Jeff Sessions

Yappy Jesus


cjones06202018

Americans love to say America is the greatest country in the world. The new doctrine for our foreign policy is “We’re America, bitch.” But, I’m pretty sure the greatest country in the world wouldn’t separate children from their parents and imprison them in tents in the desert. Maybe there was some confusion, and they were supposed to be in tent prisons with dessert. Spelling is a challenge for this White House.

Obviously inspired by the recently pardoned Joe Arpaio (the racist law-breaking criminal sheriff in Arizona), the Trump administration is looking to place 1,000-5,000 immigrant children in tent cities in the desert. The number of migrant children the government has apprehended has increased by 20% since a “zero-tolerance” policy was initiated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen (who doesn’t know Norway is mostly white but knows a brown kid when she sees one). The new policy ordered the Border Patrol to refer anyone crossing the border illegally for criminal prosecution, no matter the situation. Some people being incarcerated haven’t crossed illegally, as they went to the Border Patrol and requested asylum, which we don’t grant anymore for people whose lives are threatened by gangs or spousal abuse.

The number of children currently held by the government is over 11,200 at some 100 facilities (with Trump murals and re-education classes) to hold them are around 95% full. One solution would be to stop separating children from their parents and throwing them all in jail, which sounds a little better than throwing toddlers to cacti and rattlesnakes. But, maybe the Trump murals will ward off the snakes and Gila Monsters.

Sessions justified this abuse of government policy by quoting the Bible. He cited Romans 13 when he said, “to obey the laws of the government because God has ordained the government for his purposes.” Funny thing. That’s the same verse used by Southerners to justify owning slaves in the 1800s. Scary thing: Sessions probably knows that.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a church goer as well. During a White House press briefing Thursday, Sanders was insulting members of the press (they really hate Jim Acosta) and using the Bible defense. She said, “I can say that it is very biblical to enforce the law. That is actually repeated a number of times throughout the Bible. It’s a moral policy to follow and enforce the law.”

I haven’t seen a government use religion to justify policy this much since the Taliban.

There are probably a lot of quotes from the Bible that can be used to defend this administration.

There’s, “Thou shall not grab strange vaginas, unless thou is famous.”

And then there’s, “Thou shall not boast about grabbing strange vaginas to a reality TV host on a bus unless it’s just locker room talk.”

Plus, “Do not shag a porn star unless she’s willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement.”

I think this one was added yesterday: “Thou shall not salute a North Korean General unless his large hat is really spiffy.”

I’m gonna let you in on a secret. I made those up. But, here’s one that’s genuine: From Deuteronomy 10:18-19, “God loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt.”

But, maybe I’m doing it wrong, and we’re only supposed to quote Old Testament God and not Hippy God.

Watch me draw.

Thank you for your support. Reader contributions really do help and are appreciated in a time of dwindling revenue for political cartoonists. You will also be supporting free speech and the First Amendment, and independent journalism while those in power are doing all they can to suppress it. You can also support by purchasing a signed print for $40.00. Just look at the right of this page and click the PayPal button, or you can email and make other arrangements. Thank you!

Advertisements

Not Down With The Brown


cjones05112018

Just when you think Jeff Sessions is our hero and is the only stopgap between Democracy and Trump authoritarianism, and that he realizes the Justice Department is not the president’s personal goon squad designed to protect him, he does something to remind us that he’s still a backward troglodyte racist elf.

The Attorney General did the right thing by recusing himself from overseeing the Special Counsel’s Russia investigation, and he’s resisted pressure from Trump to fire Rod Rosenstein, Robert Mueller’s boss. He’s been harassed and bullied on Twitter by Trump. Devin Nunes is threatening him with contempt and Sean Hannity is publicly wondering if he’s part of the Deep State. You almost feel sorry for him until you remember he’s still an opponent of Civil Rights, marriage equality, and believes marijuana will kill you.

Don’t forget, Sessions was the first Senator to endorse Donald Trump. He proudly wore a very tiny Make America Great Again hat and sat on a booster seat at the same table as George Papadopoulos during their Russian collusion meetings.

On Monday, Sessions vowed to separate parents from their children who enter the country illegally. Proving he doesn’t have much of a heart in that itty-bitty tiny frame of his. At some I-Hate-Gringos-Photo-Op in Arizona, Sessions said, “If you are smuggling a child then we will prosecute you, and that child will be separated from you as required by law. If you don’t like that then don’t smuggle children over our border.” And then he said, “raggle raggle raggle” and stole some hamburgers.

