Never Trump

Accusers Get Verified


cjones10172016

Donald Trump brought his locker room talk to his rallies this week.

First he called his accusers “horrible,” “sick” and “phony,” and then he insinuated they’re not attractive enough for him to violate. What a moral and upstanding defense.

Regarding Jessica Leeds, who has accused Trump of groping her on a flight, he said “Yeah, I’m gonna go after — believe me, she would not be my first choice, that I can tell you.” Good to know he has a violation-worthy  grading scale.

Trump also called another accuser, former People Magazine reporter Natasha Stoynoff, a “liar” and added, “Check out her Facebook, you’ll understand.” The crowd really liked that one and they laughed and laughed. She’s not pretty enough for…haha. Get it?

Since he was on a roll insulting women for their physical appearance he couldn’t leave out Hillary Clinton. Speaking of last Sunday’s debate, he said “and when she walked in front of me, believe me, I wasn’t impressed.”

I totally understand women like Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama aren’t Trump’s type. They’re Yale and Harvard educated. He’s not in their league. But since we’re out there insulting women’s looks let’s fully punch that ticket on the crazy train and create a conspiracy theory. Choo! Choo!

Trump has decided that all these accusations are being masterminded by a Mexican billionaire who pulled out of a deal with Trump after the GOP nominee said “Mexico sends us rapists and murderers.”

Carlos Slim is one of the richest men in the world. He is so rich that Trump’s income is as comparable to his as mine is to Trump’s. You do not want the income of an unemployed cartoonist (Seriously, somebody bring me a sandwich).

They say that Mr. Slim is so rich and owns so many companies that you can’t go a day in Mexico without contributing to his wealth. Trump, who may not even be a billionaire, has to hate that. It’s probably why he has to put his name on everything. Though a “Slim” casino may not be very enticing.

Slim is a contributor to the Clinton Foundation (Sniff. Sniff. Conspiracy). One of the properties Mr. Slim has a stake in is The New York Times (why am I not in on this conspiracy and getting some of that Mexican billionaire money?). He is the largest private shareholder with 17%. Being a shareholder doesn’t mean you write the headlines but Trump swears there’s a conspiracy anyway. Never mind the fact that other accusers have been revealed by The Washington Post, People Magazine, The Palm Beach Post, and a few TV stations, that Slim Richy does not have any financial stake in (I had to play off “Slim Shady” somewhere in this post).

Trump really hates the idea that a Mexican (of Lebanese descent which probably makes it worse) is meddling in a U.S. election. Dammit, that’s for the Russians to do. He also blamed the “global business elite” and bankers. You know, Jews. Wink. Wink. Nudgy. Nudgy. If there was truly a global financial conspiracy against someone, wouldn’t Trump have gotten the invite? The guy hasn’t been living in cardboard boxes.

Getting back to the whole accused-for-sexual-harassment thing, Trump said anybody can be accused. Just like that time he told his supporters that if they punched a protester at one of his rallies that he’d pay for it, Trump said “even Obama can be accused by anybody.” Then he repeated “anybody.” Yes, anyone at all. Just about any ole little body. Just one person…who might need a tiny little push. A push by tiny little Cheeto fingers.

The problem with finding somebody to accuse the president is that he’s not a jerk like Trump. Not to mention if there was an angry female out who was groped by Obama then wouldn’t they have found her while they were hunting for that pesky birth certificate?

But Trump is big on degrading women. He wails about the injustice received by Bill Clinton’s accusers, then he trops them out for a sideshow photo-op. He’s gone on Howard Stern in the past and graded them with numbers while saying a “flat-chested woman can never be a ten.” That’s another thing guys stop doing after college. The score thing, yeah we don’t do that. Trump still does. We also don’t check out ten-year-old girls on escalators and say I’m gonna be dating her in a few years.” Yeah. Trump does that too.

Trump is so stupid he doesn’t understand how his latest defense doesn’t work. If someone’s not attractive enough for him to harass does that mean he does harass them when they do meet his neanderthal standards?

I’m gonna go with “Yep!”.

I had fun with this cartoon as all the terms here made me giggle. They’re really stupid. Stupid can be funny, like Donald Trump. “Eye Broccoli” was new to me as I had never heard that one before (I research stuff). And obviously I took “man hands” from Seinfeld. I do feel a little self-conscience since I’ve done so many Trump cartoons this week. I wanted to compare with a few other cartoonists so I counted how many Trump cartoons in a row three of my colleagues, who are also my favorites, had drawn. One of them had done four. Another had done five. And one of them has, at this point, done fourteen.

Fourteen. So leave me alone about drawing too many Trump cartoons.

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Hypocritical Surrogacy


cjones10142016

Whoever did not see this coming needs to go sit in the corner and remain silent until Thanksgiving. Election 2016 just went scorched Earth.

