Ted Cruz 2016

Lucifer Cruz


cjones04302016

Nobody likes Ted Cruz, unless they’re creepy and icky also. That would make us very suspicious of Carly Fiorina if we weren’t already aware that there’s something wrong with her. They are both liars without any ethics. Fiorina especially prolonged the lie about the videos of Planned Parenthood that encouraged a terrorist to attack a clinic in Colorado, then justified her encouragement. Today, Cruz continues the lie. Basically, they would be the pond scum of humanity if pond scum didn’t have any morals, somewhat likability and charm in comparison.

I drew this while hanging out with friends and watching the Washington Capitals beat the Pittsburgh Penguins in overtime. While everyone else is drinking and screaming at the TVs, I’m the lame dork sitting at a bar drawing a cartoon.

I really don’t like Ted Cruz. I really don’t like Carly Fiorina. They are a perfect match. They are disgusting and deplorable humans, if they are actually humans. I have about seven more cartoon ideas for these two. Maybe I’ll get around to drawing one.

Former Speaker of the House John Boehner came out and said that Ted Cruz is “Lucifer in the flesh” and that he’s a “miserable son of a bitch.” One of my conservative cartoonist brethren posted a meme of Boehner hanging out with Obama as if that disqualifies Boehner’s judgement. You can disagree with a person’s politics and still like them personally. Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neill figured that out. Conservatives today can’t fathom the idea. John Boehner agrees with Ted Cruz more than he agrees with Barack Obama, yet he doesn’t want to be in the same room with Ted Cruz. That’s not hard to figure out. Have you seen the guy?

Ted Cruz is the one person that has never had the experience of a friend calling him out of the blue in the middle of the week and saying “hey, do you want to go out and get a burger?” He hasn’t had the experience of having a friend.

There is not a person who is rational who likes Ted Cruz or Carly Fiorina. Here’s a judgement of character: Anyone who likes them personally should be ejected out of your atmosphere, unfriended, blocked on your cellphone, email, and just totally disregarded. Don’t talk to that person. That guy probably spent their entire college years in a bathrobe, like Ted Cruz, hanging out by the girls’ shower and freaking them out.

I bought a doggy chew toy of Ted Cruz for my dog. He wouldn’t play with it but he did bury it in the back yard. Now there’s a 30 foot radius around the hole where the grass is dying.

Nobody likes Ted Cruz. I would say he’s “Lucifer in the flesh,” except that might offend Dick Cheney enough to shoot me in the face.

I’m really glad Ted Cruz has the premature condition to choose a running mate, and it’s Carly Fiorina. People like that should be grouped together. It makes it easier to keep an eye on them…and run when they get too close.

If those two are actually the nominees for the GOP, I’m not as much concerned about what they want to DO for America as much as I am for what they want do TO America.

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Carly FoisTED


cjones04292016

Didn’t Ted Cruz lose FIVE primaries Tuesday night? So why in the blue blazes of Hell is he picking a running mate? He referred to her as his “nominee.” I’m not sure she can be a nominee until he’s a nominee. But hey, I’m looking for logic where there isn’t any.

Cruz announcing his veep selection is like bringing office decorations to your job interview. If he loses Indiana next week is he going to start appointing ambassadors?

So why is Ted Cruz announcing a running mate now, before he has the nomination? Probably because he has very little chance of winning the nomination. Maybe this will get more votes. He also wants to talk about something else besides getting his ass kicked Tuesday. He doesn’t want anyone to be reminded that Trump won over 50% of Pennsylvania, Delaware, Maryland, Delaware, and Connecticut, a feat Cruz has been boasting Trump could not accomplish in any state. Trump carried every single county in Pennsylvania, a very diverse state. Maybe Ted needs someone on his ticket who’s more delusional, less successful, less ethical, and a bigger liar than he is. After she sang during her speech he might have picked someone creepier. OK, he didn’t..but close.

Maybe he wanted a pretty face. Uhh…..yeah. I shouldn’t go there. Ted went there. He reminded us several times while announcing Carly that a lot of people don’t think she’s attractive.

Ted says we need to select a leader with good judgement. He picked Carly Fiorina. He says A people pick A people and B people pick C people. Ted showed us what a F person chooses.

