Trump 2016

Republican Balls


cjones07202016

You can’t bring tennis balls to the Republican convention in Cleveland. You also can’t bring laser pointers, coolers, selfie sticks (that one I support), water cannons, axes, cestuses (Google that), and fireworks. There are 72 items banned from the convention. Guns is not one of them.

The Cleveland police asked the governor to suspend open carry laws, because they apparently don’t believe in that “good guy with a gun” narrative nonsense. Governor John Kasich said no.

I’m watching the convention as I watch this and the theme is “Make America Safe Again.” It’s coming off more as “Make American Paranoid.” They’re talking about death and stoking fears and spreading conspiracy theories. And Republicans wonder how a Donald Trump could become their nominee.

It sounds like a brilliant idea to make everyone paranoid, fearful, and angry in a gun zone.

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Night Of The Comet


cjones07042016

In the 1980’s one movie so bad that is was almost good was Night Of The Comet. It’s about a comet wiping out the entire planet except for two teenage girls. Mutant cannibals and other survivors with nefarious intentions show up while the girls and a guy they meet run wild shopping in Los Angeles. I’m sorry to inform you the movie totally lacked sex and gore. Your kids can watch it. If this movie was made in 2016 the two girls wouldn’t notice humanity has been obliterated because they’d be too busy taking selfies.

I’m sure if a comet did wipe out the planet then only two of the survivors would be Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. And Seth Rogen. That would suck.

A new Washington Post/ABC News poll gives Donald Trump an unfavorable rating of 51%. Things are only a little better for Clinton who is disdained at the moment by 34%. She’s two points higher in likability. Hillary Clinton’s great fortune is her opponent is Donald Trump. But still, there’s not a lot of bragging rights to being preferred just 11% higher than an egotistical, pathological lying, blowhard, ignorant, stupid racist with comical hair and an orange spray tan. These are Idi Amin numbers.

There was another poll last week asking people which would they prefer: Clinton presidency, Trump presidency, or planet destroyed by meteor. Public Policy Polling conducted the poll and 43% picked Clinton, 38% picked Trump and planet-destroying meteor got 13%. Seven percent were unsure. Maybe they wanted more details like: would it be a quick and painless death? Do I have time to make one last Facebook status? Will I at least be able to watch Seth Rogen die? I mean seriously, we don’t need Seth Rogen. We have Jonah Hill. They’re basically the same person.

I think we can call people who’d prefer death by meteor over a Trump or Clinton presidency, glass-half-empty-people. That’s some pretty negative expectations and outlook for the future.

I’m not a fan of Hillary Clinton but I still believe our nation has a great future ahead with her as president. We’re moving in a progressive direction and I don’t think she can mess that up too much. There will be aspects of it I won’t like. There will be scandals, congressional investigations, special prosecutors, and moments of cringe-worthy embarrassment. Wall Street will love it. I still prefer her over Trump.

I’m not worried about a Trump presidency because it’s never going to happen. I guess I’m a glass-half-full-person because I can’t believe my country is stupid enough to give the White House to an Oompa Loompa troll. Even if Trump does win the presidency I would probably be more concerned with his V.P pick as Trump will be impeached. Trump believes he’s above the law now. What’s he going to try to get away with as president?

I can understand the negative and hopeless outlook for people who believe Hillary Clinton is just as bad or worse than Trump. I mean, if the only options were Trump or meteor, I’d consider the meteor….if I was a normal person.

I’m not a normal person though. I’m a political cartoonist. Can you imagine the fun I would have with a Trump presidency? I mean, at least before he had me imprisoned, or accused of being Mexican and deported after someone tells him where Mexico is located.

Or he’d throw me in a cell with Seth Rogen. I’m gonna put some more thought into that meteor thing.

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Paul Ryan The Speaker Guy


cjones06302016

I’m kinda disgusted with myself. I feel icky for drawing Larry The Cable Guy, a testament to America’s rejection of intellectualism and a tribute to lowbrow humor and stupidity. I feel all sorts of nasty because I googled quotes from Larry The Cable Guy as I was going to use one for this cartoon and then I decided not to as too many focus on farting. Finally, after reading all the Larry poop jokes I must have lost a few brain cells as I was on the verge of texting copy editor friends of mine with “is it ‘Get ‘Er Done'” or ‘Get-R-Done?'”. All that’s missing is some Luke Bryan music playing in the background (Luke Bryan’s a country singer, right? I can’t Google anymore stupid tonight).

I need a shower but I probably don’t need one as much as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s going to after speaking at the Republican National Convention next month in Cleveland.

Before Ryan endorsed Trump he said if Trump didn’t want him at the convention he was cool with it. It probably went down like “really! I’m cool with it. I’ll be fine. I’ll find something else to do. It’s all good. Just go on without me. Seriously.” But then the idiot went and endorsed Trump the same day he described some of Trump’s words as “racist,” and got himself back into that stinky convention commitment. Try worming your way out of it now, Mr. Speaker.

Trump has been reaching a lot of voice mails lately. He’s calling people to speak at the convention and a lot of them aren’t answering, or they’re changing their numbers, burning their phones, going off the grid, going MIA. Seriously, has anyone seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? He’ll be back.

