Jesus

Fish Girl Fury


cjones07122019

White conservatives, the most victimized group in the history of victimization and creators of the term “snowflake,” are livid that a black girl has been cast as Ariel in Disney’s upcoming live-action remake of The Little Mermaid.

White scorn and condemnation were heaped upon Oscar-winning actress Halle Berry over the casting choice. She hadn’t received this much crap since 2004 when she was cast to play Catwoman. Perhaps the most unfortunate thing about that is Halle Berry was NOT cast to play Ariel in the Disney remake. Nope. That honor goes to Halle Bailey, an up and coming actress and one half of R&B duo Chloe X Halle, a group she’s in with her sister (in case you’re one of those white conservatives, her sister’s name is Chloe).

My first thought when I heard Berry had been cast wasn’t about her skin tone. I was confused because of her age. I thought maybe they were reanimating it or something. It boggled my mind. I mean, Halle Berry is beautiful but at age 52, she’s a little old to be defying her father’s orders about socializing with land dwellers (though she’s always welcome to socialize with me). Bailey, at age 19, does seem like a good choice for a disobedient teenage fish girl.

Usually, I’m more annoyed about there being a remake than I am about who’s starring in it. It seems Hollywood has run out of ideas. Ironically, the most original ideas that have been coming out of Hollywood over the past couple of decades have been animations. With Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King coming out later this year, and now The Little Mermaid, Disney seems hellbent on making live actions of all their animated classics. Personally, I’m looking forward to the outrage over the casting choice in Steamboat Willie.

I think white conservatives troll the internet looking for issues to get upset over. Back in 2013 when mixed-race couples were fairly new to commercials, they were livid over a black man married to a white woman in a Cheerios commercial. Now, almost every commercial features a mixed-race couple which seems smarts if you want to market your product to everyone. Now, they get upset over stuff like there not being an American flag on Nike shoes or “Merry Christmas” not being displayed on Starbucks cups, or someone pointed out that their racist president is a racist.

The funny thing is, the hypocrisy goes way back and extends to today over white casting choices. No white people were upset when Katherine Hepburn was cast in an Asian role in 1944 or a white guy as Charlie Chan in 1935. Hell, even John Wayne was once cast as an Asian. JOHN WAYNE! In recent history, actresses Emma Stone and Scarlett Johansson have been cast to play Asians. 2018’s Crazy Rich Asians was historic in that it was a Hollywood film that actually cast Asians for Asian roles.

The people upset over Bailey’s casting point out that The Little Mermaid is from a Danish fairy tale (if you’re a Republicans, Danish is Denmark). Obviously, Scandinavia is one of the whitest places in the world (which came as news to former Trump Homeland Security Director Kirstjen Nielsen, but she’s a Republican), so Hans Christian Andersen’s little mermaid was white. But, it should be pointed out, especially if you’re a Republican, that mermaids are fictional. Also, according to folklore, mermaids want to kill you. If you come up to me about a mermaid trying to kill you after luring you in with a siren love song, my first question isn’t going to be “what color was it?” My first question will be, “did it look like Daryl Hannah?”

Do we still care about stories and the talent of those telling them? Maybe we should hold judgment until we see the movie. Michael Keaton wasn’t taken seriously as the choice for 1989’s Batman until everyone saw it. Now, every new Batman is compared to Keaton. After being criticized for his casting, people were pleasantly surprised that Tom Cruise didn’t Top Gun it in that vampire movie with Brad Pitt.

Jason Momoa didn’t get much heat for playing Aquaman, despite playing the whitest superhero ever and him being of Native Hawaiian ancestry. But maybe people were mostly relieved he wouldn’t be splashing around wear a green and orange leotard. The lesson I’m trying to apply here is that race wasn’t a factor in that movie because there was nothing that could have saved Aquaman from being major suckage. I mean, it’s Aquaman for God’s sake. As for anger at movies, shouldn’t all that energy be reserved for anything new that Adam Sandler makes? Don’t we suspend believability over him always getting the hot girl or the fact people keep giving him money to make the same movie over and over?

Hopefully, Baily does better than Momoa did as Aquaman and Berry did as Catwoman. If you’re still upset about a black girl playing a fictional fish girl, then don’t see the movie, but let your kids go. Black Jesus will be very upset if you raise them to be as racist as you are.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!! 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch Me Draw.

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Weaseling Before Jesus


cjones06292019

The TV show South Park was developed from an animated Christmas card Trey Parker and Matt Stone were paid $1,000 to create for a TV executive to give to his friends in 1995. Titled Jesus vs. Santa, the short provides one token of wisdom we should all carry through life; don’t say “pigfucker” in front of Jesus.

Since you shouldn’t say “pigfucker” in front of Jesus, then you probably shouldn’t be one either. Additionally, I think we can all agree that one shouldn’t be a shitweasel in front of Jesus. If you dedicate your life to the teachings of Jesus Christ and characterize yourself as one of his followers, don’t be a shitweasel. Mike Pence is a shitweasel.

