Deep State

Oompa Loompa Deep State


cjones09212019

For God’s sake, what is it now?

Trump is orange. He’s been orange for a very long time. There have been multiple articles about his orangeness with various theories offered to explain why his face looks like a baboon’s ass. The number of scholars who have offered opinions to explain the phenomenon of his hue is only rivaled by those trying to figure out just what the hell that is sitting on his head. Is it a toupe, ridiculous combover, truffle, or an unfortunate beaver who spent his entire life beaver sinning and his punishment in death is to sit bleached on top of Trump’s head?

Trump’s orange skin is doesn’t get much attention from media pundits, but it does inspire some of the nicknames he’s acquired over the past few years. Right now you’re thinking, a dignified and mature journalist would never post a list of hostile and petty nicknames for Donald Trump based upon his skin tone.

So here they are: Agent Orange, Angry Creamsicle, Boiled Ham in a Wig, Bribe of Chuck, Butternut Squash, Cheddar Boy, Cheeto Benito, Cheeto Mussolini, Cheeto Fuhrer, Cheeto Jesus, Cheeto-Dusted Bloviator, Cheeto-in-Chief, Cheez Doodle, Cheez Wiz, Cinnamon Hitler, Cheeto Christ Stupid Czar, Comrade Cheetolino, Corn Husk Doll Cursed by a Witch, Decomposing Jack O’ Lantern, Dehydrated Orange Peel, Fascist Loofa-Faced Shit-Gibbon, Fuckface von Clownstick, Gossamer-Skinned Bully, John Boehner’s Tanning Partner in Crime, Killer Klown from Outer Space, King of the Oompa Loompas, Orange Anus, Orange Back Gorilla, Pile of Old Garbage Covered in Vodka Sauce, Ronald McDonald Trump-Bozo, Sack of Gilded Lunchmeat, Screaming Carrot Demon, Tan Dump Lord, Tangerine Tornado, Tangerine-Tinted Trash-Can Fire, The Human Corncob, Xenophobic Sweet Potato, The Angry Cheeto, Captain Crunch, Deeply Disturbed Fuzzy Orange Goofball, Don of Orange, Great Orange Hairball of Fear, The Human Tanning Bed Warning Label, Last of the Mango Mohawkans, Orange Bozo, Orange Caligula, Orange Clown, Orange-Hued Self-Immolator, Orange Man, The Orange Messiah, Orange Moron, Orange Omen of Doom, Orange Toilet Bowl Crud Brought to Life as a Genital-Grabbing Golem, Orange-Tufted Imbecile Intent on Armageddon, Orange-Tufted Asshole, OranguTAN, President Goldman Sucks, Pudgy McTrumpcake, Putin’s Papaya-Flavored Pawn, Queer Orangutan, The Talking Yam, Thin-Skinned Orange Peel, Orange Dildo, and Orange-Flavored Shitgibbon.

Why is his skin orange? So, so very orange. Is it a spray tan? Does he use a tanning bed? Is it all clown makeup? Is it an allergic reaction to Adderall? Are tanning goggles the explanation as to why he has the reverse-raccoon look happening? His sycophants in the White House tried to explain that he’s so orange because of good genes. No. An orange is orange because of good genes. Trump has boasted about his genes in the past, comparing himself to a racehorse. If Trump was a racehorse, he’d either be glue or dog food by now. Also, that’d be one orange, racist racehorse.

But finally, we have an explanation and with it, Trump’s admittance that he “looks” orange. He didn’t admit he is orange.

Because Republicans don’t have enough shit to get upset over, they often make stuff up or recycle past outrages. Several years ago, they were upset that the government put restrictions on light bulbs. The new light bulbs are more expensive, but better for the environment and last longer. A lot longer. They’re really better light bulbs. Conservatives got upset for a while until new fake outrages came along, like Obama put mustard on a burger, and then at some point, they realized the new energy-efficient light bulbs are actually better than the old incandescent bulbs, so they shut up about it. But now, Donald Trump has brought the old gripe back.

