Cruz 2016

Never Trump Powers Colluding


cjones04262016

“Colluding.” That’s a word I got very tired of today.

GOP presidential candidates John Kasich and Ted Cruz are “colluding” to stop Trump. The deal is this: Kasich won’t campaign in Indiana where Republicans are more fundamentalists and insane (I have a little sister and brother there so I know about the insane part) which makes the state more attractive for Cruz. Cruz won’t campaign in New Mexico and Oregon where Republicans are less reactionaries for God so they probably wouldn’t ever go for Cruz. Plus, Cruz is probably afraid of any place with “Mexico” in the name. John Kasich will go anywhere and eat anything. Sometimes he won’t leave.

The two campaigns in this “collusion” state this is to “stop Hillary Clinton.” You know the wildcard teams in the NFC playoffs don’t spend the first round thinking about stopping the AFC champion in the Super Bowl.

So in the states Cruz is bypassing, Kasich should pick up all the non-existent votes Cruz was anticipating. You know nothing equals nothing. I’m sure there’ll be more success in Indiana for Cruz when he picks up the votes of the only two moderate Republicans in the state that were originally going for Kasich. This is a Hail Mary for the Never Trump movement, which views Cruz and Kasich voters as interchangeable.

Here’s a thing about Kasich (other than eating anything placed in front of him. He’s made Chris Christie say “Damn!”): He has fewer delegates than Marco Rubio, who has dropped out of the race. He’s only won one state, which he’s governor of. He thinks he can come in last and despite nobody voting for him, that the party will anoint him their nominee at a brokered convention. And yet, Kasich is dubbed the “reasonable” one of the candidates. Yup, nobody votes for him so sure he’ll do great in the general election.

Here’s the thing about Cruz (other than he’s creepy, nobody likes him and he has to bribe his daughters with Barbie dream houses to play with him): I mentioned nobody likes him and that hasn’t changed. Cruz is extremely intelligent but his narcissism is so extreme that he doesn’t realize the Never Trump movement isn’t a campaign for Cruz. The movement is a campaign to stop Trump and they’re using Cruz. If they were actually able to stop Trump they would drop Cruz faster than you can you say “ew, get that away from me.”

For the Never Trump movement, Cruz, and Kasich to succeed, they need a better message than “never Trump.” Though, the “never Trump” message is a good one, we’re talking about getting through to stupid people. The only other message so far is “Ted Cruz” and “John Kasich.” Nobody likes those messages.

I saw two other cartoons on this issue so far and both had Cruz and Kasich as Batman and Robin. That’s not where I got my idea.

I’m not sure how well this cartoon will be understood as I don’t know if my “audience” is that familiar with The Wonder Twins. “The What Twins?”, you may ask. The Wonder Twins. They were creepy alien twins in matching leotards with Spock ears. Matching leotards? Hell, if one of my siblings bought a T-shirt I owned, I’d throw mine away. Anyway, The Wonder Twins were on Super Friends which was a horrible Saturday morning cartoon back in the day (Do they still have Saturday morning cartoons?). The twins were really lame and a little too dependent on each other, though their relationship was looked on approvingly from Batman and Robin, also fighting crime in their underoos. They were less cool than Aquaman, who talked to fish (while swimming in his green and yellow underwear). Super Friends was brutally bad and the twins had these stupid powers. They had matching rings, in addition to their leotards, and when they touched rings (creepy), they’d shout “Wonder Twins powers….ACTIVATE!”. The girl would turn into an animal of some sort and her brother would turn into an inanimate object. I felt alien dude got the short end of the stick there as his sister would turn into a lion or soaring eagle and he’d turn into a paper weight. I don’t recall how effective they were at fighting Bizarro Superman with those powers.

I don’t remember why I kept watching the cartoon…oh yeah. Wonder Woman. No complaints with her crime-fighting attire.

So you learned about The Wonder Twins today. That and John Kasich will eat anything. He would eat English food. He’d eat at Burger King. Don’t say you never learn nothing when you come here.

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Cruz In New York


cjones04082016

It was a few months ago that Ted Cruz attacked Donald Trump for having “New York values.” That went over pretty well in the sticks of Iowa and is the sort of insult that appeals to the rube voter. Now Cruz is in New York.

