Jerky Jock Tests


It’s always disappointing to discover an athlete we’ve admired for years turns out to be a narcissistic condescending entitled asshole.

I used to admire Brett Favre. The odds were always against him in high school, college, and when he entered the NFL. He overcame all those odds, went to two Super Bowls, winning one. We love rooting for underdogs. Then near the end of his career, we watched him put himself before, not just his team, but the entire league while sending penis pics to women who did not want to receive penis pics (note: most, if not all, women NEVER want to receive penis pics). As a Quarterback, Brett Favre was amazing. As a human being, he’s a disappointment. While sending the penis pics, he was married with two daughters.

After he left the Packers, he was replaced by Aaron Rodgers who turned out to be a better quarterback than Brett Favre. He also seemed to be a better person. We liked him in those Allstate commercials with his teammate Clay Matthews. “I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away.” He seemed like a guy with a $19 million-a-year salary you could relate to. Then after several years, we discover he’s an antivaxxer taking medical advice from Joe Rogan. We discovered the guy lied to his team about his vaccination status and was a total worm with his excuses. He didn’t just endanger his team’s chances of winning but also put his teammates’ health at risk.

It was almost like that time we learned Tom Brady was a Trumper, except we already hated Tom Brady. Seeing Tom Brady in Subway commercials would make me want to never eat at Subway if I was a person who ate Subway sandwiches.
To be honest, I did order from Subway a few weeks ago and instead of receiving the Italian sandwich I ordered, they sent me a whitebread microwave-bacon mayonnaise sandwich. No, there weren’t any tomatoes, just bacon and mayonnaise. I think there was one black olive on it. Subway’s response to the complaint was…there wasn’t a response. I suppose when you order from Subway, it’s a gamble. Screw you, Subway, and your five-dollar footlongs. You and Brett Favre with the so-called footlongs. You and Tom Brady deserve each other. I’m still really pissed off about that sandwich.

But I digress.

Kyrie Irving is another athlete who put himself before his team by refusing to be vaccinated. Kyrie plays for the Brooklyn Nets and New York City has a vaccine mandate for sporting events (in case you’re a Republican Brooklyn is a part of New York City).

Kyrie shared a post on Instagram stating “secret societies are administering vaccines in a plot to connect Black people to a master computer for a plan of Satan.” He also believes the Earth is flat. I’m not making that up. If there is a Satan, he’s not fucking with vaccines. He’s at Subway making bacon/mayo sandwiches on white bread.

At first, Kyrie refused to tell anyone if he was vaccinated or not. Then, he said he was unvaccinated because he was protesting people losing their jobs over refusals to be vaccinated, except nobody’s actually losing their jobs over vaccinations. Kyrie hasn’t lost his. And why do the antivaxxers always get wormy and quibble with their reasoning? Why? Because that’s the kind of people antivaxxers are.

Now, because the Nets are plagued with injuries and his teammates are overburdened by covering for him, Kyrie is being allowed to play on a limited basis. He was brought back with only 22 games left in the regular season and he can’t play home games or in Toronto, which is another city with vaccine mandates.

Novak Djokovic is the reigning Australian Open champion. He flew to Australia to defend his title without being vaccinated. The Australian Open cleared him to play and gave him a vaccination exemption, even though they required everyone else to be vaccinated. The Australian government disagreed and canceled his visa, which stuck him in a quarantined hotel with real immigrants who have real problems.

Djokovic argues he’s exempt from vaccinations because he had Covid in December….of 2020…maybe. He claims he tested positive on December 16, 2020, but on the day after (in case you’re a Republican, that would be the 17th), he was pictured at an awards ceremony for junior players…and he wasn’t wearing a mask. Djokovic believes catching COVID gives you eternal natural immunity. The simple fact that people have caught COVID more than once proves this as false. Do you know who else believes that bullshit? Rand Paul. Somebody get him one of those bacon/mayo sandwiches and beat his ass with it.

So basically Djokovic believes he can enter while unvaccinated into a country that requires vaccinations to enter. He believes he’s entitled to go maskless while he’s positive for COVID. He believes he’s so special, that he doesn’t have to wear a face mask and should be allowed to risk infecting others. Somebody put this asshole in a Subway commercial.

Now an Australian judge had decided poor Novak has been treated unfairly by the Australian government (what did they do? Force him to eat at Subway? Do Australian Subways have vegemite sandwiches?) and has restored his visa, opening a path for him to play in the Open. But, the immigration minister could still cancel his visa, which would lead to an automatic three-year ban on his entering the country.

