Deep State

Flat Earth Core

Some scientists are saying the Earth’s core may have stopped spinning, or slowed down, and may even start to go in reverse. In case you’re a Republican, reverse means backward. Republicans know backward.

I’m going to lay some science down on you (yes, this is cut and paste. I don’t know this shit).

The Earth is formed of the crust, the mantle, and the inner and outer cores. The solid inner core is situated about 3,200 miles below the Earth’s crust and is separated from the semi-solid mantle by the liquid outer core, which allows the inner core to rotate at a different speed from the rotation of the Earth itself.

With a radius of almost 2,200 miles, Earth’s core is about the size of the planet Mars (which is about half the size of Earth). The Earth’s core consists mostly of iron and nickel and contains about one-third of Earth’s mass.

Yi Yang, an associate research scientist at Peking University, and Xiaodong Song, Peking University chair professor, studied seismic waves from earthquakes that have passed through the Earth’s inner core along similar paths since the 1960s to infer how fast the inner core is spinning. Wait a minute. Isn’t China where Donald Trump claims global warming was invented?

I watched “The Phantom Menace” again over the weekend (I don’t know why) and Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Jar-Jar took a shortcut in a bongo from Gungan City to Theed, the capital of Naboo, through the planet’s core. I have an issue with this. Sure, it’s science fiction, but I don’t think you can bongo your way from one ocean to another through the core of the planet. The core would be a solid mass, not liquid. At the very least, wouldn’t it be red hot magma as Dr. Evil claimed in those Austin Powers movies?

Anyway, seismic records, which previously changed over time, haven’t shown much change since 2009, when the Black Eye Peas released “My Humps.” I knew that song was bad news. This leads Dr. Yang to believe the core has either stopped or slowed down and makes him ask, “Whatcha gon’ do with all that junk? All that junk? All that junk inside your trunk?”

Back in the 1980s when Bananarama was running wild, the core was spinning just fine. Some scientists believe this is a cycle and the current spinning started in the 1970s back when Terry Jacks was singing “Seasons in the Sun.” But others believe this cycle started even earlier, like when Ray Charles did the “Mess Around.”

The most amazing thing about all of this is that Fox News also reported this story to their viewership of flat earthers. You know, the goons who believe climate change is a socialist plot, face masks don’t work, covid is a hoax, chemtrails, birds aren’t real, vaccines cause death and autism, Donald Trump won the 2020 presidential election, and Fergie’s humps are not nearly as nice as the humps of Kimberly Guilfoyle.

And if the Earth’s core does indeed start to spin backward, then we’re all going to believe that stuff too, which will be great for me because I’m kinda tired of having to research and be accountable for my beliefs. Being an irresponsible right-wing cartoonist would take so much pressure off. And trust me, even the slightest research will educate you that Fergie is much nicer than Kimberly Guilfoyle if even hearing “Let’s get it Started” makes you want to hit yourself upon the head with a tack hammer.

But seriously, I’m going to have so much egg on my face if everything in this cartoon turns out to be true.

Creative note: My CNN editor suggested I do something on this subject but we didn’t go with any of the ideas I sent him on it. I wrote a version of this last Friday but rewrote it this morning (so he never saw this one).

Music note: I listened to a 90s alternative mix.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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From Deep-State to Broke-State

A jury has ordered InfoWars head honcho and MAGA bullshitter Alex Jones to pay nearly $1 billion (that “b” is not a typo, kids) to the families of Sandy Hook for spreading lies that the massacre was staged. One lawyer said this is “probably one of the largest defamation verdicts in U.S. history.”

The families of victims in the attack that killed 20 children and six educators in Newtown, Connecticut said this proves that the truth matters. Jones’ supporters say it’s an attack on free speech.

But does free speech allow you to spread and profit off of lies and terrorist attacks where human beings were murdered? Alex Jones hasn’t just told funny lies like Lady Gaga performing a Satanic ritual during the Superbowl Halftime Show, or that the deep-state government poisoned water that turned all the frogs gay. He’s told lies that the government was responsible for the terrorist attack in Oklahoma City, 9/11, Sandy Hook, and even the Pizzagate bullshit. Defamation isn’t free speech. People should not be telling parents that the government was responsible for their child’s murder.

Jones labeled grieving parents of the Sandy Hook victims “crisis actors” and called the massacre “the fakest thing since the $3 bill.” He doesn’t blame the murderer or the weapon he used.

Why would Jones tell these lies? He said, “They’re clearly using this to go after our guns.” In addition to taking the blame away from guns, he’s also taking it away from White domestic terrorists.

Now Jones has been ordered to pay nearly $1 billion to the families, and punitive damages haven’t even been added. A Texas jury has ordered Jones to pay over $45 million in punitive damages and over $4 million in compensatory damages. Another trial by the parents of another shooting victim is expected to begin this year.

Jones was back in his InfoWars studio while the verdict was read. He pumped his fist in the air and said, “This is hilarious. Do these people actually think they’re getting any money?” He previously called the judge a “tyrant” and the jury a “kangaroo court.” Jones might know how to rake in millions with right-wing racist bullshit, but he’s still a dumbass.

