Iowa Caucus

Iowa Coin Toss


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Ever see one of the many scenes in Family Guy where Cleveland is naked in his bathtub, his house destroyed and he and the tub are about to crash to the ground from the second story? As the tub is sliding before eventually falling, Cleveland is saying “no, no, no, no.” That’s pretty much every human being’s reaction before any physical contact with Ted Cruz. The guy is creepy.

That was his daughter’s reaction this week when Daddy Ted came in for a kiss. No, no, no, no…ew. It happened.

Everybody hates Ted. His college roommate hates him so much that he’ll pick anyone in the phone book for president over Ted Cruz. A lot of people would extend that list to include those with unlisted numbers. Ted is probably responsible for a lot of people changing their digits.

George W. Bush said “I just don’t like the guy.” John Boehner called him a “jackass.” John McCain, Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee, Lindsey O. Graham, John Cornyn, John Thune, and Tom Coburn have all publicly stated in regards to Cruz, “ew.” Bob Dole said that if Cruz is the nominee that he might oversleep on election day.

Not one member of the U.S. Senate, Cruz’s colleagues, has endorsed him for president. Ted Cruz was the kind of kid that required a pork chop tied around his neck so his dog would play with him. During his college years he would hang outside the women’s showers in a bathrobe. Reportedly the women are still trying to wash the ick off.

On top of all that he looks like Grandpa Munster and he has really tiny hands. I don’t care who you are, that’s just creepy.

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Trump Sick Of Winning


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Football is ending just in time for a political junkie like myself. Watching the Iowa Caucuses results all night is a sport for me.

Usually after an election I like to focus on the winner, unless the loser is a bigger story. While Ted Cruz is a totally vile human being whose own daughter doesn’t want physical contact with him, Trump is the kind of guy who has too much physical contact with his daughter. Ew.

Trump has spent the last seven months talking about how he leads in the polls…and finally when one counts he comes in second. That’s a top story. It’s funny that second is a loss for Trump while third is a win for Rubio.

The race has come down to those three, Cruz, Trump, and Rubio.

There’s a lot of carton subjects from Monday night. What will I do with Cruz winning Iowa? What about Hillary’s and Bernie’s “tie?” Oops! It’s 3:40 AM on the East Coast and Hillary was just declared the winner.

The speeches and lack of speeches were interesting. Hillary’s campaign declared victory early though she didn’t mention it in her speech. Cruz talked about God and how our rights were granted by him (OK then). Rubio talked about God and how Hillary was disqualified from being president. Trump talked Trump. Bernie Sanders gave the best speech I’ve heard in a long time.

I tweeted early in the evening with a prediction a Republican would drop out after the results. If you had Huckabee in the office pool you’re a winner. O’Malley dropped out too. Reality doesn’t hit these guys as much as an empty campaign coffer. I’m sure someone else will drop out Tuesday. The rest, Bush, Carson, Fioriana, Santorum (I think he’ll drop out), etc., are living in denial.

I emailed the cartoon to my clients before I had a chance to write this blog and post the cartoon. One, The Moderate Voice, immediately emailed me that they were posting it. I got scooped by my own client. Go visit them.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

 

Iowa. The Morning After


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Iowa, you cheap slut.

Every presidential candidate goes to the First In The Nation contest  and talks about how much they love Iowa and how important the Hawkeye state is to them. After the caucuses they pretty much ignore it and probably confuse it for Idaho…except for Ben Carson who will confuse it for a Baltic state.

Here in Virginia, they don’t leave. Most senators and congressmen live here or in Maryland. Hell, Newt Gingrich still hasn’t left. Cooter, from Dukes Of Hazzard, is still here and waving a Confederate flag. And though she hasn’t been elected to anything and despite running for the U.S. Senate in California, Carly Fiorina lives here. If there is a God and he’s blessing me he’ll have her run for office in Virginia.

On Tuesday Iowa goes back to being a flyover state. Sorry, Iowa. Look up. They’ll be waving.

Every four years I see cartoons depicting Iowans becoming tired and frustrated with campaigns, candidates, robocalls, yard signs, etc. I call B.S. on that. Bring up the idea that Iowa should not be first in the nation and they scream bloody murder. You would think the Iowa caucus was in the Constitution, yet it’s not even regulated by the state. After the caucuses Iowa won’t be in national news unless they suffer a terrorist attack or field a decent football team. Neither is likely to happen. Neither John Wayne or John Wayne Gacy wanted to go back.

Iowa works as the first stop for candidates. It’s a smaller state and it’s easier for them to canvas. How it doesn’t work is that its not very representative of the nation. Its population is barely over three million and 91% of the citizens are white.  California and Florida are two examples of states that would better represent the nation’s demographic, except both states don’t suffer from lack of media exposure, California would be too much of  a canvasing headache and Florida is too crazy.

I haven’t drawn a sexual reference cartoon in a while. Disgusting, right?

I needed a little break. For me that was most of the weekend. Before last Sunday there were only two days in January without a new cartoon from me. I felt a little burnt out creatively near the end of last week. A day or two without drawing, and spending time eating popcorn and changing my TV channels to non-news stations would be refreshing, especially before the campaigns really get heated. I actually left my studio for a few hours on Saturday. I never go anywhere. I’ve been a beard-growing hermit lately.

Think this election has been crazy so far? Now it’s really going to pick up. I’m stoked.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!