Reports came out last night of four women accusing Donald Trump of forcibly groping and kissing them. If you’re attempting to eat a meal you might want to stop reading at this point until you finish.

The New York Times reported an allegation of Trump groping a woman on a flight and trying to put his hand up her skirt in the first class section. First class allows you a hot towel, not the right to be a Gropey McGroperson. another woman told The Times that Trump forcibly kissed her in an elevator. I knew that Aerosmith song would be nothing but trouble.

The Palm Beach Post was told by another woman that Trump grabbed her rear end at his Mar-A-Lago resort. I don’t know if Trump likes the small butts or the big butts, but he can tell a lie. People Magazine reported that Trump shoved his tongue down a reporter’s throat at a photo shoot after his wife left the room. He later told the woman that they would be having an affair.

None of these accusations were made anonymously.

It doesn’t end there. CBS News revealed footage filmed for “Entertainment Tonight” in which Trump is heard commenting about a young girl, “I’m going to be dating her in ten years.” Rolling Stone quoted Miss Washington 2013 saying “He probably doesn’t want me telling the story about that time he continually grabbed my ass and invited me to his hotel room.”

Miss Arizona 2001 told CBS 2 Los Angeles that Trump would waltz into the pageant’s dressing rooms while the contestants were changing. Buzzfeed reported that four women in the 1997 Miss Teen USA beauty pageant said Trump walked into their dressing room while they were changing. Some were as young as 15.

And last but not least, there’s reports of inappropriate contact at the Westminster Dog Show with a Schnauzer. OK, I made that last one up. It was a poodle.

Trump is upset. He’s denying each of these accusations. The problem is, these are exactly the type of incidents Trump himself bragged about doing. Who are we going to believe? Donald Trump or Donald Trump?

In the leaked tape from last Friday he was heard boasting that he can grab and kiss women because he’s a star. In a Howard Stern interview years ago he was bragging about walking into dressing rooms at his pageants to ogle naked girls and how he was allowed because he owned the contests. Not only is it disgusting he’s admitting he’s a pervert on the level of a peeping tom sitting in a tree outside a woman’s window (at the very least), but he’s proud of it and Howard Stern and Robin Quivers were enabling him. Old perverts are hilarious.

Most of these women were silent until Trump stated at the debate that he never engaged in the behavior he bragged about engaging in. It was just “locker room” talk. His denial was just the trigger needed to anger women enough to expose Trump. I’m going to say again, “locker room” talk is usually about sex….not sexual assault. Republicans should learn the difference.

Trump and his supporters are upset. They’ve accused these women of being paid by the Clinton campaign and how it’s unfair to expose charges they can’t prove. Never mind the fact that Trump won’t shut up about Bill Clinton and even flew in his accusers to sit at the front row at the last debate.

Trump is threatening to sue The New York Times over the story and even yelled at the reporter over the phone “you’re a disgusting human being.”

It takes one to know one.

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Powell Joins The Club


cjones09162016

I saw an interview this week where a pundit was asked to comment on the content of former Secretary of State and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Colin Powell having his emailed hacked. He refused because he didn’t think it was appropriate to reward those who violated his privacy. I really respect that. I refuse to look at any starlet’s nude pics that were hacked from her privacy. I find it as disgusting as peeping through someone’s window. Really. But I will jump on these emails. It’s news.

Pretty soon everyone of any significance will limit their communication to carrier pigeon though I suspect Julian Assange would start shooting them down. I’m not that worried about it happening to me because I’m just a pipsqueak in the grand scheme of things, though there have been recent attempts to get into some of my social media and this very website. Will the attempts stop? Nyet!

The contents of Powell’s emails show two things: He’s not wild about either candidate and he’s really bitchy. I can respect that as I’m bitchy too.

Powell has always been universally respected by Republicans and Democrats alike. He served under Reagan and Clinton and was George W. Bush’s Secretary of State during his first term. Although he’s a Republican he endorsed Obama twice. About the only thing to tarnish the General’s legacy was his selling the Iraq war to the U.N. It’s still hard to dis the General. He’s probably the only man alive who could have been president but refused to apply for the job. That makes me want the guy to have the job.

Powell expressed disdain for both candidates. Regarding Clinton he refers to her as a friend but “everything she touches she screws up with hubris.” If you’re a Donald Trump supporter “hubris” means excessive pride or self-confidence. He described her as having “a long track record, unbridled ambition, greedy, not transformational.” Would he have described a male politician that way? He also wrote he’d “rather not have to vote for her.” He really wasn’t happy being dragged into the email controversy which is kinda ironic since he’s been hacked. Dude, nobody uses AOL anymore.

He has an even lower opinion of Trump. He wrote Trump “just looks stupid trying to appeal to blacks and Latinos” and thinks of him as an “international pariah.” Part of his disdain for Trump comes from his latching onto the birther movement which Powell refers to as a racist movement, which it is.

