Jeb Bush

No Bums Allowed

cjones09062018

If you’re ostracized, blacklisted, shut out, and generally just avoided and uninvited by anyone with the least modicum of decency, maybe the issue isn’t with them but with you. At what point do you ask yourself, “am I really that unpleasant of a person?” Maybe, and I’m just spitballing here, but it’s when everyone who works with you is required to sign non-disclosure agreements, so they don’t inform the world just how vile and disgusting you are.

Donald Trump was not invited to the funeral for Barbara Bush. He has had a long-running feud with the Bush family from Jeb to W. and he’s made it personal.

He wasn’t invited to John McCain’s funeral because he attacked McCain on the campaign trail, saying he’s not a war hero and that he likes people who weren’t captured. He continued to attack McCain while he was dying. He refused to mention his name while speaking about a bill named after McCain. Reportedly, he wouldn’t allow the White House to issue a positive statement about McCain after his death, and only issued condolences to his family. After one day, the White House stopped flying the flag at half-mast, and only returned it to that position of respect after public pressure.

Trump wasn’t invited to the royal wedding just because he’s really icky. Prince Harry probably remembers that Trump claimed he could have had sex with his mother just days after she died. I hope he was referring to when she was alive.

If Trump wasn’t rich, the only invites he’d ever receive would be to Klan gatherings. He definitely wouldn’t have rich friends, have married three models, and his own children probably wouldn’t have anything to do with him, that is if he could have found a woman willing to bear his offspring. The closest he would have ever gotten to Playmates and porn stars would be through magazines and the internet, like most people. He would be the angry guy at the end of the bar complaining about the government, except he would have been banned from that bar.

He’s a very irritable person. He’s a narcissistic, sexist, racist, stupid, angry con man who spreads conspiracy theories. This is a guy who praises Nazis and steals from charity. Physically, he’s a supposed billionaire with the worst comb-over in the world that isn’t fooling anyone. He owns a clothing line yet has never worn a suit that didn’t cover his body like a potato sack. On top of all that, he eats burnt steaks smothered in ketchup.

The very worst thing about Donald Trump is that the Republican Party has turned into his image. Now, to be a Republican you’re required to be an asshole. If you don’t believe me, just hashtag McCain’s name on Twitter and see what you find.

Whether you agree with their policies or not, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are very likable people. Clinton and George H.W. Bush even became close years after their bitter campaigns against each other. Trump’s jealousy of them is only eclipsed by his intense envy and hatred of Barack Obama. In addition to being popular, he’s a very decent human being. The real irony is that Trump waged a conspiracy theory to delegitimize the presidency of Obama, yet it’s Trump’s presidency that is really illegitimate and riding on the coattails of his predecessor’s accomplishments.

Who likes Trump? Only the most vilest, disgusting, horrid, and despicable people. If they don’t fit any of those traits, then they’re just really stupid.

Maybe it’s not always your fault when some people don’t want to be around you anymore. But when it’s everyone, trust me. It’s not them, it’s you.

If Donald Trump had the capacity to be honest with himself, then he would do some soul-searching. The only problem with that is, he’d have to have a soul first. Trust me, Donald. It’s not them. It’s all on you.

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Good Bye, Jeb

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I spent Saturday knowing Jeb Bush would drop out of the campaign later in the evening and I was still considering taking the night off. I thought about putting a Jeb cartoon off until Sunday (published Monday morning). What happened was I ended up drawing two cartoons.

I had an idea I was OK with and I was almost done drawing when I got another idea. An idea I liked better. So I scrapped the cartoon I was drawing and started all over again…around 3:00 AM. I liked the second idea better because it included half the reason Jeb Bush failed. That reason is Donald Trump. The second reason is Jeb Bush. He’s boring and nobody wants another Bush presidency except for people with the last name “Bush.”

Jeb is a nice guy. I think he is. But he’s that nice guy where you leave the conversation early swearing your phone rang and he didn’t hear it because it was on vibrate. Jeb is boring. His brother, for being a nation destroying idiot, is not boring. His father, well he rode on Reagan’s coattails.

The question now isn’t so much as who do his future voters go to, but where does his money go? It goes to Rubio. Yeah, John Kasich is the other chief executive establishment guy, but the primary and delegate map doesn’t work out for him. Rubio is the establishment guy who’s actually placed at least third (maybe 2nd in South Carolina). Jeb’s donors will now flock to Marco. I’m sure he’ll enjoy looking up to them.

