Flat Earth Goalpost


Cjones08132021

Friday 13 is famous for being unlucky, supposedly. They even made a franchise of horror movies about Friday 13 which kinda got away from the date and more about the serial killer. I mean, the murders started on Friday 13 but then it just seemed like Jason, the slasher serial guy with the messed-up face, would kill people on any given day. Not once in any of those movies did he stop before slaying a victim and ask, “What day is this?” and when told it was something like Friday 17, he’d be all like, “Crap. Let me know when it’s Friday 13 and that’s when I’ll put this weed-eater into your skull.” Maybe Jason did have a Friday 13 code but his calendar, since he lived in the woods, was seriously outdated. Maybe his mom, before she got beheaded, made him a custom calendar where every day was Friday13.

Maybe the Qanon fucknuts should make a custom calendar AFTER Trump is reinstated. And then they can point at that date as August 13 and say, “Aha! See? We were right all along.” Only problem with this plan is that Trump will NEVER be reinstated. They can still copy Jason Voorhees though and start wearing mask…because they’re all ugly. Oops. Sorry. For a second there, I forgot they have a hang-up about masks.

I don’t believe Friday 13 is a bad-luck day. If that was true, wouldn’t that mean bad luck wouldn’t happen on other days? Shitty things happen all throughout the year. If your girlfriend kicks you to the curb because she found out you’re a conspiracy-spreading lunatic who believes Trump will be reinstated as president and she caught you cheating on her with a Trumpy Bear, and she does the kicking on June 4, doesn’t that undercut Friday 13? If you drive your car into a river on April 16, doesn’t that step all over Friday 13 toes? Friday 13 would lose all enthusiasm for delivering bad luck.

Even though I don’t believe the date is bad luck, I do believe this Friday is going to be very unlucky for a lot of people.

If Donald Trump is reinstated to the presidency, it’s going to be bad luck for everybody who isn’t a racist fascist. But since we don’t reinstate presidents, or appoint them because a bunch of white nationalist goons didn’t get what they want, this Friday is going to be very unlucky for MAGAts. They will have to find another way to save face or back up their bullshit.

That’s what they do anyway. They make a prediction and then make excuses for when it doesn’t pan out.

Out of all the Republicans who predicted Trump would win the election last year, have you heard any of them admit they were wrong? In 2016, I predicted Hillary Clinton would win. I had to eat some crow but I ate it. I admitted I was wrong. Now, all those freaks who predicted Trump would win still claim he won. The thing with political predictions is that everybody is going to be wrong at some point. If anyone ever tells you they’re always right, they’re lying.

After Trump lost the election, MAGAts predicted he would win on January 6, 2021. The idea was that Trump’s white nationalist MAGA terrorists would attack Congress and stop the certification and somehow this would give him the presidency. A lot of people got hurt but it didn’t work.

Then, the date was moved to January 20, the actual date of swearing in a new president. Except Joe Biden was sworn in as the 46th president of the United States of America on that day, probably because he won the election. But Trump goons claimed the military would suddenly intervene and not allow it, and then Trump would come weebling across the stage at the Capitol, be sworn in, and Lady Gaga would start crying. Instead, he was getting one last ride on Air Force One on his way to Florida, being a spoiled whiny ass baby and too chickenshit to attended his predecessors inauguration. How would that have looked to his MAGAt base, him just standing there watching his opponent take the oath? But, the MAGAts were wrong. Trump was not sworn in and Lady Gaga was very happy and smiling.

Then, they claimed he’d be reinstated on March 4 (I forgot about this date when I did the cartoon. Shit). Why March 4? That used to be the date for swearing in presidents a very long time ago. The conspiracy theorists believe every president since Ulysses S. Grant has been illegitimate except Trump. You know you suck as a conspiracy theorist when the details you use to support your belief contradicts other details of your belief. Why would Trump be reinstated as president if he was never president to begin with? These are the same idiots who wave American flags with Trump emblazoned across them who protest desecrations of American flags. But, guess what. Trump was not installed or reinstalled as president on March 4.

Then, it was March 20. Why March 20? I don’t know but prices for hotel rooms increase on these dates because Republican fucknuts storm the capital for the Trump reinstatements. Could this just be a scam by the hotel industry? If it is, smart.

Now, the date for Trump’s reinstatement is August 13. In case you’re a Republican and need help reading a calendar, or Jason Voorhees, that’s this Friday. And just in case, I’m going to lock up my weed-eater. This Friday, they believe Donald Trump will rise like the Great Pumpkin and return to the presidency (I had to put that metaphor in here because an editor friend emailed me yesterday and said I should do a Trump Great Pumpkin cartoon for Friday, but I already did that last March).

