Covid 19

Famous Last Words


cjones03252020

If you want to, feel free to print this out and use a Sharpie to write the names of yourself and significant other on these characters. Don’t use the Sharpie as a weapon.

We’re day 6 in the federal government’s request that we self-isolate. Have you killed anyone yet? I’m fortunate in that I live alone because I am a loner and people piss me off when they’re doing normal things, like breathing.

I moved into my apartment three weeks ago and it’s the first time in about 20 years that I’ve lived alone if you don’t count a couple months between roommates after I was laid off in 2012. I gotta say, I couldn’t have better timing.

But one thing that’s really cool is that I’ve had several friends call and check up on me. That makes me feel good because if I die alone, then maybe my body will be found within a few days.

I hope we get back to normal, or something that resembles it. I hope businesses open again soon. I hope businesses will start rehiring the people they laid off. I hope we can greet fellow human beings in a normal fashion. I’m looking forward to talking to someone and being closer than six feet. I don’t care what your politics are, I want you to come through this OK, even if you’re a Trump-supporting asshole.

Take care of yourself and those around you. And if you go a few days without seeing a cartoon from me, please send somebody to come look for my body.

Tip Jar:

This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

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MAGA Socialism


cjones03222020

Isn’t it funny that everything Republicans complain about turns around and bites them in the ass? Isn’t it funny that they don’t have any principles?

For decades, they proclaimed they were about family values and wouldn’t support any candidate who appeared unethical or messed around on his wife. Today, nope. In fact, many believe Donald Trump, who cheated on wife number 1 with wife number 2 and cheated on wife number 3 and has 5 kids with 3 different women, was sent by God. And maybe God did send Donald Trump but only because he was out of locusts. Frankly, I’d prefer the locusts. If anything locusts probably don’t cheat on their wives.

They used to talk a big game about cutting spending, but in all honesty, Republicans haven’t tried to cut spending or balance a budget since the 1950s.

Republicans always claimed they were better with foreign policy, more patriotic, and had more respect for our military. They were never any good with foreign policy. As for being more patriotic, they would rather deflect and ignore an attack on our democracy if it helps them steal shit. And the military? Today, they support a guy who feuds with Gold Star families, says POWs aren’t heroes, and resists giving money to veteran groups after holding fundraisers, conducted by his campaign, for them.

Republicans always want to reduce spending on welfare and make it as difficult as possible for poor families to receive government assistance. But since social welfare is the only welfare they complain about, it’s not really the spending they have an issue with. Spending on social welfare is about 1 percent of the federal budget. We spend double on corporate welfare and you never hear a Republican demand corporate executives pee in a cup. Hell, they never demand that corporations receiving government assistance don’t buy back their own stock or give executives six-figure salaries and million-dollar buyout options.

But maybe the one thing Republicans hate the most is socialism. It makes them so angry that they’re too upset to look up the difference between socialism and communism. Over the past few years, they claim that democratic socialism will turn us into Venezuela, ignoring that democratic socialist nations are more like Norway and Luxembourg. They argue that all Bernie Sanders wants to do is give everyone “free stuff,” ignoring the fact that they voted for an idiot who literally promised them a free wall.

Now, the Trump administration is trying to work out a plan to give corporations, small businesses, and everyday-working shmoes like me and you cash as quickly as possible. It’s like that J.G. Wentworth commercial and we need cash now, except we’re not in a bus with opera-singing Vikings because that’d be a great way to catch Covid-19 (great story though. “How’d you catch Covid-19?” “I was on a bus with opera-singing Vikings”). The plan, being designed mostly by Treasury Secretary Steve Baby Fishmouth Mnuchin, will cost around a trillion dollars. Former White House Communications Director for 8 minutes Anthony Scaramucci says to really help everyone and to keep the economy from imploding like a Trump casino (my analogy, not his), the government will need a stimulus package of 3 trillion. He’s probably right.

