Fire And Fury

Stormy Shithole


cjones01152018

The new normal reasserted itself on Friday when news broke that the president of the United States of America had an affair…with a porn star…named “Stormy”…who was paid off to keep quiet….and hardly anyone batted an eye. The only way this scandal would have stopped the presses is if the Stormy affair was with Mike Pence.

Donald Trump in a brouhahaha with a porn star, not surprising. Mike Pence having an impure thought, jaw-dropping. That guy won’t peel his own bananas.

Once upon a time there was a president who received oral sex in the Oval Office and all government business stopped for over a year. It just halted. It was like the invasion of Iraq except the invasion was of an intern’s mouth.

Granted, there are some differences between the Trump sex thing (just typing that got an “ew” out of me) and Bill Clinton’s dalliance.

Clinton’s peccadillo occurred while he was president and Trump’s happened over a decade ago before he even knew there were three branches of government (he knows now, right?). But, Clinton’s Oval Office oral sexcapade was huge news before he testified to a grand jury, before Congress impeached him for it, and before the Senate held a trial. But, Clinton is a Democrat, and he’s Bill Clinton. We knew he was horny when we first elected him in 1992. Before the affair became public most of believed it was only a matter of time before he got caught doing something improper with his wiener. Hell, the Republicans wanted it so bad they spent nearly $40 million of taxpayer money digging for it, and all they got for all that time and money was a blue dress with a stain.

Say what you will about Robert Mueller, but he hasn’t run a DNA test on a semen stain.

Trump’s scandal should still be a big deal. He is the president, and he had an affair with a porn star, and then she was paid to keep quiet about it. He was married to his current wife, which is wife number three. He’s a Republican and his voters are supposedly the people who care so much about family and Christian values. Trump is the guy who promised to bring “Merry Christmas” back (since it never actually went anywhere, it’s a lot easier to bring back than coal mining jobs).

So why was this pushed back by the media? Because we’re still freaking out over “shithole countries.” This president has lied on a daily basis about assorted bullshit. He’s attacked women and minorities. He has boasted about assaulting women and been accused of it by over 20 women. He endorsed a pedophile and defended Nazis. He says stupid stuff and then he double downs on the comments. He’s committed treason. We’ve avoided nuclear war so far despite Trump. After all that shit the porn star news is a little refreshing. The biggest surprise about the porn star is that it was consensual. What if we throw in a second porn star?

For the record, the porn star, Stormy Daniels, has denied the affair and having been paid off. Trump’s lawyer, Michael Cohen has denied it too. He denied it while using the porn star’s working name and not her real one, which was kinda weird. But, of course they denied it because that’s how hush money works.

While they have denied it, a deposit of $130,000 was given by Mr. Cohen to Miss Winter’s Los Angeles bank account. Where did that money come from? Did it come from Cohen, Trump, or Trump’s charity?

It seems Miss Stormy was trying to pitch her story to news outlets shortly before the election, and then she stopped returning reporters’ phone calls. A former Playboy playmate was also shopping a story to news outlets (which real news outlets do not pay for), when she finally got a buyer. The National Enquirer bought her story for $150,000 (how are we evaluating the worth of these porn stars?), and then they buried it. No, not on the back page. They never ran it. They bought her story, shut her up, and sat on the story so it wouldn’t hurt Trump’s chances of being elected president.

David Pecker is the head of the National Enquirer. He’s a good friend of Trump. Trump has said the Enquirer deserves a Pulitzer Prize and that Pecker should be publishing The New York Times. Perhaps the weirdest part of this story is that the character named “Pecker” is not in porno. But, wouldn’t it be awesome if Stormy married Mr. Pecker and became Stormy Pecker? I love a good fairy tale.

Another interesting side note to all of this is that Stormy once considered running for the U.S. Senate in Louisiana. Weirder things have happened. She ultimately chose not to seek the seat, and a weirder thing happened. The sitting Senator, Republican David Vitter, won despite a scandal with prostitutes. Seriously, Republicans. You’re the Christian and family values party. C’mon!

This new normal thing is affecting me too. I was working on my last cartoon when I saw a headline about it on Facebook. I just kept scrolling. I had my TV on cable news and there wasn’t anything being said about Trump, porn stars, hush money, or peckers, and I wasn’t watching Fox. After a few hours I thought about it and went looking for the story. I wanted to see if maybe it wasn’t a big deal.

