Peanuts

BannonWeenie

Cjones10302021

Trump goon Steve Bannon is in contempt of Congress and Attorney General Merrick Garland is probably going to take action that sends Bannon to the jail for goons.

Bannon is avoiding testifying before Congress, claiming Donald Trump has enacted executive privilege to keep him from testifying about the January 6 insurrection to prevent the certification of President Biden’s victory over Trump, overturn an election, destroy democracy, and install the Great Racist Pumpkin as a fascist dictator.

Bannon also claims he didn’t have anything to do with planning the Trump white nationalist mob attack. Yeah, and Linus didn’t have anything to do with Sally missing Halloween candy to sit in a pumpkin patch all night waiting on some nonexistent bullshit and to ultimately only see a beagle. She was robbed and has a legal case.

Steve Bannon was NOT working for the president (sic) of the United States at the time of the attack. He may have worked for the campaign and plotted with them, but that’s NOT an official function. He is not Trump’s lawyer or a lawyer at all. He was not a member of the administration. So, Donald Trump can’t cite executive privilege over Steve Bannon’s testimony. Also, Donald Trump is not the president. He can’t cite executive privilege any more than I can.

For example: It’s five days before Halloween. I bought three bags of Halloween candy for trick-r-treaters. Is any of it left? I cite executive privilege and refuse to answer that question.

Also, why cite executive privilege? Trump and Bannon both say they didn’t plan the insurrection yet they don’t want to answer questions about planning the insurrection. I mean, if they’re trying to enact executive privilege, that means they gots shit they don’t want to answer for.

There was a “command center” for overturning the election on January 6. It was in a bunch of suites at the Willard hotel in Washington, a block from the White House (my hotel on election night was three blocks from the White House and I plotted out cartoons while eating a large Italian sub). The people involved at the Willard planning the coup attempt were Rudy Giuliani, former NYC police commissioner Bernard Kerik, John Eastman (who’s a Trump goon scholar of some sort), One America News reporter Christina Bobband who was working as a campaign volunteer (wait. You can’t be a journalist and a campaign volunteer), White House special assistant Boris Epshteyn (there’s always a Boris in Trump word), and…wait for it…Steve Bannon. If there’s a trail of shit, Steve Bannon will be found at the end of it. It’s right next to that trail of Rudy’s hair dye.

While these goons were conducting efforts with members of Congress and state legislators to overturn the election, they mostly needed an angry mob to get the job done. If Mike Pence wasn’t going to stop the certification, an angry mob would at least delay it, though the idea was to stop it. It’s rare an angry mob shows up by itself. You’re thinking of flash mobs.

To get an angry mob to show up, first you have to make them angry. You start by lying and telling them they were robbed like Sally was when she was sold a Great Pumpkin and only got a beagle in goggles. In addition to Donald Trump tweeting for them to be there (it’s gonna be “wild”), the Willard fuckers had Steve Bannon riling them up on his podcast.

Steve Bannon may possibly go to prison. But, I don’t want Steve Bannon to go to prison…as a sacrifice so others don’t. Sure, send Bannon to jail, but don’t send him alone. And these people don’t need to go to prison just because they refused a congressional subpoena. No. They need to go to prison for so much more.

These people attempted a coup. They were willing to have people die to install a dictator. They tried to destroy our democracy and Constitution. A lot of people don’t just deserve to go to prison, but must go. It is imperative we send people to prison who tried to overturn the government through a bloody coup. These include goons such as Sidney Powell and Rudy Giuliani. Everyone in the Willard plotting the coup. Representatives working with the racist insurrectionists such as Marjorie Taylor Green, Louie Gohmert, Lauren Boebert, and pedo-in-training Matt Gaetz. Finally, we should send the person to prison whose crimes outweigh everyone else’s. We need to convict and incarcerate the former president (sic) of the United States.

The Great Pumpkin will not be reinstated. There is no constitutional method for that. But there are laws to throw the racist Great Pumpkin in prison.

