Trump Cult

Failed Hoax


CNN10042020

Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday.

There was hope that Donald Trump having the coronavirus would change his messaging of the pandemic…and more importantly, change how his base behaves with it.

Nope.

Donald Trump said he went to the “school of covid.” He fully understood it now…then tweeted he may be immune to it, despite testing positive and going to the hospital for three nights. He may have gone to the “real school,” but like that Ivy League school he got into, he might want to get someone else to take his tests.

If Donald Trump fully understands the coronavirus, then he fully doesn’t give a rat’s flying ass about the danger he’s posing to others. He risked lives with his joyride outside the hospital. He risked lives with his photo-ops inside the hospital. He risked lives leaving the hospital early and returning to the White House for more photo-ops and to immediately make a campaign video. Of course, all without a mask.

Soon after arriving back to the White House, he came out on the balcony, removed his face mask, labored to breathe, then gave a salute. Who was he saluting? The people on the sidewalk facing the south lawn are too far away to tell he’s saluting. So, what the hell? Go to bed, you orange goon and make sure they burn the sheets in the morning, you contagious rancid sack of walking pumpkin shi…

Anyway, now, his base is using his return to the White House to claim the illness isn’t that bad. Or, that it’s really bad but this is just how incredibly strong Donald Trump is. What a superhero. What a super spreader. How many people in the Trump orbit have tested positive now? How many will?

Trump was euphoric tweeting he feels better now than he has in the past 20 years…and his base is claiming this is “owning the libs.” Donald Trump says we shouldn’t be “scared of the virus” or let it “dominate our lives.” It’s a message to his base.

Maybe Donald Trump should message to his base that they won’t receive the same treatment he has. They won’t be placed in Walter Reed hospital. They won’t receive experimental medical treatment. They won’t receive non-stop pampering and medical attention by the world’s top doctors. They won’t have doctors also engaging in spin doctoring. They won’t have steroids to make them feel better than they did 20 years ago.

What Donald Trump needs to message to his base is to wash their hands, practice social distancing, and wear their damn mask.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

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Once, Twice, Three Times a Trump Voter


cjones09062020

Guess what. In the future, when nominees for the United States Attorney General are going through their Senate confirmation hearings, they will have to be asked if they’re aware voting twice is illegal.

No, seriously. This is another thing the Trump era has fucked up. William Barr, Donald Trump’s favorite Droopy-lookalike saggy jowl toad, said he was unaware if voting twice was illegal.

The background? Yesterday, while talking to fucknuts in North Carolina, Donald Trump encouraged his followers to vote twice. You know, cheat. Break the wall. Crap all over our Democratic institution.

For months, Donald Trump has been spreading fear about mail-in voting. He and Republicans keep telling us it’s impossible to conduct mail-in voting without fraud, unless of course it’s in a Republican state. Seriously. They also claim the Post Office can’t handle the millions of ballots.

The truth: There has been no widespread fraud in mail-in voting. And, with each example Republicans present, it’s an example of someone being caught. And, the Post Office can handle the millions of mail-in ballots. How do I know this? Because they do about five times that many every Christmas. From Thanksgiving to January 1, the Post Office handles over 800 millions packages. There are only 153 million voters in this country…unless of course, everybody’s voting twice.

Donald Trump said people in North Carolina, a state he’s in danger of losing, should try to vote twice. He said, “Let them send it in and let them go vote, and if their system’s as good as they say it is, then obviously they won’t be able to vote. If it isn’t tabulated, they’ll be able to vote.”

He summed up, “That’s the way it is. And that’s what they should do.” And if they do that, they will go to jail.

When asked by CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, William Barr, being Donald Trump’s toad, said, “I don’t know what the law in the particular state says, and when that vote becomes final.” The law in that particular state, and every particular state, says it’s illegal.

Wolf asked, “”Is there any state in which you can vote twice?”

Barr said, “Maybe you can change your vote up to a particular time, I don’t know what the law is.” Seriously? You don’t know what the law is? I’m just a goofball cartoonist but I know what the law is. Voting twice is illegal. Prove me wrong.

Here’s a fun fact, if you try to vote twice, you will lose all your voting rights. Let me dumb it down for Trumplicans: In the future, you won’t even be able to vote once.

