Russian Dossier

Conspiracist-in-Chief


cjones11012017

I gotta be honest. I wasn’t that intrigued about the release of the JFK files. I didn’t think it would reveal anything new to us and at the most, just give more credence to already-existing conspiracy theories, or even create new ones. On that score, I was right.

Right-wing dumbasses are the biggest consumers of wacked-out conspiracy theories. Over the past nine years, how many times did you hear someone say Obama is a Muslim, or he’s taking everyone’s guns away, or that he’ll even refuse to leave office after his second term was up? Did you hear about Hillary’s lesbian lover or the child-sex slave ring she ran out of a Washington, D.C. pizza shop? Don’t get them started on chemtrails. Seriously. Do NOT get them started on chemtrails. No wonder the Russians had such huge success dropping lies on our nation during the presidential campaign.

The release of the JFK files did create some new conspiracies, furthered existing ones, and revealed a little information. There were a few details on Robert Kennedy having an affair with Marilyn Monroe (didn’t we already know that?), The CIA plotted to kill Castro (didn’t we already know that?), someone called the FBI threatening to kill Lee Harvey Oswald the day before he was killed (we didn’t know that), the CIA intercepted a call from Oswald to the KGB (that’s new), the FBI was worried people would create conspiracy theories about the murders (yeah), the Soviets were creating their own conspiracy theories, an alleged Cuban intel officer said he knew Oswald, and the FBI was looking for a hooker/stripper (haven’t we all done that?).

And of course, there’s no bigger conspiracy buff and bullshitter than our joke of a Commander-in-Chief. This is a man who peddled a lie that Ted Cruz’s father was a part of the plot to Kill Kennedy, Obama was born in Kenya, and that the National Enquirer should be winning Pulitzers. Also, his promise of being presidential still hasn’t come to fruition.

The guy is still creating conspiracies, though now he’s using them to distract from Robert Mueller’s investigation.

Sunday, the orange one tweeted, “Never seen such Republican ANGER & UNITY as I have concerning the lack of investigation on Clinton made Fake Dossier (now $12,000,000?),….”

Sure. There’s been a lack of investigations on Hillary Clinton, the most investigated person in American history. Thinking there haven’t been enough investigations on Clinton is like thinking Trump doesn’t use enough Aqua Net. Though it is true the GOP is united when it comes to stupid bullshit and fear mongering.

The president is supposed to be an informed person, so you’d think he would know as well as anyone that running opposition research on your opponent isn’t illegal, whether you spend twelve bucks on it or twelve million. You may argue that she used a foreign source. That is true, but it’s a foreign source who was working as a private citizen, and last time I checked, Britain is not a hostile government to the United States, but give it time.

Plus, Trump should be very informed about the legalities of running opposition research since he did it himself. They did host Russians, who were promising dirt on Clinton, in Trump Tower. People working for his campaign contacted Wikileaks to gain access to Clinton’s email. Trump himself publicly asked Russia to help with his campaign and shouted “I love Wikileaks” while reading their leaks at a campaign rally. The orange fuck was literally reading from Wikileaks documents in his hands at rallies. Also, how many Trump goons had meetings with Russians they later conveniently forgot about?

Trump is shouting “banana.” Have you seen that CNN commercial where they show an apple and tell you that many people will claim it’s a banana? Some people will put it in all caps and at some point you may start believing it’s a banana. That won’t change the fact that it’s an apple. Trump is yelling “banana.”

What Trump does is tweet out some stupid bullshit that doesn’t make sense, and then Fox News and other Republicans like Jack Kingston (former Georgia congressman and a RIDICULOUS Trump sycophant) take to the airwaves to repeat his ridiculous nonsense. If you’re going to lie then could some of it be plausible and make sense? If Trump floated a theory that there were too many squirrels in Central Park and Hillary was seen with an acorn, these guys would go on TV demanding a Congressional Hillary/Squirrel investigation.

Trump also bitched about the uranium deal and wants Clinton investigated for that. The only problem is, Clinton probably didn’t have anything to do with it. Sure, Russians donated to her CHARITY years before, but you would need evidence of a direct correlation that it was a payoff, which is really hard to do since nine agencies approved the deal.

I think we should investigate the uranium deal, but not for corruption as much as for actually understanding it, because a lot of people don’t.