Trusting Djokovic on vaccinations and immunity is like trusting Joe Rogan when he tells you to take horse medication, which Aaron Rodgers did. Djokovic also believes you change the makeup of water and food by using positive thoughts. I should have tried that on the bacon/mayo sandwich. “You’re an Italian BMT, damn you!” The imagining your food shit was a thing in Peter Pan. It might work in Neverland, but here in the real world, you still got a shit sandwich.

These athletes feel they are entitled and deserve better treatment than ordinary people. Some of them even demand special treatment their teammates don’t receive.

When a voter for the NFL’s Most Valuable Player award said he won’t be voting for Aaron Rodgers because of his vaccination controversy, Rodgers called the voter a “bum.” Wah.

The voter said that Aaron Rodgers is a “bad guy” and “the biggest jerk in the league.” I totally agree. An MVP doesn’t put himself before his team. Aaron Rodgers might be the best quarterback in the league this year, but he’s not an MVP.

And someone should force him to eat one of those bacon/mayonnaise sandwiches.

Music note: When I opened my music player, it was already on The Beatles, which I listened to while walking to get groceries Saturday. So I just stayed on The Beatles while coloring this.

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MAGA Inside You


As it turns out, there is a cure for anything that ails you. Don’t look for it.

Donald Trump has the answer to the coronavirus. He said, “If we stop testing right now, we’d have very few cases if any.”

That means if you don’t weigh yourself, then you didn’t put on any pounds during the pandemic. Sure, you haven’t seen your penis in four months, but that’s probably just a little water bloating…or better yet, it fell off. Better as in, if you’re a Republican, you people need to stop breeding.

But, ya’ know…even stupid probably know it’s not the pregnancy test that gets you pregnant. That baby’s coming whether you test or not. And the same is true with the coronavirus…or any disease.

Donald Trump actually believes we would have fewer cases if we stop testing for the coronavirus. He is really desperate for the numbers to go down. Now, is that more to help his reelection or is it just because he wants to get out and stand before adoring fans and ramble like your crazy uncle? Yes and yes, even if it kills you. Donald Trump doesn’t care about you.

Even Mike Pence is in on it, arguing cases are going down in Oklahoma (where they are not going down), where Trump will have his first post-pandemic rally this Saturday. Pence even wrote an op-ed for The New York Times (which Trump says is failing yet they’re writing columns for) where he claims talk of a second wave of the coronavirus is “fear-mongering” by the media. But it’s the federal government, the one Donald Trump is executive of (sic), that warns of a second wave. The media is reporting. Pence has also encouraged governors to repeat the administration’s lie that testing leads to more cases and said, “Most of the cases where we are seeing some marginal rise in number, that’s more a result of the extraordinary work you’re doing.” Do what?

Does that mean if Donald Trump still has syphilis from the 1980s because he never tested for it, it’s because of some “extraordinary work?”

It’s not that simple (not the syphilis thing). According to that failing newspaper, The New York Times, in at least 14 states, positive cases have outstripped the average number of tests that have been administered.

It is a head-in-the-sand strategy. Hey, if it works for ostriches then it should work for Republicans.

The Trump administration shut down two websites on open government and removed 40,000 data sets from another. For several weeks, the administration blocked the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention from issuing its guidelines for reopening.

In Florida, the Republicans in charge of the state fired the head of its virus-data website after she objected to the removal of records showing people had symptoms or positive tests before the cases were announced.

In Georgia, Republicans reorganized the state’s data in ways that made things look better than they were.

In Arizona, the Republicans attempted to stop the running of models showing the virus spreading.

In addition to all that, the administration and right-wing propaganda sites have spent the past few months telling us the deaths from coronavirus are exaggerated. These are the same people trying to argue that the cop’s chokehold wasn’t responsible for killing George Floyd.

Fighting a pandemic is hard work which is why Donald Trump and other Republicans don’t want to do it. It’s extremely difficult to take on a task if you don’t understand it. It’s hard to tackle a complex problem when you’re a fucking moron. You know, the kind of fucking moron that asks if drinking bleach will kill the virus.

And Donald Trump is wrong. There will not be fewer cases of the coronavirus if we simply stop testing. Just because Donald Trump is ignorant of something, doesn’t mean it’s not out there. An example of this is the world of stuff Donald Trump has displayed he knows nothing about.

If ignorance truly was bliss, Donald Trump would be the greatest president we’ve ever had.

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