Hillarys Health

Healthiest Blockhead Ever


Donald Trump went on a talk show to deliver a doctor’s report on his health. The show was hosted by a Doctor Oz, proving this election cycle that we are definitely not in Kansas anymore.

I’m sorry to report while on the show with Doctor Oz that candidate Trump didn’t ask or receive a heart or a brain. But he did present a letter proving he’s healthy. How could he not be with a skin tone of a healthy hue of orange? Have you ever heard an Oompa Loopa hack?

Several months ago Trump challenged Hillary Clinton to release her health records and he offered to go first. She presented a health report and we’re still waiting on Trump’s. While Trump showed Doc Oz a piece of paper by that same fart doctor who said if elected Trump will be the healthiest president ever, the rest of us will have to wait to see it. What we did learn is that Trump can stand to lose 15 lbs. and he’s fighting high cholesterol. No word on whether he has herpes contracted from his days of sleeping around while single and also while he was married.

Both candidates should have their health questioned because, well, they’re both extremely old. There have been further questions about the candidates’ health since Clinton nearly fainted last Sunday at a memorial service for 9/11. Trump has actually refrained from engaging in conspiracy theories of her health but yesterday he did state that she wasn’t healthy enough to stand in a room crowded with a Trump rally. This is pretty bizarre since Clinton withstood over 12 hours of grilling in a Congressional hearing while Trump complained of standing for three hours during a debate. His tiny little Cheeto feet got tired.

Clinton released more details on her health yesterday, including a report on her mental health. If that isn’t trolling Trump then I don’t know what is.

I’m sure if Trump presents something proving he’s mentally competent that it would have to come from a cartoon quack without a license such as Lucy Van Pelt.

If I was Lucy I would ask for that nickel up front before signing anything for Trump. He has a very unhealthy track record of paying his bills.

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Someone’s Sick


If I was a conspiracy theorist, like most conservatives, I would believe that Hillary Clinton is faking her pneumonia just to troll Trump supporters to prove how deplorable they really are.

Last week Clinton had a coughing fit at a rally and conservatives had a fit. Speculations went from her having a cold to Parkinson’s Disease. Others thought a scratchy throat is an implication of a brain tumor. That’s like checking the air in your tires if your car won’t start.

Today at a commemoration for 9/11 Clinton felt woozy and was dehydrated. She needed assistance getting into a vehicle to go to her daughter’s nearby home. Conservatives nation wide immediately expressed compassion and concern for her health. Ha! Of course not.

They rejoiced and started up with new theories and speculations. It’s a little disconcerting that the voters who might put Trump over the top to win the presidency believe alien lizard people are secretly controlling us.

Hillary Clinton is sick. You would think Trump’s supporters would take this golden opportunity to prove her incorrect that they are not “deplorable” people. Massive fail on their part. They took the bait, swallowed, and they don’t even know it.

Grover Cleveland had a cancerous tumor removed from his mouth that required not just artificial teeth, but a prosthetic jaw to speak, and he continued to govern (though the entire procedure was done in secret on a yacht. These were the decades before network news and TMZ). Woodrow Wilson suffered a stroke which left him partially paralyzed while in office, which was also kept secret. Franklin Roosevelt was handicapped and guided our nation through the Great Depression and victory in a world war fought on two fronts. Ike suffered a heart attack while in office and kept governing. Ford couldn’t walk the steps of Air Force One without falling down. Reagan was shot, nearly died, reelected, and governed through Alzheimers disease. George H.W. Bush threw up on the Japanese prime minister. His son, George W., almost died in office because he can’t chew his food. Yet for some reason having pneumonia is a deal breaker for the presidency. Never mind the fact that her opponent hasn’t released any serious health records, at least none better than you can get from a barber working out of a van in a strip mall.

OK. Hillary’s campaign handled it poorly. They shielded Clinton from her press pool. Maybe they’re still not being entirely honest. Maybe they were overly concerned and in panic mode. But a cough and dizziness from pneumonia is not enough evidence to start up the Inforwars and 4chan conspiracies. But then again, these are the same people whose faith that Obama was not born in the United States was based solely on the color of his skin.

I know this is falling on deaf, ignorant, and stupid ears, to my conservative friends: Hillary Clinton called you out. She said you’re deplorable. You got upset. You expressed outrage. Within 24 hours you proved her right.