The Wall Street Journal broke the story, so I went there. They had a paywall. I already have three newspaper subscriptions and I’m not about to buy a fourth, but one of those other should help me out. I went to The Washington Post and I couldn’t find anything on it. I went to The New York Times and finally found a story, which took some scrolling. “President, porn, pecker man” was not the top story. I guess after all the other Trump fuckery we’re lucky the Stormy porn scandal doesn’t involve a pee tape….or does it?

I’m just saddened that Miss Stormy won’t talk about it. I have so many questions. Did the president’s thingy work? Why would she sleep with Donald Trump? Was cocaine involved (we are talking about a porn star and Los Angeles. There had to be coke). How gross and disgusting was it? How long did it last? Did she laugh at it? Was it everything Rubio said it wasn’t? Is there a tape? Was pee involved? Can you mix Viagra with Tic Tacs?

The Trump era will not be complete until Donald Trump tweets about porn. For that to happen we all have to talk about it. For my own amusement, I need to hear Trump sycophants and Christians defend pornography and Donald Trump putting “porn” and shithole” in the news in the same week. I need to hear Tomi Lahren justify this.

Who would have guessed “porn” and “shithole” in the same week Trump got a finger up his ass would all be unrelated?

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

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Stable Genius


cjones01082018

When people think of crooked presidents, they think of Richard Nixon (for now). When they think of philandering presidents, they think of Bill Clinton (who replaced JFK). When they think of insane, mentally unstable, looney toons, mentally deranged, crazy, out-of-his-gourd, off-his-rocker, three-fries-short-of-a-happy-meal, and fucking nutzoid presidents, they’re going to think of Donald Trump.

They won’t think of Donald Trump as insane on the mere fact everyone on the freaking planet thinks he’s mentally unstable, including people who work for him. They’ll think he’s lost his mind because he’s reassuring us he’s mentally stable. In fact, he’s telling us he’s a “stable genius,” that he’s “like a smart person.” If you look at his track record of everything he’s sold us, or assured us (believe me), this too is total and complete horse shit.

It has gone beyond Trump telling us he hasn’t lost his mind and sending surrogates out to tell us there’s enough cheese on his crackers. Even our allies are being asked if he’s nuts.

British Prime Minister Theresa May was asked if Trump was mentally unstable. How often were our allies asked that about Obama, Bush, or Clinton? This is like the question “are you still beating your wife?” Maybe the candidate never even considered smacking his wife around, but once the candidate has to confront the question, that toothpaste isn’t going back in the tube.

It’s bad enough our president is mentally unstable. What compounds the problems are that he’s also stupid, insecure, narcissistic, corrupt, totally uninterested in doing the job he was elected to do, and to top it all off, he’s a grade-A asshole.

A genius would know running a successful reality television show isn’t a qualification for president. Snooki had a reality television show.

We normally compare presidents to presidents. We compare JFK to Lincoln, Reagan to Teddy Roosevelt, and Obama to Jefferson.

We’re comparing Donald Trump to Honey Boo Boo.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

The Best People


cjones01072018

Fire and Fury is the tale of a narcissistic, incompetent, overrated, selfish, self-important human being who thought he was the most privileged and important man in the world before he became the most privileged and important man in the world.

It is also a story of how paid sycophants, who shill daily on the virtues of a moron, really feel about said moron.

I’m on the ninth chapter of Fire and Fury. My review so far is, you don’t have to buy it, even though Trump not wanting you to read it really makes it tempting. The White House has sent cease-and-desist letters to the author, publisher, and even Steve Bannon. In Bannon’s case, they’re claiming he’s lying and violating a non-disclosure agreement. You’re gonna have to figure out the logic for yourself how someone is revealing confidential information with lies.

Sure, all the cool people are reading it and a hard copy is harder to find than a brand-new Harry Potter book. But there’s nothing in it you really don’t already know.

It does provide juicy quotes and revelations, like Steve Bannon’s opinion that Donald Trump Jr. committed treason, but we already knew Don Jr. committed treason.

Maybe we didn’t know Trump watches three TVs at once in his room and lies in bed with cheeseburgers, but we knew the guy watched a lot of TV and eats cheeseburgers.