Carly is more delusional than Ted to accept this offer. Most people won’t accept his phone calls. Ted picked a person who doesn’t have any great accomplishments. She ran a company into the ground, dropped their stock, and fired a massive amount of people. Let’s not forget her highly unsuccessful run for the U.S. Senate in California. As Trump points out, you don’t see her getting any job offers. That is, except from Ted Cruz, and this one doesn’t pay.

Even if this was to be taken seriously, Fiorina does not balance the ticket. She has zero foreign policy experience. No legislative experience. Her hardcore conservatism is a mirror image to Cruz. They both enjoy lying about Planned Parenthood. She’s Cruz without the penis, we think. She can’t even deliver California, where she doesn’t live anymore. Cruz may have tried to pick someone who wouldn’t overshadow him with charisma.

I only have one question for anyone who supports this ticket: Why do you hate America?

Cruz and Fiorina are ugly and disgusting. I’m talking about their personalities, policies, and what they intend to do to this country. So yeah, I made fun of their physical features to express that.

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Never Trump Powers Colluding


cjones04262016

“Colluding.” That’s a word I got very tired of today.

GOP presidential candidates John Kasich and Ted Cruz are “colluding” to stop Trump. The deal is this: Kasich won’t campaign in Indiana where Republicans are more fundamentalists and insane (I have a little sister and brother there so I know about the insane part) which makes the state more attractive for Cruz. Cruz won’t campaign in New Mexico and Oregon where Republicans are less reactionaries for God so they probably wouldn’t ever go for Cruz. Plus, Cruz is probably afraid of any place with “Mexico” in the name. John Kasich will go anywhere and eat anything. Sometimes he won’t leave.

The two campaigns in this “collusion” state this is to “stop Hillary Clinton.” You know the wildcard teams in the NFC playoffs don’t spend the first round thinking about stopping the AFC champion in the Super Bowl.

So in the states Cruz is bypassing, Kasich should pick up all the non-existent votes Cruz was anticipating. You know nothing equals nothing. I’m sure there’ll be more success in Indiana for Cruz when he picks up the votes of the only two moderate Republicans in the state that were originally going for Kasich. This is a Hail Mary for the Never Trump movement, which views Cruz and Kasich voters as interchangeable.

Here’s a thing about Kasich (other than eating anything placed in front of him. He’s made Chris Christie say “Damn!”): He has fewer delegates than Marco Rubio, who has dropped out of the race. He’s only won one state, which he’s governor of. He thinks he can come in last and despite nobody voting for him, that the party will anoint him their nominee at a brokered convention. And yet, Kasich is dubbed the “reasonable” one of the candidates. Yup, nobody votes for him so sure he’ll do great in the general election.

Here’s the thing about Cruz (other than he’s creepy, nobody likes him and he has to bribe his daughters with Barbie dream houses to play with him): I mentioned nobody likes him and that hasn’t changed. Cruz is extremely intelligent but his narcissism is so extreme that he doesn’t realize the Never Trump movement isn’t a campaign for Cruz. The movement is a campaign to stop Trump and they’re using Cruz. If they were actually able to stop Trump they would drop Cruz faster than you can you say “ew, get that away from me.”

For the Never Trump movement, Cruz, and Kasich to succeed, they need a better message than “never Trump.” Though, the “never Trump” message is a good one, we’re talking about getting through to stupid people. The only other message so far is “Ted Cruz” and “John Kasich.” Nobody likes those messages.

I saw two other cartoons on this issue so far and both had Cruz and Kasich as Batman and Robin. That’s not where I got my idea.

I’m not sure how well this cartoon will be understood as I don’t know if my “audience” is that familiar with The Wonder Twins. “The What Twins?”, you may ask. The Wonder Twins. They were creepy alien twins in matching leotards with Spock ears. Matching leotards? Hell, if one of my siblings bought a T-shirt I owned, I’d throw mine away. Anyway, The Wonder Twins were on Super Friends which was a horrible Saturday morning cartoon back in the day (Do they still have Saturday morning cartoons?). The twins were really lame and a little too dependent on each other, though their relationship was looked on approvingly from Batman and Robin, also fighting crime in their underoos. They were less cool than Aquaman, who talked to fish (while swimming in his green and yellow underwear). Super Friends was brutally bad and the twins had these stupid powers. They had matching rings, in addition to their leotards, and when they touched rings (creepy), they’d shout “Wonder Twins powers….ACTIVATE!”. The girl would turn into an animal of some sort and her brother would turn into an inanimate object. I felt alien dude got the short end of the stick there as his sister would turn into a lion or soaring eagle and he’d turn into a paper weight. I don’t recall how effective they were at fighting Bizarro Superman with those powers.

