TedC16

The Wrath Of Apples


cjones04202016

Have you seen those Redd’s Apple Ale commercials? Someone doesn’t know what to order and he’s suddenly struck in the side of the head by an apple, so he orders the beverage. I assume it’s red alcohol which has to taste like crap because that’s how red soda tastes. I’ve never seen anyone drink one but I imagine it’s consumed by bearded, beanie-wearing hipsters when they can afford something better than PBR.

Creepy Ted Cruz has been bragging about his winning streak. How he’s won five states in a row and Trump is fading. He was really silent tonight following his New York collapse. He was chased out of NYC faster than Washington was by the British (I was a history major, yo). Now everyone is making him out to be Texas toast…or in his case, cooked like Canadian bacon. I’m on a metaphorical roll tonight.

Cruz crashed and burned in the Empire state. He got zero delegates and only 15% of the vote. John Kasich won more than he did and people are going to forget that guy’s name next week. Now the primaries go to Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island where Cruz may lose all five states.

Cruz keeps making the argument that Trump can’t win the nomination without 1,237 delegates, which is a bizarre argument when he has about 200 fewer than Trump. How do you tell the convention that Trump’s better numbers disqualify him, but your sorrier state of numbers should promote you? That would be like Kevin Hart saying Michael Jordan isn’t tall enough (I was originally going with Gary Coleman from Diff’rent Strokes, but he’s dead and Kevin Hart is much more current. Plus, it seems everyone really hates Kevin Hart). I’m also baffled when he talks about the large voting block that has voted against Trump, ignoring that far more people have avoided voting for Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz is fortunate that those who have actually voted for him haven’t had to spend a minute in an elevator with him, which would make for great punishment for voting for Ted Cruz.

Cruz’s only strategy is to prevent Trump from securing the nomination. It’s not even about convincing people to vote for Cruz, just so long as they don’t vote for Trump. If they do vote for Trump then make sure he doesn’t get the delegates. The primaries are not about democracy. What’s democratic about a caucus anyway?

This race is amazing. Ted Cruz is the stupid smart guy snaking delegates. The front runner doesn’t know what he’s doing. The guy who could give Hillary Clinton the tightest race has only won one state, which he’s governor of. And get this: without someone securing the nomination then the convention starts off as a party without a host. The nominee’s campaign can’t schedule the event. It’s going to be like a drunken orgy without the fun of a drunken orgy, not that anybody wants to see a Ted Cruz-Donald Trump orgy, and nobody could possibly get that drunk. Sorry if I just put that into your head. One detail that should be added to the event is special recognition for Heidi and Melania for having to sleep with those guys.

One detail that should alarm Cruz and the Stop Trump movement is that Trump didn’t refer to Cruz as “LyEn Ted” during his victory speech. He actually called him “Senator” which is something we often forget he is. If Trump isn’t intimidated by you anymore then you’re in trouble. Trump can’t spell and he confuses 9/11 for seven 11.

I do hope Ted Cruz learned something about New York Values this week. Chris Matthews, who sucks at analogies, actually described it perfectly tonight. You can’t call the place Gomorrah and then go pandering for their vote. That’s like saying “yeah, I called you a big fat greasy ho, but I meant it in a nice way.” Now Matthews will repeat that line every three minutes for the next four weeks.

A colleague of mine made a comment last week that his Ted Cruz caricature was looking a lot like Quagmire from Family Guy. I’ve been getting that comment for at least a month. He’s Quagmire without the giggity.

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Another Cruz Conquest


cjones04032016

Ever since the National Enquirer reported that Ted Cruz is a Senatorial stud muffin and has had five affairs, the presidential candidate has not denied ever having an affair.

Oh sure, he’s had righteous indignation which he delivers with a plagiarized script, but no denial. So I was thinking someone should ask him if he’s ever boinked the governor of Alabama. Sorry for putting that terrible image in your head.

Ted Cruz is not someone anybody wants to picture getting busy in the bedroom. Neither is Republican Alabama governor Robert Bentley. To make matters even worse, recordings of Bentley have been released of him talking dirty. Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Bentley is a governor with a deacon persona. Recently his wife filed for divorce and then the recordings between him and his political adviser, Rebekah Mason (who had also served as his campaign manager), were leaked.

Now there’s all sorts of illicit details concerning the governor. Stuff like the governor hiring private jets to avoid a passenger manifest, purchasing “burner” phones, sharing a safety deposit box with Mason, and paying her through a 501 (c)(4) organization instead of having her on the state payroll.

So maybe a reporter can ask Senator Cruz if he’s ever “winked, winked, nudge nudge” with the Alabama governor. If for no reason other than sheer amusement. That can keep us entertained until the D.C. madam’s lawyer releases a huge lists of her clients next week which supposedly will have consequences on the presidential election. Oh you didn’t know about that? Yeah, that’s about to happen.

All I can say to that is “woo hoo!”

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

 

Angry Birds


cjones03272016

Are Angry Birds still a thing? Is the game still popular? Are you still receiving annoying invites to play on Facebook?

During a speech in Portland Friday a bird flew into the auditorium and landed on Bernie Sanders’ podium. No pun intended, but Twitter went crazy and #BirdieSanders is still trending.

Talk about an opposite dialogue. People are charmed and amused by a bird landing on Sanders’ podium. Many think it’s analogous of the man and his campaign, which is the point my cartoon is taking.

Meanwhile on the Republican side of things….ugh. Do you have a barf bag? We have Ted Cruz stealing lines from the movie An American President to script his anger at Donald Trump. I think Cruz confused Michael Douglas movies and intended to quote Wall Street. We have a debate on Ted Cruz’s sex life. Seriously.. Donald Trump is back to insulting women. Ted is upset at particular women being insulted but not all. Hey, where are these guys and their outrage when someone makes a really bad vulgar joke about Hillary Clinton’s or Michelle Obama’s physical appearance? Hypocrites.

Back to nicer stuff for a day: The bird thing was really cute. Even I can appreciate something nice and sweet occasionally…and then I’ll destroy it with vultures and flying monkeys. The audience in Portland loved it too and roared with approval. I also learned today that it really ties in with the TV show Portlandia, which I have never seen.

I love birds. I worked in a zoo once (in another lifetime) and working in the birdhouse was part of my duties. I started every morning feeding the birds at 5:00 AM and I usually finished by noon. There were a lot of birds and they all had a different diet. You’d be surprised by how many birds are meat eaters. I’m talking about worms to raw red meat (usually horse meat). The flamingos were some of my favorites as I would make them follow and go where I needed them by clapping my hands. We also had a few primates in the bird house (we weren’t a well coordinated zoo) and I had to feed and clean after them too. Basically it was like feeding a bunch of raccoons.

My first idea for this cartoon was going to involve two panels (like it still does). In the first panel it would state “birds love Sanders.” and in the next panel it would read “Trump loves the bird” and Donald would be flipping his middle finger. Then I saw some people make comments similar to my idea on social media. What really killed it for me was seeing an amateur cartoonist draw the same idea…and pretty well too. So that obvious idea went into my garbage pail along with the Sharpie and correction fluid pen I killed last night.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!