During his interview with Jake Tapper last Sunday, Christian Mike Pence shitsweaseled all over the place.

When South Bend, Indiana mayor Pete Buttigieg questioned how Pence could be a Christian while also serving as vice-president to the “porn star” president, Pence indignantly cried about his religion being attacked. I’m not attacking Pence’s religion. I’m attacking Mike Pence and his hypocrisy. I’m also attacking the hypocrisy of the 81% of Evangelical Christians that Pew Research Center claim voted for the Trump/Pence ticket. You’re all a bunch of shitweasels.

I am not a Christian or religious in any way, but I do know something about it. I was dragged to church every Sunday that my mother didn’t sleep in, procrastinate or forget. I lived with my aunt and uncle and their two daughters for six months while in the fifth grade, and they dragged me to church every Sunday in the morning and evening, every Wednesday, every day during revival week, and even Halloween. I had to go to church during Hallofreakingween. I didn’t even know there was Jesus candy. I also attended a private Baptist school for a year in high school. It was brutal. But, I believe all those years of religious trauma has given me at least enough knowledge to know that Christians are not supposed to lie. Do you know what the Bible says about lying? It’s against it. Mike Pence, a man so religious that he refuses to be alone with a woman who is not his wife, is a liar.

During his interview with Tapper, he claimed, “America has the cleanest air and water in the world.” That’s a lie. While the U.S. is tied with nine nations for cleanest water, we come in tenth for clean air.

Pence claimed that Trump said he’d call the FBI if he was offered dirt on political opponents. Another lie.

Pence claimed that six million jobs have been added during the Trump administration. Another lie. They’re sponging numbers from the Obama administration.

Pence claimed Trump has rebuilt the military. Can someone please tell me how? Do we have more tanks, ships, jets, rockets, hats? They’ve increased funding for the military but how has it been rebuilt in two years? Trump once claimed he’s rebuilt our nuclear arsenal when in fact, nothing has been changed regarding it. Liars.

Pence claimed that 90 percent of asylum seekers do not show up for their court hearings. Liar! Liar! Liar! This one is huge. It’s amazing he can keep that flaccid-Trump-adoring-while-have-a-bowel movement expression on his face while telling that lie. Pence must be on some serious medication. The truth is, 90 percent of asylum seekers show up for their court dates. There is a huge difference between TEN and NINETY (if you’re a Republican, it’s 80 percent of a difference). This one isn’t even a quibble or an exaggeration. It’s a fucking lie.

When asked about climate change, Pence said he’d go with the science. When Tapper pointed out that scientists from the Trump administration believe climate change is a threat, Pence refused to admit it was. When pressed several times, Pence still refused to say climate change was a threat. This is what a shitweasel does.

When asked about the conditions for children in detention centers, Pence was unable to defend the lawyers who argued that children don’t need toothbrushes or toothpaste, and instead blamed Democrats. He argued how Democrats weren’t funding more beds for the centers instead of answering why they’re the ones throwing children into these centers. It’s like building torture chambers then blaming someone else for not funding more beds for your torture chambers. Pigfuckers, stop throwing kids into torture chambers!

When asked why the administration wasn’t providing fundamentals to these children they’ve thrown into these torture chambers, Pence laughed. God-fearing Christian Mike Pence laughed when asked about children his administration has imprisoned. He went on to blame Congress, the Mexican government, and traffickers but refused to admit that they can provide blankets and toothbrushes. He accepts no responsibility for the administration’s policy of separating families and throwing babies into cages.

Instead of being an honest man, an honest Christian, Pence dodged and squirmed during the interview. It’s because he’s a shitweasel.

Taylor University is an Evangelical college in Pence’s Indiana. Last spring, Pence gave the commencement address. The Evangelical students got over 10,000 signatures on a petition or protest against Pence. It read, “Inviting Vice President Pence to Taylor University and giving him a coveted platform for his political views makes our alumni, faculty, staff and current students complicit in the Trump-Pence Administration’s policies, which we believe are not consistent with the Christian ethic of love we hold dear.” The students at Taylor know a shitweasel when they see one.

Mike Pence is a Christian but he doesn’t adhere to the faith. Nobody can while supporting lies and throwing children into concentration camps. Nobody can claim they walk with Jesus while supporting Donald Trump.

What would Jesus do?

What would Mike Pence do? Mike Pence would torture babies, like about it, and blame someone else. That’s because Mike Pence is a shitweasel.

And, he’s probably a pigfucker too.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
Whether you can help support, can’t, or just choose not to, please continue to enjoy and keep reading my work. Thank you!!! 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

Watch Me Draw.

Yappy Jesus


cjones06202018

Americans love to say America is the greatest country in the world. The new doctrine for our foreign policy is “We’re America, bitch.” But, I’m pretty sure the greatest country in the world wouldn’t separate children from their parents and imprison them in tents in the desert. Maybe there was some confusion, and they were supposed to be in tent prisons with dessert. Spelling is a challenge for this White House.

