Wrestling

Smackdown For MAGAts


cjones02242020

Spoiler alert: Professional wrestling is fake. Another spoiler alert: So is Donald Trump and his entire administration.

When I was a kid, my friends and I actually had debates over whether professional wrestling was real. Even if you were on the side of it being real, you still knew it was fake. Today, it seems professional wrestling fans are totally in on it, but they still enjoy the “sport. OK, like NASCAR, it’s not a sport, so it totally makes sense that Donald Trump made an appearance at one of their events yesterday.

But Trump fans are less sophisticated than wrestling fans. They don’t know Donald Trump is fake. They think the guy is an actual billionaire. They think he’s donating his entire presidential salary without getting anything in return (Psst, emoluments, fuckers). They think he’s a great negotiator. They think he’s smart. They think he knows stuff. They don’t think he’s an idiot, or a racist, or a sexist, or a narcissistic shitstain in our nation’s history. Most of all, they actually believe Donald Trump cares and can relate to them.

A few months ago, my ex-girlfriend asked me if I knew wrestling was big right now. I did not know that but it totally makes sense. I mean, if Donald Trump can fool enough people to steal a presidential election, then there’s gotta be a lot of people watching wrestling.

And it’s appropriate to compare Donald Trump to wrestling because he has a relationship with wrestling, which was probably more real to him than his reality show. Donald Trump worked a program with the World Wrestling Entertainment company. It was a program where two billionaires, Trump and the owner of the company, Vincent McMahon, battled each other at Wrestlemania (the Super Bowl of wrestling) vicariously through wrestlers. The loser got his head shaved. No, it doesn’t make sense to me either. Of course, Donald Trump didn’t actually wrestle but he did jump on McMahon at one point to throw some fake punches. At the end of the show, he got to shave McMahon’s head and then…a bald wrestler gave Donald Trump what is called a “stunner.” I could watch that video clip all day.

Trump’s wrestling connection goes further. Reportedly, McMahon or the WWE (not sure which) paid Trump $4 million for his Wrestlemania gig. But, they didn’t “pay” him. They donated the money to the Trump Foundation. You know, that organization the state of New York recently shut down because of Trump’s corruption with it? But, with Trump taking the money as a donation to his charity, that means he didn’t have to pay taxes on it. Later, Trump used money from that charity to buy portraits of himself and sports memorabilia, pay off legal fees for his shitty bedbug-ridden gold resorts, and make political bribes to one of the lawyers who eventually defended his impeachment before the United States Senate. He also used the charity to make donations to veteran groups in coordination with presidential campaign events, which is illegal. Man, I could making this shit up, but I’m not.

After Donald Trump was elected (fake) to the presidency, he made Linda McMahon, Vince’s wife and CEO of the rasslin’ company, the head of the Small Business Administration. On April 12, 2019, she stepped down. On the 15th of April (in case you’re a Republican, that’s three days later), she was appointed as Chairman of America First Action, a pro-Trump Super PAC, where she plans to raise and spend $300 million in battleground states to reelect Trump. If there’s a reason not to watch wrestling, it’s that right there. Linda herself is a former Republican candidate for the U.S. Senate. Thankfully, she lost.

It makes sense that Linda McMahon would chair a Trump Super PAC since she’s already headed one unethical enterprise. She was CEO of WWE and no, it’s not unethical because it’s a fake sport. It’s unethical in that their “wrestlers” are not employees. They’re contractors so the company doesn’t have to pay Social Security, Medicare, unemployment insurance, or provide insurance. After one wrestler with a history of multiple concussions murdered his wife and child before committing suicide, a government survey found that 40% of “wrestlers” were found to be drug users, mostly steroids. WWE has fought states from regulating it as a sport and it has a long legacy of ignoring concussions, like the kind that makes a guy go batshit crazy and murder his wife and child before committing suicide. Donald Trump recently said head injuries to military members weren’t a concern. The mortality rate for wrestlers is 6.4 times higher than it is for men in the general population and higher than other “sports.” The number of wrestlers to die before the age of 65 is insane. Men should not be dying from heart attacks in their 30s. Seriously, Google this shit.

