Bleach

Positive Trump


cjones10062020

Donald Trump and Melania have tested positive for the Trump virus.

Donald Trump played down the virus. He admitted as such. He floated bogus cures and treatments. He’s called it the “China Virus” and the “Wuhan Virus.” He’s scolded and punished his scientists for doing their jobs. He’s hired lackeys and yes men to direct the response. He politicized it against blue states. He mocked people for wearing masks. He continued to hold rallies during the pandemic. He encouraged states, churches, and schools to open. He asked about curing people with bleach.

Ten days ago, Trump said, “This affects virtually nobody.” I guess the president of the United States is a nobody.

Donald Trump never took it seriously. He’s going to take it seriously now. White House advisor Hope Hicks was the first to test positive so the belief is Donald Trump caught it from her. But it’s possible she caught it from him.

The White House knew on Thursday that Donald Trump was in contact with someone who tested positive. Trump had been at a rally the night before. Even after knowing, he went to a fundraiser in New Jersey. Spokesgoon Kayleigh McEnany was aware of this and still held a briefing without warning reporters. The White House may be a super spreader environment. The White House probably knew for hours Trump had tested positive.

When asked weeks ago about the safety at his rallies, Trump said he’ll be OK because he was a good distance from his cult in attendance. According to reports, he thought the virus was a good thing in that it would keep him from shaking hands with “disgusting people.” Now, everyone who has attended his rallies can take comfort they were kept a good distance away from the disgusting president.

I don’t wish Donald Trump harm. I’m not even going to say he deserved this. Honestly, it shouldn’t surprise anyone he caught it with the way he approached it. He exercised zero caution. Protect America? He couldn’t protect himself. He couldn’t protect his family. Donald Trump testing positive isn’t as much karma as it was inevitable.

What will happen now? There are only a little more than 30 days left before the election. With Trump in quarantine for at least 14 days, he can’t campaign. He may not even be able to do the duties of president. How will we even notice? I expect him to demand a delay to the election (he can’t get one).

Will this pause the confirmation of Amy Coney Barrett? Will Joe Biden pause his campaign out of respect? Will Joe Biden test positive because he caught it from Trump? Will Jared, Ivanka, Stephen Miller, Mitch McConnell, Mark Meadows, and Mike Pence all test positive? Trump was yelling for football to resume. Now, the debates may be canceled.

It’s no longer a hoax. Trump and his sycophants can no longer tout Hydroxychlorquine because Trump was taking it.

Experts say if Donald Trump had taken this more seriously, fewer people in our nation would have caught it. Fewer people would have died. If Donald Trump had taken seriously, Donald Trump may not have the Trump virus today.

That, my friends, is irony.

Now, we can definitely call this the “Trump Virus.”

Creative note: I was watching news all night. I usually do that. I did flip over to the football game after getting my fill of Melania’s “fuck Christmas” tapes. But then the news hit about Hope Hicks. I didn’t know we’d get a result on Trump tonight, and I was going to bed at 1:00 a.m. I had just brushed my teeth, stripped down, was climbing into bed with the remote in my hand, about to turn off the TV and then CNN broke it. I climbed back out and went back to work.

I actually had a cartoon prepped (roughed out, lettered) for the morning. It’s now on the back burner.

The positive of being the first cartoonist to cover this (probably first) is that my clients will have it in their inbox when they wake up. The negative is that I did it so late, nobody was up for me to bounce it off of. My proofers were/are still asleep so I hope there are no typos.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Grandpa Trump’s Magik Elixir


CNN05242020

Here’s your cartoon for CNN’s weekly newsletter, Provoke/Persuade. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday for the rest of your life.

As I wrote a few days ago, the only reason Donald Trump is pushing junk science is to be divisive. The man wants to divide Americans as much as possible. For some reason, he believes it benefits him. Donald Trump only cares about Donald Trump.

He pushes medication that hasn’t been proven to help anyone. If anything, it’s proven to hurt people and even kill them. Donald Trump doesn’t care.

