Washington DC

Parade Gets A Deferment


cjones08232018

I thought Trump was supposed to be a great deal maker. After Washington, D.C. put a huge price tag on allowing him to parade tanks down Pennsylvania Avenue, you’d have thought he would have negotiated them down. At the very least he could have got Mexico to pay for it.

Trump, who got five deferments to avoid going to Vietnam, said prisoners of war aren’t heroes, and battles with Gold Star families, really wants us to know he loves the military. He’s been hankering to present a macho strong authoritarian image in the form of a military parade.

He was especially inspired by the military parade celebrating Bastille Day on a trip to Paris. Instead of a taste for tanks and rocket launchers, you’d think he would have returned with a sophisticated palate for wine and cheese. Even his taste in mistresses hasn’t improved.

Washington, D.C. was never excited about the parade and the prospect of Pennsylvania Avenue being torn to shreds by the treads on 68-ton tanks. Also, not in love with the idea of a military parade is the actual military. Why? Because it’s a waste of time, money, and totally unnecessary. But to be fair, our admirals and generals probably haven’t had their penises laughed at as much as Trump has.

The initial cost estimate was around $12 million, but after D.C. tacked on another $21 million for local expenses (which the federal government would have to reimburse), and the mayor tweeted that she “finally got thru to the reality star in the White House with the realities,” the plans were put on hold. The estimate is now at $92 million. As usual, Trump reacted calmly and with great patience and understanding. Nah, he did what Trump does best. He had a conniption fit on Twitter.

Trump accused the District of inflating the price, despite the lack of any evidence. He accused the local politicians of running the city poorly, even though the city has the highest credit rating possible and a $2 billion surplus. However, the city is majority black as are their elected government, and only four percent of their electorate voted for Trump. So, I’m sure Trump will manage to get his sycophants to blame the city and accuse them of not supporting our troops.

Why wouldn’t they accuse the city of being unpatriotic? They believe Trump is putting “America first” while engaging in treasonous behavior with Vladimir Putin. And, they’re angry at New York Governor Andrew Cuomo for daring to say America “is not great” despite that literally being a part of Trump’s campaign slogan.

Trump still hopes to have a parade in 2019, but for this year, he plans to go to a parade at Joint Base Andrews (who didn’t know they were having a parade) and to attend another in Paris, this time to commemorate Armistice Day.

The biggest bummer in all of this for Trump is that the Trump Hotel in Washington won’t be booked to capacity for out-of-town visitors to view a pointless military parade. He’ll need to schedule several more visits to his hideously garish golf resorts to bilk as much as he can out of the government, and show the city leaders in Washington how over inflating pricing is really done.

Do you think Kim Jong Un would let the mayor of Pyongyang yank him around?

Creative note: I wasn’t sure about this idea because Andy Borowitz had already done the bone spur thing. I got this idea yesterday, and then I saw a link to Borowitz’s column. I shared the link on social media while lamenting the luck. Then, it was pointed out to me that it was a repost from February. I considered it some more and since I did think of the idea myself and Borowitz isn’t a cartoonist, I decided to go with it. But, I had to think it over until about 5:00 AM this morning.

As my friend and cartoon critic Mike Peterson wrote today, “I feel sorry for American workers, but I particularly pity Andy Borowitz and the staff of the Onion, because the genuine idiocy is outpacing their ability to invent stupid things.” Oh yeah? What about us cartoonists, buddy?

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Sinking Speaker Ryan


cjones04132018

It doesn’t matter what you think of Nancy Pelosi. You can believe she’s too old, too liberal, too SanFrancisky. How you feel about her doesn’t change the fact that she’s damn good at her job, even if you don’t like what she does with her job.

John Boehner was extremely bad as Speaker of the House. The Republicans he led were all over the place and in constant revolt. The scary wing-nut Tea Party fringe of his party made being Speaker a miserable experience for him, and that was before the Trump era. Boehner couldn’t control his caucus, and he got out. Nancy Pelosi, on the other hand, can herd her cats. She’s still the leader of her party in the House.

Paul Ryan may be a worse Speaker than Boehner. To be fair, Ryan didn’t really want the job as he knew it was a task corralling unreasonable grown-up babies with tinges of racism…and that was before Trump became the leader of the Republican Party.

On Wednesday, Paul Ryan told his staff and the world what most of us already knew, he’s not going to be Speaker of the House in 2019.

Ryan stood up to Trump before Trump came to power. In 2016, after candidate Trump said a judge of Mexican heritage was unfit to oversee a lawsuit against him because he was of Mexican heritage, Ryan said that was the “textbook definition of a racist comment.”

After President Trump said there were good people among the white supremacists in Charlottesville chanting “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us,” Ryan was silent. When Trump said, “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?,” Ryan said those type of comments were “unfortunate.”

What was truly unfortunate was having a Speaker of the House refuse to stand up for what’s right and put country over party and Trump worship. Ryan was able to call out Trump’s racism until that racist became someone who’d help him cut healthcare benefits, provide huge tax cuts to the richest one percent of Americans, and place a conservative on the Supreme Court seat the GOP stole from President Obama.

Ryan always claimed his goal was to trim the national debt. With Trump’s help, he’s put into place cuts that will eventually leave us with a $19 trillion deficit.

Some say Ryan is getting out now because he doesn’t want to lose his upcoming election. I don’t think that’s it. I think he’s getting out now because he doesn’t want to work with the Trump and have to explain his early-morning tweets from the toilet anymore, and he has no ambition to be Minority Leader.

Ryan says he’s leaving to spend more time with his family as he’s tired of only seeing his children on weekends. We’ll see how often he’s home if he takes a job lobbying in D.C.

Paul Ryan sold his soul to the devil and that devil’s name is Donald Trump. Maybe, in a few short years from now when Trump is in a federal penitentiary, Paul Ryan can visit it on weekends.

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