After making his New York Values insult, Cruz said it wasn’t hard to figure out what it meant and that people in South Carolina knew what it meant. Now, despite it not being hard to figure out, Ted is spinning his definition as something directed toward New York big city liberals. No matter how terrible he views New York, he wants some of its 90 delegates. Cruz is handing this awkwardness about as well as someone who just asked a non-pregnant woman when is her baby due.

Cruz visited the Bronx on Wednesday where he might have been greeted a bit nicer than Hitler would have been walking through a Warsaw Ghetto. Cruz was shouted at in a variety of languages as he was met by protesters. One stated “Ted Cruz has no business being in the Bronx, this is an immigrant community,” He had to cancel a visit to a Bronx high school Thursday as students threatened to walk out. Many in the five boroughs are telling Ted what he can do with his photo op. Too bad there’s not a primary in Canada.

New Yorkers aren’t in love with Donald Trump either but in a race against Cruz he’s pulling in over 50% in the most recent polls. I guess they can forgive he uses a fork to eat a New York slice. He held a rally, also greeted by protesters, but also left many supporters unable to squeeze into the room. Suddenly, Trumps New Yorker accent got a lot thicker. “This guy, he talks about us like we ain’t no good.”

John Kasich stand no chance to win in New York, but he does know how to experience the city. Ohio’s governor visited Mike’s Deli in the Bronx and got food busy. He ate two plates of spaghetti bolognese. That would have been lunch for me but Kasich didn’t stop there. Next he tackled a sandwich called the Yankee Stadium big boy which contains mozzarella and four types of meat. The sandwich was huge. He then had some pasta fagioli and a little red wine. Kasich left the deli wiping sweat off his brow. If he’s anything like me he went into a food coma and needed a nap later. Damn. Now I’m hungry.

Cruz also visited Mike’s Deli on Wednesday where he was told how to eat a sandwich. Apparently it’s bad luck to place it upside down (I always do that whether it’s a sandwich or a burger. Uh Oh!).

When Cruz made his remark on New York Values we had yet had a primary. Since then he lost big where he was supposed to win, the South. Evangelicals voted for Trump. How about that, Ted? All of a sudden Cruz needs New York. If Cruz had done better in the South he wouldn’t even be campaigning in New York today. But hey, Ted, if you can make it there you can make it anywhere. You ain’t gonna make it. There’s four more boroughs in the city and I think I can speak for everyone that you should visit each of them. The New York Daily News splashed across their front page “Take the FU train, Ted.” Good idea. Don’t expect to use tokens.

I think it’s safe to bet neither Trump or Cruz would ever eat anything named “fagioli.”

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Another Cruz Conquest


cjones04032016

Ever since the National Enquirer reported that Ted Cruz is a Senatorial stud muffin and has had five affairs, the presidential candidate has not denied ever having an affair.

Oh sure, he’s had righteous indignation which he delivers with a plagiarized script, but no denial. So I was thinking someone should ask him if he’s ever boinked the governor of Alabama. Sorry for putting that terrible image in your head.

Ted Cruz is not someone anybody wants to picture getting busy in the bedroom. Neither is Republican Alabama governor Robert Bentley. To make matters even worse, recordings of Bentley have been released of him talking dirty. Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Bentley is a governor with a deacon persona. Recently his wife filed for divorce and then the recordings between him and his political adviser, Rebekah Mason (who had also served as his campaign manager), were leaked.

Now there’s all sorts of illicit details concerning the governor. Stuff like the governor hiring private jets to avoid a passenger manifest, purchasing “burner” phones, sharing a safety deposit box with Mason, and paying her through a 501 (c)(4) organization instead of having her on the state payroll.

So maybe a reporter can ask Senator Cruz if he’s ever “winked, winked, nudge nudge” with the Alabama governor. If for no reason other than sheer amusement. That can keep us entertained until the D.C. madam’s lawyer releases a huge lists of her clients next week which supposedly will have consequences on the presidential election. Oh you didn’t know about that? Yeah, that’s about to happen.

All I can say to that is “woo hoo!”

