could be damaging. This could be hurtful on a Howard Dean Scream level.

This will probably hurt Rubio Tuesday night in the New Hampshire primary and not help Christie at all. Christie doesn’t get points because Rubio sucks. He’s just really good at being a bully and fun to watch while doing so.

Update and correction: A sharp reader of mine pointed out that Chatty Cathys were sold during the 1960’s, not the 1950’s as I had written. I actually went to the Wikipedia site for Chatty Cathy looking for information on it and still messed it up. I was born in the 1960’s but I don’t remember them (most people can’t remember that decade for other reasons). Plus, I never played with dolls for girls. I swear. I had superheroes, GI Joes, a Fonzie and even the Sweat Hogs from Welcome Back Kotter.

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A Petulant Child


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It’s on now. Finally, after seven years of Republicans and other assorted crazies warning us that Obama was coming after our guns (your guns actually. I don’t own any), it’s finally happening. Who’s crazy now? Well, the crazies are still crazy. The executive orders Obama is putting into action aren’t taking anyone’s guns away.

What the orders will do, or attempt to do, is kill the gun-show-loopholes and online purchases that allow people to buy guns without background checks, increase funding for mental health treatment, and staff for the FBI and ATF agents.

Chris Christie said the president is “acting like a petulant child.” Marco Rubio said it’s “a war on the Constitution.” Donald Trump said “Pretty soon you won’t be able to get guns.” Ted Cruz, not to be out-crazied by Trump, said “the president is once again going to abuse his power to try to seize our guns.” Ben Carson advised the public to hide their guns in the pyramids (I made that up). Carly Fiorina said “Go Hawkeyes and beat my alma mater Stanford.” (I didn’t make that up but she wasn’t talking about guns. She was merely pandering on a historic level).

One guy who’s not running for president, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, said the “President is at minimum subverting the legislative branch, and potentially overturning its will.”

All of those statements were said before the plan was revealed but after their checks cleared from the National Rifle Association.

In a response to the president’s order the Republican presidential candidates and members of Congress promised to buck the NRA and do all they can to prevent more senseless gun deaths, especially those of children. They promised to improve upon the president’s orders and pass effective sensible gun legislation to decrease gun violence and protect all American citizens. Nah! I made that up too.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

 

Until Sand Glows In The Dark


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Ted Cruz says if he’s elected president, he’ll carpet bomb ISIS until sand glows in the dark. I know Senator Cruz loves portraits of himself, but does he own carpet? Does he know how it works? He says he’ll avoid bombing cities with his carpet bombing as he’ll only bomb where ISIS is located. If he can take his own head out of the sand (or a certain part of his anatomy) then maybe he’ll realize ISIS is in Mosul, Ramadi, Raqqa, Fallujah, and Hawija. Those, Senator Cruz, are cities.

Donald Trump promises he’ll “bomb the bleep out of them” and plans to put hits on terrorists’ families.  Marco Rubio wants to insert ground troops. Chris Christie says we’re in World War III, and in case war with ISIS doesn’t bring Armageddon fast enough, he’ll take pot shots at Russian planes. Lindsey Graham says he misses George W. Bush and wishes he was still president. On top of all that they’re waging a campaign that we’re at war with Islam. This is the kind of stuff that’s music to the ears of ISIS and they use it to recruit new fighters.

The funny and scary thing is all of these candidates’ solutions to destroy ISIS are the very things that created ISIS.

These candidates claim they want to defeat ISIS. Maybe they’ll actually help with that after providing recruiting material for future ISIS newsletters.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!