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Hillary’s Health Scare


The current arguments against Hillary Clinton must not be good enough reasons for people to vote against her. The GOP is pushing the narrative that she’s a liar despite the fact they have a nominee that only tells the truth about 10% of the time. They’re still pushing the email server issue and the Clinton Foundation and are pressing for more investigations. After 20 years they haven’t let go of her husband’s infidelity issues. Still, none of that is good enough for Republicans because they’re falling back on conspiracy theories and making stuff up.

Over the past couple of weeks they were whispering rumors about her health. The biggest conspiracy lovers among them were sharing pictures of Clinton being helped up some steps as if she was an invalid. Never mind that we actually had a president who was in a wheel chair and another who continued to serve after suffering a stroke which rendered him paralyzed (you get bonus points today if you know which president that is without Googling for the answer).

Those whispers have now turned into shouts. Donald Trump himself has questioned his physical and mental health which is obvious he’s reflecting his own condition. Now he’s released one of his favorite attack dogs, who traded in his credibility and dignity a few years ago, to make a case out of the health issue.

Rudy 9/11 Giuliani is now scaring up talk over Clinton’s health. This is the same guy who ran for president after beating prostrate cancer.

This is the new birtherism and the birthers are now healthers. That means they don’t need facts. They just need someone to say it and a few rabid right wing websites to bark it out.

These healthers are using junk science and conspiracy theories to argue that Clinton is suffering from brain injuries. Why don’t they just say she’s growing a tail? Giuliani claims the media is hiding evidence about the former Secretary of State’s health and that people should go online to find the truth. If you Google about Clinton’s health what you’ll find is Giuliani spreading theories about Clinton’s health. This stuff is almost as far-fetched as saying Chelsea had four plastic surgeries to hide that Bill isn’t her real father…wait. Someone is pushing that too. At what point do extra terrestrials enter into this?

There is not any evidence here or anything to hide. Clinton’s physician, the only person to speak on the record who has actually examined her, has repeatedly affirmed her health and physical fitness.

Meanwhile Donald Trump’s physician who released a letter affirming the GOP nominee’s fitness isn’t a general practitioner, but a gastroenterologist. He doesn’t mention if he gave Trump a colonoscopy but in fairness, if you had to perform that procedure on Trump you’d probably want to forget it also.

The really weird part of this ass doctor’s letter is where he wrote “if elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” Why would a doctor say that? Did this doc travel through time and look up Mallard Fillmore’s bum? Can he tell us how much corn he found in William Henry Harrison’s stool? And what about Taft? That was one serious fat bastard but Trump would still be older than him if elected. I find it hard to believe The Donald could be healthier Than JFK or Teddy Roosevelt. Even Reagan, who is our oldest president, physically walked into the hospital after he was shot. Trump let bone spurs keep him out of Vietnam and probably wouldn’t be capable of walking into a clinic if he had a splinter. By the way, Teddy was shot while giving a speech and he continued and finished his speech.

I would totally be raising my eyebrows and give health conspiracies another look if Clinton’s letter from a physician was worded the same as Trump’s. Trump’s letter, which used the word “positive” makes you question how many venereal diseases he’s acquired throughout his life. Quite frankly I want to know if my president has herpes.

I do believe a candidate’s age and health are fair issues to discuss to a point. It was fair to question Reagan and McCain’s age and health. It’s fair to ask about Clinton’s. It’s even more fair to ask about Donald Trump, who is two years older than Clinton. After the answers are given then it’s time to let it go and maybe focus on actual issues.

If we want to start conspiracy theories about stuff we don’t have information on, let’s talk about Trump’s taxes. Is he in the mafia? Accepted bribes from the KGB? Financed Justin Beiber’s first album? We need to know what sort of maniac we’re electing.

None of this conspiracy crap is surprising. At least with the Swift Boaters smear campaign the candidate was separated from it. In this case we have a nominee who cites the National Enquirer, spreads rumors that Ted Cruz’s dad was in on the JFK assassination, Obama was born in Kenya, and now wants to know if Mika and Joe from Morning Joe are bumping uglies.

In other news more than 14,000 additional emails are about to be released from Hillary Clinton’s time as Secretary. This may not give her a heart attack but could possibly raise the blood pressure of her supporters.

For the answer on which president suffered the stroke, it was Woodrow Wilson. Did you cheat?

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