I don’t remember why I kept watching the cartoon…oh yeah. Wonder Woman. No complaints with her crime-fighting attire.

So you learned about The Wonder Twins today. That and John Kasich will eat anything. He would eat English food. He’d eat at Burger King. Don’t say you never learn nothing when you come here.

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The Wrath Of Apples


cjones04202016

Have you seen those Redd’s Apple Ale commercials? Someone doesn’t know what to order and he’s suddenly struck in the side of the head by an apple, so he orders the beverage. I assume it’s red alcohol which has to taste like crap because that’s how red soda tastes. I’ve never seen anyone drink one but I imagine it’s consumed by bearded, beanie-wearing hipsters when they can afford something better than PBR.

Creepy Ted Cruz has been bragging about his winning streak. How he’s won five states in a row and Trump is fading. He was really silent tonight following his New York collapse. He was chased out of NYC faster than Washington was by the British (I was a history major, yo). Now everyone is making him out to be Texas toast…or in his case, cooked like Canadian bacon. I’m on a metaphorical roll tonight.

Cruz crashed and burned in the Empire state. He got zero delegates and only 15% of the vote. John Kasich won more than he did and people are going to forget that guy’s name next week. Now the primaries go to Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island where Cruz may lose all five states.

Cruz keeps making the argument that Trump can’t win the nomination without 1,237 delegates, which is a bizarre argument when he has about 200 fewer than Trump. How do you tell the convention that Trump’s better numbers disqualify him, but your sorrier state of numbers should promote you? That would be like Kevin Hart saying Michael Jordan isn’t tall enough (I was originally going with Gary Coleman from Diff’rent Strokes, but he’s dead and Kevin Hart is much more current. Plus, it seems everyone really hates Kevin Hart). I’m also baffled when he talks about the large voting block that has voted against Trump, ignoring that far more people have avoided voting for Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz is fortunate that those who have actually voted for him haven’t had to spend a minute in an elevator with him, which would make for great punishment for voting for Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s only strategy is to prevent Trump from securing the nomination. It’s not even about convincing people to vote for Cruz, just so long as they don’t vote for Trump. If they do vote for Trump then make sure he doesn’t get the delegates. The primaries are not about democracy. What’s democratic about a caucus anyway?

This race is amazing. Ted Cruz is the stupid smart guy snaking delegates. The front runner doesn’t know what he’s doing. The guy who could give Hillary Clinton the tightest race has only won one state, which he’s governor of. And get this: without someone securing the nomination then the convention starts off as a party without a host. The nominee’s campaign can’t schedule the event. It’s going to be like a drunken orgy without the fun of a drunken orgy, not that anybody wants to see a Ted Cruz-Donald Trump orgy, and nobody could possibly get that drunk. Sorry if I just put that into your head. One detail that should be added to the event is special recognition for Heidi and Melania for having to sleep with those guys.

One detail that should alarm Cruz and the Stop Trump movement is that Trump didn’t refer to Cruz as “LyEn Ted” during his victory speech. He actually called him “Senator” which is something we often forget he is. If Trump isn’t intimidated by you anymore then you’re in trouble. Trump can’t spell and he confuses 9/11 for seven 11.

I do hope Ted Cruz learned something about New York Values this week. Chris Matthews, who sucks at analogies, actually described it perfectly tonight. You can’t call the place Gomorrah and then go pandering for their vote. That’s like saying “yeah, I called you a big fat greasy ho, but I meant it in a nice way.” Now Matthews will repeat that line every three minutes for the next four weeks.

A colleague of mine made a comment last week that his Ted Cruz caricature was looking a lot like Quagmire from Family Guy. I’ve been getting that comment for at least a month. He’s Quagmire without the giggity.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Angry Birds


cjones03272016

Are Angry Birds still a thing? Is the game still popular? Are you still receiving annoying invites to play on Facebook?