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Heidi, Heidi, EW!


cjones03242016

I know this cartoon is mean and it’s not fair but I don’t claim to be fair. You already know I don’t draw nice cartoons. Basically, Ted Cruz is gross. He’s icky. He’s creepy. A little bit slimy. He’s definitely not someone you want touching you. It’d be like walking into a spider web where you do that dance with an invisible partner.

Before the Utah primary an anti-Trump super pac aired an ad that ran only in that state. The ad featured a really smokin’ hot photo of an almost naked pic of Melania Trump (Trump’s third wife) from a magazine photo shoot (one of those magazines for men who are too cowardly to read real porn). The super pac’s idea was that it would make Mormons really not like Donald Trump, because Mormons are against porn and naked stuff I guess.

Super pacs are not supposed to coordinate with campaigns. This super pac isn’t even a pro-Cruz super pac. They apparently just want to bring down Trump. Well screw facts. Donald Trump tweeted out a threat to Cruz. He blamed him for the ad and said that “Lyin’ Ted” better be careful or he’ll spill the dirt on Ted’s wife, Heidi.

First off, Ted didn’t have anything to do with that ad. He’s a disgusting, vile, Creepy McCreeperson but there isn’t any evidence he had anything to do with the naked Melania ad. Second, Trump is not afraid to insult women. He’s proven that. He’ll just make stuff up if he has to.

Third, what would he have on Heidi, other than she’s married to Ted and has the ridiculous Snow White name of “Heidi?” I guess Trump could point out the fact that she once suffered from depression, but who hasn’t? That would probably just endear her to people. Could a human being actually marry Ted? You would think that kind of woman would have to be created in a lab in Romania.

Maybe Trump could point out that she works as a managing director for Goldman Sachs which also gave out a sweet heart loan to Ted for his Senatorial campaign, and then he misreported it on campaign finance forms because he lies a lot. He also claimed they liquidated all their assets for the campaign which of course was another lie. Again, that’s Ted stuff. None of it really hits Heidi.

I suspect Trump is just making stuff up. He’ll proclaim “we’ll reveal all the dirt on Heidi” and then turns to his staff and asks “do we have anything on Heidi?”

There is one thing that is not a lie. When it comes to first ladies and dignity we’re really going to miss Michelle Obama.

Update: Today Cruz called Trump a “sniveling coward.” I agree but Ted is the last person who should call anyone “sniveling,” or regarding his reaction to terrrorism, “coward.” Cruz also stole lines from the 90’s flick An American President in responding to Trump. I knew he was into The Princess Bride but who knew he’s got a thing for Michael Douglas movies?

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A Republican Crying Game


cjones03192016

There’s a lot of skin-crawling icky things out there you don’t want to touch. Slugs, boogers, backwash, shoulder hair, Kardashians, Ted Cruz.

Nobody likes Ted Cruz. People who went to college with Ted didn’t like him. Bob Dole, Lindsey Graham, John McCain, John Boehner, Peter King, George W. Bush, any normal sensible person in general, pretty much hates Ted. And these are people on his side.

When he worked on George W. Bush’s campaign, if they wanted a meeting to end early they’d make sure to invite Ted. People couldn’t get out of the room fast enough, if they actually attended at all.

Cruz, whose features have been noted are similar to Grandpa Munster and Mr. Haney from Green Acres, even has a neurologists studying his face to determine just why it’s so creepy and off putting and makes children and small animals cry. There’s also two viral campaigns accusing him of being the Zodiac Killer and a member of the 80’s Christian metal band, Stryper. Apparently the lead singer of Stryper is pretty distraught over this.

Lindsey Graham said if you murdered Ted Cruz and your trial was before the United States Senate, you’d get off. Now Lindsey Graham is endorsing Ted Cruz for president because he’s that afraid of a Donald Trump presidency.

Mitt Romney has kinda sorta endorsed Cruz by stating he’ll vote for him in the Utah primary. What the Hell is Mittens doing living in Utah? He was governor of Massachusetts. I digress. Romney is not overly excited about voting for Ted Cruz. I’m sure he’ll take a shower with a brillo pad after voting.

Donald Trump doesn’t advocate any policies Ted Cruz disagrees with. The GOP establishment is scared of Trump’s style, which is mostly racist, insulting and calls for violence.