Congressman Ted Lieu tweeted, “Dear anyone at the Justice Department: Can you please educate Bill Barr that it is illegal to vote twice. And it’s really, really easy to get caught since you are giving the evidence directly to the state.” I’ll add to that with a, “D’uh!”

It’s shameful that someone who has been Attorney General….TWICE (maybe that should be illegal)…has to play dumb for Donald Trump. It’s like those preachers saying they don’t know if fornicating outside your marriage is considered a sin in the Bible.

But then again, maybe William Barr was having a mini stroke.

I have a prediction. In this election, there will be multiple cases of voter fraud. AND…the majority of them will be overwhelmingly Republicans. How do I know this? These idiots drink fish tank cleaner and bleach when Donald Trump mentions it. Yeah, a bunch of these idiots will be trying to vote twice. It’s as easy to predict as it was that a bunch of biker goons would peddle out of Sturgis spreading Covid-19.

The other thing is…Donald Trump is only against voter fraud when he’s not endorsing it.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

After Trump


cjones09042020

During the Obama presidency, when a leader and members of his administration spoke in complete sentences, Republicans accused the president of being the most divisive in American history. A conservative colleague of mine wrote repeatedly about how divisive Obama was. But seeing that my friend and Republicans don’t use that term in regards to Donald Trump, I’m having trouble trying to figure out what was so divisive about President Barack Obama.

It can’t be his use of executive orders because Trump has done that. It can’t be how often he played golf because Trump has topped that. It can’t be that Obama went on an “apology tour” because Trump has insulted our nation (“what, you think we’re so nice?”). It can’t be because he lost our nation respect because world leaders literally laugh at Donald Trump. It can’t be because he coddles fascist regimes because Donald Trump is sending “love letters” to Kim Jong Un and takes Vladimir Putin’s word over our own intelligence agencies. It can’t be because he weighed in on domestic legal matters because Donald Trump is praising a kid who shot three people killing two. It can’t be because Barack Obama praised Nazis because he never did that but Donald Trump has. It can’t be because several members of his administration were indicted because none were but a whole bunch of Trump’s goons have been.

It can’t be because he feuded with every celebrity with a Twitter account, asked foreign nations for election help, rewteeted Nazis, hired his kids, kept his businesses, threw money at his businesses, violated emoluments, tried to get summits and golf tournaments at his resorts, said POWs aren’t heroes, feuded with Gold Star families, or said, “Grab them by the pussy.”

So what the hell was so divisive about President Obama? Was it the tan suit? Was it mustard on a cheeseburger? Fox News freaked out over both but I don’t think that’s it. Actually, the answer is obvious.

When Barack Obama was elected, the racists in this nation could barely contain themselves. In fact, most failed. The day after the election in 2008, an angry woman called The Free Lance-Star, where I worked, and said she was dropping her subscription because we put that, and I’m quoting here, “N-word terrorist” on our front page. Today, Donald Trump is defending a terrorist.

Most conservatives attempted to hide their racism but would occasionally trip on it. Usually, they’d try to go after Obama with their racism while poorly trying to conceal it. Look at the birther movement.

Was it divisive that Barack Obama was elected to the presidency despite being born in Kenya? No, because he was born in the United States. But, that conspiracy theory was championed by the next president (sic), Donald J. Racist as a motherfucker Trump.

Donald Trump is a racist and he’s guilty of just about everything conservatives ever accused Obama of. All we need for a complete list is to discover Trump was born in Kenya. But, the one thing the fraudulent election of Donald J. Trump did was give racist mofos a champion to rally behind. It gave racists clearance to come out of their racist holes and make themselves known.

Shortly after Trump’s election, there was a white nationalists conference at his Washington Hotel where attendees felt free to sieg heil. The Ku Klux Klan threw a parade for Donald Trump. New hate groups formed, such as Proud Boys. Nazis marched into Charlottesville chanting, “Jews will not replace us” and “blood and soil.” Violence against minorities increased. White assholes felt free to point their guns at black people for walking down their street. Racist decided to drive trucks through Portland, Oregon and shoot paint balls at black people, knowing a president (sic) would defend them. And a kid named Kyle Rittenhouse took a long rifle and went hunting for black people in Kenosha.