Lock them up.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. A new shipment will arrive in early November. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

I Got A Rock

Cjones10222021

So, you may have heard of this supply chain crisis. You may have noticed it yourself while out shopping for a Jason Voorhees Halloween mask and not finding one. You may have noticed shelves in stores bare of any Halloween candy other than candy corn. You may have seen footage on the news of cargo ships backed up in harbors and shipping ports. You may have heard someone on Fox News or a meme-making moron blame President Joe Biden even though it’s a global issue. So, what’s happening and why is it happening?

First off, it is a global thing. It’s not just happening here in the United States. Also, it’s not new. Sure, it’s the first you think you’re hearing of it but just because you’re just now hearing about it (think of that as first-world privilege) doesn’t mean it hasn’t been happening.

But you have heard about it. Do you remember way back so long ago in early 2020? Do you remember when you couldn’t find toilet paper and you had to wipe with paper towels until you ran out of paper towels? You couldn’t find hand sanitizer or face masks either. That was a supply-chain issue. Do you remember who was president then? You do? Good. So, why is this supply-chain issue now President Biden’s fault but the supply-chain issue of 2020 wasn’t President (sic) Trump’s fault?

A lot of the goods are being made. They exist. They’re out there. They’re out there in the ocean on boats with each waiting its turn to dock and be unloaded. The ports of Los Angeles and Long Beach (I’ve been there to picked up a Hyundai I shipped from Honolulu, and the crew left garbage in it and the interior smelled like hobo sex) processes 40 percent of all imported goods. In case you’re a Republican, “import” means it’s coming in. “Export” means it’s going out. Right now, the flow of imports has overloaded the ports’ capacity to unload it.

This all began with the pandemics with factories and shipping shut down and cut off in China, Vietnam, and other places where children work for a nickel a day. China’s shutdown of one major port led to others being shut down. Now, there’s even a shortage of shipping containers. You may have heard some smartass say that American-made products don’t get stuck in a harbor…well, the shipping container thing has complicated issues for U.S. agriculture too. Remember when I explained that import-export thing? Yeah, well we export produce, genius.

And (this part may freak you out), there’s a semiconductor shortage which means a lot of computer parts aren’t going out. This affects everything from cars to computer to smart TVs to your smart phone. Apple is cutting back iPhone 13 production by ten million. Maybe Christmas is screwed, if you’ve only been mouthing the Jesus part of it when all along it’s always been about getting stuff. This supply-chain crisis going to make great fodder for the War-on-Christmas mouthbreathers.

Simply put, the entire thing began when you could not go out during the pandemic. Remember how you couldn’t go out to a nice restaurant for a fine meal? Remember when you couldn’t go to the movies and buy $12.00 popcorn? Remember when you couldn’t go on a vacation and contract some tropical disease or hurl over the side of a cruise ship? Remember when you couldn’t go to a nasty bar and pick up some strange? Remember when you stayed home sitting on your ass at your computer and kept ordering shit from Amazon? That’s why you can’t get nothing now.

The supply-chain crisis is because we buy a lot of shit. We bought more stuff during the pandemic. Those stimulus checks helped. Who got through the pandemic without buying an air fryer? Well, I did but only because those things are huge and I live in a studio apartment. But I did buy a blender I’ve only used twice, a cast-iron skillet, another frying pan, a toaster, a cutting board, some nice knives, quite a few mixing bowls, one of those things you put an egg in and nuke to make your own McMuffin, and a wok…but no air fryer (in my defense, I also had just moved here and didn’t have any kitchen stuff other than a few plates, bowls, and silverware). I also gained about 30 pounds. I’m blaming that on the pandemic too.

The economy has been growing but this shortage will hurt it. A business can’t stay in business if it doesn’t have anything to sell. But we will get through this. I have a prediction: After Christmas, no one’s going to be talking about it anymore. In six months, you won’t remember it. MAGAts have already forgotten it started in 2020.