Did you hear that future illegal immigrants? If you must sneak across our border, leave your children behind in the desert with rattlesnakes and banditos.

Sessions made his comments on the same day Melania Trump unveiled her “Be Best” program, where she said “Children deserve every opportunity to enjoy their innocence…unless they’re filthy little buggers their parents sneaked across the border.” OK, she only said the first half of that, but the second part is the policy of her husband’s administration. But, it’s not Melania’s fault if she is unaware of Trump’s policies since she’s usually not even aware, or interested of where he is. Melania’s “Be Best” program runs counter to Trump’s “Be An Asshole” program.

When the administration arrests someone who has entered the nation illegally, the children are transferred to the Office of Refugee Resettlement, part of the Department of Health and Human Services, which refers them to relatives in the U.S. or to shelters run by private organizations. Basically, they’re creating orphans.

The Department of Homeland Security says 700 children have been separated from their parents since the fiscal year began last October. Last week, Sessions sent 35 prosecutors and 18 immigration judges to the border to deal with border crossing cases. Apparently, there are not enough Border Patrol agents to dump out the water that humanitarian groups leave for immigrants in the desert.

You wonder if they really hate people who don’t look like them, or they’re just throwing red meat to their base, or both.

People south of our border love their children as much as we love ours. In fact, bringing them to the United States shows how much they want a better life for their kids.

Their kids too deserve every opportunity to enjoy their innocence, and not to be punished by a hateful elf.

Here’s the video.

Please consider making a donation to keep the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. Reader contributions, small and large, really do help and are appreciated in a time of dwindling revenue for political cartoonists. You will also be supporting free speech and liberty while those in power are doing all they can to suppress it. You can also support by purchasing a signed print for $40.00. Just look at the right of this page and click the PayPal button, or you can email and make other arrangements. Thank you!

Billionaire Steals Pension From Career Public Servant


cjones03202018

Donald Trump once asked Andrew McCabe who he voted for. I really hope he didn’t vote for Trump.

After Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, he called then interim director McCabe and yelled at him for allowing Comey to return home from California, where he was at the time of the firing, and allowing him to fly on a government plane. At the end of that conversation, Trump told McCabe, “ask your wife what it’s like to be a loser,” in reference to her losing campaign when she ran for public office.

Donald Trump once cut off health insurance for a sick infant, which was the grandson of his late brother.

Currently, Trump, the president of the United States of America, is trying to collect $20 million from a porn star because she won’t be quiet about sleeping with him.

Friday night, around 10:00 PM, Donald Trump, through his troll Attorney General Jeff Sessions, fired Andrew McCabe hours before his retirement in an effort to prevent him from collecting his pension after 21 years of government service.

In case you can’t tell by this point, Donald Trump is a petty asshole.

Trump has been bullying McCabe for months on Twitter and through the press threatening to fire him.

Trump has been upset that McCabe is a witness for James Comey. Trump’s move to fire McCabe tells the entire Federal Bureau of Investigation that if doing their job crosses Trump, he’ll come after them.

During the presidential debates, Hillary Clinton warned us that Trump would use the presidency and Justice Department to go after his political enemies. Once again, he’s proving her right. Just as she was right about Trump being Putin’s Puppet, she was correct about him acting like a tin-pot dictator of a banana republic.

Trump is also trying to move his case with Stormy Daniels out a state court to a federal court, where he appoints the judges. By the way, this legal move proves Trump was a part of the non-disclosure agreement.

If you’re not angry and afraid at this point, you’re an idiot.

Trump’s supporters say they didn’t want Obama’s socialism. But they’re perfectly fine with authoritarianism. I’m not and Donald Trump needs to go.

Trump’s supporters and sycophants love his court appointments and tax cuts, but will they love what’s left of this nation after he leaves? That is if he leaves. He’s already “joking” about being president for life, or in this case, ruler for life.

McCabe has been on an FBI SWAT team. He investigated the 2013 Boston Marathon bombing. He’s worked in the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division and National Security Branch. He deserves better than to be attacked politically by the most self-serving president in our nation’s history. If Donald Trump is petty enough to attack career servants for perceived slights against him, he’ll sacrifice our national security for his personal interest.

Also, on Friday night, retired four-star Army general Barry McCaffrey tweeted, “Reluctantly I have concluded that President Trump is a serious threat to US national security. He is refusing to protect vital US interests from active Russian attacks. It is apparent that he is for some unknown reason under the sway of Mr Putin.”

