Tom Brady

Covid Cheater

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We often treat sports as politics and politics as sports. One difference is you may be so tribal that you can’t admit fault with your political party, but you’ll continue to cheer on your favorite sports team while criticizing the coach, owner, quarterback, and maybe even the entire organization. But you knew you are talking to a real zealot when a person defends Tony Romo.

Sports is like politics in that you get think it’s wrong for a president to issue executive orders, except when he’s your president. It’s like cheering a holding call is against the other team…but complaining when your team gets it.

Sometimes politics is like religion and you’re a member of a party because that’s how you were raised. Maybe if your daddy was a fucknut troglodyte, he never acquired the ability to think critically and he passed it down to you. Most people practice the same religion as their parents. And a lot of people a fans of the teams their parents supported. Basically, people put the same emphasis on choosing a religion as they do a sports team.

There are people who like teams because of the colors, logo, players, etc; most people support a team from their region. I’m one of those. I grew up mostly in Louisiana and I am a New Orleans Saints fan. I also grew up partly in a Chicago suburb and for some reason, the Bears didn’t get to me but the Cubs did. But I like the Saints which means I hate the other teams in the division which works out because there’s nothing to like about any of those teams.

The Atlanta Falcons suck. The Carolina Panthers suck. And for the love of God, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers suck. If the Bucs didn’t play the Saints twice a year, I’d still hate them. Years ago, they fired their coach, Tony Dungy, who had rebuilt them from being the doormat of the league to a team that went to the playoffs repeatedly. But they fired Dungy because he didn’t get them to the Super Bowl. The very next year, with the team Dungy built, the Bucs went to the Super Bowl with John Gruden. John Gruden never built a good team again but to this day, a lot of people think he’s a football genius for inheriting a team someone else built. By the way, Dungy is black and Gruden is white. That’s probably not a factor here but isn’t it indicative of that this country does, a white man taking credit for something a black man built? Go ask Donald Trump about that economy he built.

And in case you don’t follow sports, after Tampa fired Tony Dungy for not getting them to a Super Bowl, he was hired by the Indianapolis Colts, another doormat piece-of-crap franchise, and took them to the Super Bowl.

But I hate the Buccaneers…and I really don’t like Tom Brady. So naturally, the two paired up. Naturally, they’re going to the fucking Super Bowl.

Why would anyone hate Tom Brady? Because he’s Tom Brady.

Tom Brady is a whiner. He whines after every play that doesn’t go his way. What’s worse is, it works. Did you see the NFC championship game against the Packers? Did you see the playoff game against the Saints? And even if he doesn’t whine, I swear there’s a bias from the refs when it comes to Brady or the team he’s on. There are a lot of calls that aren’t called…and a lot of calls that shouldn’t have been. About a decade ago, when Brett Favre lost a championship game, the NFL changed some playoff rules that would have sent him to the Super Bowl. If Brady would have lost against the Packers, I would have expected the league to create another Brady rule. Yes, the league created a rule to protect Tom Brady from getting hit. This was before he started letting air out of his balls.

Tom Brady played for a team that cheated, the Patriots. There was Spygate, where the Patriots filmed other teams’ practices. Then, there was Deflategate, which got Tom suspended for four games which he fought in federal courts for nearly a year. Brady played for a team that cheated…and Brady cheated.

Tom Brady is just lucky in life. He married a supermodel. He’s been to ten Super Bowls. There are entire teams that haven’t been to one Super Bowl (Lions, Browns, Texans, and Jaguars), yet Brady’s been to ten. Then he goes to Tampa, a team that’s sucked since their last Super Bowl and in his very first year, he gets them back to the Super Bowl. They lost twice to my team last year, yet beat them in the playoffs. The dude is just lucky.

A new reason to hate Tom: He has a company that sells vitamin supplements. During the coronavirus pandemic, Brady started selling at $45 a bottle, a non-FDA approved, homeopathic medley of vitamins that allegedly will “activate your immune system.” And then…you’re gonna love this shit, kids…the company got nearly $1 million from the first Coronavirus relief package. Our tax money gave Tom Brady, who is worth around $200 million, a million bucks to hawk his snake oil. Technically, it’s a loan, but since he’s Tom Brady, he’s not gonna have to pay that loan back.

And on top of everything already listed, Tom Brady is a Trump supporter.

And now, Tom is going back to the Super Bowl at 43 years of age, looking like he’s 23, and he should be the underdog going up against the team that won it all last year, the Kansas City Chiefs. But since he’s Tom Brady, there’s some supernatural shit happening when teams play against him. Also, he has home-field advantage. No team has ever played at home during a Super Bowl. But naturally, the game is in Tampa…in the Buccaneers stadium. Fuck life. I mean, have they already put Tom Brady’s name on the trophy yet?

Now I don’t know if Tom Brady has received a vaccination for the coronavirus, but since he’s Tom Brady, it wouldn’t surprise me.

So I never did like Tom Brady. But now, I hate the guy. And if you don’t hate Tom Brady, why not?

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Snoozer Bowl

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Wow! Super Bowl LIII. The Rams! The Patriots! Tom Brady! Bill Belichick! Jared Goff! Maroon Five! How exciting…not so much.