I think there should be some huge conditions attached to these bailouts, especially for corporations. Maybe attach agreements that they don’t use the money to purchase their own stock and that millionaire executives need to take huge pay cuts. And how about no huge severance packages? On top of all that, make sure no bailouts to toilet paper companies because they are not hurting right now.

The reason I think the Mooch is correct is that Mitt Romney’s idea is to give every American $1,000 which seems to be where Fishmouth is going. That’s a great start. We could all use an extra thousand bucks, but for most people, that won’t even cover one month’s rent.

Andrew Yang, who ran for president in the Democratic primaries, wanted to give every American $1,000…a month. Now, it appears every Republican wants to be in the Yang Gang.

What I want to ask every Republican who loves the idea of this bailout and is praising Donald Trump for it is: Isn’t this socialism? Isn’t this free stuff? Won’t this turn us into Venezuela? Are you a fucking hypocrite?

I have an idea: Let’s only give to people who didn’t vote for Trump in 2016. Let’s make sure that everyone who ever complained on social media about socialism doesn’t get a check. They won’t mind because they’ve already told us that people who like Bernie’s ideas are lazy, socialism is bad, giving away “free stuff” is stupid, and they don’t want anything to do with it. If they really need to eat and they don’t have money, they can take their guns out in the woods and hunt for their food. They’re not lazy so it shouldn’t be a problem. They can just pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

Or, they can just return what the government gives them and ask that it go towards the wall they love so much and believe is already under construction.

That’s 62 million assholes we don’t have to worry about because they don’t want socialism and “free stuff.” We heard you and guess what. I’m not going to forget you said it.

What I’m looking forward to is the gaslighting they’re about to engage in. I’m excited to hear their reasoning that this isn’t socialism or “free stuff.” How will they explain it’s not welfare when they get it? This is going to be too good. If they can blame Obama for Trump’s disastrous response to the coronavirus pandemic, or that Trump was sent by God, then they can gaslight anything.

Normally, I’d tell Trump supporters they can go eat something else (shit. Bag of dicks. Etc.), but today, I’ll be helpful.

Hungry? Go eat your MAGA hats.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From 

Watch me draw.

Democratic Hoaxes Kill


cjones03062020

I have a brand new apartment and I’m in love with it. It’s the first time in nearly 20 years I’ve lived alone, and that’s something I’ve been waiting a very long time for. It’s really cool because it’s inside a very old building that you have to enter and climb stairs to get into the apartment. It’s kinda like Seinfeld’s apartment but with a fourth wall. Part of the reason I’m giving you a cartoon today is that I needed to create in the new atmosphere. Another reason I’m telling you about the new place is that I’m really hoping my new neighbors don’t hear me screaming at my television.

I talk to myself. I talk to animals. I talk to inanimate objects. And, I scream at my TV. I especially scream at it whenever a Republican is talking because when Republicans are talking Republicans are lying.

After the Coronavirus claimed its first victim in the United States, Trump and assorted goons held a press conference that probably registered a 9.8 on the Richter scale of Trump dumbassery.

The first thing I was disgusted by is that even during something serious, like a pandemic killing people, is that each speaker has to take a few moments to kiss Donald Trump’s ass. But for Mike Pence, it’s more like he takes a few moments from kissing Trump’s ass to talk about other stuff. He said that Trump closed off travel from China because of the Coronavirus and he’s the first president to do this. That was the first time I yelled at my TV in my new apartment.

Donald Trump and his Trump Turdlings have been minimizing, playing down, deflecting, and lying about this pandemic. This is a time when a leader needs credibility. Donald Trump can’t even take the time to realize the importance of being taken seriously during a crisis…which is why a president should always work to be taken seriously. While I want Trump to stop making everything about himself, it would really be nice if his underlings wouldn’t have to pause everything for moments of kissing Trump’s ass. Serious people lose their credibility with this shit, and then they’re done. You can be a highly-respected individual and professional, but after you start working for Donald Trump, I can’t trust you. The next thing you know, you’re Omarosa.

