Melania Trump

Goodbye, Grifters

cjones01202021

If you believe the Trumps will leave the White House without stealing some shit, then I got a bridge to sell you.

Here’s a spoiler, not a prediction: In the coming weeks, we’re going to see news articles about shit the Trumps took out of the White House they weren’t supposed to take. Wait for it. It’s happening. But, I’m no miracle savant with a magic glowing orb (similar to the one Trump was fondling with leaders in Saudi Arabia on his very first official presidential trip) that can see into the future. It’s easy to predict what Trump will do because he always does the wrong thing.

What I know about the future is, Donald Trump will continue to lie about election fraud. Donald Trump will tell us he’s still the president (sic). Donald Trump will attempt to bilk the government for every cent he can get. He will continue to raise money, put it into his PAC, then spend that money at Trump resorts. His kids will continue to be trust-fund goons. And Donald Trump will steal some shit. C’mon, this is a guy who stole from his own charity and even a child’s golf ball. Donald Trump steals shit. He’s a grifter. He’s a conman and though he will not be president (sic) after noon on January 20, thank God, he will always be America’s First Conman.

In the past, he’s refused to pay contractors for work done on his resorts and casinos. He’s fought them in court then after settling for much less than he originally agreed with the contractors, he’d stiff the lawyers who fought the case for him. Even now in his last remaining days, he’s refusing to pay Rudy Giuliani’s legal fees and not just because he was charging by the farts. And that’s his friend. Do you know how you can tell a lawyer sucks? It’s when he takes on Donald Trump as a client.

As Donald Trump continues to claim he won the election, he’s packing to leave the White House. The staff is packing and they’re already taking shit out. The White House press office is totally empty and right now, Kayleigh McEnany is fabricating her resume. And some funny stuff has been spotted leaving the White House.

Often when a president and his family leaves the White House, they take some stuff with them they shouldn’t. When the Clintons left, they took a bunch of stuff they weren’t supposed to. They ended up paying the government for some of it and returned others. Was this them being corrupt or being confused? It’s hard to say. On one hand, the rules can be confusing. On the other hand, they’re the Clintons.

Presidents can keep gifts they receive from American citizens. They do have to report the value of it just like private citizens do. But, if the gift was given to the White House, not the president, then the gift belongs to the federal government. That’s where presidents are often confused. Did you give me or the White House that Persian rug?

In 1880, Queen Victoria gave President Rutherford B. Hayes (and yet another who was a better president than Trump) a really cool gift. It was a desk carved out of timber from the British ship H.M.S Resolute. Today, that desk is in the White House and has been used by nearly every president since. Why didn’t Hayes take it when he left the White House? Because gifts from foreign leaders go to the National Archives.

And presidents get some cool stuff, like jewelry, furniture, swords, puppies, pandas, and crocodile insurance. What? Richard Nixon got pandas from China which went to the National Zoo in Washington. President Obama got crocodile insurance from Australia. Donald Trump never received crocodile insurance probably because nobody gives a rat’s ass if he gets eaten by crocodiles…though I’ve been told crocodiles do have better taste.

So the rules on gifts can be confusing. Was it a gift to you or the White House, was it foreign or domestic, is it alive and can it eat you? But one thing is clear, if it was in the White House before you got there, you can’t take it.

This week, chief-of-staff Mark Meadows’ wife was seen taking out a stuffed pheasant. Maybe that was a gift directly to Mark Meadows from an American taxpayer or maybe he brought it with him when he took the job because no office is complete without a stuffed dead bird. The Meadows claim it was brought with him when he took the job and I think that’s believable as it sounds like something disgusting and tacky that a MAGAt would think spiffs up the place. If you see a Trump walking out with a painting of dogs playing poker, yeah that’s probably theirs. I half expect to see Don Jr. walking out with a leg lamp from the Italian city of Fragile.

Also seen being carted off was a bust of Abraham Lincoln, who Donald Trump taught us was a Republican. This bust belongs to the federal government and when not in the White House, is stored with the White House Collection of which the White House chief usher and the curator have responsibility for managing and accounting for in every presidency. The incoming president and his spouse choose which items they want in the White House from the official collection. My question is: Why would the Lincoln bust ever leave?

The Andrew Jackson painting? Sure. Send that back to the Collection. But the Lincoln bust? Can’t you assume the next president would want that to remain? And if not, I guess he’d say something after he assumes office and you can remove it then. But that won’t happen because everyone would want the Lincoln bust. Duh!