During a speech in Portland Friday a bird flew into the auditorium and landed on Bernie Sanders’ podium. No pun intended, but Twitter went crazy and #BirdieSanders is still trending.

Talk about an opposite dialogue. People are charmed and amused by a bird landing on Sanders’ podium. Many think it’s analogous of the man and his campaign, which is the point my cartoon is taking.

Meanwhile on the Republican side of things….ugh. Do you have a barf bag? We have Ted Cruz stealing lines from the movie An American President to script his anger at Donald Trump. I think Cruz confused Michael Douglas movies and intended to quote Wall Street. We have a debate on Ted Cruz’s sex life. Seriously.. Donald Trump is back to insulting women. Ted is upset at particular women being insulted but not all. Hey, where are these guys and their outrage when someone makes a really bad vulgar joke about Hillary Clinton’s or Michelle Obama’s physical appearance? Hypocrites.

Back to nicer stuff for a day: The bird thing was really cute. Even I can appreciate something nice and sweet occasionally…and then I’ll destroy it with vultures and flying monkeys. The audience in Portland loved it too and roared with approval. I also learned today that it really ties in with the TV show Portlandia, which I have never seen.

I love birds. I worked in a zoo once (in another lifetime) and working in the birdhouse was part of my duties. I started every morning feeding the birds at 5:00 AM and I usually finished by noon. There were a lot of birds and they all had a different diet. You’d be surprised by how many birds are meat eaters. I’m talking about worms to raw red meat (usually horse meat). The flamingos were some of my favorites as I would make them follow and go where I needed them by clapping my hands. We also had a few primates in the bird house (we weren’t a well coordinated zoo) and I had to feed and clean after them too. Basically it was like feeding a bunch of raccoons.

My first idea for this cartoon was going to involve two panels (like it still does). In the first panel it would state “birds love Sanders.” and in the next panel it would read “Trump loves the bird” and Donald would be flipping his middle finger. Then I saw some people make comments similar to my idea on social media. What really killed it for me was seeing an amateur cartoonist draw the same idea…and pretty well too. So that obvious idea went into my garbage pail along with the Sharpie and correction fluid pen I killed last night.

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Jumping The Birthers


cjones01082016

Ted Cruz is cartoon gold. Not Donald Trump gold, but kind of a creepy fake gold that turns your neck green if you put it on you. The man is ridiculous.

Donald Trump, who waged a “YUGE” birther campaign against President Obama and now doesn’t want to talk about it, is bringing up the issue regarding Ted Cruz. Cruz says that Trump is “jumping the shark” by bringing it up. The term “Jump the shark” is a pop culture reference to when something starts to suck. It’s from Happy Days and when Fonzie jumped the shark many people consider that the point the show stopped being good.  If that’s the case, Trump jumped the shark during his announcement that he’s running for president.

Ted Cruz is an American. He was born in Canada to an American mother and a father who’s a deranged lunatic from Cuba. Ted Cruz says the legal issues regarding a “naturalized citizen” running for president has been settled. No it hasn’t.

The most peculiar thing is the large number of Republicans who believe Obama is not an American-born citizen, yet support Ted Cruz who was definitely not born in the United States. Hypocrisy knows no bounds. Neither does stupidity.

So why do many Republicans wage a birther campaign against Obama, who was born in America, and look the other way and even support Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada? The most innocent answer to this is that it’s blind, hypocritical, partisan politics. At the very worst it’s racism.

Which one is it?

 

 

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Ted Cruz Battles Cartoons


cjones12252015

Ted Cruz is upset and very angry. I know that’s not breaking news and he’s usually upset and angry, but this time it’s for an interesting reason and an extremely stupid reason. OK, that’s not unique either and I’ll try again. Cruz is mad at the “liberal media.” Ah screw it.

Ted Cruz created a little satire of him and his family reading holiday classics with a twisted conservative bent. First off, Ted…you gotta stop reading out loud and trying to be cute. Stop reading Green Eggs And Ham on the Senate floor. Stop acting out bits from The Princess Bride. Anyone else can do it. You can’t. It’s creepy. by comparison, it makes Dick Cheney appear warm and cuddly. I digress.