The worst people in the United States came out of their holes and screamed and hollered. They don’t like facts. They abandoned all principles clinging to just one platform which is “hail Trump.” They follow their orange troll and believe every lie he tells, which is over 22,000 so far. They believe and spread conspiracy theories. People follow those conspiracy theories and attempt murder. Mass shooters publish manifestos praising Donald Trump. They will risk their children’s lives by sending them to school because Trump says so. They will ride into Sturgis and contaminate each other. They will risk their own lives and die for Donald Trump which is what Herman Cain did. They will accuse anyone who disagrees of wanting open borders, being a communist, and of hating America.

These are the most vile, racist, hateful, and dumbest people in the nation. They’re selfish and entitled. Also, they’re 99% white whose grievance is that minorities may get some of their civil liberties. These white people believe being white and Christian is under attack.

The truth is, they are the minority in this nation. There is no silent majority. The majority of citizens of this nation want Donald Trump removed. But, Trump might just stay because of the electoral college. But, what if he is removed? What happens to his hateful base? What becomes of the troglodytes? Where do the assholes go?

Trump supporters are not going to go away. They’re not going back into the holes where they came from. They’re not going to be silent. Most of all, they’re not going to become enlightened. They will continue to poison the atmosphere. They will continue to spread hate and fear. They’ll continue to gather on the dark web. They will continue to engage in conspiracy theories. Donald Trump will continue to lead them. If Donald Trump loses the election, no matter how badly he’s beaten, Trump and his racist base will spread the lie he was cheated.

If Joe Biden wins the election and we can actually pry Donald Trump out of the White House, there will be a lot of work to do. There will be a lot of damage to repair. And while we’re trying to rebuild this nation and our standing in the world, we’ll be doing it while being attacked repeatedly by Trump and his racists.

The only answer to this is, we have to be better. And here’s the thing, kids: We already are. History will not look kindly at today’s Trump supporters. History books will label them for the stupid racists they are. Hell, maybe even future history books in Texas.

Trump and his racists will continue to spread hate, fear, and lies. They will continue to cause problems for ordinary people. They will continue to be stupid. And you know what they say about stupid.

You can’t fix stupid.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first. But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box.

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Capitol Freaking Beaches


cjones07262020

Congress is full of bitches. Bitches like Rand Paul, Matt Gaetz, and Ted Yoho.

Congresswoman Liz Cheney, daughter of Dick, is being yelled at by a bunch of dicks. Liz had the gall to say something nice about Dr. Anthony Fauci, a man GOP talking points have labeled as the enemy. She’s also said things that require having a rational mind like we shouldn’t remove all our troops out of Germany.

Senator Rand Paul yelled that Liz is “leading the fight” to stop Trump from withdrawing U.S. troops from overseas conflicts. I didn’t realize we were in an overseas conflict with Germany other than they use science and we don’t. Matt Gaetz wants her removed from a conference chair. Donald Trump Jr, who is NOT a member of Congress thank God, said, “We don’t need another Mitt Romney.” We don’t need two Donald Trumps either but we got ’em.

Donald Trump Sr. tweeted, “Liz Cheney is only upset because I have been actively getting our great and beautiful Country out of the ridiculous and costly Endless Wars. I am also making our so-called allies pay tens of billions of dollars in delinquent military costs. They must, at least, treat us fairly!!!” Here’s the thing about our “so-called” allies paying tens of billions in delinquent military costs: Obama, not Trump, got them to agree to increase how much they contribute to NATO. Fact, fact, fuckity, fact, fact. I’m also surprised Trump didn’t say, “beautiful” endless wars.

Rand Paul, who took a test for covid-19, then went to mingle with his colleagues while waiting for his POSITIVE result, went on to say about Liz Cheney, “I don’t think she’s good for the country.”

Remember this, kids, the next time Republicans accuse Democrats of not being open to different viewpoints within their party and how they all must conform to the same ideology. Here the Republican Party is chastising one of their own, who agrees with Donald Trump 99% of the time, for not being sycophantic enough. The Kool-Aid drinkers are on her because she doesn’t drink enough Kool-Aid.

Maybe part of their problem with Liz Cheney is that she’s a woman. I mean, do you remember Republicans chastising Dick Cheney like this when he was the vice-president, who by the way, got us into two of those “endless wars” which they all voted for and supported. Liz Cheney has spoken out against a move that placates Vladimir Putin. Who wants our troops out of Germany? Russia and Republicans. If Trump win reelection, expect a similar move on the Korean peninsula and quite possibly Japan.