Note: When I was about 12 or so, I was a bit of a prankster. I know. Shocking. During this time of my adolescence, I wrapped a few small rocks in tinfoil and mixed them in with our Halloween candy and didn’t tell my mother. She unknowingly handed out a lot of rocks to trick-r-treaters and then wondered the next day why our house and car were egged and TP’ed. A few days later while going through the leftover candy, she discovered a tinfoil rock and put two-and-two together…long story short, I got in trouble. Kids hate getting rocks on Halloween almost as much as they hate getting candy corn.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are TWO copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

No Balls For Racists

Cjones04052021

Charlie Kirk is a very young conservative activist and the founder of Turning Point USA, a conservative group that pushes toxic right-wing bullshit to white high school and college students and pays him a salary of over $300,000 a year which is why he lives in a fancy-schmancy million-dollar condo on the water in Longjohn, Florida. After Major League Baseball pulled its annual All-Star game out of Georgia over the new voting laws, Kirk tweeted something dishonest and stupid.

He tweeted, “The MLB is okay playing games in Communist China and Communist Cuba but they draw the line at Georgia requiring signature verification & voter ID?” Did you know MLB had games scheduled to be played in Cuba and China this year? Me neither. The reason we don’t know this is because they don’t. But then again, Kirk has pushed multiple lies about the coronavirus pandemic and Donald Trump “winning” the election, among a lot of other lies.

Sure, MLB had two spring-training games in China back in 2008, and the Tampa Bay Rays played a game in Havana against the Cuba national team with President Barack Obama in attendance, but these events are in the past and the U.S. Constitutional right to vote doesn’t apply to people in China and Cuba. What Charlie Kirk did was play whatabout. It’s to deflect from the facts. It’s to protect racists. Maybe he should shut up and dribble?

Charlie Kirk mentioned signature verification and voter ID in his lame tweet. What he didn’t bring up, surely intentionally, was that Georgia Republicans crafted a new law that has made voting harder for black Americans. It has shortened voting times, eliminated drop boxes, made absentee voting more stringent, give the legislature power over local election boards, and has even made bringing someone waiting in line to vote a bottle of water into crime. Of course Kirk was dishonest. He’s a conservative and a Trump supporter. Have you ever met an honest Trump supporter? That’s a rhetorical question because honest Trump supporters do not exist.

Legislators in 43 states are trying to duplicate the racist voting laws in Georgia. There are currently over 250 measures to make it more difficult for some Americans to vote. We should be expanding the ability to vote, not suppressing it. We should not be making voting harder. In this country, it’s easier to purchase an assault weapon than it is for some Americans to vote.

The New York Times examined and published a detailed breakdown of what the law actually does.

The reason there are so many efforts by Republicans across the nation to hamper voting is because Republicans can’t win with their messages and policies. Republicans sell their policies with, “Hey, how about some racist shit and other shit that helps billionaire assholes become even bigger billionaire assholes?” And most Americans say, “Eh. No thanks.” So, Republicans respond with, “Since that person doesn’t like our policies to expand a system of racism for billionaire assholes let’s stop that person from voting.” In case you haven’t been paying attention over the lifespan of this entire country, it works.

While we are a racist country, the majority of us are not racists. How can that be? We have a very racist system that Republicans are fighting to preserve while the majority of Americans are voting to remove it. For example, our political system currently has an equal number of Democrats and Republicans in the United States Senate, despite the FACT Democrats represent over 41 million more Americans than Republicans do. White conservatives expect and demand more political representation. Senate Republicans, despite representing a lot fewer Americans than the Democrats, can block any legislation they don’t like. Despite representing fewer Americans, and with this number dropping each election, Republicans have more justices on the federal courts. While the number of Americans who support Republicans and their racist policies is decreasing by the day, their majority on the Supreme Court will last for decades.

Have you ever seen one of those stupid maps on Facebook idiots post that’s supposed to represent how the country is voting? The majority of the map is ridiculously red while there are little blots of blue here and there. They claim this proves the bulk of the nation is voting Republican. What they fail to point out is that those little blots of blue are cities and urban centers while most of the red are areas are sparsely populated counties where if you hear banjo music, you better run. It works like this: Say there’s an 800-square-mile county in Nebraska and the entire population consists of two Trump-supporting cow fuckers with really bad personal hygiene. That entire 800-square-mile county will be red. Sharing those maps and trying to prove the majority of Americans want racist policies is another example of conservatives and Trump supporters being dishonest…unless they actually believe those maps; then it’s another example of them being morons.