The Trump administration is easing restrictions on the old, nasty, wasteful incandescent bulbs, which is just shy better than lighting your home with a burning garbage can in the living room. I thought it was just another move to erase Obama’s legacy, but as it turns out, it’s even more personal than that.

While speaking to Republican House members in Baltimore Thursday, Trump said, “The bulb that we’re being forced to use – No. 1, to me, most importantly, the light’s no good. I always look orange. And so do you.” No, I don’t look orange. In fact, I don’t think any of us looks orange. Even Trump’s kid’s, they might look like entitled trust-fund baby assholes, but they don’t look orange. But hey, Trump has admitted he “looks” orange. The next step is for him to admit he IS orange.

This may not be Trump lying as much as it’s him refusing to accept reality. He lies about his weight and height, but he honestly may not realize just how ridiculous he looks. He may not see it in mirrors, but I’m sure he notices in pictures. He’s decided the explanation is that LED light bulbs are to blame. He’s already made an admiral doctor lie about his weight and height so the next step will be convincing government scientists that liberal light bulbs make him look orange. It’ll be Sharpiegate all over again.

The truth is, the light bulbs don’t make Trump look orange. He looks orange when he’s outside, whether it’s overcast, raining, or sunny. And there’s also the fact he’s been orange for at least two decades. If it’s his “good genes” that are making him orange, they didn’t kick in until the year 2000.

Trump is a ridiculous human being. And even though it sounds petty, I wouldn’t have voted for him based on his hair alone. Anyone who willfully makes himself look like shouldn’t be trusted to select a cable provider less enough possess codes to nuclear weapons.

Trump makes himself orange. Light bulbs don’t make him orange anymore than they make him a narcissistic racist. And before he tries, no. Paper straws aren’t the reason he sucks.

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Stupidgate


cjones05302018

Usually, when a president, or any politician, argues for or defends a position, they use details of the subject. They will use facts while also omitting details that hurt their argument. Sometimes they’ll even lie. Every politician lies. What Donald Trump does with lies isn’t just different, it’s dangerous.

Trump does not argue details or cite evidence or facts. He vilifies. For example, James Comey is a proven liar, leaker and Trump has done us a “great service” by firing him. There’s no evidence Comey lied about anything. There’s no evidence he leaked, but the narrative used by Trump and his sycophants is that Comey is a bad actor. It gets worse.

Trump will engage in conspiracy theories that are so bizarre they should make your tinfoil-wearing, attic-dwelling uncle say, “That crap is cray-cray.” Trump’s political ambitions began with the lie that Obama was not born in the United States. There has never been one ounce of evidence to support this claim, yet Trump harnessed it and rode it to his presidential announcement.

After Trump won the presidency, he claimed Obama wiretapped his phones. Of course, that’s not true, and he made the charge without any evidence. Today, he’s claiming there’s a “deep state” that was designed to prevent him from winning the presidency, and it still exists today in our government trying to bring him down. Never mind the fact that he is the government now and the heads of “deep state” are his appointees.

Trump claims the FBI, under orders from President Obama, planted a spy into his campaign to cost him the election and has even co-opted the term “Spygate.” Trump is so stupid and unoriginal that he had to steal the name “Spygate” from other controversies. A professor in Britain reached out to three Trump team members, Carter Page, George Papadopoulos, and Sam Clovis to inquire about their connections to Russia, and he reported his findings to the FBI. If the FBI was trying to derail the Trump campaign, they did a horrible job of it by making announcements they were investigating Hillary Clinton. They never made an announcement about investigating Trump.

American intelligence received warnings from officials in Britain and Australia about Russians attempting to meddle in the Trump campaign. They received no warnings from the Trump campaign itself. Trump’s team was eager and ready to receive cooperation from Russian agents to win the election.