Jones is hiding his wealth and claims he can’t pay. Appeals and bankruptcy may save him. It’ll be a long time before Jones pays if he ever does. But he’s using the verdicts to raise money. One “Christian” site that raises money for right-wing lying racist fucknut assholes has already raised over $185,000 out of a total goal of $500,000.

My prediction is he won’t pay all of it. I think the most families will get will come from asset seizes but I don’t expect much to be there. Jones hides his money and most of it may be out of the country. Jones himself may even flee the country eventually.

Like in the cartoon, Jones is currently begging for money with bullshit conspiracy theories. It’s just unfortunate he’s not doing it on the streets with the rats, though that is fortunate for the rats.

Creative note: This was drawn in a cheap hotel room in West Monroe, Louisiana. I partially grew up here and it’s where my family is from. Both of my parents are from this state. This place hasn’t changed very much. While it’s home, it’s not home anymore. My home is in Virginia. I’ll write more about coming “home” after I leave.

Music note: Since I am back in Louisiana, I listened to some Louisiana’s LeRoux, which I remember listening to on the radio while cruising around with my older brother. I also listened to “On and On” by Stephen Bishop and “Baker Street” by Gerry Rafferty because they always had a New Orleans vibe to me (probably the sax in “Baker Street” that does it, though the street, “Baker,” is actually in London).

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are 19 copies of my book in stock, which go for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 3721, Fredericksburg, VA 22402.

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Tracking Crazy

cjones12232020

Trump troglodytes can’t have it both ways, can they? In their minds, yes.

The Trump cult already says there was mass election fraud and millions of votes for Donald Trump were switched to Joe Biden…but the votes for other Republicans are valid. Ignore that Trump and down-ballot Republican candidates were on the same ballots. For their argument to work, you have to believe the voting machines fucked with the Trump votes but left the other Republican votes alone.

They said they wouldn’t recognize President Obama and did everything they could to obstruct him. They even said he wasn’t eligible for president because he was born in Kenya. After Trump was elected, they said, “Get over it.”

When President Obama made executive orders, they claimed he was acting like a monarch. When Trump did it, it was the best thing ever and owning the libs.

For decades, they screamed about family values and said Bill Clinton wasn’t qualified to be president because of his conduct with women. When Donald Trump said, “Grab them by the pussy,” well that’s just Trump being Trump.

When Obama was president, they claimed he didn’t love America and was allowing Russia to run over us. When Trump gave national security intel to Putin and refused to ever criticize him, they said, “So what?”.

When Obama was president, they claimed he was on an “apology tour” which was insulting and blaming the United States. When told that Putin had journalists murdered and Trump said, “So? You think we’re so nice?” His supporters just didn’t care.

Republicans claimed that President Obama would refuse to leave the White House or give up power. Why, he might actually enact martial law to remain president. Today, they’re screaming to Trump to declare martial law and steal the election.

With the coronavirus, Trump has taken credit for every success while blaming states for death rates. Donald Trump is taking credit for the vaccine being here but ignoring the massive problems with distribution.

And now, the MAGAts are saying we should praise Donald Trump for the vaccine. It wouldn’t have been possible so quickly without him. And many of them saying that are also saying they won’t take the vaccine. Why? Because the deep state will use it to plant a microchip tracking device inside them. Fucknut propagandist Ben Garrison has stated as much in his cartoons…while praising Trump for the vaccine. He also draws Trump with muscles.

Here’s a fun fact: There are tracking devices with the vaccine…on the vials. That’s probably more than the fucknuts needed to begin spreading conspiracy theories. The tracking devices on the vials is for stuff like making sure the vaccine has not expired. The chip has to be scanned for anyone to read the data. The chip is NOT in the syringe. The chip wouldn’t fit inside the syringe and if it did, it wouldn’t work. To track you, someone would have to follow you around with a scanner. So I don’t think you have anything to worry about unless strangers start walking up to you and try to scan your ass.

Actually, that might be fun. Let’s go to MAGA rallies and just start scanning people and watch them freak out. If they get too upset, we’ll just tell them it’s beeping because it’s a gaydar.

Does your dog have a chip? The chip to track your Fluffy doesn’t really track Fluffy. It’s a backup identification system in case your pet is found. It, too, has to be scanned. It’s not a GPS device. Do you honestly believe the government could manage an intricate computer/GPS system tracking every American? That would be some serious deep-state shit there.

But there is a video on Facebook that’s probably been viewed over 300,000 times at this point, claiming the vaccine contains a tracking device. Qanon type people believe this kind of stuff.

I wish there was a tracking device in MAGAts and there was a website for the general public showing where they are. We could use it like we use the internet to locate them. They’re all at Parler so hey, let’s not go to Parler.

Why would anyone want to track MAGAts? The only reason to know where Trump supporters are is so we don’t go there.

Notes on signed prints: Order now if you want to send a print of one my cartoons, signed by me, to a loved one…or even better yet, to a conservative family member who you probably don’t love anymore. They’ll never forget it. The signed prints are just $40.00 each. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal and want to snail mail it, email me (clayjonz@gmail.com) so we can make sure your print gets to its recipient in time. I can mail the prints directly to you or to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have an order of 20 copies of my book (14 are left to purchase) on the way, which I’ll be selling for $45.00 each, signed. Unfortunately, they’re not going to arrive until AFTER Christmas. Don’t yell at me. But you can purchase now, give later, and blame the cartoonist. Tell them I had covid. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi.