While the game and halftime show bored everyone, and the MVP went to the Patriots’ Julian Edelman, and shockingly not to a punter, the stars of the show were Harrison Ford and his dog. Honorable mentions go to Forest Whitaker and astronaut brothers Mark and Scott Kelly.

They say defense win championships. And unless you’re a soccer fan, they also provide boring games. The Rams had eight consecutive punts and even set a Super Bowl record for longest punt. Put that on your mantle. The lone touchdown of the game didn’t arrive until the fourth quarter, with the Patriots eventually winning the lowest-scoring Super Bowl in History, 13-3. Surprise! The Patriots won. Thanks for watching.

At least we had the halftime show. Hey, five points to anyone who can name a member of Maroon 5 who’s NOT Adam Levine. Time’s up. Maroon 5 has hits, but have you heard what qualifies as hits today? White boy soul music is about as thrilling as a football game full of punts. Maroon 5 was the consolation act after several others turned the slot down in protest of the NFL’s blackballing treatment of Colin Kaepernick and keeping him out of the league for the past two seasons, merely for speaking out against racial injustice. Even SpongeBob SquarePants couldn’t liven up the halftime show. Yes. I said “SpongeBob SquarePants.

Oh, you’ve never heard of Maroon 5? I’m sure you’ve heard one of their tunes if you’ve ever been to Walgreens (I stole that joke from Twitter). Even if you won’t remember any of their songs you’ll never forget shirtless Levine’s tattoos looking like NASCAR product placements. At least he stopped before he got the Nixon.

One person tweeted that the game was so boring, it was the Maroon 5 of Super Bowls (I stole another joke).

Now, the lucky winners get to go to the White House and hang out with Donald Trump and cold hamberders, which might explain why both offenses played so poorly. Except, the Patriots will probably enjoy going to the White House. Owner Robert Kraft is a friend of Trump’s and recently stated that he’s “working very hard to serve the best interests of the country.” That sort of compliment will get you a berder.

So, if you’re not like 99 percent of the nation and hating the Patriots already, you have a reason now, or another reason to hate them even more…if that was possible.

People are tired of the Patriots playing in Super Bowls. They’re kind of tired of Boston winning championships in general as it’s only been 75 days since their last major league championship. At this rate, people are going to start hating the Red Sox more than they hate the Yankees. Not only did we have to endure another Patriots win, but we had a boring game out of it.

About the only thing that would make us hate seeing the Patriots with Trump at the White House is if they invite Maroon 5 to come along.

Be Complicit

What kind of person would want to be part of something that disparages, slanders, and disrespects Dear Leader and his sycophantic followers? Hopefully, you. 
Making a contribution supports my work and keeps the cartoons, columns, and videos coming. My income is from newspapers that subscribe to my work and small contributors. George Soros hasn’t sent me a million dollar check in weeks. Making a contribution of any amount, or buying a print for $40.00, makes you part of this specific resistance, and a member of Team Claytoonz (we’re still working on the name). You are complicit, an accomplice, and in cahoots (and whatever gangster terms we can think of) with this political satire pointing out that the stupid emperor has no clothes. Contributions can be made through PayPal, checks, and wads of cash exchanged in back alleys.
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Gorsuch’s Grabs

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The most ludicrous thing about hearings for Supreme Court nominees is that they pretend they’ve never read a legal opinion in their life. Thus, they have no view of any court decision. Ever. Roe versus who now?

If we were to actually judge someone’s qualifications based upon their confirmation hearings I doubt there would be anyone sitting on the court at all.

Neil Gorsuch comes off as smooth and charming and appears to be a rational person. How rational can anyone willing to be associated with Donald Trump actually be? Trump promised to appoint someone who’ll repeal Roe Vs. Wade. Gorsuch says all court decisions are precedents, as if they can’t be overturned. Beneath the smoothness and charm lies a right-wing extremist waiting to pounce on those who need protection the most. The man has a history of supporting corporations over people.

Gorsuch is fortunate to even get a hearing. Senate Republicans refused to grant one to the last nominee because he was nominated by a Democrat. Republicans have effectively stolen this seat. Gorsuch will be confirmed.

Senator Chuck Schumer says the hearings should be halted as we shouldn’t confirm a judge to the court who was nominated by a president currently under an FBI investigation. He has a point as everything Donald Trump touches is tainted.

If anything involving Trump and his disloyalty to the United States goes to the Supreme Court, can we trust a judge he nominated? I don’t want to find out but we probably will. As disgusted you may be over the fact Trump is president, the fact he’ll leave a stain on the supreme court for the next 30 years is vomit inducing.

The other thing I had fun with here is the story of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s two Super Bowl jerseys being returned after they were stolen. It seems they were swiped by a Mexican journalist. Two things Donald Trump hates. Mexicans and journalists.

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Breaking Blackberrys With Brady

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I didn’t really have much of an issue with the FBI’s report from their interview with Hillary Clinton other than her breaking Blackberrys. Is it “Blackberrys” or “Blackberries” when it’s plural for the product? Much like with the FBI report I’m not going to lose sleep over it.