When Trump screams “Spygate,” he’s deflecting from the fact that he hired Russian spies, he allowed them into his campaign headquarters, and that he even shouted on television asking Vladimir Putin to help him win the presidency. Trump says “Spygate” could be the biggest political scandal in history and everybody in the media is using the term. No and no. This so-called “Spygate” is totally made up from Trump’s feeble imagination and nobody in the media was using the term before Trump, unless they were talking about the New England Patriots spying on the New York Jets.

This is where it goes from being stupid, bizarre, slightly amusing to dangerous. People are listening and believing him.

A recent poll finds that 59% of Americans don’t believe Special Counsel Robert Mueller has uncovered any crimes, despite the fact, the investigation has issues 17 criminal indictments, five guilty pleas and has sent one person to prison. This is from the Goebbels playbook. If you repeat a lie enough people will start believing it, especially those who want to believe. Trump could tweet that the FBI has installed alien lizard people coordinated by Elvis to spy on him and his sycophants will believe it. This has created pressure on those in Washington who are attempting to remain adults.

The Justice Department caved into Trump’s demands faster than a room full of NFL owners to look into “Spygate” and Republicans have been pressuring them to reveal the identity of informants. What they really want to know is what do the DOJ and FBI have on Trump. Yesterday, the DOJ held a meeting with the Gang of Eight, the leaders of Congress from both parties to show them what they had concerning “Spygate.” They actually held two meetings, the first with Republicans Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes (who has used his position to deliver evidence to the White House), Trey Gowdy (because after holding numerous Benghazi hearings, he’s really good with the conspiracy crap), and Democrat Adam Schiff. They attempted to prevent any Democrats from attending these meetings. At the second meeting, Trump’s Chief of Staff John Kelly and White House lawyer Emmett Flood were allowed to attend. Kelly and Flood had no business attending that meeting other than gaining material for Trump’s defense. Their presence should not have been allowed.

Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and boasted that the Republicans would provide information from the meetings to Trump’s legal team, which proved what this is really all about. This is not draining the swamp. It’s a BYOB swamp party. Bring Your Own Bullshit.

Trump is attempting to use the DOJ as his own personal protection service. Earlier in the day, he said people who want to kneel during the national anthem should leave the country. Trump has also said that our nation having “thousands of judges” to hear immigration cases is a disgrace, and we should dispense with the trials. Trump is using the strategies implemented by authoritarians on their way to becoming dictators, and that is using lies to dispense with democratic institutions. Checks and balances and separation of power will be rid of like the use of facts.

Facts are still important even though Trump and his followers have no use for them and argue for “alternative facts,” conspiracy theories, and confirmation bias. People who get most of their information from Trump’s Twitter feed and Russian troll farms will tell you that we can’t trust The New York Times and The Washington Post.

“Many people” have said Russiagate is like Watergate, but with stupid people. There is no Spygate. There is only Stupidgate. And it may be the biggest political scandal in American history.

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Pod People


cjones01262018

There are a lot of things I don’t get. Some things are just so out of reach for me that I’m not even going to try to understand. Like, an old man wouldn’t try to understand Kajagoogoo in the 1980s. I would have gone for a more relative reference, but I’m too old for current crappy musical trends.

Take planking for instance. This was a thing a few years ago and I never understood it, and I might have tried for ten seconds to figure it out before I moved on with my life. What’s planking? I’m not sure I understand it enough to even give a description, but here goes.

Basically, it’s laying still, very stiffly, in strange places, like hanging between two tables…or in traffic. Yes, people did this. It seemed like a great way to combine laziness and danger into one useless activity. If you can describe it better, then please, post it in the comments.

There’s a new stupid thing you’ve probably heard about. It’s called the “Tide Pod Challenge.” Before we get to the challenge, there may be a few of you who don’t even know what a Tide Pod is. OK, guys, it’s laundry detergent. It’s in a plastic-like wrapper that you, or people who actually do laundry, throw in with their dirty clothes instead of pouring liquid detergent into the machine. The wrapper apparently vanishes, just like Republican dignity. I like them. I don’t use the Tide ones as I found some Gain “Flings” on sale.