This is now a three-man race. Trump is the man for the stupid angry people. Cruz is the guy for the ultra-right wing, crazy religious zealots who want a theocracy. Rubio is for the establishment folks who like the way he talks. Kasich is out of the loop and Ben Carson is Dr. Delusional for even hanging around this long.

With Bush gone the person who will miss him most will be Donald Trump. Now who is he going to call “low energy?” Trump is going to miss Jeb like I miss drawing W. Jeb, you didn’t give me much of a chance.

And that other cartoon I started drawing? Come back for an update. I plan to finish it and share with the world and I’ll offer it to my clients who are afraid  of”shut the bleep up.” It won’t be on GoComics.

Update: Here’s the first cartoon. Maybe you’ll like it better than the plane cartoon. I don’t but I did enjoy drawing the Georges.

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W’s Bigger Little Brother

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When George W. Bush strode across that flight deck 30 miles off the San Diego coast, wearing a flight suit and boasting “mission accomplished,” it might have been the most obnoxious photo op in political history.

Now Republicans are arguing over how W. kept us safe, and did a good job fighting back after terrorists killed thousands of us. I don’t understand how you talk so much about a terrorist attack which killed thousands of Americans in the same context as “keeping us safe.” After 9/11 Bush destabilized the Middle East, created myths to start a war which killed over a hundred thousand people, killed and injured thousands of Americans and oh yeah…created ISIS. But hey, he kept us safe. And Republicans in South Carolina boo when you bring this up. How dare you talk about facts. How dare your party be so ridiculous that the only one of you who can be somewhat honest about it is Donald Freaking Trump.

The Republicans love to talk about who’s qualified for president. If you think George W. Bush did a good job regarding 9/11 and Iraq then you are not qualified to be president.

Now W. is back trying to help Jeb’s campaign in South Carolina, where he’s currently running fourth. What’s scary is that W. sounds like the smart one.

I watched his speech the other day and it reminded me of the time during his administration when if you questioned him, then your patriotism was questioned. If you weren’t with us you were against us. It was a time that intellect, sophistication, and critical thinking was regarded as a weakness. Mediocrity, stupidity and empty boastful rhetoric was hailed and praised as leadership. Oh, that’s right. We’re still doing that.

Yes, W. was the smart one. Looking at the entire field of Republican candidates, he’s still the smart one. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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Republican Road Rage

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I hate the Clown Car analogy that’s been tossed around to describe the Republican candidates for president. It’s not that I disagree with the description. It’s that it’s a lazy analogy and not creative at all. If Chris Matthews uses it then you shouldn’t (and it’s an analogy he repeats every day). So I may be the only American editorial cartoonist (who’s not a conservative hacker) who has not used that analogy. But after seeing the last Republican debate (I didn’t watch all of it, just the hightlights), it did remind me of family road trips from Hell.

Sorry if this brings up bad memories. I was raised the youngest and had an older brother and sister so I probably can’t complain about them being the pain in the butt…it was me. I also have a younger sister and brother but I wasn’t raised with them. Long story.

I never intended to insert Kasich into this cartoon. As I was lettering the text I thought how funny it would be if he was left at a rest stop (probably in Ohio). There’s always that kid without any charisma that you forget, sometimes because the other kids are competing for attention. At the debate before the New Hampshire primary Kasich was forgotten. It took Chris Christie to remind the moderators that they forgot to introduce Governor Blah.

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Freedom, Fear And Hummus

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I’m exhausted. I’m tired of the militant gun crowd screaming for more guns. I’m tired of Republicans who believe it’s OK to sell guns to people they put on the no-fly list. Mostly I’m tired of bigotry and the support it’s gaining.

Obama issued a rare Oval Office address Sunday night in attempt to beef up confidence in his handling of ISIS. He also appealed for the public to be rational toward those of the Islamic faith.

While the public has very little faith in the president’s handling of terrorism, the Republican candidates are scaring the Hell out of those who are more pragmatic.

The GOP candidates aren’t just selling fear. They’re selling hate, bigotry and outright racism. Most of them are calling for the rejection of Syrian refugees entering the country (though there hasn’t been any acts of terrorism by anyone who entered the country through the refugee process). Trump says we should kill the terrorists’ families and put mosques under surveillance. Ted Cruz wants to strip citizenship of suspected terrorists and responded to the latest mass shooting by holding a rally at a gun range. Even the most mainstream of the candidates, Jeb Bush, says we should only accept Christian refugees. Worst of all, they’re selling the fear that you’re not safe unless you own a semi-automatic weapon and carry it with you at all times.