A lot of people are making a big deal that Hillary responded with “I can’t remember” 40 times. Most of those were to answers over specific emails she received years ago. I can’t remember emails I received earlier today.

A lot of times I’ll open an email and see it’s really long and I kinda scan it, close it, and move on with my life. A day later I think I should probably respond because it’s a fan and it’s not like I have a lot of those and then I scroll through my inbox trying to find it. It’s brutal. If you’re one of those who sends me those, sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m gonna get a few emails about this paragraph. I’ll at least get one about that whole Blackberry plural thing. I do appreciate that anyone wants to spend time writing me. I just suck. I don’t even like answering my phone.

If you ask me any details about the content of an email I probably won’t remember unless it was about payment or a cartoon reprint. I do that with actual verbal conversations in the real world too. Ask my friend.

The report mentioned that Hillary had staffers destroy her Blackberry with a hammer. Apparently it’s not uncommon to see someone outside the state department destroying a communication device. I’m not clear on how many phones were destroyed. I have an old Nokia stuck someplace in storage from 2003 and it has company from every cell phone I’ve owned between then and today.  There’s stuff on those devices I don’t want anyone to see. Mostly drunk texts. But it never occurred to me that I should destroy them. Probably not a bad idea.

It occurred to Tom Brady. During inflategate he had a ball boy or some locker room minion destroy his cell phone with texts regarding his balls. Brett Favre once had the same issue but that was over a different type of balls.

I thought it might be a fun time to pick on Tom Brady again since the NFL’s regular season starts Thursday and Tom is suspended from playing the first four games. He’s like the Dallas Cowboys all by himself because no one is ambivalent about the guy. They either hate him with a passion or they want to have his babies.

My last few cartoons were kinda heavy and dealt with race issues so today I wanted to take it a little easier. I don’t want my clients destroying the devices they use to receive my cartoons.

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Cartoon For Seattle Times: Bellevue Football

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Here’s the latest cartoon I drew for The Seattle Times, which ran today.

Bellevue is a high school football team and they’re a powerhouse. They’re constantly ranked among the best nationally in the USA Today poll. They have won the state championship 11 times between 2001 and 2013. An independent investigation has issued a report that the team has been violating rules for years.

They have been accused of having players who don’t live in their district and boosters paid tuition at a private school for players. In addition, the report says the coach “directed and encouraged” Bellevue football players to take classes at a private alternative school “to obtain minimum grade standards” needed to maintain their eligibility to play. One football player described the school as a “day care” for athletes.

As you can imagine, Tom Brady isn’t liked anywhere outside New England. It’ll be interesting to see what sort of response this cartoon receives.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Deflategate Deflated

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A federal judge threw out Tom Brady’s four game suspension and totally vindicating Brady proving his innocence. That’s what his defenders are saying and of course it’s not true.

The one who really came out on trial in federal court was NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. The judge had issues with how the NFL investigated, didn’t give Brady notice of his suspension or access to evidence and investigators. The NFL’s evidence is circumstantial. Goodell makes between $35 to $45 million a year. Lately he’s been sucking at his job.

Did Brady cheat and deflate footballs? Probably.

In the real world to convict someone for murder you need the body or the murder weapon. In this case all Goodell had was Tom Brady’s balls.

FBI’s Fun With Fifa

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Get ready for more balls jokes.

I have to draw Soccer balls at least once a year. Each time I have to look up images of them so I can get the diagram correct. I’m such an American that I don’t have the same problem with footballs, baseballs, or basketballs.

I wonder if there will be more Americans tuning into the FBI’s investigation than the actual sport of soccer. I still don’t understand that yellow card thing.

I expect to see other cartoons comparing this to Deflategate. I also expect a few yellow card cartoons. I didn’t mind having fun with this issue without really hitting it with a hard opinion. Most of my work does that so I don’t mind taking it light once in a while where I don’t really upset anyone….except people in New England.

Tom Brady Is Playing Dumb

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It’s kind of nice to draw a cartoon that’s not about riots, police brutality, terrorists, Texans.

I woke up Thursday morning with an idea on this subject that I really liked. I didn’t want to draw a deflated football or to actually indict Tom Brady. The report is that he “probably” was aware of the footballs being deflated, though not proving his guilt. I do think it’s a little unrealistic that he didn’t know. I also think he totally flaked Thursday night when he was finally questioned about it. He could have been up front with stating he didn’t want to talk about it. That would have been a lot more honest than pretending as though he hasn’t read the NFL’s report.

Back to this idea I woke up with: Somebody else did it first. Usually when someone has a cartoon that coincides with a thought of mine I get real down about it, mope all day and I don’t get another idea I can live with until 1:00 AM. This time the cartoon that beat me to the punch was drawn by a cartoonist I respect so I tried not to let it get me down too much.

So around 1:00 AM I finally got my idea. The report came out Wednesday and I saw three cartoonists with two cartoons a piece on the subject. There were a lot of cartoons with something being deflated. I didn’t want to go there. From the two minutes Tom Brady avoided questions about Deflategate I felt he was really playing dumb. It took me several hours to realize that was my idea.

Sometimes when I’m dumb, I’m really not playing.