Stop The Steal

Vive Le Loser

Cjones07292021

Fact: Mike Pence did nothing…NOTHING…to prevent the United States men’s basketball team from losing to France. Oh, sure. He might give you some weak excuse that there’s nothing in the United State’s Constitution that empowers a vice-president to prevent an Olympic basketball loss, but I think that’s just a poor excuse for being disloyal.

I went to my local post office yesterday. I’ve gotten to know the people who work there. The guy behind the counter asked me if I’ve been watching the Olympics and I told him I have. I’ve watched badminton, horses, diving, volleyball, skateboarding, and the night before, I was watching the USA men’s basketball team take on France. I watched the game while I was eating taquitos at a place down the street and I left during the second period. So, I didn’t finish the game. I asked the mail dude, “How bad did we beat France?”. He said, “France won.” I thought he was fucking with me.

If you had asked me before the game who would win, I would have told you the United States. In fact, I would have told you the USA men’s team would go undefeated and tear through the Olympic tournament. When you look at who we have on our team, that guy from the NBA and that other guy from the NBA…and then there’s that other guy from the NBA, it’s impossible for us to lose. Basketball was invented here and nobody produces players like we do, like that other guy from the NBA. No other nation has as rich of a basketball culture as we do. Based on that, I refuse to believe we lost that game to France.

Also, another reason to refuse to believe we lost to France is because it’s France. We have a basketball culture. They have a culture of cafés, snooty waiters, body odor, mistresses, Jerry Lewis, mimes, croissants, and horny cartoon skunks. They cannot beat us. We’re ‘Murica, baby.

So, based on my feelings and not the scoreboard, we won that game and it was stolen from us. There are a lot of facts to support my belief it was stolen from us. Feel free to make these go viral if you wish.

Fact one: Mike Pence didn’t stop it. He did absolutely nothing to help USA win this game.

Fact two: The scoreboard was plugged into an electrical socket. Do you know what else plugs into sockets? Internet routers. Do you know who else has the internet? Italians. Italy probably used their satellites to beam something (we’re still working on this) back down to Earth (which is flat in red states) into their routers to manipulate the scoreboard.

Fact three: Italy and France share a border which means those two nations are probably a lot closer to each other than either one is to America. Bastards! With your help, we can finally expose this.

Fact four: Nobody knows how many cheeses there are in France. Some say it’s 1,600. Other says it’s over 3,500. I’m not sure how this impacted the game but we have Sidney Powell on it right now.

Fact five: The score of the game, supposedly, is France-83 and USA (God’s country)-76. The year 1776 was the birth of our nation. The Treaty of Paris, officially ending the American Revolution, was signed in…wait for it…1783. By “rigging” the game to end at 83-76, France was mocking us.

Fact six: Spain, who also shares a border with France, was one of the signers of the Treaty of Paris. We beat them in a war, and Spain colonized everything south of our border and gave them the Spanish language, which they’re now attacking our English language with. We’ll get Rudy on this connection. I bet it’s in a laptop someplace.

Fact seven: We got Florida from Spain…and they refuse to take it back.

Fact eight: France invented mistresses and the ménage à trois which was done on purpose to tempt and destroy Donald Trump. But the joke’s on you, France, because Republicans are hypocrites and they don’t care if Donald Trump violates every single belief they’ve been promoting for the past seven decades. So, HA-HA!

Fact nine: France refused to help us invade the wrong country after 9/11. And they had the gall to even criticize it. Plus, they raised tariffs on French fries, French toast, and French bulldogs.

Fact ten: After World War II, France chased out all the Vichy French which makes France Antifa.

Fact eleven: France invented democracy which stole the election from Trump.

Fact twelve: This is all we need to prove the game was rigged against us. The athletes playing for France…I hope you’re sitting down for this…are not American citizens. I checked and I’m pretty sure France is an entirely different country. This is going to surprise you Trumpers, but it’s also on a different continent. Can they legally play basketball against the United States? Didn’t anyone check their IDs before the game. Those players probably prefer France over America too.

This is probably the biggest scandal since Watergate and is the crime of the century. What we need to do is have the score audited by Cyber Ninjas (not real Ninjas because they’re from Japan, which I’ve been told is also a completely different country from us where English is not the most common language. Heathens). I’m sure they can multitask and do it while recounting the Arizona ballots. They should probably be nearly finished auditing those ballots anyway since the election was nine months ago and they’ve been counting for three.