Now Major League Baseball has pulled the 2021 All-Star game out of Georgia which was planned for this July. Rob Manford, the commission of Major League Baseball issued a statement that read, “Major League Baseball fundamentally supports voting rights for all Americans and opposes restrictions to the ballot box. Fair access to voting continues to have our unwavering support.”

This will cost Georgia millions. This now puts pressure on other companies in the state, such as Delta and Coca-Cola. It puts pressure on Hollywood which is producing shows and movies like crazy in Georgia. “The Walking Dead” is made in Georgia. They make “Stranger Things” in Georgia. All those Avenger movies? Georgia. I watched “Falcon and the Winter Soldier” last night. Once again, fucking Georgia. Can you appreciate the irony they made “Black Panther” in Georgia? We need King T’Challa right now to kick some Republican ass in Georgia.

The MLB boycott It also puts pressure on companies in other states, such as Dell Technologies and American Airlines. Hopefully, it’ll put pressure on racist Republican legislators to stop creating racist voting laws.

Republicans defend themselves over the accusations these laws are racist and restrict voting rights by saying, “Uh-uh. Does not. It expands them in my neighborhood, so what are you talking about? My one black friend saw the law and said, ‘Dy-no-mite!’ This makes life better for black people who enjoy standing in long lines for hours without water. White power! Oops. Did I say that part out loud? Look! A squirrel!”

The states enacting these laws are working to become oppressive fascist states where only the privileged can vote. That brings us back to that Turning Point fucker.

Charlie Kirk, with the limited activity he has going on inside his cranium, did manage to get one thing right…inadvertently. He equated the racist, oppressive Republican-led government of Georgia with fascist oppressive governments in China and Cuba. Good job, Moron. Thanks for making our point for us. Now, put the Twitter device down before you hurt yourself.

Every eligible American has the right to vote. His/her rights should not be hindered. Here comes the pun: Everyone has the right to play ball. Voting rights for black Americans should not be encumbered by those without balls…or in the case of people like Charlie Kirk, whose balls haven’t dropped yet.

Creative note: Usually, when a cartoonist borrows, lifts, or steals from another (usually, one more famous and successful) for a political cartoon, like I did today, they write, “With apologies to…” I totally forgot to do that with today’s cartoon and I should have given Sparky a public apology. I truly owe him an apology as my making one of his characters a Klansman may not be something he’d be thrilled with. Sorry, Charlie.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have THREE copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Long Night In The Q Patch

cjones03092021

After election day and Joe Biden passed Donald Trump in the vote count, Republicans held onto hope, with many believing that Trump would come back and win the presidency. When that didn’t happen, hope turned into conspiracy theories and Republicans truly became fucknuts.

Trumplicans believed that on December 20, the day electors meet in their respective states and cast their votes for president and vice-president, that Trump would be given an Electoral College victory which the GOP would have had to pull out of their asses. Republicans, including the president (sic) of the United States believed electors in several of those states would defy the will of their people and hand the election to Donald Trump. Donald Trump even invited legislators from Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania to the White House to convince and strong-arm them to overturn the election. That didn’t work. Even Big Macs under heat lamps didn’t sway them.

Trump’s lawyers filed over 60 lawsuits across the nation with each one failing. They held press conferences where Rudy Giuliani’s hair melted. There were hearings held in state capitals where legislatures actually patronized Rudy…for which he only brought conspiracy theories, insane witnesses, and farts. Trump’s other lawyer, Sidney Powell, spread conspiracy theories that voting machines created by the late Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez, financed by George Soros, controlled by President Obama, President Bill Clinton, and Secretary Hillary Clinton, switched votes from Trump to Biden.

Senator Lindsey Graham, who represents South Carolina (in case you’re a Republican, is NOT Georgia), called officials in Georgia to convince them to give the state to Trump even though President Joe Biden had won it. Then, Donald Trump called officials in the state and threatened and demanded they make up votes to give him so he could surpass Biden in the count. And some people are saying, “Hmmmm…maybe that’s illegal.”