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Deep-State Voter Fraud

cjones11212020

What’s dumber than believing Donald Trump won the election or that there’s a deep-state cabal of Satan-worshipping cannibalistic lizard people running the government? Believing you can trust Donald Trump to work out a fair payment AFTER you perform a service for him.

Donald Trump has been sued numerous times by contractors for refusing to pay the price he agreed to in a contract. He’s even been sued by the lawyers who represented him in these disputes for non payments. So now Rudy Giuliani is publicly embarrassing himself for a price to be determined later.

Rudy is Trump’s lead legal fucknut in trying to steal the election from Joe Biden. In doing so, he has to present a case of total bullshit and conspiracy theories. Yesterday, Rudy argued a case in Pennsylvania and told the judge he wasn’t accusing anyone of voter fraud…and then blamed it all on voter fraud. He must have thought he was on Hannity.

There are reports that Rudy is charging $20,000 a day to represent Donald Trump in this attempt to steal the election. Rudy says those reports are lies…and you know how we can always trust Rudy to tell the truth. Rudy says they’ll work out a price after they’re done stealing the election and Donald Trump begins his second term.

Is Donald Trump stupid? Yes, he is, but he’s not dumb enough to pay Rudy $20,000 a day of his own money. His supporters are paying Rudy.

There’s only one thing dumber than voting for Donald Trump and that’s giving money to elect Donald Trump. His grifting is on public record. He publicly cried for an international summit to be given to one of his shitty golf resorts. A court has barred him and three of his shitty kids from participating with any charitable organizations in New York state because he stole from his own charity. Most people would go to prison for something like that. As president (sic), Donald Trump has directed millions of dollars of taxpayer money into his businesses. On top of all that, his campaign conducts events at his resorts where the Trump Campaign pays a fee to Donald Trump.

Giving money to support Donald Trump is like buying a new watch for the guy who stole your watch. So if you’re still giving money to the Trump Campaign, you’re giving it to Donald Trump. And if you’re dumb enough to give Trump money…are you dumb enough to believe a second Trump term will be saved by Rudy Giuliani, the guy who got scammed by Borat?

Part of this entire bullshit propaganda of Trump really winning the election and having it stolen by Democrats is to steal the election from Joe Biden. Another reason is to destroy faith in the government that takes over in January and make Joe Biden fail. But perhaps the greatest reason for this scam is that the Trump Campaign is still raising money for it.

But this time, it’s not going to a legal fight as much as it’s paying off campaign debt…and going into Donald Trump’s pockets. Maybe Trump will put the cash into his secret Chinese bank account or maybe he’ll put it towards the $500 million or so he owes to shady mystery creditors (probably Russians). Or maybe he’ll band use to pay off a real lawyer to help Rudy out the next time he tries to lure a teenage girl into a Manhattan hotel room supposedly for drinks while his hand is down his pants.

What’s almost just as crazy as believing Donald Trump will pay you later…or that Rudy Giuliani should lead your legal defense, is believing the election was stolen from Donald Trump.

70% of Republicans believe Donald Trump won the election and it’s being stolen by Democrats. And just like they didn’t have proof when a majority believed President Obama was born in Kenya, they don’t have any proof of massive voter fraud.

But hey, Republicans don’t need proof for bullshit. Ask Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones, or Donald Trump. And now with members of Qanon actually being elected to the United States Congress, anything goes.

Republicans don’t have any relationship with the truth. At this time, only four Republican senators have accepted that Joe Biden has won the election. Two Republicans senators are screaming for the secretary of state of Georgia to resign because he counted more votes for Biden than for Trump. Another senator has called the same secretary of state suggesting he throw out votes for Biden. You know, votes cast by black people.

Republicans don’t have integrity, don’t care about democracy, and don’t care about the truth. Don’t believe me? Let’s go grab dinner at Comet Pizza and ask them about it. Actually, I’m joking. I’d never have dinner with a Republican. I can’t eat while looking at you people.

Here’s a fact: Donald Trump will not be president after noon on January 20, 2021. Why? Because of the fact Joe Biden beat his ass in the presidential election. Donald Trump lost the election fair and square and there’s not enough Rudy bullshit in the world to change that fact.

Here’s an unfortunate fact: All these idiots who would rather believe in conspiracy theories about voter fraud, lizard people, devil worshippers, or Democratic pedophilic pizza makers, will still be around after Donald Trump is gone.

Another fun fact: Fuck COVID. I’m not going anywhere either.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. And since someone asked this morning, yes. You can still get a signed print for $40.

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JackBooted Portlandia

cjones07232020

Leave it to the people who scream about the “Deep State” to send in unidentified jack-booted thugs to round up, beat up, and teargas people protesting against the government.

The Trump administration has sent unidentified federal officers into Portland supposedly to protect federal property. Apparently, that means going in wearing badges that don’t identify any federal agency and throwing people into unmarked vans.