Donald Trump doesn’t want to be seen wearing a mask. He claims it’s to deny the image from reporters, which is childish. Reporters and the media didn’t create the mask narrative. They don’t own it. The truth is, Donald Trump likes politicizing the pandemic. He likes that his supporters are refusing to wear a mask because for them, it’s a political statement.

I wear a mask everytime I go out. When I do it, I don’t think I’m making a political statement. I’m proud to be a liberal and I stand on my positions and beliefs, but the mask isn’t a part of that. I wear the mask because the science community highly recommends it. I wear the mask to protect myself, but mostly to protect others. I wear the mask for the same reason I’ve been staying home which is to do my small part in protecting my nation and helping kill this virus. I also wear it not to be a selfish asshole to other people. It’s not a political statement to wear a mask.

When you don’t wear the mask, even if you’re not trying to make a political statement, you’re saying you’re a selfish asshole. You really are. And if you are wearing it to make a political statement, then you’re putting the health of others, including people you love, as risk for your politics. The majority of this nation is trying to kill this thing while the rest of you are keeping it alive.

Keep in mind, you’re following medical advice from a guy who believes in windmill cancer and asked about drinking bleach to kill a virus. You’re taking advice from a guy who spreads conspiracy theories. You’re taking medical advice from a man so out of shape, he’s afraid of stairs.

But then again, maybe Donald Trump is just trying to see what he can get away with. Maybe he’s bored because we know he’s not busy being president. Perhaps he’s trying to come up with the dumbest things to see what his base will support. He told them to use medication the medical community says can kill you. His base rallies to his defense. He told his base to “liberate” blue states. They held rallies. He encourages his base not to wear a mask and to gather in large groups and breathe on each other. Done. He fucking told them to drink household cleaning products.

Donald Trump is a carnival barker. He’s always been a con man. But con men need stupid people to succeed. Fortunately for Trump, there are plenty of those and they’re all Republicans.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Butt Bulb


cjones05022020

This is a bonus cartoon I drew today. For some reason, bonus cartoons usually happen on Tuesdays.

Right when I thought of this idea, I cracked up laughing. If I can make myself laugh, hey. Of course, that could also mean I’m truly demented and been shut in too long. But, while sketching out the template for this, I realized we’re talking about two different types of bulbs.

When Donald Trump was talking about bulbs that make him look orange, he was talking about LED bulbs. When he was talking about bulbs helping fight the coronavirus, he was talking about UV bulbs. LED bulbs do have some UV but they’re not identified as UV bulbs. I thought this was still funny enough for me to say, “So what” and continue along with it. But I figured if one of the three people I bounced it off of said I shouldn’t do it, then I wouldn’t do it.

They all said go. One of them was horrified but she still said go.

Here’s another funny thing: I got an email this morning from one of my clients asking if I could do some cartoons that are not on Donald Trump.

During this pandemic, I’m offering my cartoon service for free to newspapers and other news outlets. Several are taking advantage of this with some even telling me they probably won’t become paid subscribers when this is over. That doesn’t bother me as it comes with the territory.

I received the email this morning after today’s Damn Yankees cartoon went out. The editor explained they’re in a red state and his readers can’t handle Trump cartoons. Those weren’t his exact words, but you get it. I do feel kinda bad if he can’t use any of my cartoons because there are so many on Trump. The next one’s probably going to be on Trump too.

I even got one email from a staffer of a different publication after his editor took me up on my offer. He wrote, “My editor will never use any of your cartoons. He’s a right-winger. This place sucks.”

I do want to make my clients happy. I do want to give them cartoons on a variety of subjects. I realize I draw a LOT of cartoons on Trump. And, I’m not really that fond of drawing Donald Trump. Also, it’s not that these editors are pro-Trump themselves. They tend to be editors of smaller papers in an industry that’s been struggling for over two decades. By the time I was leaving The Free Lance-Star in 2012, ANY reader complaint got a personal ass-kissing phone call from the editor. The editor who wrote me the email this morning is a really nice guy who I know isn’t a Trump sycophant. He’s looking out for his business. I don’t get mad at these editors and publishers. Another thing is, I can’t tell an editor I know his community better than him. I also can’t tell him to run my work despite it being a threat to his business and maybe even his own personal safety.