December 20 came and went and Joe Biden was still the President-Elect. Then, Trump called his supporters, you know, terrorists, to come to Washington, D.C. on January 6, when Congress was certifying the election. His white nationalist terrorists attacked the Capitol, wounding many and killing cops, to overturn the election. It was a bloody coup attempt. But the count went on and Joe Biden was officially President-Elect of the United States of America.

Then, the Qanon crowd believed Trump would enact martial law and during Joe Biden’s inauguration on January 20, the military would rush the podium and arrest him and Kamala Harris. For good measure, they’d also arrest President Obama and Hillary Clinton. Lady Gaga was probably in trouble too. Nobody was arrested, there was no martial law, and from the looks of it, everybody had a good time…except for Mike Pence. He looked like that guy at the party nobody wants to talk to.

Instead of declaring martial law, Donald Trump flew down to Florida. He refused to attend the inauguration because he’s a whiny little baby. He even left before noon so he could use Air Force One one last time without having to ask the incoming president for permission. Usually, the outgoing president does use Air Force One to leave the capital, but they only do so with the grace and permission of the incoming president…as long as they return it with a full tank. This request has never been refused. But, Donald Trump didn’t want to ask Joe Biden because that would have been an admittance Biden is president.

Donald Trump is the first president to refuse a peaceful transfer of power. He delayed the presidential transition, thus endangering the nation and trying to leave as much of a mess as possible for Biden to clean up. He delayed briefings on national security for the President-Elect. Donald Trump put himself before the security of this nation. And on a petty score, he refused to invite the President-Elect and incoming First Lady to the White House. For the record, President Obama invited Trump and Melania to the White House, greeted them on the steps of the White House on inauguration day, and attended the ceremony. Do you know who else was at Donald Trump’s inauguration in 2016? Joe Biden.

Election Day didn’t work out for Trump supporters. Then December 20, January 6, and January 20 didn’t work out for them. Finally, Qanon fucknuts can accept they lost, it’s over, Trump is now a former president (sic), Joe Biden is President, and it’s time to move on. Right? Wrong.

They decided that March 4 was the date Donald Trump would return and become president again…or something like that. What is this based on? Glad you asked because it’s crazy.

In 1871, Congress passed the District of Columbia Organic Act. This made the District of Columbia a self-governing body, a municipal corporation. It has no relation to the presidency. But, Qanon fucknuts believe that on this date, the United States of America became a corporation which is controlled by foreigners and a deep state of satanic-worshipping baby-eating pedophiles along with assorted lizard people.

Why March 4? Because that’s when lizard people’s eggs hatch? Is that when baby blood starts to turn so you better drink up? No. That’s when presidents used to be inaugurated. Congress moved the inauguration to January 20 after passing the 20th Amendment to the Constitution in 1933, the same year Franklin Delano Roosevelt ended the gold standard. QAnon believers argue that in ending the gold standard, Roosevelt transferred power to a group of shadowy foreign investors who have since been controlling the US government.

We’re about to get deeper: Qanon fucks believed that Ulysses Grant was the last legitimate president. Thus, when Trump returned on March 4, he would become the 19th president and the first legitimate president since Grant. But wait. Wouldn’t that mean Donald Trump was never president from 2017 to January, 2021? Shut up.

I also don’t get why Grant was the last legitimate president. Roosevelt’s first inauguration was on March 4, so was Herbert Hoover’s one. One, because he was a one-term loser like Donald Trump. If someone can explain this about the inauguration date (and I’ve researched), leave it in the comments.

Others also believe that Trump and Biden are actually working together, Trump never left, he’s still here, and it’s all a ruse because…wait for it…Trump and Biden switched bodies.

Trump me on this. Nobody wants to switch bodies with Donald Trump.

So, now that March 4 has passed, I guess it’s over. Right? Wrong.

Qanon fucknuts have moved the goal posts to March 20. Why March 20? The only thing I can find is that’s when many believe the Republican Party was founded in 1854. Of course back then, the Republican Party was the liberal party. The Qanon Shaman and Marjorie Taylor Greene have nothing in common with Abraham Lincoln.