Now, the government says these federal goons were dispatched by the Department of Homeland Security from the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement and U.S. Customs and Border Protection. No, you’re not slow to the news on this. Border Patrol has fuck all to do with people protesting police violence and systemic racism against black people.

Christopher David, a Portland resident and a graduate of the U.S. Naval Academy and former member of the Navy’s Civil Engineer Corps, said he wanted to know what the officers involved thought of the oath they had sworn to protect and defend the Constitution. So he walked up to officers who were using their batons to bash protesters and he asked, “Why are you not honoring your oath? Why are you not honoring your oath to the Constitution?”

Their answer was, to turn and beat David with their batons and break his hand. It was caught on film just like the apprehension of unarmed protesters being thrown into unmarked vans was caught.

Ken Cuccinelli, the Assistant Director of Gaslighting for Homeland Security, argued this morning on CNN that police used unmarked vehicles all the time. Cuccinelli, the former Attorney General of Virginia and longtime hater of brown people, missed the part of his statement that included “police.” These jackbooted goons in Portland are not cops.

The thing is, kids, these goons are not supposed to be there. In fact, it’s illegal for them to be there. The U.S. military is not supposed to be used against citizens of the United States. And they are only supposed to be brought in for protective purposes when they are requested by the local government. Nobody has requested the services of these assholes. Federal officers are NOT police and they’re NOT to be used as such. They aren’t usually trained on how to police. Policing is NOT their job. Ken Cuccinelli is gaslighting. Take it from a Virginian who’s observed him for several years, the guy has a long history of lying.

We also ask: Why is Border Patrol engaging in riot control when they are not trained in such manners? Border Patrol’s specialties are throwing babies in cages and destroying canisters of water left in the desert for immigrants so they don’t die. And, why was Portland selected for this special treatment by Trump’s SS? Is it because it’s so liberally weird? Is Portland to be an example? Maybe Trump hates hipster beards. Is Brooklyn next?

Christopher David asked these goons, “Why are you not honoring your oath?” But did they ever take an oath?

Cuccinelli says they’re from Homeland Security…but are they really? How do we know? The reason we have to ask after asking is that these are unidentified goons and the Trump administration lies. They’re lying over a situation that’s illegal. And again, you can’t trust Ken Cuccinelli on ANYTHING. Trust me on this, he’s as slimy of a shitweasel as anyone else in the Trump administration. He’s up there on the Stephen Miller level. Keep your eye on him. He used his position as state Attorney General to fight immigration, abortion, Obamacare, and even went after the University of Virginia for a study on climate change. He spent millions of state dollars on partisan issues.

Democrats in the House of Representatives plan to investigate this. They sent a letter to Homeland Security stating they plan to investigate “into the use of federal law enforcement agencies by the attorney general and the acting secretary of homeland security to suppress first amendment protected activities in Washington DC, Portland and other communities across the United States.”

Ted Wheeler, the Mayor of Portland said federal officers “are not wanted here. We haven’t asked them here. In fact, we want them to leave.” He said the two months of protests since the cop murder of George Floyd have been made worse by the federal presence.

Acting-Homeland Security Secretary Chad Wolf blasted the protesters as “lawless anarchists.” He’s “acting” so he can have the job without approval by the Senate. Donald Trump tweeted, “We are trying to help Portland, not hurt it. Their leadership has, for months, lost control of the anarchists and agitators. They are missing in action. We must protect Federal property, AND OUR PEOPLE. These were not merely protesters, these are the real deal!”

As you read that tweet, keep in mind, Donald Trump said the cognitive test was hard.

Ken Cuccinelli says more of these Deep State Secret Police goons will be sent to other U.S. cities without being requested. This is why we have to get rid of Donald Trump in November. This violates the U.S. Constitution. It’s lawless. What will Donald Trump try to get away with if he never has to worry about another election ever again? Whose skulls will get cracked next? Will there be teargas on election day? How about during the inauguration?

Donald Trump and his goons spread conspiracy theories about the Deep State. The fact is, they are the Deep State. And the longer Trump stays, the deeper the shit gets.

Creative note: You may have already known this but I learned last night, from proofreader Laura, the quote, “We don’t need no stinkin’ badges” did NOT originate from the Mel Brooks’ film Blazing Saddles. Ten points if you can name the film or novel.

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New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

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Tinfoil Foiled

cjones12122019

The tinfoil hat club got foiled. They got hoisted on their own petard, not that any of them knows what “hoisted” means or what a “petard” is.

Since he “won” the election, Trump has been screaming that the Russia investigation was a huge hoax, never should have happened, a coup attempt, illegal, an attempt to overthrow the government, and an act of the deep state. He claimed Obama wiretapped Trump Tower. He appointed an Attorney General, William Barr, who would champion his conspiracy theories. Barr even said he believed there was spying in the Trump campaign. There was, but it wasn’t from an American agency. But they don’t want to talk about that because they invited that spying.