The night before at a hate rally in South Carolina (because there’s a primary in that state and there might be a second or two there when no one is mentioning Donald Trump), he claimed his political opponents were weaponizing the virus against his presidency and said, “This is their new hoax.”

Concerning people with the virus, Trump said, “Many of them are in good shape right now and they are better in going home. It’s time for all Americans to put politics aside and to come together to work for the health, safety, and security of the American people… we have to make it nonpartisan if we can.” And then someone died.

On Saturday when asked if he regretted calling it a hoax, he told the reporter her question was “dishonest.” Donald Trump, questions aren’t dishonest. It’s your answers that are lies. After telling us Friday to “put politics aside” and we have to “make it nonpartisan,” he blamed the Democrats again and said, “The hoax is on them. I’m not talking about what’s happening here. I don’t like it when they are criticizing (federal health officials), and that’s the hoax.”

He was also asked if his use of the word “hoax” could deter people from taking cautionary steps against the coronavirus. He said it would not which would be calming and reassuring if half the country didn’t eat the shit that comes out of Donald Trump’s mouth.

Trump has blamed his political opponents and the press for using the virus and creating a hoax to hurt him. His idiot kid has said the same thing along with several members of his administration. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo was testifying before Congress about Iran when he was asked by Congressman Ted Lieu, “Do you agree with Donald Trump’s chief of staff Mulvaney that the coronavirus is the hoax of the day?” Mulvaney told the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) that the coronavirus was the hoax of the day.

Pompeo answered, “The State Department is doing everything it can to protect American citizens around the world.” Lieu asked again, “Do you believe coronavirus is a hoax?” Pompeo deflected and said, “I’m not going to comment on what others are saying I’m just telling you what the Secretary of State is doing.”

“It’s not even a gotcha question,” Lieu continued. “Do you believe the coronavirus is a hoax?” Pompeo wormed out of it with, “It is a gotcha moment. It’s not useful.”

It wasn’t a “gotcha” question. Is it a hoax or not? Maybe someone in the administration should tell Americans the virus is NOT A HOAX. But, they can’t say anything that might disagree with Trump, even if it kills people.

Trump has called the free press “fake news.” He claimed the investigation into his collusion with Russia and the fact they supported him was a “hoax.” He claimed the impeachment was a “hoax.” Now, he’s claiming the virus is a “hoax.” Everything Trump claims is a hoax turns out to be real. This virus is real and it kills people. Donald Trump doesn’t care.

Does anyone really believe Trump would be calling these press conferences about the virus if the stock market wasn’t crashing? He’s only concerned because a faltering economy will hurt his reelection. If the economy starts to slip, Donald Trump doesn’t know how to fix it. He’s been riding on President Obama’s successes since he came into office. Just like he’s done with everything else, when it comes to the economy, Donald Trump will prove he’s unqualified for the job of president. The real credit for the great economy belongs to President Obama, because he created something so strong that even Donald Trump, with his huge tax cuts to billionaire assholes, his trade wars, his attacks on the Fed, a national debt reaching into the trillions, and a daily demonstration that he doesn’t know dick about anything, hasn’t been able to fuck up.

Donald Trump’s administration is mismanaging this crisis. Trump reported it was a female, but it was a male. And the people, the experts who are supposed to be on top of this, have to pause every two seconds to kiss Donald Trump’s ass. They have to kiss the ass of a man who doesn’t care about you. Donald Trump doesn’t care if you live or die. Nothing can stop Donald Trump from lying. Even dying Americans can’t stop him from lying.

Americans need to be able to trust and believe their president. Unfortunately for Americans, the president (sic) is Donald Trump and Donald Trump only cares about Donald Trump.

And in case my walls aren’t thick enough, I hope my new neighbors get used to hearing me scream at my TV.

Support the cartoonist.

You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From 

Watch me draw.