A Cruz presidency is actually scarier than a Trump reign of stupid. Ted’s father and wife believe he was sent by God to save America. Ted believes our rights were granted by God, not the Constitution. He was recently endorsed by a pastor who says God sent Hitler to kill the Jews. That’s actually worse than being endorsed by David Duke. Yet, it’s an endorsement Cruz embraces because he’s creepy.

Republicans will be crying in the shower by fighting for Ted Cruz in their “Stop Trump” campaign. Talk about making a pact with the devil…or a devil who thinks he was sent by God. Republicans are giving up on the presidency this time…and trying to save the Senate and House.

The real scary thing in this entire absurd situation is that the Republican establishment has to choose between a billionaire’s massive and expensive ego trip, and McCarthyism. They’re choosing McCarythism.

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Let’s Insult Ted Cruz


cjones11192015
In many ways, editorial cartooning is an art in disrespect. I like that. There’s plenty of people out there begging for it.
Pundits today said presidents should never be snarky. Thankfully, they weren’t talking about political cartoonists.
Obama is overseas right now but the job goes where the president goes and he criticized the right wing rhetoric freaking out over refugees. He mentioned how in addition to being afraid of debate moderators, now Republicans are afraid of widows and orphans. You don’t really man up by whining about the president insulting you. Well that’s exactly what United States Senator Ted Cruz did. He cried like a baby, or like someone stole his copy of Mein Kampf.
School yard bully Ted Cruz responded that it’s OK for the president to insult him, but he needs to do it to his face. Yeah, it’s kinda hard to look tough and manly after screaming you’re scared of widows, orphans, liberal debate moderators, sun light, garlic, mirrors, stakes through the heart, etc. That ship has sailed.
He challenged the president to a debate and said it can be held anywhere preferably on U.S. soil, and in a mausoleum where you can keep your blood cold, as that’s where the senator is most comfortable.
Two things about Ted Cruz you should keep in mind when he talks: 1. He’s an idiot. 2. anything he or anyone says while running for president is pandering to their base. Ted Cruz’s base is one of racists. 3. He’s really creepy. OK. Three things to keep in mind.
Ted, the president isn’t going to debate you. That would be just the boost your campaign needs. It would legitimize you and despite being a United States senator, you’re not legitimate. Your views are regressive and opposite of the direction the country is going in. Also, the president didn’t call you out by name. He saw Beetlejuice.
The president is justified to criticize these freaks while he’s out of the country. America’s right wing is embarrassing us to the world so why not insult them before an international audience? President Obama was in The Philippines when he made his comments, not Turkey as Cruz stated. This guy is almost as bad with maps and geography as Ben Carson. But lucky for Cruz, his father was better with maps when he left Cuba and found the U.S. (after finding Canada) where he sought political asylum. I guess that irony ship has sailed too.
Do you feel insulted when someone calls you out for your bigotry, racism, xenophobia, Islamophobia, sexism, and just downright being a horrible, disgusting, and vulgar waste of humanity? Then maybe you should stop. Stop creating legislation banning Syrians. Stop saying we should only accept Christians. Stop suggesting we should round up all refugees. Don’t kick them out of your state like the governor of Indiana did today (they were redirected from Indiana to Connecticut, where the governor is not a troglodyte, which is kind of a win for them). Don’t threaten to shut down mosques as Donald Trump suggested. Do not use the internment of Japanese civilians in World War II as a great and positive example, as the mayor of Roanoke, VA (my state) did today. Don’t use human suffering as a campaign prop, as the prostitute-loving senator from Louisiana is doing. Don’t say the president hates America because he’s black like Ben Stein did today (giving Ferris Beuller another reason to skip that class, Racism 101). You know what? Just stop saying the president doesn’t love America. George W. Bush brought this country to its knees, not because he hates it. He did it because he’s a moron who wanted to make war profiteers even richer.
Despite everything France has been through this past week, their president has vowed to take in more refugees. There are still good people out there, despite all the racists on Facebook giving the impression otherwise.
Sometimes the truth hurts. Senator Cruz, you’re xenophobic. And yes, You do look like a bigoted Grandpa Munster.
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