The Tide Pod Challenge is kinda like the Ice Bucket Challenge of a few years ago, except where that challenge was raising money for charity, this challenge is exclusive to stupid people. They are eating the pods. Yes. You heard that correctly. People are eating laundry detergent. They are kinda cute and nifty looking. Appetizing? I don’t think so.

While your mother may not have killed you by washing your mouth out with soap when you said “fudge” as a kid (the Queen Elizabeth of all dirty words), eating laundry detergent can kill you, or at the very least, mess you up seriously. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. It just doesn’t make any sort of sense to me at all. But, it does make more sense than Republicans who deflect for Donald Trump.

People, like Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones, Donald Trump, and several Republican members of Congress are going on about a “secret society” within the FBI. Previously, the conspiracy theorists were going on about the “deep state.” This is Tide-Pod-Challenge stupid, which still isn’t as dumb as the conspiracies Trump believes in.

The GOP in Congress has been way more concerned with deflecting from investigations into his campaign’s collusion with Russia and his obstruction of justice than with defending our nation or finding the truth. Do you remember when Republicans were all about defending our nation from Russians and supporting law enforcement?

Donald Trump fired the Director of the FBI after he refused to pledge his loyalty to him and drop the agency’s investigation into Michael Flynn. He asked the acting-Director who he voted for. He’s asked other people in intelligence agencies to kill investigations into him and his surrogates. According to news today, Trump asked James Comey to drop the investigation into Flynn the day after he learned Flynn lied to the FBI.

Trump is trying to purge the FBI and create it into his own personal protection agency. He’s complained about Attorney General Jeff Sessions’ decision to recuse himself from overseeing the Special Counsel and has said he wouldn’t have appointed him if he knew beforehand that he would do that. His idea of draining the swamp is to turn the Justice Department into an agency that protects him and defends his corruption.

This does not concern Republicans at all. What does concern them is a make-believe society within the government trying to overthrow the president. They are basing this belief on the texts between two FBI agents who disliked Trump. One of them joked in a text about having a meeting of their “secret society.” The GOP probably also believes there’s a double-secret probation.

A lot of these text messages have vanished and the blame is being placed upon Samsung. Samsung is defending itself, but as an owner of several Samsung products…yeah. Your Samsung device can make shit disappear without any warning. I have had texts delete between me and a contact as new texts are written on a Samsung Galaxy. And, Fifty music demos, Samsung. FIFTY!!!!

Trump has tweeted about the missing text messages. Why doesn’t he just ask Russia to find them?

The GOP is now waging a campaign about releasing the FISA Memo. What new absurd nonsense is this shit? Republicans are upset that FBI agents used details from the Christopher Steele dossier (paid for by Democrats) as part of their argument to obtain a FISA warrant. The problem with this is, so what? Law enforcement will use anything to get a warrant. The information to get a warrant is usually accusations. It doesn’t mean anything. You use the information to convince a judge that a warrant is warranted.

The Republicans are shouting for a memo written about the FISA warrant to be released. Who wrote this memo? Republicans. Who won’t release it? Republicans. The Republicans who have seen it won’t even let other Republicans see it while screaming about how the public can’t see it. That eating Tide Pods thing is looking less and less like the dumbest new thing this week.

It was written by Devin Nunes, who is chairing the House’s investigation into the Russian Collusion thing. Nunes has made a habit of running to the White House every time he gets information on the case. Now, he’s written this memo that will supposedly destroy the FBI’s case. It’s being championed by such stalwarts of jurisprudence as Trey Gowdy and Bob Goodlatte. Forgive me if my expectations on this memo becoming anything more than another Republican distraction and talking point are low.

Believing Republican bullshit is dumber than eating Tide Pods, and will cause greater brain damage.

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