Do you remember before the Mueller Report came out how Republicans kept saying that we need to accept the findings if it proved Trump innocent? Well, it didn’t prove him innocent, but that’s not the point I’m making. William Barr appointed the Justice Department’s Inspector General to investigate the investigation that investigated the Trump campaign colluding with Russia. Now that the investigation is complete, Trump supporters don’t want to accept the findings. Even Barr, who made this investigation happen, doesn’t want to accept the findings.

Fox News’ Laura Ingraham, Tucker Carlson, and Sean Hannity all hailed that the report proved them right all along which proves they don’t actually read anything. William Barr released a statement saying, “The inspector general’s report now makes clear that the FBI launched an intrusive investigation of a U.S. presidential campaign on the thinnest of suspicions that, in my view, were insufficient to justify the steps taken.” Uh, no it didn’t.

Barr also said, “FBI officials misled the FISA court, omitted critical exculpatory facts from their filings, and suppressed or ignored information negating the reliability of their principal source.” Actually, that sounds like what Barr did when he presented a summary of the Mueller Report.

Donald Trump said the findings are “far worse than I ever thought possible,” which means he only read Barr’s statement.

What the IG report did was debunk their conspiracy theories. Other than discovering Ivanka Trump and Christopher Steele, who wrote the infamous dossier that mentions a pee tape and whom Trump and his cult have been attacking for years, had a friendship that was described as “personal,” we didn’t really learn anything from the report. And before I get too distracted, “bow-chicka-wow-wow?”

The report stated the Steele Dossier didn’t play a role in opening the investigation. While the report found faults in some warrant requests that used information from the Steele Dossier, the FBI started the investigation based on a tip it received days before about a Trump campaign adviser, George Papadopoulos, from a foreign ally, Australia. If you’re not wearing tinfoil on your head, you already knew this.

What is true is that our ally, Australia, was more concerned about protecting our national security from an attack from Russia than Donald Trump or his idiot son, Donald Trump Jr., was. While Australia was telling the FBI that Russians were spying on the Clinton campaign and giving the material to the Trump team, Don Jr. was inviting Russians into the campaign headquarters. If you haven’t been drinking the Trump cult Kool-Aid, you already knew this.

Trump and his cult have repeatedly attacked Lisa Page, a former FBI lawyer, and Peter Strzok, a former top FBI agent, who were both removed from the Russia investigation after text messages uncovered between the two showed “hostility” toward Trump during his candidacy. But, Page didn’t have any role in opening the investigation and Strzok was not the man in charge of it. Deep-state conspiracy theory foiled. No political bias was used in the investigation. If you don’t have your head buried up Trump’s ass, you already knew this.

The report didn’t mention Obama wiretapping Trump Tower which is a claim Trump made shortly after he assumed office, but never corroborated. It was a Trump lie. Another detail that foils the tinfoil hat club is there was only one member of the Trump campaign the FBI was wiretapping. That was Carter Page. They didn’t even request warrants on George Papadopoulos, campaign chairman Paul Manafort or Michael Flynn, who all had connections to Russia. If you’re not a Fox News viewer, you already knew this.

The FBI did not plant spies in the Trump Campaign. What the report found is there were members of the campaign who sent information to the FBI, but none of that affected the investigation because all that information was all over the internet.

When Russia attacks our election, we need to investigate it. What we shouldn’t do is attack the investigators. What we shouldn’t do is defend Russia. Donald Trump, William Barr, the idiots at Fox News, and your idiot tinfoil-hat-wearing, attic-dwelling uncle whom you hate having over for Thanksgiving have spent the past three years defending Russia and putting Putin before America.

William Barr didn’t have the Inspector General investigate the investigation to produce facts. He created it to support Trump’s conspiracy theories. If you read Barr’s statements on the IG report, you’ll see he’s only talking to Donald Trump. He’s ignoring a report he demanded from his own department.

There is not a deep state. What we can take solace from is that there are still honest and ethical people in the government who will defy the cult members Trump has appointed.

There is not a deep state. There are no chemtrails. Obama did not bug Trump Tower. Uranium One has been debunked. The Clintons didn’t kill Jeffrey Epstein. There weren’t millions of illegal voters. Obama was born in the United States. Hillary Clinton didn’t run a child-sex-slave ring in a Washington pizza joint. It was Russia, not Ukraine, that meddled in the 2016 election. There are no lizard people.

What we do know from the report is that Donald Trump and William Barr are liars who will use government resources to rig the system. But, if you don’t watch Fox News, drink the Trump cult Kool-Aid, wear a tinfoil hat, or have your head buried up Trump’s ass, you already knew that.

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You can help me continue to create cartoons, blogs, and videos by making a contribution. All support, large and small, is greatly appreciated. You can also support me by purchasing a signed print (8 1/2×11) for $40, or a signed poster (18×24) for $100 by clicking the PayPal button (just include a note if you’re purchasing a print). If you want to support but don’t want to use PayPal, you can send a contribution through the mail (address is on the contact page. Again, include a note for a print). I don’t plan on going anywhere and your support will help guarantee that. Whether you support, can’t. or just choose not to, please know that I am truly thankful that you visit my site and read my work.

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New Book: Tales From The Trumpster Fire

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Oompa Loompa Deep State

cjones09212019

For God’s sake, what is it now?