While we didn’t know Melania has a separate room from Trump, we already knew she doesn’t like him. Who blames her? She avoided moving to Washington for the first six months of the Trump administration. Sure, she didn’t want to change her son’s school, which Donald is not involved with, but all that was very convenient for a “trophy wife” who doesn’t really like being around her husband, rarely knows his location and quite frankly couldn’t care less. When someone like that is out of the house and leaving you alone, you just enjoy it and don’t ask questions. Who is shocked that the third wife of a billionaire who has bragged about cheating on her is really only in it for the money, and doesn’t actually like him? We only have to see Trump on TV and watch our nation get discarded like a Happy Meal container. She has to actually live with him.

While it might be surprising that Trump wanted a lock on his door, there’s no mention of access to Melania’s room, which has probably been allowed a lock along with a stack of furniture barricading the entrance. There’s also no mention if they’ve secretly replaced his Viagra with purple pills shaped like Bam-Bam. But, then again, I’m only on the ninth chapter.

Trump doesn’t know details. This also is not a real revelation after seeing the guy on the campaign trail for nearly two years without once ever discussing a policy detail. It’s also not surprising that the man who told us Uranium is nuclear has a fleeting attention span.

The book tells us that Trump doesn’t read or even skim, and his staff has to develop ways to present him information and to keep his attention. But we already knew Trump is semi-literate. Sure, the guy can read somewhat, but reading at a third-grade level is probably a detriment when you’re the president of the United States. Real creativity will be explaining the nuclear triad in a Curious George book. Did they even lose him during the “I’m just a bill” cartoon?

We didn’t know Ivanka made fun of her father’s ridiculous comb-over or the specifics she gave on the construction and scalp surgery, but nobody has ever been fooled that his hair is ridiculous and covering something up.

Speaking of Ivanka, who thought you filed your 2018 taxes in 2018, is really out of her depth and unqualified, along with Jared, for a job in the White House?

We already knew the White House is in chaos. What the book provides are details on the chaos. And, we already knew this was an unprepared administration whose only agenda is really Trumpism.

Nation first? Patriotism first? Republican Party first? Family first? No, no, no and no. The only agenda for Donald Trump is the promotion of Donald Trump. The presidency is just another division of Trump Enterprises, except this one has the inconvenience of requiring actual work and professionalism, which no one has executed yet.

Trumpism is about feeding Trump’s ego, making him believe he’s the most liked person on the planet and using the government to make money for Trump and to serve his interests, like keeping him out of prison.

Of course, all the Trump people are trying to destroy the book and author’s credibility. It’s hard to say this is just the product of a creative imagination as there’s nothing creative about the insults. “Idiot” is used by nearly every staffer. They’re desperately in need for some Scottish creativity with their insults. There’s not even one “cocksplat” in here.

They say the book is tabloid fodder. They deny quotes or claim they’re out of context or inaccurate. But nobody has validated the overall theme of the book that Trump is a moron more than Trump himself.

Trump’s tweet that he never granted access to the author, Michael Wolff, is the perfect illustration of the president’s stupidity. He never approved of Wolff’s access but failed to notice the guy with a blue White House pass sitting on the couch outside his office for over year. While Trump World believed Wolff was writing a pro-Trump book, the man who claims he’s the best negotiator and will not be taken advantage of by Kim Jong Un, Xi Jinping, or Vladimir Putin, got played by a “tabloid” author.

This is the first presidential administration in American history that had to send surrogates out to tell us the president isn’t stupid, insane, incompetent, and that he can read.

Like I said, knowing Donald Trump is a moron and is incompetent for the job isn’t a revelation to anyone. Of course his critics have known it but so does his staff, his family, his supporters in Congress, your dog, and yes, even the sycophants. The larger issue here is why do so many continue to support him?

Donald Trump has violated and continues every principle of a decent human being. The best quote in Fire and Fury is, “Trump is less a person than a collection of terrible traits.” We can pretend you had the best intentions and honestly wanted to make American great again when you voted for the guy trashing veterans, Gold Star families, women, minorities, and the handicapped. But, wasn’t your belief in the guy squandered on day one when he sent Sean Spicer out to lie to the American public? And if it wasn’t, then why not when he and defended Nazis and endorsed pedophiles?

The only way your principles are not compromised in supporting Donald Trump is if you are a Nazi or a pedophile.

Every Republican in Congress ignoring the election hacking by Russia, and running interference for Trump should go down with him when he’s finally charged with obstruction of justice. What have these people sold their dignity for? Trumpism?

You can be a conservative without supporting Donald Trump unless you believe your politics can’t work without the star power of a racist narcissist with shit for brains.