What the general failed to mention is that Trump is a petty asshole.

Here’s the video.

Please consider making a donation to keep the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. Reader contributions, small and large, really do help and are appreciated in a time of dwindling revenue for political cartoonists. You will also be supporting free speech and liberty while those in power are doing all they can to suppress it. You can also support by purchasing a signed print for $40.00. Just look at the right of this page and click the PayPal button. Thank you!

California Shaming


cjones03122018

If you don’t know what song I’m spoofing here, get off my blog.

Jeff Sessions went to California, held a press conference and said, “California, we have a problem.” The Attorney General and Justice Department are suing the state of California over so-called sanctuary cities. This is a lawsuit with an audience of one, Donald Trump.

Sessions has been on Trump’s hit list of late as the president has been bullying the AG on Twitter for the Russia investigation and conspiracy theories the Justice Department has not been investigating. So, going after California shows Trump that Sessions is still that elfish Alabama racist he has always known and loved, and it’s red meat for the Trump base.

Unfortunately for Sessions, each point in his fight against California is bogus.

The state passed three laws Sessions and Trump hate. One limits state and local agencies’ ability to share information about criminals or suspects with federal immigration officers unless they have been convicted of a serious crime. Another bars local businesses from allowing Immigration and Customs Enforcement to examine employee records without a court order or a subpoena. The third gives California the right to inspect immigration detention centers within the states.

Trump, Sessions, and other Republicans have perpetuated a myth that undocumented immigrants in sanctuary cities are free from arrest, detention, or deportation. That’s just not true.

the first law, where the state doesn’t share information with federal immigration officers unless the suspect has committed a serious crime, just makes sense. First off, local law enforcement is not supposed to do the work of immigration officers. Second, by sharing information from every undocumented immigrant with the feds, then no immigrant will ever want to cooperate with police. Do you want witnesses to crimes or would you rather everyone hide when the police drive by? The Justice Department is suing the state for not doing ICE’s job.

The second law prohibits employers from giving ICE the records of their employees unless they have a warrant. Shouldn’t that be the law anyway? As usual, Republicans are two-faced when it comes to warrants. They believe the feds should be able to break down your door and go through your records without a warrant. But, they don’t want the FBI to legally acquire warrants to run a surveillance operation on a suspected Russian spy who is a member of the Trump campaign. Brown immigrants are bad while Russian spies are, what Russian spies?

That law is about state rights which is something that Sessions, being an old Keebler cracker from Alabama, should know something about. He’s made the state-rights argument plenty of times himself.

The third law allows the state to oversee federal detention centers. That makes sense, as there have been several cases of immigrants abused at these facilities nationwide. California has a better track record of treating undocumented immigrants as human beings than ICE, which has been on a joy ride of late separating families.

Trump and company have been scapegoating immigrants and describing them as gangsters. Now they’re attempting the same with California because they know they’ll never win California and believe they have nothing to lose.

But, Sessions and Trump also have a poor track record in the courts. I’m sure their fight with California will continue their track record.

Here’s the video.

Please consider making a donation to keep the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. Reader contributions, small and large, really do help and are appreciated in a time of dwindling revenue for political cartoonists. You will also be supporting free speech and liberty while those in power are doing all they can to suppress it. You can also support by purchasing a signed print for $40.00. Just look at the right of this page and click the PayPal button. Thank you!

Mellow Harshing Sessions


cjones01062018

I don’t like marijuana. A lot of people in my profession are afraid to admit they ever smoked the stuff in the past, just in case they’re going to transport to 1992 and run for president. I don’t care who knows it. I smoked it on a fairly frequent basis as a teen despite not really liking it.

It wasn’t so much a peer pressure thing as it was just what we did. If I was hanging out with one friend, pot didn’t turn up. If there was a group, then there was pot. At some point, I decided I just wasn’t going to do it anymore. That was probably the day I gave a dealer a ride home, and he lost a joint in my car and he wouldn’t leave until he found it. But, after I decided not to do it anymore I discovered something. Nobody cared.

I didn’t face a backlash. I didn’t lose friends. No one thought I wasn’t cool anymore, maybe because I wasn’t really cool to begin with, but my life didn’t change. At some point, when the doobie was passed around (do we still call them “doobies?”), everyone would just bypass me instead of asking if I wanted a hit. People who do pot tend to be very friendly and generous while smoking. While I have hung out with a lot of people while they were smoking (remember, I have been in bands), I never cared either. I usually liked the aroma and smelling it was a part of band practice.