Like I said, Republicans have issues with women who speak out and disagree with them. Take Ted Yoho as an example. Yoho, a congressman from Florida, confronted New York Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, on the Capitol steps and told her she was “disgusting” for suggesting that poverty was driving crime in New York City.

Poverty doesn’t just drive crime in New York City. Poverty drives crime everywhere. It’s true that rich people engage in criminal activity also like operating fake charities, fake universities, engage in tax evasion, refuse to pay contractors, pay off pornstars, engage in emoluments violations, concoct schemes to bribe a Russian president, ask other countries for bribes of awarding golf tournaments at their shitty resorts, and sexually assault women, but it is poverty along with systemic racism that contributes to crime. But, I’m sure Mr. Yoo-Hoo, being from Florida knows so much more about New York City than a woman representative from New York City.

As Mr. Yoo-Hoo was walking away from Ms. Ocasio-Cortez, he said, (you’re going to love this, kids) “FUCKING BITCH.”

What did this MALE congressman call a FEMALE colleague? A “FUCKING BITCH.” What was that? “FUCKING BITCH.” That’s “disgusting.”

Later, he offered a non-apology denying he said “FUCKING BITCH” and when he said “FUCKING BITCH,” he wasn’t talking about Ms. Ocasio-Cortez. Also, in his non-apology, he didn’t mention her name. The hero of this story rejected his apology because it was not an apology and tweeted, “But hey, ‘bitches’ get stuff done.”

on Tuesday, Ocasio-Cortez posted a clip on Instagram from the Doja Cat song (I’m writing about it like I know what that is) “Boss Bitch.” She wrote, “You know what we say when fragile men call us bitches because we stand up for ourselves and other human beings? Shine on, fight for others, and let the haters stay mad.”

The haters have been mad ever since Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez won her race for Congress. They have repeatedly attacked her and have lied about her positions. The thing is, Yoho is just the only one to be caught saying out loud what all the other male Republicans want to say.

The real irony here is male Republicans call women bitches after they all volunteered to be Trump bitches.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Infecting Monuments


CNN07052020

Here’s your cartoon for this week’s CNN Opinion newsletter. Please sign up to get these in your inbox every Sunday.

Here’s a question: Has anyone checked to see if Donald Trump’s trip to South Dakota was paid for by the Trump Campaign, or was it officially listed as a “presidential” (sic) trip thus sticking us with the bill for his hate speech?

Donald Trump went to South Dakota for an early July 4th celebration last Friday. The event was held at the foot of Mt. Rushmore where the Republican governor declared social distancing would not be enacted (chairs were literally tied together to prevent social distancing) and face masks were optional. From the videos of the event, very few face masks were worn.

As is tradition with Donald Trump, he gave a hate speech casting his reelection campaign as a battle against a “new far-left fascism” seeking to wipe out the nation’s values and history. Donald Trump is betting his reelection on Confederate statues and instead of expanding his base, tightening his extremely small support of racists, white supremacists, klansmen, and neo-Nazis.

Trump said, “Our nation is witnessing a merciless campaign to wipe out our history, defame our heroes, erase our values and indoctrinate our children. Angry mobs are trying to tear down statues of our founders, deface our most sacred memorials, and unleash a wave of violent crime in our cities.” He barely mentioned the coronavirus which I’m sure several lucky winners in attendance would be leaving home with.

Donald Trump ignored his own White House guidelines for large gatherings for the South Dakota and Saturday’s Washington, DC crowd. Trump told his faithful on Friday, “We will not be tyrannized, we will not be demeaned, and we will not be intimidated by bad, evil people.”

But, Donald Trump, you are the one doing the tyranny, demeaning, and intimidation. You, Republicans, and your cult are the bad, evil people. If you, Donald Trump, were on the right side of this fight intending to land on the right side of history, you wouldn’t have lie and campaign on hate and fear.

Hopefully, in the future, nobody will be tearing down statues of Donald Trump because there won’t be any to begin with. That’s because Donald Trump is no hero.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performer busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

Sniveling Corona Cowards


cjones05192020

I’ve always liked the actor Kevin James. I liked his show, King of Queens, and thought he did a great job and matched well with Will Smith in Hitch. Heck, I even liked Paul Blart a little. Granted, everything else he’s done has kinda sucked, but I still liked him. He’s always seemed like an everyman kinda dude. Now, I like him a little less.