Trump being an idiot, moron, or a fucking fool is not a revelation. What’s truly a surprise is how stupid you are.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Breaking Hater Hearts


cjones01052018

I have tried to talk to Trump sycophants so I can understand what makes them tick. Why would they sell their soul and dignity for a stupid person like Donald Trump? But I can’t do it anymore. It’s not that I want to sit in my little bubble and only hear my readers agree with me. I actually enjoy hearing people disagree with me. But anytime you challenge a Trump sycophant on policy, they typically respond with a meme. You can’t have an intelligent discussion of ideas with someone who replies with a picture of Willy Wonka calling you a snowflake. It seems you really have to believe in the stupidity coming out of the White House to defend Donald Trump. That is unless you work in the White House.

As it turns out, the people who actually know Trump and are paid to go on TV and sell his bullshit know he’s a certified dumbass.

A new book called Fire and Fury, obviously titled after one of Trump’s threats to North Korea, came out yesterday quoting White House staffers and revealing what they really think of Donald Trump. We probably won’t hear “fire and fury” from Trump anymore. If a book about Trump’s tiny penis comes out called Little Rocket Man, he’ll probably stop using that phrase too.

The book, written by Michael Wolff, reveals that almost everyone in the White House uses about 20 different words to describe Trump as an idiot. It says nobody, including Trump, expected him to win the election, Melania was assured he’d lose (she cried when he won…along with a lot of other people), and the entire campaign thought of losing as winning and it would be a great money-making opportunity.

Wolff does state at the beginning of the book that some material may not be entirely accurate, as some quotes are told through other sources. But, Wolff sat in the White House for months overhearing much of the subject matter, which tells you right there how dumb Trump is for allowing this. Trump thought Wolff was writing a pro-Trump book. Wolff also claims he has hours of tape to validate many of the claims in the book.

The juiciest revelation is that Steve Bannon craps on everybody. Trump has now disowned Bannon and claims he never had direct access to him and had no effect on his campaign. I’m surprised Trump didn’t call Bannon, who once had clearance to sit on the National Security Council, a coffee boy. Trump said that Bannon has “lost his mind,” while not contradicting any of the book’s claims.

Bannon says that the three top guys in the Trump campaign, Trump Jr., Paul Manafort, and Jared Kushner, meeting with Russians in Trump Tower was treasonous and that there’s no way they didn’t take the “jumos” one flight up to meet Trump Sr. There’s still much speculation over the definition of “jumo.”

Other details claim Trump and Melania were arguing on Inauguration Day. Ivanka made fun of her father’s comb-over, and that she and Jared have an agreement she will run for president in the future while Jared (described as an ass kisser) holds her purse.

It claims Rupert Murdoch called Trump a “fucking idiot,” which puts him in a very large club in and out of the White House.

Trump clashed with White House housekeeping. Staff members were told not to touch his belongings, especially his toothbrush. If he leaves a shirt on the floor, the staff is ordered not to touch it. Trump has his own separate bedroom from Melania and sits in bed around 6:00 PM every evening eating cheeseburgers while talking on the phone with friends (who then leak the conversations to the press). Trump requested a lock on his door which the Secret Service denied. He requested two additional televisions to be installed in his room, giving him a total of three, so he could watch TV Elvis style. Remember, Trump claims he doesn’t actually watch that much television despite constantly quoting Fox & Friends through tweets during their program.

Trump eats McDonald’s so often because he’s paranoid someone will poison him. His rationale is that McDonald’s doesn’t know you’re coming and the food is already prepared, so they can’t poison you. If that guy can eat old Big Macs it explains the burned steaks with ketchup. I personally find it impossible to eat a Big Mac older than ten minutes.

Trump’s staff believes him to be semi-literate. This I believe. Wolff writes that Trump doesn’t read and doesn’t even skim articles, briefings, or reports. Former Deputy Chief of Staff Katie Walsh reportedly said working with Trump is “like trying to figure out what a child wants.” If you have ever witnessed Trump reading during a speech, you realize it’s like that slow kid in third grade who slowed down the entire class every time it was his turn to read aloud. Except, that slow kid’s teeth probably didn’t fall out while he was reading.

Sam Nunberg, an early aide to the Trump campaign, recalled explaining the Constitution to Trump and said he could only get as far as the Fourth Amendment before Trump’s finger started “pulling down on his lip and his eyes rolled back in his head.”

My favorite quote in the book supposedly comes from an email sent by Gary Cohn, the director of the National Economic Council, which says, “Trump is less a person than a collection of terrible traits.” Yeah.