After Cyber Ninjas (not the ninjas from Asia, where covid was manufactured with Dr. Fauci at a Chinese Wendy’s) finishes their scoreboard audit, several months from now, and they deliver the results we want, the USA men’s basketball team will be reinstated as gold medal winners. And if we don’t get what we want, then we’ll storm the Olympics and stop the steal. Who cares if the Olympics is contaminated with covid. People who love ‘Murica and Lee Greenwood songs ain’t afraid of a little covid.

Anything we lose that we don’t want to lose shouldn’t be counted. That’s how democracy is supposed to work. And if we can’t win the game, then let’s change the rules. We can start by putting the baskets for black French players in hard-to-reach places where nobody wants to go, like Idaho. We can also demand every French player have an American ID. And, if they’re not American, then they can’t get an American ID. Also, nobody is allowed to give them water or Gatorade during timeouts. Finally, all scoring is to be tabulated only by English-speaking Americans who would never eat little thin pancakes (God hates tiny pancakes).

By the way, did you know Larry Bird is from a town in Indiana called FRENCH Lick? The conspiracy widens.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Kevin’s Slim Pickens

Cjones07132021

A friend of mine used to hold a July 4th pool party every year…until one attendee got drunk and pooped in the pool. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence the pool pooper is a Republican. But nevertheless, no more July 4th pool parties. And pooping in the pool is exactly what House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy plans to do in the January 6 Committee.

The first attempt to have a commission to investigate the white nationalist MAGA terrorist insurrection on the Capitol Complex passed the House with very little GOP support, and died in the Senate. Republicans claimed they voted against it because the commission, with equal representation by both parties and each having full subpoena powers, would be too partisan. Before the vote, Democrats gave Republicans EVERYTHING they demanded before they could vote for it…and they still voted against it.

It’s kinda like taking your kids shopping for back-to-school clothes, and they refuse to participate. So after you’re done shopping for them, they get a hair up their ass because they don’t like the clothes you picked, which looks like that cheap-looking checkered suit Matt Gaetz wears. In this example, your kids are right to complain, you monster.

In Congress, Republicans, after being given everything they asked for, still voted against it. Even though they voted against it, we still need to get answers for the January 6 MAGA tiny-dick terrorist attack. So, Nancy Pelosi held a vote for another committee and this time, Republicans don’t have equal representation or subpoena power. Boo-hoo, fucknuts.

Of course, now they’re going to complain and campaign that they weren’t given equal representation and subpoena power. They will gaslight that they were never given a choice.

Kevin gets five picks and Nancy gets eight. Even better, Nancy can veto Kevin’s picks. And from looking at the names being tossed around by the tossers, she may need to veto every one of them.

Originally, Kevin threatened his members and said if they accepted an appointment to the committee, he would take away all their other committee assignments. Republicans are already afraid of this committee. They want all talk of the racists-for-Trump terrorist attack to go away. Talking about it can hurt the entire party in the 2022 midterms, upset the MAGAt base, and upset Donald Trump. If any Republican takes it seriously and ask serious questions like, “How many Nazis-for-Trump were in the riot?”, then Donald Trump may primary them.

Kevin is also afraid of who this committee may have questions for. Kevin is afraid they may subpoena Kevin. Also, the committee may subpoena Mo Brooks, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump Jr, and even Donald Trump. Keep in mind, it’s a crime to lie to Congress. Mo Brooks is currently using defending himself in a lawsuit for inciting the riot with the argument he was lying about the election being stolen in his capacity as a federal official.

The problem for Kevin is: Do Republicans refuse to work with the committee and risk coming off as disinterested in protecting our nation from terrorists, or do they do the jobs they were elected to do and risk pissing off the racist MAGAt base and Trump in the process?

The answer for Kevin is to go ahead and allow Republicans to join and to make sure they’re poo-flinging howler monkeys, and in the House, there is no better poo-flinging howler monkey than Jim Jordan.

First off, Kevin can’t pick people like Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, or Marjorie Taylor Green. They can’t even pretend to be serious in addition to being too stupid for the committee. Appointing one of those shitweasels will only serve to embarrass the GOP…which should already be embarrassed.