So, when Attorney General William Barr publicly scolds Donald Trump for tweeting on cases before DOJ and making his job “impossible,” don’t believe it. He coordinated his criticism with the White House before he delivered it. Barr has done nothing except use the Justice Department to defense Donald Trump, protect his corrupt friends, and go after his political enemies. After calling back U.S. Attorney’s sentence recommendation for Roger Stone, then saying he wants to review the entire case, over 1,100 former Justice Department employees have called on Barr to resign.

Barr should resign though it wouldn’t do any good. Trump would just replace him with another phony. At some point, maybe they will start wearing masks like those little Mexican wrestlers.

There is no Santa Claus, no Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny isn’t real, wrestling is staged, and Donald Trump is a fake president. It’s time you grew up and realized that.

Creative notes: I worked on this one in my head for two days. Even at a party last night, I kept going back to the text and restructuring it in my head. When I finally drew it, I didn’t use anything I had planned out (except for the stuff in the blog). The blog took a lot of research.

When I bounced this off my two proofreaders, I asked if they were familiar with the “smell what’s cookin'” line. Laura said she didn’t and had to look it up which probably replaced some less important knowledge in her brain, like algebra. She was also unfamiliar with a “purple nurple” which I hope is not an actual wrestling maneuver.

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Motley Mittens


cjones12052016

Am I the only one who thinks that Trump might have picked retired Marine general James “Mad Dog” Mattis as his secretary of defense because of his masculine nickname? Macho Man is dead but Balls Mahoney is still available for Donald Trump’s services.

In a speech during the presidential campaign Mitt Romney said “Donald Trump is a phony, a fraud. “His promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. He’s playing members of the American public for suckers: He gets a free ride to the White House, and all we get is a lousy hat.”
Romney said that “dishonesty is Donald Trump’s hallmark,” pointing to his “bullying, the greed, the showing off, the misogyny, the absurd third-grade theatrics.”
Now Romney wants the hat.

Of course in 2008 he courted Trump’s endorsement and held a press conference with him. Now he’s eating frog legs and whatever else comes out of Trump’s ass in Trump Tower in an an effort to become secretary of state. Mitt Romney has sold his pride, ethics, principles, credibility, and soul to maybe someday calling Donald Trump his boss. Instead he’ll probably be denied the job and still be Trump’s bitch.

Romney needs to go back and watch the tape of him calling Trump a fraud and pay really close attention.

James Mattis on the other hand might actually be a good pick for secretary of defense, but he should not get that opportunity.

Trump called General Mattis “the closest thing we have to Gen. George Patton.” If you know anything about World War II history you’ll know that’s not a good thing for secretary of defense. Patton was an effective general who was in constant conflict with his superiors and our allies. Donald Trump probably only saw the movie.

Patton slapped a solider, not once but twice, accusing them of being cowards avoiding battle. I wonder how hard he’d slap Trump.

Mattis actually disagrees with Trump on Russia, Syria, the Baltics, Ukraine, the Iran nuclear deal, and torture. All this shows that Trump’s statements should never be taken literally.

The main reason why Mattis should not be secretary of defense isn’t a slam on Mattis at all. There is a federal law that requires anyone serving as secretary of defense to be out of the military for at least seven years. Mattis has been out for three. The last military man who led the department was George C. Marshall and Congress had to create an exception for him and they’ll have to do the same for Mattis.

Congress should not be creating exceptions and new laws to serve Donald Trump. Can you imagine our outlook if another nation stripped civilian control of the military, handed it to a general, and did all this to suit their new leader who wants to strip away press freedom and punish his political opponents?

Our military is designed to be controlled by civilians. The military already takes the largest chunk out of the U.S. budget. Giving a general this position is another step toward becoming an authoritarian state. People ask how a nation can allow that to happen. We’re watching it happen.

Democrats have enough members to filibuster and stop this move. They should use it. It’s nothing personal, General.

I had to google images of wrestling onesies. Take my advice and don’t ever do that. For the love of god, don’t do that. You’re gonna do it now, aren’t you?

Update: While Googling “wrestling onesies” I had also Googled wrestling nicknames. I failed to actually read the articles and instead only read the names and headlines. As it turns out the wrestler named “Balls Mahoney” is also dead. Damn you, 2016!

This morning I received some spam wrestling email. My website gets me some weird stuff (I still get ad popups for lightsabers).I did not learn about the passing of Balls from that. Instead a reader more knowledgeable on wrestling sent me a message about the untimely demise of Mr. Balls. I would like to express my condolences to the entire Balls family. I just hope no one got testy over my mistake.

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