Not being happy to choose between Clinton and Trump puts Powell in a very large club. I’m not super happy with it either but I feel it’s the responsible thing to prevent the destruction of my country so I am voting for Clinton. We could all vote for Gary Johnso….HAHAHA. I couldn’t even finish the sentence. I won’t try with Jill Stein.

It gets even nastier as he mentions his former colleague Dick Cheney and his daughter Liz with “the Cheneys are idiots and spent force peddling a book that ain’t going nowhere.” Hopefully he’s smart enough to turn down future hunting invites from Dick (who, by the way, served as vice president for eight years after having five freaking heart attacks, though he seems to be doing fine now after receiving a transplant donated by a Sith lord).

Powell also used a term I’m not comfortable posting here even though this is a big boy blog. A few of my clients who are much more respectable than this outlet carry these columns. Powell used the term in an accusation that Bill Clinton is still messing around on his wife. The term soon became a trending hashtag on twitter, which I will use with this blog. Sorry, mom.

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Trump Talks Black


cjones09042016

Donald Trump left the comfort of his Penthouse apartment on Fifth Avenue to visit a black church in Detroit.

Since the only black person Trump knows is Ben Carson it might have been shocking to learn that not every African American is insane and stabby. Team Trump thought of this and prepared crib notes on how to talk to black people for the orange one. They provided The Donald with answers to questions he’d probably get like “why are you such a racist?”.

Trump swooped into Detroit for his first ever visit to a black church. He swayed to gospel music. He held a baby. He accepted a shawl. He told the congregation he was there to listen to their concerns and left before the service was half over.

Trump has derided Black Lives Matter. He’s called for tougher police tactics. Black protesters have been roughed up at his rallies and he’s promised to pay the legal fees for those doing the assaulting. He’s received the endorsement of white supremacists. He attempted to destroy the legitimacy of the nation’s first black president. It’s no wonder his current support from black Americans is at one percent. I’m surprised it’s that high. Trump’s also stated how poorly educated “the blacks” are, but that can’t be accurate. If they were really poorly educated they’d be Trump supporters.

A few members of the congregation who met Trump talked about how humble he was in person and nothing at all like the bombastic con artist they see on TV. So basically the guy is nice to you in person but talks bad about you when you’re not around. He’s a real hoot at his all-white rallies.

One attendee wore a “Hillary for prison” shirt under his blazer. Others were cordial but not convinced. Kim Witten who has been a member of the church for 20 years said “When somebody wants something from you, and they say the right words — I would have liked to hear him say those things before he wanted something.” Witten has a point. Trump never visited a black church until he wanted something. What am I saying? The guy never visited a church.

Trump has spent the last few weeks pandering for African-Americans to vote for him (before white audiences) and asking “what do you have to lose?”.

The people who protested outside the church in Detroit feel they would have a lot to lose under a Trump presidency. Some had signs which read “Mr. Hate, Leave My State” and “Stop the racist!” At one point, the crowd chanted, “No KKK!”

Trump needs more than crib sheets to talk to African-Americans. He needs to figure out how to talk to people period. Well, people who aren’t insane, racist, stupid, uninformed, hostile, or Ben Carson.

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Trump’s Tantrum On Terror


cjones06162016

Usually after a national tragedy, the country comes together. People with different philosophical and political beliefs can push them aside, at least for a few days, to unite and stand together. Then there’s Donald Trump.

Immediately after the attack in Orlando Trump tweeted how people were “congratulating” him on being right. Terrorist attack on our nation, 49 dead, over 50 injured, and Donald Trump uses it to point out how great he is.

The terrorist was born in the United States. That news was reported and confirmed Sunday. A day later Trump conducts a speech where he calls for a ban on Muslims immigrating to the United States because the Orlando attacker was “Afghan born.” What the Hell does that mean? Was he swaddled as a baby in an Afghan carpet? Maybe delivered by an Afghan Hound?

The shooter was born in the United States. Everyone and their brother, even those with stupid brothers, knew of this. Trump is so obnoxious that he can’t even let information sink in that challenges his narrative.

Speaking of narrative, he’s sticking with the GOP talking point that we have to call these attacks “radical Islam.” They can’t just say “radical.” They have to put the Islam into it. When an abortion clinic or church is attacked, they don’t refer to the killer as a “radical Christian.” Do you know why? Because Christianity doesn’t have anything to do with their warped viewpoint that makes them kill. Islam doesn’t either. Republicans, especially Donald Trump, prefer to scapegoat an entire religion.

Trump wants the president to decide who can and can’t enter the country. I think Hitler sought, and achieved, the same power.

Then Trump said Hillary Clinton wants to abolish the 2nd Amendment. They’ve been saying the same thing about Obama for years. How bad is your platform when you have to make stuff up? Pretty weak when you can’t stick to facts.