Trump is orange. He’s been orange for a very long time. There have been multiple articles about his orangeness with various theories offered to explain why his face looks like a baboon’s ass. The number of scholars who have offered opinions to explain the phenomenon of his hue is only rivaled by those trying to figure out just what the hell that is sitting on his head. Is it a toupe, ridiculous combover, truffle, or an unfortunate beaver who spent his entire life beaver sinning and his punishment in death is to sit bleached on top of Trump’s head?

Trump’s orange skin is doesn’t get much attention from media pundits, but it does inspire some of the nicknames he’s acquired over the past few years. Right now you’re thinking, a dignified and mature journalist would never post a list of hostile and petty nicknames for Donald Trump based upon his skin tone.

So here they are: Agent Orange, Angry Creamsicle, Boiled Ham in a Wig, Bribe of Chuck, Butternut Squash, Cheddar Boy, Cheeto Benito, Cheeto Mussolini, Cheeto Fuhrer, Cheeto Jesus, Cheeto-Dusted Bloviator, Cheeto-in-Chief, Cheez Doodle, Cheez Wiz, Cinnamon Hitler, Cheeto Christ Stupid Czar, Comrade Cheetolino, Corn Husk Doll Cursed by a Witch, Decomposing Jack O’ Lantern, Dehydrated Orange Peel, Fascist Loofa-Faced Shit-Gibbon, Fuckface von Clownstick, Gossamer-Skinned Bully, John Boehner’s Tanning Partner in Crime, Killer Klown from Outer Space, King of the Oompa Loompas, Orange Anus, Orange Back Gorilla, Pile of Old Garbage Covered in Vodka Sauce, Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo, Sack of Gilded Lunchmeat, Screaming Carrot Demon, Tan Dump Lord, Tangerine Tornado, Tangerine-Tinted Trash-Can Fire, The Human Corncob, Xenophobic Sweet Potato, The Angry Cheeto, Captain Crunch, Deeply Disturbed Fuzzy Orange Goofball, Don of Orange, Great Orange Hairball of Fear, The Human Tanning Bed Warning Label, Last of the Mango Mohawkans, Orange Bozo, Orange Caligula, Orange Clown, Orange-Hued Self-Immolator, Orange Man, The Orange Messiah, Orange Moron, Orange Omen of Doom, Orange Toilet Bowl Crud Brought to Life as a Genital-Grabbing Golem, Orange-Tufted Imbecile Intent on Armageddon, Orange-Tufted Asshole, OranguTAN, President Goldman Sucks, Pudgy McTrumpcake, Putin’s Papaya-Flavored Pawn, Queer Orangutan, The Talking Yam, Thin-Skinned Orange Peel, Orange Dildo, and Orange-Flavored Shitgibbon.

Why is his skin orange? So, so very orange. Is it a spray tan? Does he use a tanning bed? Is it all clown makeup? Is it an allergic reaction to Adderall? Are tanning goggles the explanation as to why he has the reverse-raccoon look happening? His sycophants in the White House tried to explain that he’s so orange because of good genes. No. An orange is orange because of good genes. Trump has boasted about his genes in the past, comparing himself to a racehorse. If Trump was a racehorse, he’d either be glue or dog food by now. Also, that’d be one orange, racist racehorse.

But finally, we have an explanation and with it, Trump’s admittance that he “looks” orange. He didn’t admit he is orange.

Because Republicans don’t have enough shit to get upset over, they often make stuff up or recycle past outrages. Several years ago, they were upset that the government put restrictions on light bulbs. The new light bulbs are more expensive, but better for the environment and last longer. A lot longer. They’re really better light bulbs. Conservatives got upset for a while until new fake outrages came along, like Obama put mustard on a burger, and then at some point, they realized the new energy-efficient light bulbs are actually better than the old incandescent bulbs, so they shut up about it. But now, Donald Trump has brought the old gripe back.

The Trump administration is easing restrictions on the old, nasty, wasteful incandescent bulbs, which is just shy better than lighting your home with a burning garbage can in the living room. I thought it was just another move to erase Obama’s legacy, but as it turns out, it’s even more personal than that.

While speaking to Republican House members in Baltimore Thursday, Trump said, “The bulb that we’re being forced to use – No. 1, to me, most importantly, the light’s no good. I always look orange. And so do you.” No, I don’t look orange. In fact, I don’t think any of us looks orange. Even Trump’s kid’s, they might look like entitled trust-fund baby assholes, but they don’t look orange. But hey, Trump has admitted he “looks” orange. The next step is for him to admit he IS orange.

This may not be Trump lying as much as it’s him refusing to accept reality. He lies about his weight and height, but he honestly may not realize just how ridiculous he looks. He may not see it in mirrors, but I’m sure he notices in pictures. He’s decided the explanation is that LED light bulbs are to blame. He’s already made an admiral doctor lie about his weight and height so the next step will be convincing government scientists that liberal light bulbs make him look orange. It’ll be Sharpiegate all over again.

The truth is, the light bulbs don’t make Trump look orange. He looks orange when he’s outside, whether it’s overcast, raining, or sunny. And there’s also the fact he’s been orange for at least two decades. If it’s his “good genes” that are making him orange, they didn’t kick in until the year 2000.