The most reported stuff is from Steve Bannon, who allowed himself to be quoted by Wolff.

Bannon believes Don Jr. will be a target for Special Counsel Robert Mueller over money laundering, and said, “they’re going to crack Don Junior like an egg on national TV.” He also goes after Jared and Ivanka and believes Jared will be targeted for money laundering, just like Junior.

Trump’s lawyers have issued a cease and desist to Bannon which is laughable. Bannon may have signed a non-disclosure agreement, but that wouldn’t apply after the campaign. Bannon worked for the American people in the White House, not Donald Trump.

The fun part of this is to see who wins who in the Trump/Bannon divorce. Bannon has already lost a major resource for funding Breitbart (you didn’t actually believe that publication made money on its own merits, did you?).

Nicole Wallace theorized that Trump will win Sean Hannity and Bannon will get Breitbart. I’m thinking deeper. Who gets the Nazis and who gets the pedophiles? Bannon better hire some good lawyers, or he’ll end up with Eric.

Creative notes: Sometimes you have to talk through an idea with another person before it can click in your own head. I was throwing this at my friend Karen and getting her input on famous breakups. The people I kept coming up with were seriously outdated, and she being cooler than I am, threw out names that are so trendy, I have no idea who they are. Who the hell are Blake Shelton and what’s-her-head? See? I already forgot half the couple? Meanwhile, the people I was thinking of were Burt and Loni, Kiefer and Julia, Lenny and Lisa, Madonna and Sean, and David Lee Roth and Van Halen. Crap I’m old.

I was open to using a fictional couple and I liked the idea of using the couple from that teenage-lovesick-vampire movie. I thought it made the cartoon dumber, which to me is funnier, but after Googling for the names I was afraid I wouldn’t be the only one to say “who?” after reading the cartoon. Maybe, if those vampires had broken up this year it would have worked for the cartoon. Plus, I’m not sure if they broke up and got back together to live in eternal vampire happiness.

Karen agreed that Brad and Angelina worked better as everyone knows who they are.

I told my friend this is the living hell my head puts me through on a daily basis. I ask my friends a lot of really stupid questions that make them worry about me.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Fire And Fury


cjones08112017

Today sucked. The Washington Post reported that North Korea can now miniaturize a nuclear warhead, our worst people are on the case, and drawing a fallout shelter stuck a tune from the rock band Fallout Boy in my head. This day was truly terrible.

After the report was published about the DPRK and their nukes, we waited for the president to respond. It’s time to be presidential. He tweeted. He attacked “fake polls” and the “Amazon” Washington Post. Honestly, I think we’re all a little surprised his first response to the North Korea problem wasn’t weighing in on the Chris Pratt/Anna Faris divorce.

Finally, he commented on the North Korea situation and…now we all need bomb shelters. As one of those cartoon gangsters once told Bugs Bunny, “shut up shutting up.” Donald Trump needs to shut up.

We are not to trade rhetorical and bombastic statements with North Korea. There’s no telling what sort of crazy fucker you’re dealing with who issues statements about “fire and fury like the world has never seen,” and that was just from our leader. The North Koreans issued something about us being “wolves trying to strangle them”, which doesn’t even work.

Donald Trump is the last person on the planet who should get into a dick measuring contest. If you challenge North Korea with that sort of threat, there’s a good chance they’re gonna whip it out and you’re gonna see that dick. Nobody wants to see either of these two men’s dicks.

North Korea responded by pointing their dick at Guam. It doesn’t help matters that Trump can’t find Guam on a map.

It was all amusing, fun, and games with Trump content to ruining our health care, education, civil rights, environment, and becoming an international embarrassment. But, now his fuckery is putting lives in danger. Citizens from at least four nations are threatened between two man-babies with nuclear weapons. From the sound of it, both want to see a mushroom cloud in the very near future.

Now is the time when Republicans need to stand up and oppose Donald Trump. We can’t afford to wait for his support to wane from his idiotic base. Why should lives be threatened because stupid people worship a cult of personality? We need leadership now.

A new poll shows seven out of ten people don’t believe anything that’s coming out of the White House. Trump said those are fake polls, but seven out of ten people didn’t buy that. Another poll says a majority of Americans don’t believe Trump can handle North Korea. That’s because he can’t handle North Korea.

We can’t afford another three and a half years of Trump because we can’t afford “fire and fury.”

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.