But here’s the thing, kids: I gave up a while back worrying about how often I draw Donald Trump. I have lost clients because of Trump and my being too liberal. I have editors reply to my solicitations with hostility. To my political cartoonist colleagues, have you ever been called a “libtard” by a newspaper editor? I have.

Last year, Canadian cartoonist Michael de Adder (who does incredible work), claimed he lost his contract with the Brunswick News, where he was their featured cartoonist for 17 years, because of a cartoon he drew on Donald Trump he never even submitted to that newspaper. While he received international attention for this, it’s really a lot more common than the press made it out to be…which they should be aware of because they’re the press. Dropped for a cartoon criticizing Donald Trump? Please. That’s a Wednesday for me.

I’ve had editors and other people tell me that I would have more clients if I was middle of the road or even a right-winger. I even had a few suggest I draw right-wing and left-wing cartoons. They don’t get it. While it’s true I would have more clients this is about me being me and as irreverent and weird as possible. It’s about being honest. It’s also about having fun. What’s the point of drawing boring political cartoons?

I was with Creators Syndicate for 12 years and they were great to me, but I didn’t make enough money to survive without a job (I had just been laid off). I decided to start my own syndicate and not share the money. But, while doing that I decided since I didn’t work for a newspaper anymore, I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted. I was going to have as much control over my work as possible. So, financial hits don’t dictate how I do my cartoons. I will lose money to keep my soul.

There are times where I decided to do something that’s not on Trump out of concern that I’ve done too many recently. It’s also a good break for me. But I’ve mostly stopped worrying about that. During this time, and I don’t just mean during the pandemic, covering this specific president (sic) is extremely important. My work will not be dictated by a bunch of readers afraid of reading real news. Why should I cater to an audience for whom racism is not a deal-breaker? Why should I worry about what people think who support such a vile president (sic)?

Anyway, what’s really funny is that after complaining that I draw too many Trump cartoons, they got this one.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

 

Another Trump Cure


CNN04262020

Here’s your cartoon for CNN’s weekly newsletter, Provoke/Persuade. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday for the rest of your life.

Today’s blog is not for you. By that, I mean it’s not for those in my echo chamber or who agree with me that Donald Trump is unqualified to be president and is an idiot, racist, sexist, and narcissist who’s surrounded himself with yes men, stupid members of his family, and ass-kissing sycophants. No, today’s blog is for those ass-kissing sycophants. So, if you’re a Trump supporter, I’m talking to you. But, if you’re one of my usual readers, feel free to eavesdrop as I write a public letter to Trump supporters giving them all the respect they’re due.

Dear fucknuts,

I’ve seen a lot of you shitweasels defend Donald Trump’s latest line of bullshit that he wasn’t seriously suggesting people inject household disinfectants and UV light into their bodies.

I’ve seen a few of you on social media say it’s “fake news” to say he “suggested” the idea. It’s not. He truly suggested the idea. Some of you say it’s liberals who do stupid things like eat Tide Pods, except that wasn’t ever a liberal thing. I’ve seen one Trumplican say we shouldn’t worry about it and just let the idea of drinking Clorox get rid of stupid people…except the people who literally ingested fish tank cleaner, with one dying, were Trump supporters. They were not liberals.

While Trump said he was being sarcastic, he undercut Dr. Deborah Birx who said he was merely “musing.” While explaining he was just being sarcastic, he said to one reporter that he was looking directly at him while he was doing it…except that reporter wasn’t there during the suggestion.

As you go about your business covering for a liar and being liars yourselves in saying he’d never say something so stupid about injecting disinfectants, keep in mind, yeah he would. As a follower of mine on Twitter tweeted after seeing this cartoon, with Donald Trump, there really is no bottom.