Kevin James’ latest production is the worst thing he’s ever made. Yeah. Even worse than Paul Blart 2. It’s worse than Grown Ups. It’s even worse than Grown Ups 2. It’s probably worse than that movie where he talks to zoo animals. I say probably because I haven’t seen it but it looks pretty bad. Do you want proof his latest thing is bad? The conservative Trump cult fucknuts love it.

James has a YouTube channel where he posts short films. His latest film is about two men on the run from the authorities for being out in public without wearing masks and for shaking hands. Seriously.

There are now 86,000 deaths in this nation from the coronavirus and Kevin James has joined all those idiots crying about their “freedom” when nobody has taken their freedom. Despite nobody being arrested for not wearing a mask or for shaking hands, James has joined in with the shitweasel brigade and the Flat Earthers. I understand satire but I also understand propaganda. This tilts more toward the latter. This is some real Ben Garrison shit.

These idiots who scream about their liberties and storm state capitals with guns, Nazi symbols, and nooses, NEVER speak out when a black man is profiled or killed by the police. They NEVER speak out when voting rights are denied to non-white American citizens. They NEVER defend free speech except whenever a university disinvites a Nazi from speaking on their campus. But now, they have a new hero in Kevin James. Congratulations, Kevin. You’re in the same club as Ted Nugent and James Woods. Heck, you’re in the same club as the worst Baldwin brother, You know. Whatsisname Baldwin brother.

These people who have watched Red Dawn too many times act as though their purchase of a gun is supporting the Second Amendment. They believe carrying an assault weapon with them everywhere they go, whether it’s Chick-fil-A or the state capitol building, defends their Second Amendment Rights.

These gun nuts who describe themselves as “Constitutionalists” only know one Constitutional Amendment. And even then, they bastardize it by ALWAYS omitting the “well-regulated” part. Anytime you mention “regulation” in the context of guns, they scream you’re taking away their Second Amendment rights despite the fact “well regulated” is literally in the Second Amendment. I swear. Look it up.

But, if their buying a gun reinforces their Second Amendment rights, then me telling them they’re all a bunch of racist Kool-Aid drinking cultist knuckle-dragging treasonous Putin-Loving dumbasses reinforces my First Amendments rights.

Keep in mind, the people who believe being “forced” to wear masks and closing the country is all designed to steal their freedom and punish Donald Trump also believe Climate Change is a hoax.

Now, they’re saying you’re a coward if you don’t leave your house without a mask. Why look how brave they are by going outside without a face covering. Why look how brave their president (sic) is being the only one not wearing a mask while visiting a PPE plant or a factory that actually makes masks. They are so proud. I’m sorry but I don’t think stupidity is something to be proud of.

The people staying home and wearing masks are the true patriots. They’re not just protecting themselves. They’re protecting you even though you don’t deserve it.

The real cowards are supporters of Donald Trump. They’re afraid to leave their houses without assault weapons and they vote for a guy who runs on a campaign of fear. Trump supporters are afraid of everything.

But then again, calling us “cowards” for doing the right thing and protecting our nation is once again them projecting. We need to protect our nation from the coronavirus and all…

…we need to protect our nation from gun-toting sniveling coward Trump supporters.

Tip Jar: This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From the Trumpster Fire

Watch me draw.

How’s It Hanging?


cjones04142020

If your erection for Donald Trump has lasted over four years, seek medical help.

If you follow everything Donald Trump says to the point that you will follow his medical advice, go talk to a real doctor before it’s too late.

If you’re still downplaying the coronavirus and believe it’s a Democratic hoax created to hurt Donald Trump, go find a crowd to mingle in. I hear the beaches in Georgia are open.

If you’re fine with Donald Trump ignoring an incoming pandemic after repeated warnings and are now making excuses defending him, talk to an analyst.

If you call the press “fake news” and the “enemy of the American people,” believe that facts are things designed to hurt Donald Trump, that he has never told a lie, or base your opinions on conspiracy theories, seek professional help.

If you’re fine with a president basing how much medical aid a state receives on how much the governor has flattered him, you suck.