While I don’t like pot I know I can’t debate you into not liking it. I don’t care if you love it. I think the stuff is mostly harmless and more beneficial to people who need it for an illness. Marijuana should be legal, medically and recreationally. Voters in several states agree.

While marijuana is legal in states like Colorado, Washington, and now California, it’s still illegal federally. Obama handled this situation by telling the federal government to chill out and leave those states along. Candidate Donald Trump said he would continue the same policy. Candidate Donald Trump is a liar.

While Donald Trump attempts to exert strict control over the Justice Department and Attorney General Jeff Sessions over investigations into his corruption, believing they exist to serve him, he hasn’t lifted a finger of the AG’s decision to end Obama’s policy on marijuana.

Sessions rescinded an Obama-era policy that discouraged federal prosecutors in most cases from bringing charges wherever marijuana is legal. Sessions has long been a critic of marijuana.

I have never done illegal drugs in my life. I can say that because marijuana is not a drug. It’s organic. I’m not one to say everyone should try everything before they oppose it, but Jeff Sessions could use one good high. The experience would educate him that the stuff is harmless (even if he doesn’t like it), and you really shouldn’t worry about other people doing it. But, since they can’t freak out over what gay people do in their bedrooms anymore that doesn’t involve them, Republicans have this to scrutinize.

If anything, the legalizing of weed in states has proven wrong every fear there was about legalizing it. Crime hasn’t increased, people aren’t tripping off buildings, folks aren’t driving their cars into preschools, etc. It’s been a boom for state budgets and entrepreneurs.

It’s been far more expensive criminalizing marijuana over the decades. If the Charleston can go out of style from the 1920s, then why can’t prohibition?

It’s also very hypocritical of an old, Southern, racist redneck that used to get hysterical over state’s rights to now want to crack down on something that doesn’t hurt anyone.

Again, I’m going to advocate that Jeff Sessions needs to get high. Now, I don’t expect him to fire up a blunt, but perhaps we can put some into a Keebler cookie. That sounds like it’d be right up his tree.

Wouldn’t it be awesome to see a stoned Jeff Sessions doing the Charleston? That’s gonna be in my head all day.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Collusion Over Coffee


cjones11162017

It’s been a very busy week for bullshit.

First, Vladimir Putin told Trump he didn’t have anything to do with Russia meddling in our election. As if, Russia had Wikileaks hack into the DNC, made attempts to hack into voting systems, placed ads on Facebook and Twitter, sent Russians to hang out with Trump sycophants, and unleashed troll farms, all without Putin being aware of it. Worse yet, Trump believed him.

Then, Jeff Sessions is questioned by Congress again, and tells us his previous lies weren’t lies. There were a lot of “I don’t recalls,” and he explained how he suddenly remembers telling Papadopoulos not to go to Russia at a meeting he doesn’t remember attending.

I’m not sure this administration can match Reagan’s with “I don’t recalls,” but they may beat them in indictments.

And then…Donald Trump Jr, who got really upset every time someone accused the campaign of colluding with Russia, revealed yet another incident of his collusion with Russia.

During the campaign, Jr. was trading messages back and forth with Wikileaks through Twitter. They even asked Jr. to give them his father’s tax returns so they could leak it and pretend they weren’t just going after the Clinton campaign. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.

Wikileaks suggested to Jr. that Trump not concede if he lost, and should challenge the results (which he still did after winning). Jr. even emailed Steve Bannon, Kellyanne Conway, and Jared Kushner to tell them Wikileaks just made contact. Jared forwarded that email to Hope Hicks. How often have we seen Kellyanne on TV denying there was any collusion with Russia? Maybe twice?

In keeping with his strategy of not knowing when to shut up, Jr. tweeted out, “Here is the entire chain of messages with @wikileaks9 with my whopping 3 responses) which one of the congressional committees has chosen to selectively leak. How ironic!”

How terrible it must be when someone leaks proof you’re full of shit and a traitor.

Uh, Jr….the fact you replied even once can be described as a whopper. What else can be defined as whopperistic are your denials of collusion. If you were actually transparent you would have revealed this a very long time ago, at least around the time you were calling people liars who accused you of colluding. Or maybe, you could have revealed this after everyone found out you were hosting Russians who were promising dirt on Hillary in Trump Tower.