Donald Trump has said a LOT of stupid shit. As a public service, I’ll recap some of it.

He believes in invisible airplanes. He thought Frederick Douglas was still alive. He didn’t know Puerto Rico was an island, or had a governor, or was a territory of the United States. He tweeted to the “President” of Puerto Rico when he IS the president (sic) of Puerto Rico. He didn’t know what the nuclear triad was and probably still doesn’t. He didn’t know Abraham Lincoln was a Republican and when he did find out, he shouted it from the rooftops as if all us didn’t already know.

He believes he built the great economy President Obama left, instead of inheriting a great economy that’s now lost over 26 million jobs under his “leadership.”

He thinks you need an I.D. to buy Fruit Loops. He thinks asbestos could have saved the World Trade Center from collapsing on 9/11 and it was the mafia that made us remove the stuff. And if that’s true about the mafia, thank you, mafia.

Donald Trump believes your body is like a battery and exercising uses infinite energy, as it depletes your energy and doesn’t renew. He thinks HIV and HPV are the same things. He thinks young people only pay $12 a year for health insurance.

He believes environmentally-friendly lightbulbs cause cancer and they make him look orange.

He thinks sleeping is bad and only sleeping 4 hours a night gives him a competitive edge. It also explains why he looks like he does, requires 7 pounds of makeup on his face, and has an Adderall-rattled brain that believes you need an I.D. to buy cereal.

He thinks vaccines cause autism, windpower kills millions of birds (no. Cats kill millions of birds), and the noise from wind turbines gives you “windmill cancer.”

He spent years telling us President Obama was born in Kenya.

Regarding the coronavirus, he said we had it under control, that the numbers would go down after the 15th case in the United States, it’s a Democratic hoax, it was only one person from China, it would magically disappear in April, we’re close to a vaccine, he called it the flu, said we don’t know what it is, said we have hundreds and even thousands who get better just by going to work, we could reopen the country by Easter, we’ve tested more than any other country, bragged about the ratings for his press briefings, and that anyone who needs a test gets a test.

And lastly, he was totally serious about injecting Clorox and Lyson into our bodies just like he was serious when he asked about dropping nuclear weapons on hurricanes.

Everything I just listed was defended by your stupid asses. When Donald Trump talks, we can’t believe one thing he says. When you defend his ridiculous lying and stupid bullshit, we don’t believe you either. You’re about as credible as Omarosa.

Back to my liberal friends: Some of you will say I could catch more flies with sugar. No, you catch flies with shit and why would I want to catch flies? But I get your point. Some of you believe I can reason better with Trump cultists by reasoning with them in a respectful and diplomatic manner and calling them “cultists,” “shitweasels,” “MAGAts,” and “fucknuts” is not how you reach out to them.

Have you met these people? You can’t reason with them. They are not reasonable. They are not people you can have an honest discussion with. They are not people willing to listen to facts. I’ve talked to some before who think it’s fake news that Donald Trump ever stole from a charity or that a court forced him to disband the charity, pay institutions, and blocked him from being involved with any charity for the next few years. Why reach out to people who aren’t reachable?

I give these people all the respect they are due…and they’re not due any. The truth is, while I can agree to disagree, I’m not disagreeing with people who don’t use facts. I don’t respect opinions built on lies and conspiracy theories. I don’t respect liars. I don’t respect people who use the term “fake news.” I don’t respect people for whom racism is not a deal-breaker. I don’t respect people who believe our nation should have such low standards. I don’t respect people who support ripping families apart, putting kids in jail, and forcing them into actions that kill them. I don’t respect Donald Trump’s supporters. These people have used an agenda of cruelty to help a racist reality TV host destroy our nation.