If you’re cool that the president focuses less on a response to a pandemic and more on TV ratings and if he’s “number one on Facebook,” go watch an Andrew Cuomo press conference to see how a real leader behaves in a crisis.

If after four years, you’re still fine with nepotism, grifting from the Oval Office, not seeing tax returns, violating emoluments, stealing from charities, praising Putin and Nazis, attacking women, racism, being in love with North Korean dictators, declaring Canadian cheese a national security threat, feuding with NATO, not understanding the nuclear triad or how tariffs work, lying about a wall, stealing money for the wall, losing negotiations to Pelosi, narcissism, throwing babies in jail, or cult worship in the White House where every sentence has to begin with “Thank you Mr. President, for your leadership,” then you need a personality transplant because you’re an asshole.

If you’re still citing, “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor,” but ignoring, “Everyone who needs a test gets a test,” go fuck yourself.

The thing is, you should have given up on Donald Trump a long time ago. If your erection lasted after “largest crowd sizes,” your condition may be terminal.

Tip Jar:

This pandemic is hitting everyone, including your favorite goofy cartoonist. I have lost clients and I’m afraid I might lose more. The PayPal button has always been included here for those who can and want to voluntarily support what I do. I understand this time is hard on everyone. If you can’t, don’t contribute. Take care of yourself and your family first.

But, all and any help is greatly appreciated and it helps keep me going. Think of me like a street performing busking out tunes on a corner (I won’t play “Wonderwall.” I promise). If you like the tune, or in this case, toon, throw a buck into the tip jar. It’ll help me play another song, draw another toon, write another blog, make another video, and post another snarky post on social media. It’ll help keep me alive. You can also order a signed print for $40. And if you don’t like the PayPal option, you can snail mail it to my P.O. Box. 

You can purchase a signed print of this cartoon.

New Book: Tales From 

Watch me draw.

Cashing Thank-Yous


cjones04032020

It’s important that we thank people but it’s not important that you get thanked. Do you understand this? It’s like this: It’s more important to give than it is to receive. Got it? Even my Republican readers? Probably not, but here we go.

Being thanked and appreciated is important to all of us, but it’s really important to Donald Trump. He’s like the six-year-old that only invites people to his birthday so he can rub it in their faces, forgetting that everybody has birthdays. At his party, he has to be the one to pop the pinata (metaphorically here as he wouldn’t have anything Mexican at a party). He has to have the most cake (not metaphorical).  Donald Trump craves adoration and recognition to the point that a psychiatrist would leap out a window. It’s why he hates The New York Times so much. He wants to be recognized by elites and sophisticated people as one of them, but he’s stupid as fuck all.

The other thing is, Donald Trump wants to be rewarded, thanked, and given recognition for shit he didn’t do. It’s like the economy. Trump supporters give him credit and thank him for fixing a “broken system” and a “mess” he inherited. Never mind the fact that Obama pulled us out of a recession that the last Republican president created. Never mind the fact Obama created more jobs in his last three years than Donald Trump did in his first. Never mind the facts we’re headed for a recession now, no president has ever had over 3 million people file for unemployment in one week like Donald Trump just accomplished, or that it’ll be another Democrat pulling us out of another Republican recession. Fact. Fact. Fuckity Fact. Fact.

Trust me on this. Donald Trump isn’t capable of bending over and pulling up his own socks less enough pulling us out of a recession.

And Trump’s supporters are totally gaslighted. One of the fucknuts commented on my video yesterday, literally thanking Donald Trump, for the FDA approving the use of a malaria drug to combat covid19. That is cult worship. Never mind the fact that the last time Donald Trump mentioned a drug with “chloride” in the title, one of his stupid followers died ingesting a chloride fish tank cleaner and his wife is in critical condition. That’s some Jim Jones shit there. Yeah, thank Donald Trump for that, dingus.

Now, it’s come up that Donald Trump wants his signature on the checks being disbursed as part of the $2 trillion stimulus package. What do you want to bet when the deficit is still huge after he leaves office, that Republicans refuse to acknowledge his signature signed off on that?

Here’s a fact Trump supporters and Republican shitweasels don’t know because it’s a fact: The president, even when that president is Donald Trump (sic), doesn’t allocate spending. At least, he’s not supposed to (though he’s fighting in the Supreme Court to change that).  Congress allocates spending. Nancy Pelosi has more control over what money goes where than Donald Trump. If anyone’s name should be on the check, it’s Pelosi’s or even, ugh…Mitch McConnell’s signatures.