Jeff Sessions once said “good people don’t smoke marijuana,” but potheads have a better memory than these guys.

People are starting to think maybe Eric isn’t the dumb one after all. At this point, I’m starting to think Carter Page might be related.

Meanwhile, wingnuts are destroying Keurig coffee makers because the company pulled advertising from Sean Hannity’s show when that guy helped deflect Roy Moore’s pedophilia.

Destroying coffee makers should please Kellyanne Conway, who believes kitchen appliances can spy on us.

It’s hard to get cartoon ideas on people who are already cartoons.

Creative notes: Shortish blog today because I need to write ideas for two commissioned projects. Also, I’m not sure if this cartoon is good at all. But, sometimes I’ll go with something if it makes me laugh and I can have fun with it. It’s hard to tell sometimes when you don’t get your idea until 5:00 AM.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Hating Jeff’s Cookies


cjones07272017

A flaming bag of poo may be the perfect metaphor for the Trump administration.

Jeff Sessions wasn’t just one of the first elected officials to endorse Donald Trump for president, he was the first United States Senator to back Trump. Sessions looked at Trump and saw narcissism, ignorance, stupidity, sexism, and racism and said, “that’s what I want for a president.” It was probably the racism that got him.

Sessions introduced Trump at one of his earliest rallies, which was in Mobile, Alabama. He was in so deep with the Trump campaign that he was secretly meeting Russians for Trump. He later forgot to mention meeting these Russians during his confirmation hearings. Sessions was in so tight with Trump, that he committed perjury for him.

Trump was so appreciative of Sessions’ support, he awarded him with the job of Attorney General after his first two choices backed out (turns out Matlock is fictional). What a guy.

Since Trump is one of those “what have you done for me lately?” kinda guys, his love for Sessions has gone soft. Some would say it’s entirely limp. It’s flaccid. It’s dysfunctional. It’s not getting back up anytime soon.

Trump is really upset that Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation, and his deputy appointed a Special Counsel to investigate the president’s collusion with Russia.

Trump says if Sessions had told him before he was appointed AG that he would recuse himself, then Trump would not have appointed him. Unless Sessions and Trump plotted the Russia collusion together and one of them said “we might be investigated for this,” then how was Sessions to know there would be a need for an investigation?

Trump says Sessions should not have recused himself. Sessions should not have had to recuse himself because he shouldn’t be Attorney General. We also shouldn’t have a president neck-deep in Putin’s anus, but what ya’ gonna do?

Trump values loyalty. It’s something that he keeps bringing up. He puts great stock in people being loyal to him, but not in his own loyalty. He expects loyalty to be placed above the law. The law is what Sessions followed in recusing himself and that’s chapped Trump’s orange ass.

Trump sold out Sean Spicer and now he’s selling out Sessions. He’s conducted a tweet storm against the guy and questioning why he’s not using his position for political retribution to go after his opponent from the presidential campaign and the former FBI director.

If Trump fires Sessions, it won’t be just because he’s angry. It’ll be to thwart the Special Counsel’s investigation. Trump can’t fire Robert Mueller. He has to tell his appointees in the Justice Department to do that dirty work. The firing would have to be done by Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein unless Trump fires him too. Trump’s already expressed concern that Rosenstein is from liberal Baltimore, even though he’s not.

This issue is another reason to pay close attention to what the Republicans are doing in the Senate with their health-care bill. They’re ramming several versions through for a vote. If they all fail, then the Senate will be able to say they tried, and then go on recess and hang out on the beach like Chris Christie. It’s during this recess that Trump could fire Sessions and make a recess appointment, which won’t need Senate confirmation. However, that appointment can only be made if the recess is to last longer than ten days and the Senate may fight it. While the Republicans love Trump, and they control the Senate calendar, they also love Sessions who was previously one of them.

Firing Sessions may be the final act to anger Republicans in Congress. Trump has already fired an FBI director to stop the investigation into Russia, and that action made it worse. Firing more people to end the investigation will only heighten the need to investigate, and perhaps remove Trump from office. We’re already on the highway to a Constitutional crisis.

I’m all for removing an Attorney General who doesn’t believe in justice for minorities or Civil Rights, but I’m not for obstruction of justice. Someone does need to be removed from office and that person is the president.

Trump, focusing on what’s “fair” to him and only him, says it’s unfair to the president that the Attorney General recused himself. What is unfair is that we have to live through the administration of an unqualified president who wants to rule, not govern, and places himself above the law.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.