Chris Christie will attend but there’s probably catering (that’s not entirely a fat joke as I myself have attended some messed-up stuff for a buffet. I have probably attended 17 Rotarian meetings where the speaker was Trent Lott every. single. time. I’m a newspaper person and we’ll go anywhere for a free sandwich). Newt Gingrich will be there but he’s always selling a book or something (this year it’s a pop-up and the reviews have been amazing. I made that up…about the pop-up and the reviews). Usually congressmen are clawing over each other for a speaking spot. This year they’re running away as if Trump had a leprosy Chlamydia combo going. It’s Chlamydprosy. You don’t want that. It’s hard enough getting people near you as a Republican.

Trump has also stated that if people don’t endorse him, specifically the former GOP candidates like Ted Cruz and John Kasich, that they shouldn’t be allowed to speak at the convention. That might bother Ted Cruz because he’s an attention whore, but John Kasich seems fine with it. He doesn’t need to make the long hour-long slog from Columbus to Cleveland in July. He’s probably already sent the “you do you” text.

Did you think it got weird in 2012 at the McCain/Palin convention when Clint Eastwood talked to a chair? Wait until Ted Nugent reads a love poem to an Uzi.

Traditionally every Republican party leader attends the convention and speaks. Trey Gowdy’s going to the beach and Mark Sanford is walking on a trail. Mitt Romney’s staying home to count his car elevators. John McCain can’t think of a worse place to be, and he was a POW. If there’s a tarnished former president like Richard Nixon, they kinda shove him aside and don’t speak of him. But traditionally former presidents show up. Neither George H.W. or George W. Bush aren’t attending. This is the first time not going to a party is George W. Bush’s choice.

This pretty much leaves speaking at the convention to the likes of Mike Ditka, Bobby Knight, Dana White (he runs that UFC stuff), Tom Brady (he’s a maybe), Brian France (who runs NASCAR which is kind of a sport), and Mike Tyson who’s not even capable of speaking. We’ll probably also be treated to appearances by Sarah Palin and Chachi.

Have you ever seen the warm up acts for a Trump speech? Yesterday in Maine the warm up guy was doing a racist imitation of Native Americans while calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” Look forward to three full days of that.

Did anyone invite Carrot Top? He was a last-second addition to this cartoon. I know he’s working Vegas but he’s probably available for $300 and a bus ticket. Someone should call him and “get ‘er done.”

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Brexit


cjones06242016

Sorry I didn’t write a column for the last two cartoons. I actually received a few comments on social media and more than one email asking why. I appreciate that some people actually like the columns, or even read them. I don’t consider myself a writer in the sense of a columnist or author. I write cartoons and songs. My style of writing a column is kinda easy, which is why there’s usually a typo or two I need to correct everyday. They also help keep people on the website longer (gotcha!) and encourages their return.

I didn’t write columns for those cartoons because I felt there wasn’t a need for one and the lack of any words by me helped push the cartoons. I’m not sure I’ll make up for it with this column.

The United Kingdom is proving the United States isn’t the only nation with a lot of stupid, nationalistic, and xenophobic people. They’re leaving the European Union.

I understand the desire to leave the EU. England has a great tradition and used to be an empire. They have their own identity. But I don’t think they’ve lost it by strengthening their financial structure. At this moment the pound versus the dollar is at its lowest since 1985 all because of this “Brexit” nonsense. Even Obama has come out in favor of the UK staying in the EU. It makes more sense financially and apparently the banks agree.

A lot of people attribute this to the sort of nationalism and racism we’re witnessing today in the U.S. The UK believes they’re too progressive and smart for the the likes of a Donald Trump, but they have their ultra right wing radicals willing to throw their economy in the loo and become poorer because brown people are entering their nation. One of the radicals actually killed a member of Parliament, Jo Cox, who campaigned against leaving the EU. Her killer is apparently tied to pro-Apartheid, Nationalists, and Neo-Nazi groups. Go figure. Donald Trump would probably describe the killer as passionate.

While people look at trade (no tariffs between EU members), sovereignty, defense (they’re still in NATO), and investment, a lot of this is really about immigration. Sound familiar?

People in the EU can move and work in other EU nations without the complications of passports, visas, work visas, etc. There may be a few things in there I’m not aware of since I’m not a citizen within the EU. This has also allowed immigration to increase in the UK. Right wingers don’t like brown people. That’s established and apparently it’s not just an American issue.

What could become interesting is what Scotland does down the road. They recently voted to remain a member of the UK but looking at voter turnout, they also want to remain a member of the EU. Could there be another referendum down the line on leaving once again, so they can rejoin the EU? Donald Trump is visiting Scotland today and that image alone might encourage the Scots to break away from the right wingers. Northern Ireland might be joining them.

The UK is not an ultra conservative nation. But as in the U.S., conservatives vote much more reliably than liberals or moderates. This was a very close vote. Staying home can put your nation’s fate into the hands of the wingnuts. That should be a lesson learned by those of us on this side of the pond.