Oh yeah, they also believe Trump still controls the military and on the 20th, he’s going to round up everyone who voted to impeach him or merely said bad things about him, and have them all arrested along with…Oh, sweet mother of monkey milk…the Pope.

Nobody tell the Qanon goons that President George Washington’s first inauguration was held on April 30. That would mean when Donald Trump does come back, he’ll be the second legitimate president.

Of course, all this shit persists because Qanon is a cult, being a Trump supporter is being in a cult, and Donald Trump won’t say anything to debunk any of this. This is the same guy who secretly took the covid vaccine. Why in secret and not do it in public like Biden, Harris, Obama, Clinton, Bush, etc? Because it would hurt the campaign he waged politicizing the virus, again, putting himself before the safety of the country he swore to protect. Or maybe, when he took the vaccine, it was really a serum for body switching with Joe Biden. Yeah! That’s it! And it was administered by a lizard guy in a doctor’s coat.

And everyone said, “Hey, Clay. What are you going to draw when Trump is gone? You’re going to miss Trump.” I haven’t had time to miss Trump.

Creative note: Usually when a cartoonist uses another cartoonist’s creation and characters in a cartoon, they write “apologies to” the cartoonist they borrowed from. I forgot to do that. And if anything, I really owe Charles Schulz an apology for making Linus a member of Qanon.

Correction: I originally had Hoover with TWO inaugurations. But, he only had one. Kudos to Robert Coutinho (who sent me an email) and the reader in the comments who caught it.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have SEVEN copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Blockhead Legal Services

cjones02032021

I had a reader tweet a message at me yesterday asking when I published a cartoon featuring Donald Trump and Peanuts’ Lucy Van Pelt. I had to dig it up and I discovered it was in March 2018. This morning, I thought today might be a good time to bring Lucy back.

In early 2018, Donald Trump was having trouble finding lawyers to represent him in the Mueller investigation. You knew it was bad when he was tweeting how the best lawyers in the nation were climbing over each other to represent him like he was an ambulance with a broken siren. The truth was, they kept dropping like flies. I’m sorry I can’t find a better metaphor. “Faster than credible lawyers dumping Donald Trump” is a metaphor.

During the Mueller investigation, his lead counsel resigned, he hired a husband and wife duo who were screaming fucknut legal heads at Fox News only for them to resign later. The attorneys he did have sent drunkenly-composed emails to reporters, mailed hush agreements from Trump’s address, tweeted guilt from Trump’s Twitter account, and loudly discussed strategy in one of the busiest and most popular restaurants among journalists in Washington. Keep in mind, this is the same guy who kept Michael Cohen on retainer. Donald Trump picks lawyers like he picks doctors.

Donald Trump set a lot of records as president (sic) with one of them being the rejections from law firms. According to reports, at least six law firms rejected working for Donald Trump in 2018. One legal expert said, “It is difficult for one to maintain one’s appearance of being an ethical lawyer while trying to represent Donald Trump.”

Even O.J. got top-notch legal help but then again, O.J. probably paid his lawyers.

Inside sources say Donald Trump doesn’t want to pay Rudy Giuliani his legal fees for spreading the big stolen election lie. Did he pay Sidney Powell? And look at the quality of legal services he received from that dynamic-farting duo. They lost over 60 cases in court. You would think they would have won at least one of them by accident. But even Lionel Hutz didn’t spread conspiracy theories about the deceased Hugo Chavez stealing the election from Trump with socialist voting machines. Jackie Chiles would take on Cosmo Kramer as a client before he’d take Donald Trump. Saul Goodman never had hair dye dripping down his face during a press conference. Even Barry Zuckerhorn didn’t fart during legislative hearings.

The Senate trial over Donald Trump’s impeachment for inciting a terrorist attack against the U.S. Capitol begins next week, and yesterday he lost five lawyers. One person familiar with what’s going on in Trump Legal Land told The New York Times they’re all splitting because Donald Trump is insisting they argue he won the election and it was stolen from him, thus justifying death to Congress and his own vice president.

The same person also says Trump told the lawyers the case is “simple” and he could argue it himself and save the money on lawyers. As a political cartoonist, all I have to say about that prospect is, “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE IF THERE IS A GOD YOU’LL MAKE IT HAPPEN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK PLEASE!!!!!”