First, the Russian nuclear agency acquired a majority stake in a Canadian-based company that had a licensing deal for 20% of our uranium. This was approved in 2010. In case you’re bad at math or a Republican, that was seven years ago. The deal was approved by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission with the Treasure Department being the key agency that headed the committee that approved the investment. The only person who could have blocked the deal was President Obama, not Hillary Clinton. It would be really hard to connect Clinton to the deal unless you don’t use facts. Banana.

The bizarre part is that all this is evidence Trump claims is “modern day Watergate,” while all the crap his campaign did, which I mentioned previously, is “fake news,” and a “witch hunt.” Also, Trump is meddling in investigations as he urged a gag order to be lifted in the uranium case. There’s a Justice Department rule, unwritten, that the president doesn’t get involved in their cases, but I guess we’re becoming a “banana” republic. This informant will now be able to testify before Congress and further help deflect from Trump fuckery. Banana.

Sarah Huckabee Huckster Sanders said Trump did this in the interest of transparency. She actually used the word “transparency” in relation to Trump? There has been more transparency of the president’s wife’s naked body than of his taxes. How dare they talk about transparency. Thank god George H. W. Bush didn’t conceal his taxes and instead give us Barbara nude on a bear-skin rug.

The president loves conspiracies and now he uses them to deflect. His followers are using them too and will be left with credibility equivalent to those yelling about alien autopsies and Bigfoot. We can’t let them get away with this and win the information campaign by not using any information.

Don’t let them get away telling you it’s a banana when it’s an apple. That is how we’ll become a banana republic.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Dum-Dum Diss Dossier


cjones10292017

During the 2016 presidential campaign, Christopher Steele, a former MI6 operative compiled a dossier listing links between Donald Trump and Russia’s ongoing attacks against American democracy. Mainly, in how they were planting chaos in our nation and attempting to help elect Trump to the presidency…which is redundant.

Trump and his sycophants claim the dossier is “fake news.” There are parts of it that have not been confirmed, such as there is a tape of Trump hiring Russian hookers to urinate on a hotel bed the Obamas slept in, which does sound more believable than Ted Cruz’s dad playing a part in JFK’s assassination or Obama being born in Kenya. Other details from the dossier have been confirmed, like Russian trolls on the internet, hacking attempts, the disinformation campaign, and contacts between Trump’s goons Michael Flynn, Michael Cohen, and Paul Manafort with Putin’s press secretary, Dmitry Peskov and a dozen others Russians. Other goons showing up in the dossier are Wikileaks’ Julian Assange, Green Party candidate Jill Stein, and even a Russian pop star.

When Wikileaks was releasing emails from the DNC, much of which contained fabricated information, conservatives argued that it didn’t matter how the information was gained, and only what was in it was important. Now, they’re crying about how some information has been gained.

One question that has persisted over the dossier, which has been referred as “The Trump Dossier,”The Russian Dossier,” and “The Steele Dossier,” is…who paid for it? Christopher Steele didn’t do the work for free. He’s not a political cartoonist content with likes on Facebook.

Coming as a huge shock to no one, the Hillary Clinton campaign and the DNC picked up the tab…or in this case, resumed the payment for it. Oh my gosh! How horrible! A political campaign paid for an opposition report on their opponent. This is treason! This is unheard of! This should be the biggest story of the day and there should be 88 congressional investigations and let’s not ever talk about Russians helping Donald Trump win the election ever again. Lock her up!

Bullshit.

This is an example of a the term I have come to loathe. It’s a nothing burger. Yes, I am partisan. Yes, I don’t like Donald Trump. I wanted Hillary Clinton to win the election. But, if you told me that Donald Trump paid a former operative of the British intelligence, or former members of the FBI and CIA to run opposition research on Hillary Clinton, I would believe that’s business as usual. And, they probably did.

Yes, they probably did run opposition research into Hillary Clinton, in addition to trying to dig up dirt on her through….I’ll give you one guess…RUSSIANS!!!!

Yes. Yes. Yes. These scumbags are bitching about Clinton paying for opposition research while they were hosting Russians in Trump Fucking Tower who promised to deliver dirt on Clinton. And, then they spent months lying about it. Many people from the Trump campaign had contacts with Russians and then lied about it. Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort, Carter Page, Jeff Sessions, Michael Flynn, Roger Stone, Felix Sater, Donald Trump Jr all had connections if not direct meetings with officials of the Russian government. But, hey. It doesn’t stop there.