Trump is a ridiculous human being. And even though it sounds petty, I wouldn’t have voted for him based on his hair alone. Anyone who willfully makes himself look like shouldn’t be trusted to select a cable provider less enough possess codes to nuclear weapons.

Trump makes himself orange. Light bulbs don’t make him orange anymore than they make him a narcissistic racist. And before he tries, no. Paper straws aren’t the reason he sucks.

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Stupidgate

cjones05302018

Usually, when a president, or any politician, argues for or defends a position, they use details of the subject. They will use facts while also omitting details that hurt their argument. Sometimes they’ll even lie. Every politician lies. What Donald Trump does with lies isn’t just different, it’s dangerous.

Trump does not argue details or cite evidence or facts. He vilifies. For example, James Comey is a proven liar, leaker and Trump has done us a “great service” by firing him. There’s no evidence Comey lied about anything. There’s no evidence he leaked, but the narrative used by Trump and his sycophants is that Comey is a bad actor. It gets worse.

Trump will engage in conspiracy theories that are so bizarre they should make your tinfoil-wearing, attic-dwelling uncle say, “That crap is cray-cray.” Trump’s political ambitions began with the lie that Obama was not born in the United States. There has never been one ounce of evidence to support this claim, yet Trump harnessed it and rode it to his presidential announcement.

After Trump won the presidency, he claimed Obama wiretapped his phones. Of course, that’s not true, and he made the charge without any evidence. Today, he’s claiming there’s a “deep state” that was designed to prevent him from winning the presidency, and it still exists today in our government trying to bring him down. Never mind the fact that he is the government now and the heads of “deep state” are his appointees.

Trump claims the FBI, under orders from President Obama, planted a spy into his campaign to cost him the election and has even co-opted the term “Spygate.” Trump is so stupid and unoriginal that he had to steal the name “Spygate” from other controversies. A professor in Britain reached out to three Trump team members, Carter Page, George Papadopoulos, and Sam Clovis to inquire about their connections to Russia, and he reported his findings to the FBI. If the FBI was trying to derail the Trump campaign, they did a horrible job of it by making announcements they were investigating Hillary Clinton. They never made an announcement about investigating Trump.

American intelligence received warnings from officials in Britain and Australia about Russians attempting to meddle in the Trump campaign. They received no warnings from the Trump campaign itself. Trump’s team was eager and ready to receive cooperation from Russian agents to win the election.

When Trump screams “Spygate,” he’s deflecting from the fact that he hired Russian spies, he allowed them into his campaign headquarters, and that he even shouted on television asking Vladimir Putin to help him win the presidency. Trump says “Spygate” could be the biggest political scandal in history and everybody in the media is using the term. No and no. This so-called “Spygate” is totally made up from Trump’s feeble imagination and nobody in the media was using the term before Trump, unless they were talking about the New England Patriots spying on the New York Jets.

This is where it goes from being stupid, bizarre, slightly amusing to dangerous. People are listening and believing him.

A recent poll finds that 59% of Americans don’t believe Special Counsel Robert Mueller has uncovered any crimes, despite the fact, the investigation has issues 17 criminal indictments, five guilty pleas and has sent one person to prison. This is from the Goebbels playbook. If you repeat a lie enough people will start believing it, especially those who want to believe. Trump could tweet that the FBI has installed alien lizard people coordinated by Elvis to spy on him and his sycophants will believe it. This has created pressure on those in Washington who are attempting to remain adults.

The Justice Department caved into Trump’s demands faster than a room full of NFL owners to look into “Spygate” and Republicans have been pressuring them to reveal the identity of informants. What they really want to know is what do the DOJ and FBI have on Trump. Yesterday, the DOJ held a meeting with the Gang of Eight, the leaders of Congress from both parties to show them what they had concerning “Spygate.” They actually held two meetings, the first with Republicans Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes (who has used his position to deliver evidence to the White House), Trey Gowdy (because after holding numerous Benghazi hearings, he’s really good with the conspiracy crap), and Democrat Adam Schiff. They attempted to prevent any Democrats from attending these meetings. At the second meeting, Trump’s Chief of Staff John Kelly and White House lawyer Emmett Flood were allowed to attend. Kelly and Flood had no business attending that meeting other than gaining material for Trump’s defense. Their presence should not have been allowed.

Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and boasted that the Republicans would provide information from the meetings to Trump’s legal team, which proved what this is really all about. This is not draining the swamp. It’s a BYOB swamp party. Bring Your Own Bullshit.

Trump is attempting to use the DOJ as his own personal protection service. Earlier in the day, he said people who want to kneel during the national anthem should leave the country. Trump has also said that our nation having “thousands of judges” to hear immigration cases is a disgrace, and we should dispense with the trials. Trump is using the strategies implemented by authoritarians on their way to becoming dictators, and that is using lies to dispense with democratic institutions. Checks and balances and separation of power will be rid of like the use of facts.

Facts are still important even though Trump and his followers have no use for them and argue for “alternative facts,” conspiracy theories, and confirmation bias. People who get most of their information from Trump’s Twitter feed and Russian troll farms will tell you that we can’t trust The New York Times and The Washington Post.