But, just who is the White House chief usher, the main dude responsible for keeping track of this stuff? He is Timothy Harleth and the curator of the White House Historical Association reports to him. The curator is a career professional who has been on the job for 30 years. Harleth, the usher, is a former employee of the Trump Hotel. Fuck.

There’s going to be a LOT of missing shit.

During a trip to Paris, Donald Trump was supposed to visit the Aisne-Marne American Cemetery for fallen Marines, but changed his mind when he thought it was pronounced “Asinine.” So instead of visiting war dead, who he considers suckers and losers, he went to the ambassador’s residence and stole some shit.

At the residence, he found a portrait and bust he liked of Benjamin Franklin, so he took those back to the White. He also took some Greek figurines (naked women) which was a step-up from the usual figurines he collects from Happy Meals. As it turns out, the items were not authentic and were replicas. That’s normal for Donald Trump as he has a history of purchasing copies then claiming they’re the real deal, despite the fact the authentic paintings are in museums.

The stuff from Paris was exchanged for the real deals which were in the federal archiaves, but how much do you want to bet it all accidentally lands at Mar-a-Lago? How about the Lincoln bust? How about everything in the White House?

Donald Trump is a grifter. Grifters gotta grift. If the curator was really smart, she would have anticipated this back in 2016 after the election, and had everything in the White House replaced with replicas. And the cool thing is, Donald Trump wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. He probably thinks the Las Vegas Eiffel Tower is the real one.

As for all the furniture, let’s hope the Bidens get a new mattress and additionally, fumigate the entire place. Matter of fact, the usual sanitizing and cleaning of the White House between administrations is much more intense this time. They’re saying it’s because of covid. Sure. That’s why.

I just hope somebody took a real inventory. And don’t trust that hotel guy. Count after him.

Of course, even though the Trumps will leave with stuff they don’t own, there is a positive aspect. They’re leaving. And even though they’re going to take stuff that’s not theirs, you bet there will be Trumpy stuff that’ll remain with us forever.

It’s going to take a long time to scrub all the orange funk off. But just in case, while the Trumps are leaving, check their pockets.

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Fudge Christmas

cjones12042020

I don’t begrudge Melania Trump for her comments about Christmas. I’ll say it too. Fuck Christmas stuff. Fuck Christmas decorations. Bold, eh? I just don’t really care and most Christmas music, to my ears, is total crap with there being only four good Christmas songs. OK, I don’t totally hate Christmas. I think it’s just the music and crass commercialism while other people are depressed and destitute. When I see the commercial of the guy buying two trucks for Christmas, I’m like, “fuck that guy.”

But back to Melania, she wasn’t cut out for this. Like her husband is a terrible president, Melania is a terrible first lady. It’s not just Christmas she doesn’t care about. She doesn’t care about being First Lady and it’s not a position she wants to hold. What the hell is “Be Best” when her husband is a cyber bully? What’s up with the garden photo-op in high heels? Yeah, I’m convinced she’s digging up weeds and getting her hands dirty. Her jacket said it all. She really doesn’t care, do you?

I only begrudge Melania for turning her eyes away from accusations her husband is a rapist, from him bullying women, throwing babies into cages after ripping them away from their parents, encouraging violence, validating racism, and giving shout-outs to Nazis. I hold all that against Ivanka too. Neither one of them really does care. At least Melania didn’t have much of a choice to be there. Ivanka chose to follow her father to Washington and be a troglodyte.

The people I hold it against in regards to Melania’s “fuck Christmas” comments are Trump supporters and anyone who promoted the bullshit campaign of the “war on Christmas.”

First off, if anyone is waging a war on Christmas, they’re losing. They’re losing bad too. Christmas is everywhere. I bet you heard Christmas music and saw decorations between Halloween and Thanksgiving. I’m sure you saw them in stores. I’ve seen the commercials. Santa Claus may not be watching you, but you’re watching Santa Claus. You have no choice. There is a game people are playing on social media about the Wham! song “Last Christmas.” The point of the game is to see how long you can go without hearing the song…because you have no choice. At some point between Thanksgiving and Christmas, you will hear “Last Christmas” unintentionally. My point is, you can’t escape Christmas. Somewhere, Andrew Ridgeley is hearing “Last Christmas” and saying, “Fuck Christmas!”

There has never been a “war on Christmas.” What is the “war on Christmas?” It’s another opportunity for bullshit asshole conservatives to pretend they’re the most oppressed and victimized people in the history of people.

And it seems to have sprung up when some people decided to say “happy holidays” instead of “merry Christmas.” Some people took offense. How dare you not say “merry Christmas.” It offends you that someone didn’t say what you want to hear while still wishing you well? And then, they got upset over Starbuck cups if they wasn’t enough Jesus on them. You have to be a whiny asshole to claim you’re oppressed by a cup. Personally, I’m only offended by a coffee cup if it contains pumpkin spice.

The reason a lot of people say “happy holidays” is because not everyone celebrates Christmas but they are probably celebrating some holiday during this time. Saying “happy holidays” is covering all the bases. Even then, I’ve never heard of a Jew or a Muslim killing someone for saying “merry Christmas” to them. From my own experience, I’ve heard Jews and Muslims say “merry Christmas” back. Why? Because they’re not assholes. And quite possibly, Jews and Muslims hope you have a merry Christmas. Even though I’m not horny for Christmas the way you are, I hope you have a merry Christmas as well.

Then, Donald Trump made the claim that after he was elected, Americans got to say “merry Christmas” again. Despite what Fox News promoted, you were never banned from saying “merry Christmas.” I’m not entirely sure where the “ban” came from. And even without a ban, I am not aware of any peer pressure on people preventing them from saying it. If anything, there’s been more pressure on people in this country to hide their beliefs if they’re NOT a Christian…or worse, don’t believe in a god at all.

Did you know Satanist don’t actually worship Satan? Why? Because they’re atheist. If there’s no god, there’s no Satan. Satanist don’t believe in Satan. If you’re a conservative, you don’t understand that at all. The only thing I don’t understand about atheist is, why have a church when you don’t believe? It seems like it goes against the point. But I digress.

But Donald Trump and his followers believe his rise to the White House liberated them and provided the confidence to say “merry Christmas” again. Can you find one of them who will tell you they stopped saying it until Trump was elected? Just one?

No. Donald Trump’s election did not restore anyone’s confidence to say “merry Christmas” again, but what it did do was give racist the confidence to make their racism public. It gave Nazis the confidence to Seig Heil in Trump hotel ballrooms. It gave tiki-torch Nazis the confidence to march in Charlottesville chanting, “Jews will not replace us” and ” Blood and soil.” It gave Proud Boys the confidence to go to peace rallies and attack people. It gave the Ku Klux Klan the confidence it needed to hold parades in honor of Donald Trump.

Isn’t it funny that racists celebrate Christmas? How do you celebrate the birth of Jesus while supporting a man who put babies in jail…and whose policies kills them? The Satanists have more compassion than you.

And how do you fear monger about a war on Christmas then remain silent when the First Lady says, “Fuck Christmas.” I bet you an Elf on a Shelf that if Michelle Obama ever said, “Fuck Christmas,” Republicans would have burned the White House down with her in it. When Melania says it, they stick their fingers in their ears and say, “fa-la-la-la-la…”

Melania Trump does not like your Christmas. She wants to take away your tinsel. She wants to unnog your eggs. She wants to unleash cats upon your Christmas trees. In her first attempt to decorate the White House for Christmas, it looked like Tim Burton on crack did it. Doesn’t her war on Christmas infuriate you? Doesn’t it just kick you in your jingle bells? Are you upset yet? No?

If you’re a Trump supporter and a Christmas lover and you’re not upset over Melania’s “fuck Christmas,” then I don’t think you love Christmas enough. Why are you waging a war on Christmas?

Now, I have to try to make it through the rest of today without someone forcing “Last Christmas” on me. I hate Wham! more than I hate Christmas.

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Fun With Faux Outrage

cjones12082019

The party that gave us baby jails is outraged that a liberal college professor would inject Trump’s youngest child, Barron, into politics and make jokes at his expense. Except the college professor didn’t do that.

Constitutional law expert Pamela Karlan was testifying before the House Judiciary Committee to give her opinions on impeachment. While answering a question from Democratic representative Sheila Jackson Lee, she invoked Barron’s name to make a point. Not one single Republican seemed to get the point.

Lee asked Karlan about the comparison “between kings that the Framers were afraid of and the president’s conduct today.” Karlan answered, “Contrary to what President Trump says, Article Two does not give him the power to do anything he wants. The Constitution says there can be no titles of nobility, so while the president can name his son Barron, he cannot make him a baron.” How dare she point out that Donald Trump has a son named Barron.

Representative Matt Gaetz, whose inclusion on the committee proves Republicans don’t take it seriously, was indignant. Gaetz is the kind of guy who thinks he’s made a strong point after making an ass out of himself. Earlier this week, he was indignant that the Republican governor of Georgia would appoint someone to the Senate that Trump didn’t endorse. Gaetz, who is from Florida, tweeted, “You are ignoring his request because you THINK you know better than @POTUS.” How dare someone think they know better than Donald Trump, especially concerning their own state. But Gaetz’s best outrage of the week was for Professor Karlan.

He screamed at her, “Let me also suggest that when you invoke the president’s son’s name here. When you try to make a little joke out of referencing Trump, that does not lend credibility to your argument. It makes you look mean. It makes you look like you’re attacking someone’s family. The minor child of the president of the United States.” Her sin was stating Trump has a son named Barron.

Here’s the funny thing about this phony outrage over someone saying Trump’s son’s name: Republicans are hypocrites.

Where’s Gaetz’s outrage over ripping children from their families at the border? It’s non-existent. For that matter, where’s Melania’s outrage?

Melania, or someone with her Twitter password, tweeted, “A minor child deserves privacy and should be kept out of politics. Pamela Karlan, you should be ashamed of your very angry and obviously biased public pandering, and using a child to do it.” The fun part of this is that Melania just used her son to go after her husband’s political foes. Republicans are always guilty of what they accuse others.

But where’s Melania’s outrage over family separation, or Trump boasting about barging into the dressing rooms of teenage beauty pageant contestants, or when he tweeted an attack at 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg?

White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham got in on the act and tweeted, “Classless move by a Democratic ‘witness’. Prof Karlan uses a teenage boy who has nothing to do with this joke of a hearing (and deserves privacy) as a punchline. And what’s worse, it’s met by laughter in the hearing room. What is being done to this country is no laughing matter.” Keep in mind, that these people who don’t understand the joke are constantly explaining to us when Trump is joking.

Charlie Kirk, a friend to Trumpy Jr., tweeted, “The left has complained for 2 months it is unethical to attack 49 year old Hunter Biden yet they now shamelessly attack 13 year old Barron Trump. This is the left, they don’t care about people, children, or America, only destroying Trump.” Just a couple months ago, Kirk accused Thunberg (remember, she’s only 16) of supporting “domestic terrorism.”

Fox News’ Laura Ingraham (this is getting too good) tweeted, “Karlan’s cheap shot invoking Baron Trump’s name just lost them any shred of hope that they’re going to win this impeachment battle in the court of public opinion.” Ingraham was outraged, but not enough to bother learning how to spell Barron’s name. Let me remind you, Ingraham taunted David Hogg, who many Republicans accused of being a “crisis actor,” over his college rejections.

Other Republicans pounced. Pence pounced. The Trump campaign pounced. One Republican congressman even entered Melania’s tweet into the Congressional Record.

Immigrant children, survivors of school shootings, and teenage climate activists are all fair game for attacks from Republicans. The rule is, don’t even say the name of a Republican’s child.

A cartooning colleague of mine, who is a level-headed guy, said Karlan messed up because she fed the GOP, Trump cult, and Fox News hosts’ fake outrage for the next six months. But I have an issue with that. Why should we change the rules because Republicans are idiots and liars? Apparently, we did change the rules because Karlan apologized before the hearing was over, which of course no Republican bothered to acknowledge, just like Trump isn’t a king, can’t make Barron a baron, or that “Barron” is the name Trump used to use when he’d call reporters pretending to be someone else to talk about himself.

Melania’s campaign as First Lady is titled “Be Best,” which is an anti-bullying campaign. This is why it’s hard to create satire on this administration. The thing Republicans are best at is pretending to be victimized.

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New Book: Tales From The Trumpster Fire

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Admired Bigly

cjones01042019

Every year since 1946, Gallup has released a poll of the most admired persons in America. Sitting U.S. presidents have captured the number one spot in 59 of the 72 years of the poll’s existence. Donald Trump is one of the exceptions.

This year’s top winner is former president Barack Obama. In fact, Obama has the second most number one finishes with eleven. Dwight Eisenhower sits on top with twelve. Trump sits at zero.

Donald Trump is that guy who can’t get over his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend. A day rarely goes by that he doesn’t tweet about Obama. It bothers Trump that Americans think more highly of Obama than him. Trump confronts this by attacking Obama and even creating lies about him, like claiming he wiretapped Trump Tower. Trump feels the need to describe himself as “your favorite president” while claiming Obama’s accomplishments as his own.

Trump did come in second in the poll, but that was just thirteen percent of respondents.

For most admired woman, America picked Michelle Obama, followed by Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, and then Melania Trump. Hillary Clinton has the record for number one finishes with 22.

Since Trump hasn’t tweeted about the poll, doubting its accuracy and calling it fake news, yet, maybe he’s not aware of it. He only watches conservative media, which probably hasn’t reported it, and perhaps his staff has kept it away from him. Yesterday, he tweeted about Obama’s house in Washington and the fence around it.

Think about it. Not only did Americans choose a black guy over Trump, but they chose two black women and Hillary Clinton over his wife. Yeah, he definitely doesn’t know about this poll yet.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!! 

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Melania’s Bad Side Can Be A Drag

cjones11172018

Melania Trump is not the first First Lady to influence her husband, the president of the United States. It’s not unusual, unique, or strange.

Sarah Polk helped her husband craft speeches and wrote letters for him. Sarah Fillmore helped create the White House library, which Trump still doesn’t know is in there. Caroline Harrison, a proponent of women’s rights and historic preservation was the first president-general of the Daughters of the American Revolution while she was serving as First Lady. Woodrow Wilson didn’t see anything unless his wife, Edith, approved, as she made daily decisions about what items should or should not be taken to him. Eleanor Roosevelt fought for the New Deal and women’s and civil rights while in the White House. Betty Ford was an advocate for the Equal Rights Amendment and the legalization of abortion (Time called her the country’s “Fighting First Lady,” and many conservatives wanted her to resign, though I don’t know how that would work). Betty even delivered her husband’s concession speech. Rosalynn Carter sat in on cabinet meetings. Hillary Clinton was appointed by her husband to the Task Force on National Health Care Reform and became and still, is a national villain to gaslighted Republicans. Nancy Reagan coordinated her husband’s schedule with an astrological chart, claimed Donald Regan, who was fired as Chief-of-Staff for disagreeing with her.

Normally, a First Lady’s influence on the staff is leaked out from White House insiders and not blasted in a press release stating the equivalent of “I hate their rancid ass and it should be kicked to the curb.” That’s basically what the East Wing issued yesterday in calling for the ouster of deputy national security adviser Mira R. Ricardel. The West Wing issued a response that they had no control over the East Wing. There’s more drama between these wings than left and right Twix.

The statement read, “It is the position of the Office of the First Lady that she no longer deserves the honor of serving in this White House.” No. There wasn’t a “meow” at the end, but she did tweet later about World Kindness Day. Here’s the weirdest part; Ricardel hasn’t been fired yet.

Ricardel is John Bolton’s deputy because that much xenophobia needs an assistant. Three current and two former White House officials said Tuesday that Ricardel had berated people in meetings, yelled at professional staff, argued with the first lady and spread rumors about Defense Secretary James Mattis. Now, I wanna know the Mattis rumors. They can’t be any worse than the president’s Mario-Mushroom rumor.

Chief-of-Staff John Kelly has been pushing for Ricardel’s ouster, but Melania may be pushing for his too.

There are rampant rumors that Homeland Security Director Kirstjen Nielsen and Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke are also on the poop list.

Melania told ABC News in an interview last month that there are some White House advisers she doesn’t trust. It’s nice to know we’re not the only ones except, I don’t trust any of them.

Maybe it’s good for us that Melania is influencing who should stay and go. But, perhaps she should focus on the East Wing a bit more than the West Wing. Not because she’s a woman, but because she has started a campaign she hasn’t engaged in. Her anti-bullying campaign is stark hypocrisy and a national joke since her husband is the most sexist bully this side of Biff Tannen. It would be like Ivanka leading an anti-nepotism campaign.

Personally, I’m looking forward to the future firing and their replacements and their future firings. I’m also hoping Trump acts as his own Chief-of-Staff for a while. But to be honest, I’m also a big fan of train wrecks.

I’m going out right now to buy Melania an astrological chart.

Be Complicit
What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!! 

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R U Being Served?

cjones06292018

Last week during a trip to Texas for a photo-op at a detention center holding migrant children the Trump administration separated from their parents, Melania Trump wore her now infamous “I REALLY DON’T CARE. DO U?” jacket.

Melania’s spokesperson issued a statement that the First Lady wasn’t sending a message despite the fact there was a literal message on the jacket. Then, the president undercut Melania’s team by saying it was a message to the “lying” media, and that Melania doesn’t care what they say.

Whether Melania was sending a message to the media, her husband, or on the issue, “I really don’t care” sums up the Trump administrations’ attitude toward human rights. In fact, the United States pulled out of the United Nations’ Human Rights Commission last week citing the abysmal human rights records of many of its members. Now, on the issue of human rights, the U.S. is becoming a pariah throughout the world…and in fine dining establishments in the Washington Beltway.

After lying to the nation that there was not a policy separating migrant families, Homeland Security Director Kirstjen Nielsen was booed out of a Washington Mexican restaurant. A few days earlier, the architect of the racist policy, White House adviser Stephen Miller was also heckled at a Mexican restaurant. Inflicting lifelong trauma on migrant children must make one acquire a hankering for tacos. If Hillary was elected, these ghouls wouldn’t need to hunt down Mexican restaurants as there’d be a taco truck on every corner.

White House spokesgoon Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked to leave the Red Hen restaurant in Lexington, Virginia over the weekend. One of the owners said Sanders works in an “inhumane and unethical” administration. That point was proven on the ethics part after Sanders used her government Twitter account to smear the establishment. Sander wrote, “I always do my best to treat people, including those I disagree with, respectfully and will continue to do so,” which is a lie. It’s not with respect when she lies to the nation and insults members of the media for asking questions she refuses to answer, like saying some sentences are too big for Jim Acosta at CNN.

Sanders was upset about being kicked out because she works for Trump, which highlights why she was kicked out. She doesn’t work for Trump. She works for you and me. We pay her, Trump doesn’t. How does she do the job we’re paying her for? She lies and supports an administration that is tearing our nation apart.

Trump jumped in to smear the restaurant Monday morning with a tweet of his own. The guy can’t say anything slightly critical of dictators, but he’s one step away from writing Yelp reviews. Not only did the president’s spokesperson attack a private business because of a personal grudge, so did the president of the United States. Kids in cages and baby prisons aren’t nearly as upsetting as Sarah not being able to get a churro.

Trump’s supporters, white Christians who claim they’re the most persecuted people ever in the existence of the Earth, attacked the Red Hen by writing nasty reviews online, forgetting the celebrations they recently had over an Indiana bakery being able to refuse to make gay wedding cakes.

A restaurant can’t refuse service based on religion, sexual orientation, or the color of your skin. But they can kick you out if they think you’re a jerk. Years ago, a restaurant asked O.J. Simpson to leave because they didn’t want to serve a man many people believe is a murderer. Recently, a court in New York ruled that a bar can refuse service to a man wearing a MAGA hat. The court said political viewpoints are not protected from discrimination.

I saw a cartoon recently of a maître d’ telling a couple, “I’m afraid we can’t allow two fat ugly bastards like you to have a window table.” Maybe some restaurants don’t want to be known for serving bastards who work in a racist, stupid, lying, corrupt administration.

Trump has taken this opportunity with the Red Hen to turn it into a red herring. He tweeted, “The Red Hen Restaurant should focus more on cleaning its filthy canopies, doors and windows (badly needs a paint job) rather than refusing to serve a fine person like Sarah Huckabee Sanders. I always had a rule, if a restaurant is dirty on the outside, it is dirty on the inside!”

I have the same rule toward politicians. If a politician has a ridiculous comb-over, fake spray tan, and can’t find a suit that fits thus looking like a jackass, then he’s probably a jackass.

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Be Best Be Bully

cjones05152018

It only took a year and a half after becoming First Lady for Melania Trump to reveal her social agenda. Melania is tackling online bullying with a program called “Be Best.” Really? After a year and a half, the best you can come up with is “be best?” Did someone already take “be gooder?” In addition to that, it’s rolled out in a re-packaged pamphlet from the Federal Trade Commission created during the Obama era.

Melania plagiarized a speech from Michelle Obama for her Republican National Convention speech. During her speech presenting the Be Best program, I was shocked she didn’t lift from Whitney Houston and say, “I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.” Hey, it takes a village.

The real crux of Melania’s anti-bullying Be Best campaign is that she’s married to the Be Worst president.

Donald Trump is a bully and Twitter is his favorite outlet to sling his attacks. He’s gone after minorities, women, and anyone else who dare criticizes him, no matter how small the target may be. He has done everything in his power to be as divisive as possible. Take his assault on black athletes in the NFL. And idiots want to give this guy a Nobel.

Trump has especially attacked women. He has a long history of it. He attacked Rosie O’Donnell years ago and called her a pig. During the campaign, he tweeted out a very unflattering photo of Heidi Cruz next to a pic of Melania. He said Megyn Kelly had “blood coming out of her wherever” after she asked him tough questions during a debate. He criticized fellow GOP candidate Carly Fiorina’s face. He called Alicia Machado disgusting and criticized her for gaining weight after she won his Miss Universe pageant. He said Hillary Clinton’s looks didn’t impress him. He continues to call Senator Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” He’s accused his accusers of not being attractive enough to sexually assault. He conducted a tweetstorm about Mika Brzezinski’s face because she’s not nice to him on Morning Joe. Let’s not forget he also endorsed a pedophile with the excuse, “he denies it.”

Throughout each of these attacks, Melania has either remained silent or defended his bullying.

Would Melania allow her son Barron to insult women the way his father does? That would be the equivalent of Michelle Obama telling us to feed our children carrots and broccoli while pumping Sasha and Malia full of Ho Hos and Ding Dongs.

Why should anyone listen to Melania Trump lecture about online bullying when her 71-year-old husband is verbally assaulting people with the creativity of an illiterate snail darter?

Melania’s initiative runs counter to Trump’s personal, professional, and public agenda which is shared by his entire administration. On the day of her Be Best ceremony where she said “Children deserve every opportunity to enjoy their innocence,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions was giddy in announcing ICE would be separating children from their parents and Donald was requesting funding cuts to children’s healthcare insurance. Children deserve the opportunity to enjoy their innocence unless they’re brown or poor.

Melania advocates Be Best while Donald exhibits Be An Asshole.

Here’s the video.

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Stormy

cjones02012018

Is it unfair of me to hit Melania Trump with a cartoon? Yeah. Political cartoons aren’t supposed to be fair. Show me a fair political cartoon and I’ll show you a crappy cartoon.

During the national meltdown that was Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky, conservatives and liberals alike wondered, some demanded, why Hillary wouldn’t leave Bill. I don’t like to judge other people’s relationships. But, I wondered the same thing at the time. I thought, man…Hillary can never wear a blue dress ever again. But, there are differences between Hillary Clinton and Melania Trump.

The first thing is, Bill did not marry Hillary to be a trophy wife. Republicans can’t make that argument after spending over twenty years insulting her looks. Bill and Hillary married right out of college. They tied their careers together. They were real partners. Hillary and Bill married each other believing in building a future of great accomplishments. None of that is true for Melania and Donald.

Melania is Donald’s third wife, who he cheated with on wife number two, who he cheated with on wife number one. Trump has a long history of cheating, grabbing women, and just being an all-around asshole toward them. Trump has bragged about assaulting women and barging in on teenage girls undressing. None of this can be news to Melania.

It is extremely difficult to believe that Melania, who is 24 years younger than Donald, would be married to him if he wasn’t a supposed billionaire or famous TV personality. Beautiful models don’t marry old, racist assholes with bad comb-overs who paint themselves orange…unless they have a lot of money.

I feel Melania’s pain and humiliation over the revelation that Trump had an affair with a porn star and paid her hush money. I’d be pissed too. But, while this issue may be new news to Melania, the fact Trump is a piece of crap can’t be unless she really is stupid. She may be ignorant but she’s not stupid.

She is a victim of her husband and a fair target for my criticism. She didn’t ask for this, but she can’t be surprised. Look who she married. She can’t be entirely ignorant about plagiarizing Michelle Obama’s speeches either. Also, how can she look at anyone with a straight face while talking about her anti-bullying campaign? Has she reasoned to her young son, named after Trump’s pseudonym, why bullying is wrong except when Daddy does it?

Melania publicly slapped Trump’s hand away on an international trip. She ditched the Davos trip after the Stormy news came out. It’s reported in Fire And Fury that she has a separate bedroom from Trump which proves she is a human being. This is not a real marriage. She should get out.

Republicans in Washington may be selling their souls and dignity, but Melania still has a chance to redeem hers.

As Oprah would say, you go, girl.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Schwag And Crowd Sizes

cjones09012017

With the bar being set very low for Trump, the man is being praised for not talking about his electoral victory, Hillary Clinton, fake media, or witch hunts during his trip to survey the flood Harvey brought to Texas. However, he did talk about crowd sizes.

The day started with Melania being mocked on social media for wearing ridiculous high heel shoes for their trip to Houston. The shoes, made by Manolo Blahnik which fetch for around $600 (of course I had to look that up. Who the hell is Manolo Blahnik?), was more of a fashion statement than smart footwear for surveying a flood. Apparently, she got the memo before they touched down in Houston as she swapped out for some more practical Adidas.

But, the accessorizing didn’t stop. Trump wore his “45 USA” cap with “TRUMP” stamped on the back. In case you’re wondering, yes it’s for sale at his website for $40. I know some baseball caps go for around that price, but if you spend more than twenty on a cap, then you’re an asshole (but it’s a good price for a signed print of a political cartoon).