Kevin plans to pick shit stains like Jim Jordan who will use the committee to deflect from the white nationalist terrorist attack. Nancy should veto the selection of Jim Jordan. She should veto anyone who voted against certifying the election. Every member who voted against certifying the election voted against democracy. They voted with the terrorists. In fact, it’s illegal to be in Congress after you supported enemies against the United States of America. Every single one of those Republicans who voted with the terrorists should be removed from Congress.

When people are elected to Congress, they take an oath to protect our nation, not to protect terrorists. The Republican Party and Kevin McCarthy have chosen to protect terrorists over their nation.

Republicans accuse this committee and Democrats of being partisan about January 6. It is now partisan. One side is partisan to democracy. The other side is partisan to terrorists.

Nancy, please don’t allow any supporters of terrorists to sit on this committee. Let them fling poo on their own time. If they want to shit in a pool, there’s one at Mar-a-Lago.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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MAGA Terror Hoarder

Cjones05182021

I’ve been to Washington, D.C. a lot but I’ve only physically been inside the Capitol once. I’m the kind of tourist that once I do something touristy, I don’t want to do it again. I was in line at Graceland once and overheard some Elvis freaks talking about that visit being their fifth or some shit like that. Trust me on this, nobody needs to see the Jungle Room twice. Three TVs. Oooooh. Also, mirrors on walls don’t actually make rooms look larger, more claustrophobic. If you’ve been to Graceland more than once, seek help. Going to Memphis more than once is bad enough to throw a Graceland trip into it.

My Capitol visit was back in 1999 with my wife (at the time) and a friend of hers who was visiting for a few days. Since 1999 was a long time ago, I don’t remember everything but one of my most vivid memories that day was walking through Statuary Hall in the Capitol, where each state is represented by a statue of one of their most historic figures, and that King Kamehameha looked out of place since he was the only non-white guy at the time and also in a loin cloth (In case you’re a Republican, Kamehameha represents Hawaii). Another vivid memory from our Capitol visit is that we walked through the door without much in the way of security at all. Granted, this was before 9/11, but it was pretty relaxed. We walked in without a tour group, without a schedule, and just roamed around for an hour or so.

I also remember getting lost while trying to leave the city and I didn’t want to tell the two ladies we were lost, so I kept pointing stuff out as we passed it saying stuff like, “And there’s the Watergate…everybody ooh and ahh…ooh and ahh…and there’s the Smithsonian…again.” That doesn’t have anything to do with this subject, but it still amuses me. And if my ex reads this, she’s probably thinking, “I knew it!”

What I don’t remember from that day was breaking through a window or having to beat down Capitol Police to gain access. I don’t recall anyone being maced or having their fingers bitten off. I don’t recall anyone vandalizing the place. I don’t remember anyone being beaten with a flagpole. I have zero memories of any tourists urinating and defecating on the floors and smearing it on the walls. I don’t think any tourists sat down at the Speaker of the House’s desk or stole his (Dennis Hastert at the time) podium. I don’t think 400 tourists were arrested from that visit. I’ll ask my ex later if she remembers anyone chanting to hang the vice-president.

Maybe the reason none of that stuff happened during my visit to the Capitol was because everyone visiting was a tourist…not a terrorist.

During a House hearing this week, Republican dipshit congressman Andrew Clyde, from Georgia, said, “Watching the TV footage of those who entered the Capitol and walked through Statuary Hall, showed people in an orderly fashion staying between the stanchions and ropes taking videos and pictures. If you didn’t know the TV footage was a video from Jan. 6, you would actually think it was a normal tourist visit.”

The orangutan in the 1970s Clint Eastwood movie, “Every Which Way But Loose,” was also named Clyde, but he’s probably changing it now so there’s no confusion with Andrew Clyde.

Clyde, the congressman and not the orangutan, said, “Let me be clear: There was no insurrection.” The orangutan just rolled his eyes.

Let me be clear, the Republican Party is defending terrorists. They’re sitting in the very same building terrorists attacked while defending them. When you attack a government in order to change its leadership through a bloody coup attempt, you are a terrorist. What happened on January 6 is the very definition of an insurrection. Involved with the insurrection were racist groups like Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, and One Percenters. These groups weren’t planning on protesting outside. They schemed to bust in and attack the Capitol.