The candidates bigotry wouldn’t be so alarming if it wasn’t gaining so much support. That’s what I’m tired of. I’m tired of people blaming Muslims and trying to smear the entire faith as violent. I’m tired of people who are only concerned with Muslim killers, but not white killers, or Christian killers.

In other news, many of the Republican candidates spoke to the Jewish Coalition. Of course they pandered. Every candidate, Republican and Democrat pander to whatever group they’re speaking to at the time. But some of these guys really got into the stereotypes. Jim Gilmore (yes, he’s still in the race) said he’s seen Schindler’s List. Jeb Bush informed the crowd that he knows what Hannukah is. Ted Cruz said a vote for Hillary is a vote for the Ayatollah to nuke Israel. John Kasich said if you want a good friend, find one who’s Jewish. Rick Santorum mentioned he worked with a Jew in the Senate. Donald Trump told them he knows how much they like their money and how good of negotiators they are. I’m shocked none of the candidates referred to Obama as a schlemiel.

The funniest part was Ben Carson who seemed to be reading directly from a Wikipedia entry. In referencing Hamas, Ben Carson pronounced it “hummus.” Apparently the good doctor has never had a conversation in his life about the Middle East and heard the proper pronunciation. Let’s just hope he never orders an appetizer of Hamas with flat bread.

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Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Debate Terms

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The Republicans have submitted debate demands to the networks. These include:

No “gotcha” questions. Basically any question a candidate can’t answer, like how their math doesn’t add up, is a gotcha question.

Nobody can bring props which really disappoints me. I was really hoping to see Ted Cruz make balloon animals.

They want a ten minute break. Apparently none of the candidates has a strong bladder. They’re not Hillary Clinton who can be grilled for 11 hours.

Each candidate will get a 30-second opening statement which was negotiated down from Ben Carson’s plan of 30-minute opening statements.

No lightning rounds which is sad because I was hoping candidates would get struck by lightning for each fib.

The temperature has to be kept at 67 degrees. I think this was a Rubio demand since they won’t let him bring a cooler on stage.

Donald Trump has said screw the Republican Party’s negotiations and he’ll negotiate separately. Does that mean the room will be like a fancy car’s air system where the area over Trump’s podium will be kept at a different temperature? Will Trump negotiate a lifeline?

I think I drew the candidates in bikinis a couple of months ago. I can’t remember when or what point I was making (I just looked it up. I drew them as transgenders and it was published June 2). I usually can’t remember what I drew yesterday. However I do remember that yesterday I drew soldiers in women’s heels. I don’t know why I like drawing guys in drag. I’m not right. I’m going to blame it on watching too many Bugs Bunny cartoons as a kid. I also like the idea that somewhere soon someone will gag on their Cheerios while reading their morning paper. I also get small pleasure when someone informs me I made them spit coffee on their keyboard.

You read these cartoons at your own risk. You know how warped my mind is.

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Jeb Punches Down

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Did you witness the verbal smack down Marco Rubio laid on Jeb Bush during the last debate? The funny thing is, Rubio didn’t go after Bush. Bush went after him but Marco was ready. And sure, Rubio is full of all sorts of crap but he really did well on style, plus tearing into Jeb is pretty easy.

The oddest part is is why did Jebby go after Marco? Marco isn’t leading in the polls. If anything Jeb needs to take down Trump and Carson. He needs to punch up, not down. Of course each time Bush got into a tiff with Trump he’s come out for the worse and you can’t really go after Carson because that’s like bullying the paste-eating kid everyone feels sorry for. So that left Rubio. Maybe Jeb should stop picking fights. He’s not good at it.

I think if Jeb wants to start a fight he should go after Bobby Jindal. Sure, nobody cares about Jindal and most people forget he’s even in the race. However I think Bush can take him. Probably. Maybe.

Here’s the thing, Jeb. You’re not ever going to be president so now might be a good time to focus on one of those other “cool things” you could be doing right now. But hey, you might be able to help select the Republican nominee by sacrificing yourself to them in another tiff.

Meat Kills

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I’ve drawn too many cartoons on food lately. I’ve drawn two on McDonald’s (one was local for Utah), I drew the Iowa corn cartoon last Saturday and now this. Food is either hitting the news too much or I need to start eating more than one meal a day. I’m hungry.