But, Donald Trump wants his signature on the check. Why? Because it’s a great campaign tool. If you’re in the cult now, wait until you literally get a check with Donald Trump’s signature on it (but then again, they may not cash it because they’ll want to frame his signature). And just like money from the Trump Foundation that actually went to legitimate charities (when it wasn’t used to pay off legal fines, purchase Trump portraits of himself, or bribe ditzy blonde Florida Republicans), it’s a check bearing Trump’s signature that isn’t from his own money.

We are getting a check from our own money with his signature on it. And we’re supposed to thank him?

Donald Trump is using taxpayer money, increasing our debt, as a campaign tool. Will it happen? Yes. He’s already done it with the Center for Disease Control guidelines that went out last week. His name is on the envelope and presents it as “President (sic) Trump’s Coronavirus Guidelines For America.” Never mind the fact that “President” (sic) Trump isn’t following those guidelines for himself.

How does one even have the gall and lack of shame to broach the subject of putting his signature on the check? Does it start with, “So…what signature will be on those checks?” I doubt it. I’m sure it’s something else Donald Trump demanded, like at every meal when he has two scoops of ice cream and everyone else has one.

What’s more disgusting about this than our money going to help promote his orange stupid ass, and more disgusting than his cult will thank him for sending them a check, and even more disgusting that these are the same fucks who scream about Bernie promising “free stuff” turning us into a socialist nation like Venezuela, is the fact that Donald Trump is the last person who should be thanked for anything accomplished against the coronavirus. That’s like thanking Herbert Hoover for pulling us out of the Great Recession (why not? He was a Republican).

This is a man who failed to prepare for it and instead, denied and downplayed it. He even called it a conspiracy and hoax being used against him by his enemies. Now, he says he always knew it was a pandemic (go watch my video).

Donald Trump wants a thank you…for a job he didn’t do. In fact, he wants to be thanked for failing. But thanking Donald Trump for his response to the coronavirus…

…That’s a check Donald Trump’s ass can’t cash.

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MAGA Virus


cjones02162020

Is MAGA contagious? Before Trump won his party’s nomination, the majority of Republican officeholders were against his candidacy. Lindsey Graham called him a racist. Paul Ryan said his comments were the definition of racism. Nikki Haley said his “siren call” was dangerous. Ted Cruz called him a “sniveling coward.” Marco Rubio made fun of the size of his penis. Now, they’re all infected and they’re giving him whatever he wants. Now, Marco Rubio probably knows the size of Trump’s penis.

The one good thing about the MAGA virus is that it only infects stupid racist people who never had a conscience. If you’re afraid of minorities or anyone who speaks a language that’s not “American,” you’re susceptible to the MAGA virus. If a woman with an opinion intimidates you, it may be terminal. If a factual news report has you screaming “fake news” and calling the free press “enemy of the American people,” you should probably start wearing a human-sized condom. If Vladimir Putin gives you an erection, take two aspirin and call someone else in the morning. I’m not answering.

If you’re a non-white person, the good news is that there is a very low chance you will catch the MAGA virus, unless you’re washing dishes at Mar-a-Lago. For the most part, it only affects white people. Usually, only rural white people. It doesn’t affect urban areas as much. Maybe concrete is a deterrent…or books.

The MAGA virus is very serious and extremely dangerous to our nation. Those affected don’t care about emoluments, patriotism, facts, nepotism, or the U.S. Constitution. They believe in conspiracy theories over facts and believe a reality TV show host who believes you need a photo ID to buy cereal is the best choice to lead the nation.

About 3,700 people are quarantined on a cruise ship in Yokohama, Japan, with 136 of them infected with the Coronavirus. Maybe we should take the same tactic with the MAGA virus.

We could put every person infected with the MAGA virus on boats, push them out to sea and wait until the sickness has passed. Or, after we push them out to sea, we just don’t worry about them anymore.

On a side note: I really think Celebrity Cruises should stop playing “White Rabbit” in their commercials until the quarantined ship crisis in Japan is over. If nothing else, the cruise line’s choosing of that song gives me the feeling I won’t finish their cruise with both kidneys.

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