A lot of stupid crazy shit goes down in Arizona. People look at the fake audit by a fake security firm owned by Republicans and say, “Only in Arizona.” I don’t think that’s fair. Sure, crazy shit happens in Arizona that wouldn’t happen in most other places…but it’s not fair to say, “Only in Arizona.” It’s not fair to Florida.
Florida was doing crazy recount shit before it was cool. Florida is old-school crazy. Back in 2000, Florida upheld the national election and only stopped recounting when the Supreme Court told them too, which made George W. Bush president. Don’t you remember hanging chads?
Arizona and Florida have reputations for not being the best of us. In the excellent TV show, “The Good Place,” the very stupid character, Jason, is from Jacksonville. Jason has quotes like, “Yo, you should listen to me. I came up with hundreds of plans in my life and only one of them got me killed,” and, “I’m telling you, Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.” After delivering one of his stupid comments, Eleanor says, “Are you from Florida?” Eleanor is from Arizona. She’s the one who’s most ethically-challenged.
Some of Eleanor’s best quotes are, “Anything she left in your apartment now legally belongs to you,” “Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?”, “How dare she steal the identity I stole?”, “I was a good person for six months. That’s like five years” and, “Ya’ basic.”
But, Arizona…compared to Florida, ya’ basic. Florida has “Florida Man.” Florida has Matt Gaetz. Roger Stone moved to Florida. Donald Trump moved to Florida. Sure, Arizona has Arizona State, but Florida has Jacksonville. It’s said that people move to Florida to die, but they have to lose their minds along the way.
One thing crazy stupid-ass fucknut states have in common is that they typically vote Republican. Crazy, stupid-ass fucknut states were all ripe and fertile territory to become Kool-Aid-drinking Trump cult breeding grounds. Look at Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas, South Carolina, and Missouri. These states are the least educated and the most dependent on government assistance. But Arizona and Georgia are two states moving away from that.
Arizona and Georgia are two red states that flipped from Trump to President Biden. Florida is a state that went for President Clinton twice, President Obama twice, then Donald Trump twice. Florida regressed. It elected racist Ron DeSantis its governor and his approval ratings are at 55 percent. This is a guy who signed a bill making it legal to run over black protesters. That’s not legal in Arizona.
Arizona is going blue. It now has two Democratic senators in addition to voting for Biden. But Republicans are not going without a fight. They’re doing a fake audit of Maricopa County, the largest county in the state.
A judge gave the Republican Party the right to a recount, but where the people counting are only Republicans. Florida is impressed. The firm conducting the recount is operated by members of the Trump cult and it has ZERO experience conducting recounts or having any business with elections. Oh yeah…the firm, Cyber Ninjas, is from…wait for it…yeah, you guessed it. Florida!
There are all sorts of conspiracy theories with the ballots. China had flown in tens of thousands of ballots to Maricopa County via a South Korean airplane to swing the election for Biden. Since China got involved, they’re scanning them for traces of bamboo (no word on soy sauce). Donald Trump tweeted that the entire Maricopa County voter database was deleted, which was a lie that forced the Republican official leading the Maricopa County Recorder’s Office to speak out.
Here’s a fact: All eight cases brought in Arizona state and federal courts alleging widespread fraud, inaccuracies, or irregularities lost big time. So, why is there a recount? Exactly! Why is there a recount?
Why has the recount been given to Republicans? Why has the recount been given to a “security” firm run by Trumplicans with no election experience, and whose CEO claimed the election was hacked by the deceased Hugo Chavez? Why are they refusing to allow the press to watch the recount? How come we don’t even know who’s paying for the audit? Could Florida have pulled this off? Give them time.
Republicans claim there was election fraud and the count was fake…so they’re doing a fraudulent recount. What’s next? The fuckers doing the fake recount are going to declare Donald Trump won Maricopa County. Remember, the election was over six months ago and it’s been certified by the state and Congress. Joe Biden is literally in the White House.
One of the people doing the count said, “I think Donald Trump won the election—firm believer. I hope we come to a point where we’re happy with the results and truth is told.” She sounds totally non-partisan to me. Another auditor, who was at the Trump-initiated MAGA terrorist attack on the Capitol Complex, is also on these ballots. In Arizona, it’s illegal to count ballots that have your name on them.
We know with this recount, three people are counting each ballot as they spin on a Lazy Susan (that’s like a turntable. I had to look that up). If one person disagrees with the other two, that person is ignored and they go with the result from the two. They don’t reexamine the ballot that’s probably still spinning on a turntable. Remember, all these fuckers are Trump goons.
Republicans think Maricopa County is a domino. After it falls for Trump, so will Arizona, then Georgia, then Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, and Nevada. You have to be on the same level of crazy as Marjorie Taylor Greene to believe any of this nonsense, but it’s where Arizona finds itself.
Brood X is coming, but the cicadas are not coming to you if you’re in Arizona or Florida. The cicadas are smarter than Trump voters. They don’t want to go anywhere near Florida Man or Arizona Man. Their asses may be falling off, but they don’t want any business with Arizona and Florida.
After reading today’s cartoon, my proofer Laura told me, “It’s getting harder to satirize these people.” It’s been that way for five years plus. And seriously, how do I top scanning for bamboo?
Cicada note: This Washington Post piece about the cicada’s short life cycle is informative and fun.
Creative note: I started drawing this Saturday morning, but stopped when I got my Matt Gaetz inflatable girlfriend idea. I forgot I had recorded what I drew Saturday, and because I wasn’t paying attention, it was included in the video for the Gaetz cartoon. I don’t think anyone noticed.
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