“Many people” have said Russiagate is like Watergate, but with stupid people. There is no Spygate. There is only Stupidgate. And it may be the biggest political scandal in American history.

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Pod People

cjones01262018

There are a lot of things I don’t get. Some things are just so out of reach for me that I’m not even going to try to understand. Like, an old man wouldn’t try to understand Kajagoogoo in the 1980s. I would have gone for a more relative reference, but I’m too old for current crappy musical trends.

Take planking for instance. This was a thing a few years ago and I never understood it, and I might have tried for ten seconds to figure it out before I moved on with my life. What’s planking? I’m not sure I understand it enough to even give a description, but here goes.

Basically, it’s laying still, very stiffly, in strange places, like hanging between two tables…or in traffic. Yes, people did this. It seemed like a great way to combine laziness and danger into one useless activity. If you can describe it better, then please, post it in the comments.

There’s a new stupid thing you’ve probably heard about. It’s called the “Tide Pod Challenge.” Before we get to the challenge, there may be a few of you who don’t even know what a Tide Pod is. OK, guys, it’s laundry detergent. It’s in a plastic-like wrapper that you, or people who actually do laundry, throw in with their dirty clothes instead of pouring liquid detergent into the machine. The wrapper apparently vanishes, just like Republican dignity. I like them. I don’t use the Tide ones as I found some Gain “Flings” on sale.

The Tide Pod Challenge is kinda like the Ice Bucket Challenge of a few years ago, except where that challenge was raising money for charity, this challenge is exclusive to stupid people. They are eating the pods. Yes. You heard that correctly. People are eating laundry detergent. They are kinda cute and nifty looking. Appetizing? I don’t think so.

While your mother may not have killed you by washing your mouth out with soap when you said “fudge” as a kid (the Queen Elizabeth of all dirty words), eating laundry detergent can kill you, or at the very least, mess you up seriously. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. It just doesn’t make any sort of sense to me at all. But, it does make more sense than Republicans who deflect for Donald Trump.

People, like Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones, Donald Trump, and several Republican members of Congress are going on about a “secret society” within the FBI. Previously, the conspiracy theorists were going on about the “deep state.” This is Tide-Pod-Challenge stupid, which still isn’t as dumb as the conspiracies Trump believes in.

The GOP in Congress has been way more concerned with deflecting from investigations into his campaign’s collusion with Russia and his obstruction of justice than with defending our nation or finding the truth. Do you remember when Republicans were all about defending our nation from Russians and supporting law enforcement?

Donald Trump fired the Director of the FBI after he refused to pledge his loyalty to him and drop the agency’s investigation into Michael Flynn. He asked the acting-Director who he voted for. He’s asked other people in intelligence agencies to kill investigations into him and his surrogates. According to news today, Trump asked James Comey to drop the investigation into Flynn the day after he learned Flynn lied to the FBI.

Trump is trying to purge the FBI and create it into his own personal protection agency. He’s complained about Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ decision to recuse himself from overseeing the Special Counsel and has said he wouldn’t have appointed him if he knew beforehand that he would do that. His idea of draining the swamp is to turn the Justice Department into an agency that protects him and defends his corruption.

This does not concern Republicans at all. What does concern them is a make-believe society within the government trying to overthrow the president. They are basing this belief on the texts between two FBI agents who disliked Trump. One of them joked in a text about having a meeting of their “secret society.” The GOP probably also believes there’s a double-secret probation.

A lot of these text messages have vanished and the blame is being placed upon Samsung. Samsung is defending itself, but as an owner of several Samsung products…yeah. Your Samsung device can make shit disappear without any warning. I have had texts delete between me and a contact as new texts are written on a Samsung Galaxy. And, Fifty music demos, Samsung. FIFTY!!!!

Trump has tweeted about the missing text messages. Why doesn’t he just ask Russia to find them?

The GOP is now waging a campaign about releasing the FISA Memo. What new absurd nonsense is this shit? Republicans are upset that FBI agents used details from the Christopher Steele dossier (paid for by Democrats) as part of their argument to obtain a FISA warrant. The problem with this is, so what? Law enforcement will use anything to get a warrant. The information to get a warrant is usually accusations. It doesn’t mean anything. You use the information to convince a judge that a warrant is warranted.

The Republicans are shouting for a memo written about the FISA warrant to be released. Who wrote this memo? Republicans. Who won’t release it? Republicans. The Republicans who have seen it won’t even let other Republicans see it while screaming about how the public can’t see it. That eating Tide Pods thing is looking less and less like the dumbest new thing this week.

It was written by Devin Nunes, who is chairing the House’s investigation into the Russian Collusion thing. Nunes has made a habit of running to the White House every time he gets information on the case. Now, he’s written this memo that will supposedly destroy the FBI’s case. It’s being championed by such stalwarts of jurisprudence as Trey Gowdy and Bob Goodlatte. Forgive me if my expectations on this memo becoming anything more than another Republican distraction and talking point are low.

Believing Republican bullshit is dumber than eating Tide Pods, and will cause greater brain damage.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude