Trump Praise

Quicker-Picker-Upper-In-Chief


cjones10062017

Donald Trump has thrown more paper towels than any other president before him. Not even Roosevelt threw paper towels as tremendous and absorbent as the ones Trump threw.

Bill Clinton would go to the site of a tragedy and hug victims. George W. Bush climbed on top of a pile of rubble where dead bodies were still being searched for and declared, “we heard from those responsible and soon they’ll hear from us.” Barack Obama went to the African-American church where a racist shot up the congregation and sang “Amazing Grace.”

Donald Trump goes to Puerto Rico and throws rolls of paper towels to the victims. He berated them, saying “I hate to tell you, Puerto Rico, but you threw our budget a little out of whack” (ignoring his huge tax cut for the rich, his increased military spending, and his plans to spend billions on a useless border wall). He gets into a tiff with the mayor of San Juan (because he really doesn’t like being questioned by a woman, especially if she’s a minority woman). He accused Puerto Ricans of not helping themselves and wanting everything done for them. He informs the victims that they didn’t have a real catastrophe, like Katrina (because worse disasters happen to other presidents?). He told officials they should be “proud” of a death toll that stood in double digits instead of thousands. He spends the bulk of his four-hour visit telling everyone how much he’s being complimented.

Who could have foreseen that a TV reality show host would be terrible at dealing with a national disaster that turned life upside-down for over three million Americans? How do you deal with Trump’s failures with disaster relief (and life in general) if you’re a Trump sycophant? Oh yeah…those paper-towel throws. Woo-hoo! Over here, Cheeto McGrabberson. I’m open!

Folks in Puerto Rico may not have electricity, food, water, phone service, cash, fuel, etc…but if they spill something, they’re all set.

Trump did not prepare for the hurricane. Supplies were not stockpiled before the storm hit. Supplies, boats, and people weren’t organized to respond until after. There has been a lack of coordination. Last Thursday, over 10,000 shipping containers that had been delivered were still in port.

Yes. As Donald Trump has informed us, Puerto Rico is an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water. Yet, this is a nation that conducted the invasion of Normandy, Iwo Jima, Okinawa, and is threatening to destroy North Korea, all locations across oceans and “big water.”

It’s not that Trump is un-presidential and embarrassing. He’s a disaster whose job is to deal with disasters. He did not want to become president because he had a broad vision for this nation. He became president to promote his brand and feed his ego. Unfortunately, 62 million Americans fell for the con. Trump needs to quit and let the adults take over now. Americans are dying from natural disasters and from mass shootings, meanwhile, he’s throwing paper towels.

Insiders say that Trump didn’t pay attention to Puerto Rico for a week because he lost interest. It probably took the criticism of a minority woman on the island to gauge his interest, because Trump loves a fight…especially with a woman.

Throwing paper towels is Trump’s way of being consoler-in-chief. It beats having to hug the great unwashed masses in times of their peril. They may have germs.

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Praise For Dear Leader


cjones06152017

You wonder why Trump and his sycophants can’t see how ridiculous it looks that they turned their cabinet meeting into a praise and worship session for Donald Trump, but then you look at his hair. No, he doesn’t know when he looks ridiculous. I half expect him to walk out of the White House one day wearing spandex pants with “Juicy” on the butt.

Donald Trump issued a denial that he demanded James Comey pledge his loyalty, then his cabinet conducts an ass-kissing parade. A man who paints himself orange won’t be able to see how that appears. He probably won’t be able to read how it will look if he fires Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

Every idiot who works for Trump, other than Defense Secretary James Mattis who hasn’t sacrificed every shred of dignity…yet, heaped praise on The Donald Monday during the first cabinet meeting attended by every member. It’s a daily routine for Vice-President Mike Pence who can’t give a speech without repeating the phrase “under the leadership of President Trump” at least 17 times. Pence probably oozes the fake praise in his sleep.

But if it seemed creepy and gross that the entire cabinet sat in a circle jerk for the prez, that’s because it is. It resembles the regime of North Korea, or a scene from Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles when his cabinet “harumphs” to one of his rants and Brooks, as the GOV, says “I didn’t get a ‘harumph’ out of that guy.”

The booty kissing started with Pence who said “The greatest privilege of my life is to serve as vice president to the president who’s keeping his word to the American people.” I wonder which word that was. Bigly? Yuge? Covfefe?

It was followed by Attorney General Jeff Sessions (who could be gone any day now and back in his tree making cookies) telling his Dear Leader it was an “honor” to serve him. At least when Monica served Bill Clinton, they shut the door.

Alexander Acosta, Secretary of Labor said “I am privileged to be here — deeply honored — and I want to thank you for your commitment to the American workers.” Are you feeling sick yet? Wait. There’s more!

Sonny Perdue, Secretary of Agriculture, just returned from Mississippi and told Trump how much they love him there.

Perhaps the most nauseating praise came from Chief of Staff Reince Priebus who might have confused Trump with God when he said “We thank you for the opportunity and the blessing to serve your agenda.” Pass the crackers and wine and let’s all hail Trump.

OK, I’m too nauseous to post the rest, but they all praised his integrity, his message, his strength, his policies, his blah blah blah, ugh. Trump nodded approvingly and if you watch a video of it, you’ll see his huge smile. It’s like a child at a birthday party, except this is a 70-year-old man-baby with nuclear weapons.

If nearly every cabinet member heaping praise on Trump wasn’t enough flattery, Trump followed suit by praising himself, which is not unique. It would be unique if he didn’t praise himself. Trump declared himself one of the most productive presidents in American history — perhaps Franklin D. Roosevelt could come close, he conceded — and proclaimed that he had led a “record-setting pace” of accomplishment. That may be true as he could be the president who’s impeached the quickest.

This sort of stuff never happened under other presidents’ cabinet meetings. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer mocked the meeting with a video of his own, which must have trolled the entire Trump administration. I wonder if any cabinet member did any dry heaving afterward.

Weird, crazy, confused, and mentally-dysfunctional former professional basketball player Dennis Rodman is in North Korea, again, where he’s probably giving Kim Jong Un plenty of “harumphs.” Rodman could be carrying a message for Kim from Trump. That’s great. Donald Trump has put the hope that there will not be a nuclear war in the hands of Dennis Rodman.

As for anyone in the Trump administration who doesn’t massage the man-baby’s ego, they better watch their ass.

What I will find very ironic is if Donald Trump, who is not smart or good enough, loses the presidency to Stuart Smalley.

Creative note: I asked a friend for her input on the “exfoliate” thing. I didn’t know if it was “foliate” or “exfoliate.” I figured she would know for sure since she has skin.

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