The worst part of Trump’s tantrum? He insinuated that Obama supports the terrorists. He was the birther campaign’s champion. He was proven wrong. He’s already proven wrong with his latest accusation. His campaign is making excuses for his comment ““He doesn’t get it or, or he gets it better than anybody understands. “It’s one or the other. And either one is unacceptable.” He later said Obama is either not tough and smart or has “something else in mind.”

The bad thing is, a lot of Obama haters have been saying the same crap for years. Obama is a Muslim. He hates America. He’s apologizing for America. He supports Muslims over Israel. There’s never any proof to any of that but yet they keep it up. Now their presumptive nominee is doing the same. They have the crazy, paranoid, conspiracy theory loving candidate. No wonder his favorite publication is the National Enquirer. It should be Breitbart.

Republicans won’t talk about Trump today. I can’t blame them. But instead of hiding in shame I would like to think I would have the principles to denounce a member of my party who accuses the president of supporting terrorism.

Hillary Clinton attacked Trump today. So did the president and he tore Trump apart, especially over his proposal to ban Muslims and his questioning the lack of using the term “radical Islam.”

We might have to introduce a new term into the political dialogue to be used for the rest of this campaign. “Traitorous Trump.” The man will put politics and himself above his nation.

The man, and anyone who supports him, is supporting treason.

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Alligator Arms


cjones06122016

I’m not often amused by Geico commercials, especially the ones with the gecko. He’s annoying. But I liked the one with alligator arms. It shows a group of people at a restaurant and one of them is an alligator, who volunteers to pay for the meal. Unfortunately since he has alligator arms he can’t reach the check. I’ve been wanting to use the concept for a cartoon for a few days now.

Fortunately for me, Donald Trump (the usual suspect), has given me the opportunity.

Donald Trump doesn’t like to pay his bills. He stiffs employees, contractors, and even the lawyers that fight his lawsuits brought on by those he stiffed. Nice guy. His excuse? Sometimes if the work is shoddy he doesn’t believe he should pay for it, or not the full amount he originally agreed to. And then he tries to hire back the contractor who performed the original “shoddy” work.

He often renegotiates a contract after the job is done. He’s driven people to unemployment lines and pushed companies into bankruptcy over his screw-’em-all policy.

Then people sue him. The number of lawsuits filed against him has risen to an absurd level. And then after lawyers fight for him, he tries to stiff them. And then they sue him and he hires new lawyers…and he later stiffs them.

Trump, the man of the people who’ll bring jobs back, is not a nice guy. He’s cheated on his wives. He’s degraded women, Mexicans, immigrants, Muslims, journalists, the handicapped, etc. He’s scammed people with his so-called university. He’s a pathological liar. On top of all that he’s a racist.

There’s an argument in his favor that he’s the candidate who has experience creating jobs. He’s also the candidate that rips people off, and drives them into unemployment and bankruptcy.

I’d rather vote for an alligator.

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Third Party Enthusiasm


cjones05232016

The Never Trump crowd has a party they can vote for while claiming innocence over Hillary Clinton becoming president. The Bernie Sanders flock can also keep their promise to never support Clinton without supporting Donald Trump, directly.

Former Republican governor of New Mexico, Gary Johnson, is running for president. He hasn’t secured the nomination for the Libertarian Party but he’s the favorite to beat “what’s his name?” and “who that’s face?”. His Veep running mate will be William Weld, a former Republican governor of Massachusetts. What this gives the U.S. is a platform that’s Republican on economics and Democrat on social issues. This will not appeal to liberals who want a more fair economic system and Ted Cruz troglodytes who want abortion eliminated entirely and for the United States to resemble a Right-Wing Christian Taliban Theocracy.

While these two guys might be well known in New Mexico and Massachusetts, the rest of the country is going to to say “who?”. Remember that time Johnson signed that bill making something into a law and when William Weld stood up for something?…yeah. No idea.

That may not matter to many as the most important aspect will be they’re neither Trump or Clinton. There’s a report that one of the Koch brothers is pledging millions to the Libertarian campaign, which will turn off Democrats.

Basically we have two more old white guys. With neither hurling insults at their opponents or promising to build walls they’re going to come off as pretty boring. The excitement still remains between Trump and Clinton. While the Republican turnout in the primaries has been the highest ever (Trump has received more Republican votes than any Republican before him. Even Reagan), and the votes in the Democratic primary is lower than the last two contests, it’s hard to predict if there will be a large turnout for the general election. With the negatives so high for the two major party candidates, a lot of people will be staying home instead of holding their nose while voting.

Sanders’ supporters say they won’t vote for Hillary Clinton, which won’t change much as they’re not really voting now. They just like rallies. Women and minorities won’t vote for Trump. The Libertarians won’t carry a single state. Hillary Clinton will be the next president of the United States.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!