Obviously inspired by the recently pardoned Joe Arpaio (the racist law-breaking criminal sheriff in Arizona), the Trump administration is looking to place 1,000-5,000 immigrant children in tent cities in the desert. The number of migrant children the government has apprehended has increased by 20% since a “zero-tolerance” policy was initiated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen (who doesn’t know Norway is mostly white but knows a brown kid when she sees one). The new policy ordered the Border Patrol to refer anyone crossing the border illegally for criminal prosecution, no matter the situation. Some people being incarcerated haven’t crossed illegally, as they went to the Border Patrol and requested asylum, which we don’t grant anymore for people whose lives are threatened by gangs or spousal abuse.

The number of children currently held by the government is over 11,200 at some 100 facilities (with Trump murals and re-education classes) to hold them are around 95% full. One solution would be to stop separating children from their parents and throwing them all in jail, which sounds a little better than throwing toddlers to cacti and rattlesnakes. But, maybe the Trump murals will ward off the snakes and Gila Monsters.

Sessions justified this abuse of government policy by quoting the Bible. He cited Romans 13 when he said, “to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained the government for his purposes.” Funny thing. That’s the same verse used by Southerners to justify owning slaves in the 1800s. Scary thing: Sessions probably knows that.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a church goer as well. During a White House press briefing Thursday, Sanders was insulting members of the press (they really hate Jim Acosta) and using the Bible defense. She said, “I can say that it is very biblical to enforce the law. That is actually repeated a number of times throughout the Bible. It’s a moral policy to follow and enforce the law.”

I haven’t seen a government use religion to justify policy this much since the Taliban.

There are probably a lot of quotes from the Bible that can be used to defend this administration.

There’s, “Thou shall not grab strange vaginas, unless thou is famous.”

And then there’s, “Thou shall not boast about grabbing strange vaginas to a reality TV host on a bus unless it’s just locker room talk.”

Plus, “Do not shag a porn star unless she’s willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement.”

I think this one was added yesterday: “Thou shall not salute a North Korean General unless his large hat is really spiffy.”

I’m gonna let you in on a secret. I made those up. But, here’s one that’s genuine: From Deuteronomy 10:18-19, “God loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt.”

But, maybe I’m doing it wrong, and we’re only supposed to quote Old Testament God and not Hippy God.

Watch me draw.

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Tough Question


cjones08072015

I watched the first debate in a bar with some friends. First time, and probably the last, I have ever asked anyone to switch the channel to Fox News. I watched the second debate at my drawing table with an Italian sub from Wawa.

My thoughts on the debate:

It kicked off to an exciting start when toadie moderator Brett Baier asked the candidates to pledge not to run a third party campaign. Donald Trump refused to take that oath. Trump promised to support the party nominee if it’s Trump.

Trump was Trump. He got upset with a question and went off on moderator Megyn Kelly during the debate and after on Twitter. He was a real cry baby. In other parts of the debate he didn’t back down from anyone. Of course he didn’t make much sense and didn’t offer any specifics except that he’s rich, successful and popular.

Rand Paul’s campaign is dying. He tried to make a name for himself by attacking Trump and Chris Christie. He even criticized Christie for hugging Obama. I don’t think the crowd liked Christie’s response but I thought he burned Paul pretty well with saying “he remembers the hugs from victims of 9/11.”

Jeb Bush didn’t hurt himself. He didn’t help himself either. Neither did Scott Walker who reminded everyone that he rides a Harley.

John Kasich was on home turf and he wasn’t booed by the GOP crowd by saying he went to a gay marriage and would still love one of his daughters if she was gay. For Republicans, that’s progress.

Rubio came off pretty polished and will probably siphon off support from Bush.

Ted Cruz came off as a saner Trump which is like coming off as a less rattier rat. He still looks and comes off creepy in a very Uncle Fester kind of way.

Mike Huckabee said the military is for killing people and breaking things. That’s something Rush Limbaugh used to say. I don’t know what bothers me more. A presidential candidate stealing material from Rush Limbaugh or the fact I know Rush Limbaugh said that.

I think Ben Carson had the best joke and came off as the most likable. He stated that everyone mentions things that only they’ve done out of the candidates so he’d do the same. He mentioned being the only one to separate Siamese twins, operating on a fetus and removing half a brain. Then he said looking at Washington you’d think someone had beat him to removing half a brain.

They all talked about immigration, Iran, abortion, Hillary, and Obama. There was no mention of climate change or voting rights.

Personally, I like the styles of Carson, Rubio and Christie. Yeah, I like Christie. He used to be a moderate and I think he comes off more human than most, though he’s a horrible governor.

In the earlier debate (the Kid Table Debate), the media and social media is praising Carly Fiorina. That’s what low expectations gets ya’. Her winning that debate is like winning the NIT championship. Maybe she’ll move into the top ten now.

Not all the questions were softball questions but most came off from a partisan stance, as though the moderators worked for the GOP. Kelly did a good job at times. The Jesus question at the end was stupid and after halfway through the candidates, they added another question to that question which I thought was amateurish.

The next debate will be hosted by CNN. I don’t know the format yet but I’ll be checking in on that later today.