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Donald Loves Chachi


cjones06212016

Scott Baio, the actor who played Chachi on Happy Days and its spin off, Joanie Loves Chachi, and Charles In Charge and the teen booby movie Zapped! (which I thought was amusing because I was 15 at the time and it had boobies) has spoken out on President Obama and terrorism.

Chachi is a Trump supporter. Big surprise. He enlightened all of us on Fox Business (go figure) and said Obama is a secret Muslim whose “end game” is to “totally eliminate the United States as it was created.” He also said Obama is “dumb, a Muslim, or a Muslim sympathizer.” We should all drop everything and support Trump because The Chach has spoken. Maybe he’s running for Arizona’s senate seat.

Is Baio a moron? As Fonzie would say, correctamundo. Now Baio is threatening to sue anyone who accuses him of being a moron over his Obama statements. He made the threat on Twitter. I don’t want Chachi to sue me so when I state that Mr. Baio is a moron, it’s not JUST for his statements that the president is a secret Muslim.

No. Mr. Baio is a moron for supporting Trump. He’s also a moron for tweeting in 2010 “Taxes are DONE…That should feed, house & provide medical for a few lazy non working people at my expense.” Not finished with causing a Twitter stink in 2010, he tweeted a photo of Michelle Obama with the caption “WOW He wakes up to this every morning,” so he’s also a moron for that.

Additional evidence to Mr. Baio being a moron are his comments toward Hillary Clinton which are “Hollywood votes the way Hollywood votes. They are predominantly liberals. And I can’t understand why, because Hillary Clinton is basically a socialist, and if they want all of their toys taken away from them eventually, then you vote for her.”

I just conducted the only Google search ever on Scott Baio. I’m sure when his phone’s not ringing, that’s Joanie not calling.

But hey, being a moron could be financially beneficial for Chachi. He says Trump is great and we all know how much Trump loves flattery. It seems he doesn’t value experience as he just fired Corey Lewandowski, his campaign manager, who had zilcho experience running a political campaign. Previously, after Mr. Lewandowski faced charges of assaulting a reporter Trump stood by his man and said “I don’t discard people.”

Now that Mr. Lewandowski has been discarded perhaps Mr. Baio can resurrect his career with Donald Trump as his new campaign manager. And if Trump actually wins we can all title this spin off Crappy Days.

During Happy Days and the spin off, there was an attempt to start a fashion trend of morons like Chachi tying a bandana  around their thigh. It didn’t catch on. The fact I remember that makes me very sad at how old I have become.

By the way, “Chachi” rhymes with “Nazi.” Work that out.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Trump Train


cjones06182016

After Trump insinuated that Obama was sympathetic toward terrorists (wink wink, nudge nudge), The Washington Post published a story on his comments. Trump reacted by banning the Post from covering his events. He claimed they were taking his words out of context and that he never would insinuate that Obama would be behind such a horrible attack. Then he doubled down on his comments and tweeted out a Breitbart story about how Obama is an ISIS sympathizer. He’s also given press credentials to Infowars which is a conspiracy site.

It’s kinda telling that Trump hates The Washington Post but loves Breitbart. Trump hates journalists but Breitbart is OK because they’re not real journalists. They’re like news chlamydia. There’s a cure for it, but if you caught it once then you’re probably gonna go back and catch it again. Trump has a thing about bashing reporters. He claims the New York Times is a failing newspaper while touting the fine reporting of The National Enquirer. He blasts The Washington Post. He was a huge fan of the show Morning Joe which tells you a lot about that show (though I don’t think he likes them anymore). He even feuded with Fox News and Megyn Kelly. Then he makes up, feuds again, makes up, feuds again, etc.

Trump has banned nine media outlets from his events. NINE! In addition to The Post they include, National Review, Politico, The Des Moines Register, The Huffington Post, Buzzfeed, The Daily Beast, Univision, and Gawker for running an investigation on his hair. He’s banned specific reporters from Mother Jones, Fusion, and The New York Times. He’s taken credit for the Union Leader in New Hampshire being dropped from a debate.

Trump is now talking about having his own network, much like Sarah Palin attempted a while back (which fizzled and burned out). If Trump actually wants a media empire then he better quit the race and start now. After he loses to Hillary Clinton in November his brand won’t be as marketable. He’ll be a loser like he accuses Romney of being, though Trump won’t carry as many states as Romney did in 2012.

Back to the Post: Editor Bob Woodward, who is no journalistic slouch, has unleashed 20 reporters to dig into Trump’s background to find stuff we don’t know yet. He’s doing the same on Hillary Clinton (though I doubt there’s anything new there after almost 30 years of being in the spotlight).

Bob Woodward was half the team that broke the Watergate story. If Trump is actually elected president I’m sure he looks forward to the story that will lead to his impeachment.

It seems the only correct way to cover a Trump event is not to report what he actually says. He doesn’t like that.

Creative note: When I got this idea I told myself to think of another idea. I really liked this idea but I’m not a big fan of drawing trains. Some cartoonists hate drawing crowds. I don’t like trains. Bicycles suck too.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!