I would really like to see that.

I guess there are even a few Republican lawyers who can’t sell the lie Trump won the election. He did lose over 60 cases with that argument. Or, maybe the lawyers just don’t want to lie. I said it repeatedly throughout the Trump presidency (sic): You can not defend Donald Trump without lying. It’s impossible. You don’t need a law degree. You need a degree in bullshit.

Donald Trump is guilty. He incited a riot. He spent nearly $3 million putting that attack together. He told his supporters to march on the Capitol and stage a coup attempt. He told them to overturn an election, disenfranchise millions of voters, and install him as an illegitimate president. He told his followers to make him a fascist dictator. His crowd attacked the Capitol looking to hang Mike Pence and kidnap Nancy Pelosi. Five people died, including a Capitol Police officer. Donald Trump is guilty. He shouldn’t just be convicted in the Senate and barred from future political office. Donald Trump should be in prison.

Do you know who says Donald Trump told the terrorists to attack the Capitol? The terrorists. That’s their defense.

Fortunately for Donald Trump, his jury has Republicans on it. Like Trump, Republicans are corrupt. For Trump, they are so sycophantic, they’ll vote not to convict him for an act where he tried to have them killed. Seriously.

Donald Trump probably doesn’t even need a lawyer because he already has a tainted jury. But let me offer one piece of advice in case she does take him as a client: Lucy, get that nickel in advance.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have an order of 20 copies of my book (11 are left to purchase) on the way, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. The books won’t arrive until after the new year, but orders are being taken and they’ll be shipped as soon as I receive them. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

The Corrupt Pumpkin

cjones10152019

Marie L. Yovanovitch, the former ambassador to Ukraine who was forced out by Rudy Giuliani and his fellow goons, testified before Congress yesterday. She was told that Trump had lost trust in her and had wanted her out since 2018, though he extended her term to 2020 less than two months before. On the same call telling her to get on a plane to Washington immediately, she was also told she had “done nothing wrong.”

Yes, she did. She stood in the way of Trump’s corrupt henchmen pretending to seek out corruption. They were afraid she was going to stand in their way. In her prepared testimony, she said, “Although I understand that I served at the pleasure of the president, I was nevertheless incredulous that the U.S. government chose to remove an ambassador based, as best as I can tell, on unfounded and false claims by people with clearly questionable motives.”

Clearly questionable motives.

Yovanovitch is still an employee of the State Department, though she may be fired now under false pretenses because the administration sought to block her from testifying. The House issued a subpoena for her, and obeying the law, she complied.

The senior adviser to Mike Pompeo, Secretary of State, resigned this week. Two others followed. Kurt Volker, the special envoy to Ukraine, had already resigned. Yesterday, the acting head of the Department of Human Services resigned (the fourth in Trump’s first term to lead that agency). Two of Rudy’s goons were nabbed trying to flee the country. Rudy is reportedly under investigation for illegal lobbying. Donald Trump, who lost five court cases yesterday, is going to be impeached.

The State and Justice Departments are defying subpoenas as the White House is blocking all testimony that will incriminate Donald Trump, though he’s already incriminated himself by admitting he asked Ukraine to interfere in our next election.

Yesterday, he said the president of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky, said bad things about Yovanovitch. If you read the summary of the transcript, he didn’t. In fact,  Zelensky never mentioned her. Donald Trump, who tried to praise her a bit yesterday, was the only one who mentioned her and said bad things about her on that call.

Adam Schiff, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, needs to issue subpoenas as if they’re PEZ. After all, it is the Halloween season. As the White House continues to defy subpoenas, Schiff needs to take them to court, again and again.

Eventually, he’ll catch the Great Pumpkin.

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Who’s Beagle?

cjones12282014

Stafford SPCA lost a court case this week and had to return a Beagle to their owners. The owners didn’t have paperwork but they provided DNA. There’s no mention in the story of how the owners provided the dog’s DNA. But since I own a Beagle,  you’re probably wearing Beagle hair on your person every single day.