Michael Jensen, principal investigator at the National Consortium for the Study of Terrorism and Responses to Terrorism at the University of Maryland said, “Normal Capitol visits don’t include individuals armed with zip ties, bear spray, and blunt objects,” or violent clashes with police. Typical Capitol tourists don’t smash windows, loot offices, or deface Capitol property. Those types of things happen during insurrections, which is what January 6 was.”

Brian Levin, director of the Center for the Study of Hate and Extremism said, “A tourist is someone who travels for pleasure seeking, cultural interchange or advancement of knowledge about different places and its inhabitants and does not have a political or criminal purpose. The people who rioted included insurrectionists and others who committed federal crimes for a political purpose to obstruct the legal operations of government. I hope people now don’t just apply that logic to recast John Wilkes Booth as a theatergoer.”

Being that Clyde, (not the ape) is from Georgia, he just might recast Booth as a theatergoer. Also, since Booth shot Lincoln, the former guy the party’s image was cast in, Clyde (the stupid congressman) might be all about it.

The leader of this group of terrorists attacking the Capitol building was the former president (sic) of the United States of America who sent them in order to cling to power. He sent them to overturn an election he lost. He is still perpetuating the lie he won the election. The majority of the Republican Party believes this lie and promotes it.

When Republicans like Elise Stefanik says she’s supports “President (sic) Trump” and that he’s the leader of their party, and an “important voice to the Republican Party,” she’s praising a terrorist leader. People like Stefanik don’t have integrity or honor.

Donald Trump ordered an insurrection to take place at the Capitol and the majority of the Republican Party is more loyal to the terrorism, the lie, and cult than it is to this nation. Those in the party who are not loyal to the cult are removed from their leadership positions and booed at GOP events.

Republicans can gaslight all they want, but what happened on January 6 was a terrorist attack instigated by Donald Trump with complicit actors in Congress.

Let me be clear, the MAGAts attacking the Capitol on January 6 were not tourists. They were terrorists. Even an ape could tell the difference.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have Three copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Unreasonable, Deranged Lunatic

Cjones03272021

Quickly after the election, which Donald Trump LOST, attorney Sidney Powell joined Donald Trump’s legal team that was trying to steal the election away from Joe Biden. Sidney came with the impeccable credentials of being Michael Flynn’s lawyer where part of her legal defense was that he was framed by a “deep state plot.” She sent a letter to then-Attorney General William Barr asking him to investigate the investigation, and he did. Then the Justice Department attempted to drop the prosecution. Eventually, Trump pardoned Flynn…before he LOST the election to President Joe Biden.

This brilliant legal strategy of Qanon conspiracy theories landed her a position on Trump’s legal team where she argued Trump actually won the election he LOST and it was stolen in a plot conducted by communists, globalists, George Soros, The Clintons, the deceased Hugo Chavez, the CIA, hundreds of Democrats and even Republicans like Georgia governor Brian Kemp. Somehow, the Mickey Mouse Club escaped an accusation.

Sidney Powell conducted press conference after press conference, including the infamous one next to a porn shop with Rudy Giuliani when his head started dripping axle grease or some shit. Sidney also lost lawsuits in multiple states. Her conspiracy theories got so crazy, the Trump legal team officially dropped her and said she was acting “independently,” yet she continued to file lawsuits. While she wasn’t officially on the legal team anymore, she was still meeting with Donald Trump in the Oval Office where she suggested such brilliant tactics as declaring martial law to overturn the election he LOST .

Sidney promised she would reveal a “Kraken” of a plot to steal the election from Donald Trump which she called, “The greatest crime of the century if not the life of the world.” According to Sidney Powell, stealing the election from Donald Trump was worst than the Holocaust, the Black Plaque, the Inquisition, the coronavirus pandemic, Japanese internment, 9/11, New Coke, the Guns and Roses album “Chinese Democracy,” the CATS! movie, the Crocs fad, the KFC Double-Down chicken sandwich, and Ted Cruz’s face.

Twitter banned Powell for pushing Qanon conspiracy theories. Michigan and the city of Detroit (in case you’re a Republican, is a city in Michigan) filed separate motions in federal court to sanction Powell for attempting to overturn the election Donald Trump LOST .

During Sidney’s charade of a stolen election that Donald Trump actually LOST, she slandered Dominion Voting Systems and Smartmatic. Both companies demanded she retract her statements. Fox News and Newsmax, two networks that had promoted the bullshit campaign, started walking back the conspiracy theories.