Melania was also sporting a cap with the words “FLOTUS” stamped on the front. In case you’re an idiot, “FLOTUS” stands for “first lady of the United States.” No word yet if that schwag will be available on the Trump website in the future.

You never saw Barack or Michelle Obama pimping out schwag while they were touring disaster areas, or at any other times. He could have plugged “Dreams From My Father” at every appearance, but I guess he felt it wouldn’t have been presidential.

Maybe there’s too much criticism of Melania’s cap and heels, but do you remember when Obama was scorned for wearing a tan suit, or when Michelle was crucified for going sleeveless…and for everything else she ever wore? It’s kinda like how conservatives forget that they used to criticize a president for taking vacations and playing golf.

The main criticism Trump received yesterday was for his lack of empathy, and for commenting “what a crowd” at the people gathered to hear him speak. I’m sure it was an impressive crowd, though those people probably would have rather had been at their homes without wading through their living rooms. Not everything is about you, Donald. Perhaps next time he should say something about the people who are going through a natural disaster. Hey, it’s just a suggestion.

Word out of the White House is that Trump is peeved his Arizona rally didn’t draw a large enough crowd. Don’t worry, Donald. There will always be a crowd outside protesting.

It’s not that Donald Trump lacks empathy compared to Obama, Bill Clinton, or even George W. Bush. The fact is, we have a president who doesn’t care about anyone or anything that doesn’t have “Trump” on his, her, or its name.

Trump cares more about his $40 shitty caps than he does about anyone in Houston. That, you can take to the bank. Preferably, not a Russian bank.

Creative notes: Yes, I know. Katrina occurred while Bush II was president, but a lot of Republicans don’t know that. Really.

Also, I’m getting tired of drawing floods, life rafts, and canoes. At this point, I’m starting to miss the Nazis.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Trumpen Hooker

cjones08242016

Donald Trump LOOOOVES fake news. He loves conspiracy theories, gossip, rumors, and dirty lies. He peddles them, he tweets them, he finances them, and he bases his entire campaign off them.

The liberal website Think Progress has an article describing 12 conspiracy theories Trump has embraced. The site Alternet went even farther and reported on 58.

He’s pushed lies from right wing websites such as Breitbart to gossip from the National Enquirer ranging from birtherism, Ted Cruz’s father being in on the JFK assassination, to Hillary suffering some super secret health issue. Earlier this week he took issue with the MSNBC program Morning Joe and tweeted that hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski were secret lovers.

So it’s a bit hypocritical that Trump’s wife has hired lawyers to send out threatening letters to news outlets regarding rumors that she worked as an escort when she first arrived to the United States.

The Daily Mail, The Week(UK), Politico, Inquisitr, Tarpley, Before It’s News, Liberal America, LawNewz, Winning Democrats and Bipartisan Report have all received threats of lawsuits from the same lawyers who sued Gawker over a Hulk Hogan sex tape. I haven’t even heard of some of those outlets.

A few of those outlets such as Politico and The Week were focusing on questions over Melania’s immigration status when she first arrived to the United States in the 1990s and they mentioned the hooker allegations. Some of the other sites gleefully went to town over the rumors of Mrs. Trump working on her back which is really unfair, because if she did have a career in prostitution we really don’t know what sexual positions she employed.

Now I really don’t expect Melania’s Hulk Hogan lawyers to come after me. I’m just an itty bitty, microscopic, rapscallion political cartoonist that’s barely a blemish on the grand face of American journalism. I haven’t even been able to get an angry response or insult from Trump on Twitter and that makes me very sad. Though it would be kinda cool to get the national attention of a legal threat, the accusations of Melania working as an escort don’t pass the smell test. They’re not credible or substantiated. Darn. I haven’t even attracted hackers.

I have not read anything credible that proves Melania Trump ever performed sexual favors for money before she married Donald Trump.

My cartoons run in The Week and occasionally Politico gives me some love. Last year the site Liberal America, which was threatened by Melania’s lawyers, ran my work. It doesn’t surprise me they made the list as their ethics have been questionable and it’s the reason my cartoons are not on their site anymore. I pointed out to them that they can’t be a credible or respectable news site if they kept using work by writers and reporters who used pseudonyms. Their immediate response was to end our business relationship which was fine and their right. I was too amused by their insecurity and hurt feelings to be angry over it and I never published anything about it until now.

Back to the Melania issue: Legitimate news sites, even opinion sites, should not debase themselves to take up the pond scumming habits of the likes of Breitbart, even without the threats of lawsuits. Besides, Donald Trump really doesn’t like it when you act like Donald Trump.

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