In this witty little satire Cruz has his daughters reading lines, one even attacks Hillary over her email server and calls her the Grinch. Cute. A few days later Ann Telnaes, a Pulitzer prize winning political cartoonist for The Washington Post (and creator of the best Dick Cheney caricature EVER), published a cartoon on their site where she draws Cruz as an organ grinder and his daughters are the monkeys. Mean? Yes. Justified? Absolutely. She did not caricature the daughters or name them.

Normally we cartoonists have a rule where we don’t go after children. But we do bend and break that rule when the politicians themselves use them as props. There is a line. Politicians posing with their children or letting the public get a glimpse of their family life isn’t really exploiting the kids (which every politician does). If the politician puts them into the fire and political mix, then they’re in the fire and you can go at it. The cartoonist didn’t expose them. Daddy did. Daddy is a hypocrite. Daddy is upset that someone exploited his children to make fun of him exploiting his children. How dare a cartoonists attack his children and draw them as monkeys. He said this was typical of the “liberal media.”

Later, the Post pulled the cartoon off their site with editorial page editor Fred Hiatt writing “I failed to look at this cartoon before it was published. I understand why Ann thought an exception to the policy was warranted in this case, but I do not agree.” Ted Cruz sent out an email with the cartoon to his supporters and saying he needed a million dollars within 24 hours to send the Post a message.

I watched CNN and MSNBC all day and nobody defended the cartoonist. That got me very angry. What angered me the most was that none of the talking heads were understood the issue. I saw a lot of posts on social media from conservative cartoonists who also also failed to grasp the issue. It annoyed me they would side with partisanship over professionalism. These same cartoonists were very silent when a cartoon ran in The New York Post depicting Obama as a monkey. They were also silent when Rush Limbaugh called Chelsea Clinton a dog and Amy Carter was the most unattractive presidential daughter in history, or when Glenn Beck mocked Malia Obama’s intelligence, or when Fox News Andrea Tantaros wondered out loud if Malia would go on birth control.

As I mentioned above, a lot of details where left out by the “liberal media” so I’m going fill in the gaps. I’m gonna start by sharing my friend Mike Peterson’s comment on the issue: “One of the oddities of our political scene is that the conservatives who criticize the climate of “victimization” and attack minorities for complaining over unfair treatment, and condemn any demand — even any request — for politeness as ‘Political Correctness’ turn out to be the biggest crybabies and whiners in our society” Yes. Republicans tend to reflect.

First off, Ann Telnaes is a friend of mine and she is excellent at what she does. I also know Fred Hiatt, The Post’s editorial page editor, and I have a good history with him. He puts out a great page (especially when he runs my work…or used to after this). I agree with Ann and I disagree with Fred, which is not the first time I’ve disagreed with an editor. Ann was perfectly fine with her cartoon and it would have been nice if her paper and editor had her back. It would also be nice if a few more of her colleagues had her back. And yes, at times I have disagreed with liberal cartoonists in the past when they stirred a controversy.

Ted Cruz put his daughters out there. He gave them lines to call Hillary Clinton a Grinch. One of the books about the Speaker of the House had the speaker holding a glass of wine which is a shot at John Boehner. He is now using them to raise money. Ann should send him a bill for the cartoon. His campaign says they need to use them to raise the money, because the cartoon inflicted so much monetary damage that they will never make up. Seriously. They said that.

The Senator and his family were not attacked by the liberal media. Ted Cruz, not his children, was attacked by a cartoonist. The cartoonist is NOT the media. We’re just a part of it. Also, the cartoon is an opinion piece. It’s not news coverage or reporting. Journalism, yes. But this is not the “liberal media” coming out to get you. To state the entire media is represented by one cartoonist would be like me saying that because of Ted Cruz, every politician is a creepy, icky, awkward-goose-stepping, whiny, crybaby, friendless, Grandpa Munster looking, fascist pig. But I’m not gonna say that.

Other people have pointed out that you can’t draw Obama’s children as monkeys. Well d’uh. But there is a difference and it’s quite bizarre that it needs to be explained to you. The president’s children are black. Ted Cruz’s children are not. It’s a false equivalence. Stop being stupid.

I don’t expect this cartoon or column to make a huge splash in the current controversy. First off, I don’t have the platform of The Post. Second, I don’t think it would work in a Ted Cruz fundraising email. I do hope it stirs more discussion among my colleagues and readers.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!