Dominion and Smartmatic are now both suing Sidney Powell for defamation. Dominion is seeking $1.3 billion. Smartmatic is suing Powell, Rudy Giuliani, Fox News, Newsmax, and several idiot hosts from Fox for $2.7 billion. The companies may not get as much as they’re seeking, but they’ll probably win their lawsuits and in the process, Sidney Powell is likely to lose her license to practice law. I think she found her Kraken.

Think of it. If she’s too deranged to be on Twitter, then what the hell is she doing practicing law?

Now, Sidney’s lawyers, who I hope are better than she is, are arguing in court that no “reasonable” person could believe Sidney’s bullshit.

They filed a motion arguing, “No reasonable person would conclude that the statements by Powell about the 2020 election were truly statements of fact.” They continued this ridiculous argument with, “It was clear to reasonable persons that Powell’s claims were her opinions and legal theories.”

They’re arguing she should not be responsible for the shit that comes out of her mouth. You’re representing a lawyer, not a three-year-old or a drunk at closing time. Wait. Was she drunk?

Sidney’s lawyers argued Dominion could not prove Powell took action with “actual malice”, because “she believed the allegations then and she believes them now.”

So, no “reasonable” person could believe Sidney’s claims about the election being stolen by Jews, commies, Clintons, and Chavez were facts, but they were her legal opinions and she truly believed in them. I think her lawyers argued she’s not a reasonable person.

They’re also arguing she based her “legal opinions” on bullshit that no reasonable person could believe. Doesn’t that mean she should not be practicing law? Shouldn’t your legal opinion be something that reasonable people could believe? You didn’t see OJ’s lawyers argue Nicole was murdered by Hugo Chavez.

I agree with her lawyers. No reasonable person could believe anything Powell said about the election being stolen. Only fucking deranged lunatics would ever believe any of the debunked bullshit Sidney said. But, some lunatics did believe her bullshit. In fact, a lot of lunatics bought into her scam.

One of those lunatics was the president (sic) of the United States of America who then directed thousands of other lunatics to storm the Capitol and attempt a bloody coup to overturn an election he LOST. People died because of this lie.

Today, Donald Trump is still pushing this lie Sidney helped spread. More than half of all Republicans still believe this lie. According to Sidney Powell’s legal team, the Republican Party consists of “unreasonable” people. Shit, we already knew that. I don’t think reasonable people could vote for Donald Trump. Fortunately for us, reasonable people outnumbered Republicans because Donald Trump LOST the election.

Donald Trump used Sidney’s lies to destroy our democracy and Constitution. I think Dominion and Smartmatic might have a case. It’s not their fault Donald Trump LOST the election.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have SEVEN copies of my book in stock, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Democrat Dreams

cjones02082021

When I heard the Democrats invited Donald Trump to testify at his senate trial for his impeachment, I was giddy with low expectations.

As a cartoonist, I could just imagine how much material Donald Trump would give me bringing his lies and conspiracy theories to a trial in the United States Senate. Can you imagine him sitting in the chamber talking about how the election was stolen from him by illegal voting machines? Can you imagine him talking about voting machines controlled by the Clintons, Hugo Chavez, and globalists (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) swapping votes from him to Biden? Can you imagine him sitting there claiming he won states he lost?

The only thing that could possibly get me more excited would be if his defense lawyers were Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell. And if Rudy’s hair started running down his face while he was farting, I would probably lose my mind.

But of course, no half-assed decent lawyer would allow a liar like Donald Trump to walk into a perjury trap like that. How is it a perjury trap? Because if Donald Trump took an oath to tell the truth, it’s a trap under any circumstances. Even a Trump lawyer isn’t that stupid…not even the ones who haven’t quit yet.

Donald Trump actually wants his defense to center around the lie that the election was stolen from him.

But reality has set in for me.

Donald Trump will not testify. Rudy and Sidney will not be his lawyers. And even if he did testify and came off as guilty as hell without any doubts to it, Senate Republicans would still vote to acquit his lying corrupt ass. And all this cartoonist will get will be adults in the White House behaving maturely and seriously while enacting policies that make total sense. Sad face.

But a cartoonist can still dream. I have been known to laugh in my sleep.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: I have an order of 20 copies of my book (11 are left to purchase) on the way, which I’m selling for $45.00 each, signed. The books won’t arrive until after the new year, but orders are being taken and they’ll be shipped as soon as I receive them. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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