So, what will happen to President Biden after Trump returns to the White House? It’s not like Biden is just going to give Trump his old room back and go sleep down the hall in the Lincoln Room. There’s a ghost in there. No. Trump is going to round up everyone who is a part of the deep state and send them all to prison without trials. This includes everyone who was ever against him because being against Trump is treason. Those going to prison will be President Biden, First Lady Jill Biden, Vice-President Kamala Harris, the First Dude What’s-his-name, President Obama and Michelle, everyone in the administration unless they went to the Trump website and bought one of those MAGA-loyalty cards, Liz Cheney, Adam Kinzinger, Mitt Romney, people who look like Mitt Romney, everyone at CNN and MSNBC, Mike Pence, every general who wouldn’t go along with the coup including that car insurance general, the KFC colonel because he refuses to give Trump the original recipe, every Democratic member of Congress except those who will be publicly stoned (like Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, and Alexandria Ocasio Cortez), Rosie O’Donnell, Pearl Jam (they went to Obama’s birthday party), and the Pope. Wait. What did the Pope do to get in on this deal? He’s not even a U.S. citizen. How do you commit treason in a nation you are not a citizen of or taken a loyalty oath to. Oh, yeah. This is Qanon logic.

There is no danger any of this is going to happen. The real danger is in people believing it. On January 6, there was no chance Donald Trump was going to reverse the election, even by sending his white nationalist MAGA terrorists to attack the Capitol. But people were still hurt. People still died. People are still committing suicides over it. It fed into the lie that he won the election. And it’s not random unknown lunatics on the dark web using screen names like MAGAchunky47 and Orange_Tennessee_Dildo who believe this shit.

America’s favorite shitty pillow manufacturer is spreading this bullshit. Trump’s former chief-of-staff is enabling the lie by claiming Trump is running a shadow government and meeting with his “cabinet.” Disgraced and Trump-pardoned Michael Flynn has endorsed a Myanmar-style coup. Even Donald Trump is spreading the lie. This is so crazy that even Marjorie Taylor Green doesn’t buy into it, and she believes in Jewish space lasers. Even crazy isn’t buying your crazy.

Fifty three percent of Republicans believe Donald Trump won the election and had it stolen from him. In case you are a Republican, 53 is more than half. But if you buy into the March 4 theory of no legitimate president since Grant, except for Trump, then 53 might be 90. If you believe Donald Trump won the election, you are in a cult. There are no facts that backs up your belief. That’s how cults work.

You would think with crazy beliefs, that it’d just be the fringe of one of the nations two political parties that’d buy into some conspiratorial crap, like Trump won the election. But with the GOP, it’s 53 percent. That’s crazy. So, how crazy are they really? How many believe Trump will be reinstated?

Over 30 percent of Republicans believe Trump will be reinstated. That’s insane.

There is no mechanism to reinstate a president. That is because it’s not something we do. We only elect presidents or install the next in line of succession if a president is removed from office. And that person is only to serve out the elected president’s term until the next election.

If Donald Trump is to return to the White House, it won’t be before January 20, 2025. It won’t be through a coup. It will only be with an election. And good god, if that happens, I will be crying with Lady Gaga.

This is like when Pat Robertson predicts the end of the world and it doesn’t end. He’s done this multiple times. He also predicted Trump would win. What you do on those dates is go about your business. Don’t sell your house and go on a Las Vegas cocaine binge consisting of Russian hookers with tiny bladders. This Friday, just go about your usual routines and don’t do anything crazy…unless that Las Vegas Cocaine Russian hooker thing is your thing. Donald Trump will not be reinstated this Friday. When you wake up Saturday morning, Joe Biden will still be President of the United States of America.

The only question I have now is what’s the next date for Trump’s reinstatement? Where will Qanon move that goalpost next?

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: here are SIX copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

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4 comments

  1. MAGAts can move the date all they want, as long as they don’t try a redo of Jan. 6th. We saw senseless murder and mayhem that day, we do not need a repeat performance–EVER!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. A REPEAT COMMENT, but the previous one was after everyone’d read the blog:

    RE: Cults
    I’d like to recommend the book, Cultism: The Language of Fanaticism, by Amanda Montell (c2021).

    Especially for those of us who love language, this book is a must . . . if only to see how language can be subverted. From Heaven’s Gate and Jonestown thru yoga (American-style) and Christianity (cult + time=religion), thru Amway and Mary Kay, and then onwards to drumpf and QAnon . . . a fascinating read. Well worth the time to do so.

    Liked by 1 person

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