Today, they’re defending a president who suggested we inject Clorox into our bodies…and I don’t respect that.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Trumpy Bubbles


cjones04282020

To all those liberals who still haven’t gotten over that Bernie Sanders will not be the Democratic Party’s nominee and are on a scorched-Earth campaign promoting that Joe Biden is senile (I’m looking at you, Ted Rall): Joe Biden’s not the candidate telling people to ingest bleach and eat lightbulbs.

During yesterday’s shitshow disguised as an informative press conference on the coronavirus, Donald Trump asked if injecting disinfectants into the body could kill the coronavirus. In other news, The Onion is now totally irrelevant and my job is not getting any easier. It’s hard to satirize satire.

Donald Trump was talking about disinfectants that kill viruses on surfaces and in the air. He rambled, “I see the disinfectant that knocks it out in a minute, one minute. And is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside, or almost a cleaning? Because you see it gets inside the lungs and it does a tremendous number on the lungs, so it would be interesting to check that.” The answer to the question, “Is there a way we can do something like that?” is no, no, nada, what the fuck, and hell no, you lumbering-around freaking idiot.

If the coronavirus does a “tremendous number” on the lungs, what the hell do you think Scrubbing Bubbles will do to it? But you know, if you drink Clorox, Lysol, or Drano, you’re not gonna have to worry about the coronavirus anymore, or mortgages, taxes, in-laws, traffic, bills, going to the dentist, or tomorrow.

Dr. Deborah Birx, who’s going from walking a fine line of telling the truth and appeasing Donald Trump’s lunacy and political agenda…and has now gone full MAGA, had to sit there silently while Donald Trump talked about ingesting household cleaner…and UV lights. But the look on her face was what one would expect from someone forced to sit silently watching a 73-year-old man stick a fork into a light socket.

So, I was wondering how the MAGAts will translate this. I already saw one on a friend’s, now a former friend, Facebook page a month or so ago suggest taking Lysol. I got unfriended when I pointed out that the idea was beyond stupid. But after Trump said this ridiculous shit yesterday, I decided to check the page of another “friend.” There, he “marked” himself safe from Trump talking about disinfectants…and then proceeded to bash liberals for mocking him. He defended Trump for merely asking a question and accused liberals of being “dumb enough” to drink disinfectant.

Donald Trump did prove that there is such a thing as a stupid question.

But here’s the thing, kids: Trump cultists have already died from following his stupid medical advice. As Trump has pointed out, he’s not a doctor. But even more so, he’s not someone with knowledge on anything unless you wanna know how to bankrupt casinos, steal from children’s charity, or pay off porn stars with a dummy corporation based in Delaware. If that’s what you need advice on, Donald Trump is your man. If you need medical advice, you’re better off following Dr. Nick from The Simpsons. Hey, everybody! Drink this shit.

A couple in Arizona ingested chemicals made for cleaning fish tanks because it had hydroxychloroquine in it. One of them died. Do you know who’s been talking about taking hydroxychloroquine to kill the coronavirus? Donald Trump. From there, he’s been backed up by Fox News. What do most medical professionals say about taking hydroxychloroquine? Don’t.

The corporation that makes Lysol actually issued a statement yesterday that it’s unsafe to drink Lysol. Again, The Onion is going out of business.

I predict two things: Some MAGAt is going to die after drinking Scrubbing Bubbles and Donald Trump is going to deny he ever asked about ingesting household cleaners.

The little MAGA rallies Donald Trump has been conducting every day to praise himself, spread lies, and attack journalists for quoting his own words, are covered by the networks because they’re delivered under the concept of the president (sic) of the United States providing lifesaving information on the pandemic. But we’ve known all along there’s very little information that’s useful and it’s more about Donald Trump promoting Donald Trump.

Now, the networks have to, they must, it’s imperative, that they STOP running these things as they’ve gone from pretending to be useful to being outright dangerous. Donald Trump is going to kill somebody with his stupid medical advice. And, it’s not going to be Sean Hannity. They will be totally justified to stop airing these things and just replaying the important parts later…if there ever are any.

His followers are stupid people. They should all be walking around in plastic bubbles, not drinking Scrubbing Bubbles.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.