The World Health Organization issued a report that stated we’re all going to die. OK it didn’t exactly say that but it did give the impression that Birkenstock-wearing vegetarians will inherit the Earth. That’s a serious bummer. The organization believes eating meat, pork and anything that doesn’t taste like a mop will give you cancer. You can still eat fish but the only ones who actually want to eat fish every day of their lives is other fish. Even bears get tired of fish now and then which is why you see them occasionally chasing hikers. You never see bears chasing tofu.

By the way, I just saw this trivia: Did you know the largest toy distributor in the world is McDonald’s? I do recall around 1995 my son pitching a fit if he didn’t get the Power Ranger he wanted. Nobody liked Yellow Power Ranger and I think we accumulated six of those.

Another piece of trivia for you: Most people will not vote for a vegetarian. Vegetarian Ben Carson is promising that if he’s elected he will occasionally eat something killed by Ted Nugent. I also read most people won’t vote for a candidate if they don’t like their pets which explains why Alice Cooper has never run for president.

I don’t mind doing cartoons like this every now and then. When I say “cartoons like this” I mean cartoons that aren’t mean. I can give my clients and editors a day to breathe easy without any angry phone calls…unless there’s some peeved off cows out there who got their udders in a twist.

I’ll do something mean tomorrow. Ben Carson said he wants to kill liberal speech at public universities and that he once tried to stab someone (I wonder if someone rushed him). Jeb Bush said he can do “cooler things” other than run for president and also stated “blah blah blah.” Donald Trump is still freaking out about Iowa. Some cop went out of his way to visit a classroom and beat up a student which was caught on camera. I’ll be busy tomorrow.

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Stuff Happens

cjones10062015 Jeb Bush’s reaction to the mass shooting in Oregon was “stuff happens.” Afterward he said his quote was taken out of context. The presidential candidate’s actual quote is: “We’re in a difficult time in our country and I don’t think that more government is necessarily the answer to this. I think we need to reconnect ourselves with everybody else. It’s just, it’s very sad to see. But I resist the notion — and I did, I had this, this challenge as governor, because we have, look, stuff happens, there’s always a crisis and the impulse is always to do something and it’s not necessarily the right thing to do.” So doing something is not necessarily the right thing to do. I’m glad we set the context straight here. He’s playing to the gun lobby and conservative voters. Those who believe there should not be anymore regulations on firearms and that we probably need more guns in society (because that’s been working out so well so far). Do nothing. Shrug shoulders. What exactly does this guy plan to do if elected? I know if he becomes president a lot of people will be saying something “happens.” It will start with an “S” but it won’t be “stuff.”

This was my second idea. I had my first idea all day Tuesday but I held of drawing it because I was afraid it might be obvious and another cartoonist would draw it. Actually I felt one particular cartoonist would draw it. I’m not psychic. Maybe it’s because I’ve been a fan of his for over 25 years and we both think weird. Yes, he drew a variation on it and I think it was better than my original idea. Here it is.

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No Hablo Trumpism

cjones09052015

A student asked Jeb! Bush a question in Spanish the other day and Jebby! answered him in Spanish. Immediately Donald Trump attacked Bush and stated he should only speak English in America.

Technically, Mr. Trump, they’re speaking Spanish all over America. They’re speaking it in Argentina, Mexico, Venezuela, Costa Rica, Uruguay, Chile, Belize, Etc. They’re even Speaking Portuguese in Brazil. America is not just the United States even though we like to claim it. Even Canadians are Americans. Perish the thought. This is just a small detail that kind of annoys me. It’s like when a tourist in Hawaii refers to the mainland as “the states.” That’s a good way to piss off a resident of Hawaii. I learned that one the hard way.

What is the point of being bilingual if you can’t use it? Why are we so threatened by another language? Why do we admonish people for being intelligent enough to speak more than one language? Agh, stop being smarter than me!

It’s also arrogant for Europeans to bring a language to a strange land and then insist that only our language be spoken.

If it’s your attitude the language the majority speaks be the only language spoken, will you cling to that argument when Spanish speakers become the majority?

Personally, I think I need to know more Spanish than what I’ve learned off the Taco Bell menu.

I’m convinced Campaign 2016 is making us dumber. I can’t even watch Idiocracy anymore because the comparisons scare me.