Cambridge Analytica is a data analytics company that digs shit up. They were working for Donald Trump’s campaign. As it turns out, Cambridge’s chief goon contacted Julian Assange, the Wikileaks fucker currently hiding in a Ecuadorean embassy in London so he doesn’t get deported to Sweden for raping a child, in an attempt to collect Clinton’s 33,000 emails she lost while she served as Secretary of State. Golly gee willikers. Your campaign attempted to collude with a hacking source linked to Russia for political dirt on your opponent. The Trump campaign says this is not a big deal as they didn’t rely on this firm after Trump won the nomination. The funny thing is, he sure paid a lot of money to a firm he wasn’t relying on. After he won the nomination, the Trump campaign paid Cambridge over $6 million.

So, Trump and his goons attempt to do some illegal shit. Then, they attempt to do some more illegal shit. Then, Trump himself publicly asks Russia to do some illegal shit. Then, Trump reads Wikileaks’ leaks of DNC emails in public, which is some more illegal shit….and now these bastards are screaming about Hillary Clinton’s campaign and the DNC doing something very legal and common in politics, which is running opposition research. Illegal shit versus legal shit. Which one is the scandal?

What they’re not screaming about is who got the ball rolling into this dossier. As I said before, Steele wasn’t working for free. Somebody was paying this guy and before the Democrats even knew about it. How did this come about?

Fusion GPS, another firm that digs up shit, was paid by Republicans to dig up dirt on Trump. Yes, Republicans started this very legal thing to find dirt on Trump. This isn’t uncommon either. Campaigns often dig up dirt on their primary opponents. In case your memory sucks, every Republican except for Jeff Sessions hated Donald Trump before he won the nomination. You can’t blame them. It was only after the nomination that each and every single one of them turned into ass-kissing, cowardly sycophants handing their balls over on a silver platter.

When it is finally revealed who paid for the dossier, things in D.C. might get a little awkward. I can’t wait.

Can you imagine the outbursts if it turns out the Republican National Committee, then chaired by future and now fired White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus? How about Ted Cruz? Cruz started the campaign loving Trump…which turned into hate after Trump accused his father of killing JFK and said his wife looks like an ugly broom-riding ho. OK, he didn’t use those words, but there was a serious implication in a tweet that she was less than attractive. I do believe the words Cruz used to describe Trump were “sniveling coward.”

It might turn out that the Jeb Bush campaign paid for it, and that will disappoint me greatly. It won’t be a scandal as much as it will be boring. We already know Jeb hates Trump. Jeb and the Bush family aren’t going to lose any sleep if Trump hates them more and sends out a nasty tweet. Nothing awkward there. But, if it’s someone who turned into a sycophant, I’m gonna need a lot of popcorn. If it’s Cruz, that might make Steve Bannon go after him. Hell, maybe it was Melania.

It’s not a surprise the Republicans don’t want it revealed which one of them paid for it. But, it puzzles me that the Democrats and the Clinton campaign didn’t come forward sooner. Why should they care? They didn’t do anything illegal. It’s not unethical. They should be proud of it. Fusion GPS came to them when the GOP guys lost every reason for it…and they probably had the Clinton’s and DNC’s attention at “pee-tape.” I’d be intrigued.

So, to sum up: So what? Clinton ran opposition research on a guy trying his damnedest to run some illegal shit with Russians. When you hear the hypocrites trying to make something out of this, just keep in mind how full of shit they’ve been over the past year. They’re trying to make you forget that after Trump denied Clinton’s accusation that he would be Putin’s puppet, that he invited Russians into the Oval Office at Putin’s request, declassified information gained from an ally to the Russians, allowed the Russians to bring recording equipment into the Oval Office while denying American press access, allowed Putin to bring the translator to their meeting at the G20, and hasn’t initiated Congressional sanctions against Russia yet despite it being weeks after the deadline. The bastard even thanked Putin for kicking American diplomats out of Russia.

The fact is, the real scandal and investigation are over Trump’s collusion with Russia. Don’t let them steal focus on that.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.