Russian Collusion

Facebook’s Collusion


cjones09092017

At this rate, I’m kinda expecting a revelation that Mark Zuckerberg was at the Donald Trump Jr. Russian meeting.

Like you, I’m constantly annoyed with Facebook while utilizing it on a daily basis. The bothersome stuff, while annoying me, doesn’t affect my life in the slightest…or it didn’t until now.

I’m the type of person where a messed-up food order at McDonald’s won’t faze me, while I’ll watch a good friend of mine use the opportunity to go ballistic, and the next thing you know he returns an hour later from his food run with my Big Mac and the full story on how he unloaded what-for and made a 16-year-old struggling with acne cry. While I’ll get over that there are pickles on my sandwich, other little things will totally piss me off.

I’m annoyed with the petty stuff on Facebook. Your food pictures irk me. Why do you do that? Am I supposed to be impressed you ordered sushi? Do you want an “attaboy?” One of my friends posts nearly every single meal she eats. She once posted a picture of cereal. I shit you not. But c’mon. Any doofus with opposable thumbs can put a sandwich together.

Another annoyance; vacation pictures. Vacation slides have been joked about, derided, and hated ever since the photo slide technology was invented. It was why people in the 1970s couldn’t get their friends to come to their dinner parties. Nobody wants to see your vacation photos. I’m telling you this as your friend. Cut it out. You have turned Facebook into one, long, boring vacation slide. I don’t even need to know you went on vacation, but if I do know then I’m going to assume you enjoyed yourself. I don’t need the pictures of you giving the devil-horn sign with your tongue out while you’re at Sandals. I’m not against vacations and I hope to take one again someday…but if I do take one, I know without a doubt that nobody is going to need evidence that it actually happened. OK, maybe in my case they will.

Tagging your location isn’t just annoying, it’s stupid. Like the vacation pics, you’re just bragging about how great your life is, and convincing no one. What you’re actually doing is making stalking you very convenient and alerting burglars that right now is a great time to break into your house. And thanks to Facebook they know what breed of dog you have.

Other annoyances are game requests (I don’t want to play Candy Crush with you), Facebook Live notifications (I get these things from people I didn’t even know I was friends with), the vague post (which are the only type of posts my teenage nieces give and I never respond to, because I’m afraid they’ll tell me), the social experiments (the “let’s see how far this posts can go” and the “if you love Jesus, you’ll share.” Fuck you), pokes (people still do that and I still don’t know why), selfies (We get it. You’re pretty and insecure), and political memes. I hate political memes. I could easily write another 1,000 words ranting about political memes.

Some people hate political posts or that cartoonist who shares his cartoons every time one of his clients publishes them online. You have every right to hate those and, you can bite me.

But now, there is something annoying about Facebook that may have affected our lives. Russians.

Facebook was the target for Russian trolls and useful idiots sharing fake news during the campaign, but Facebook assured us that no foreign outlets were purchasing ads from them. And just like every single member of the Trump campaign, they had collusion with Russia that they conveniently forgot about.

Now, it turns out that $100,000 was spent on political campaign ads that Facebook has traced back to a “Russian Troll Farm.” I don’t want the troll farm image in my head, but I think that crop is yielding in the White House. Also, expect more revelations about Russian ads. I don’t believe for a minute that it stopped at $100,000.

Russians didn’t just purchase a few ads. They engineered these things to select certain demographics and particular regions. For example, white housewives in Wisconsin. Investigators want to know if they had any help from U.S. political operatives who may have pointed them in which direction to target these demographics. Maybe, but the American operatives working for Hillary Clinton weren’t smart enough to go after demographics in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. Anyone with a basic understanding of math with a copy of an electoral map should know where to target political ads, and where the stupid people live.

Most of all, I believe this destroys an argument Republicans and people in American intelligence agencies have been using. That argument is; Russian meddling had no effect on the outcome of our election.

Facebook says the Russians used the ads to “manipulate.” No shit, Sherlock. Every ad in the world is created to manipulate. How many will purchase a Kia this year because of Motorhead and a guinea pig? I don’t know, but someone somewhere believes that’s going to happen because they put a lot of money into that campaign.

Whether someone’s pitching Coca-Cola or Donald Trump, they’re not spending ad money just to blow through a budget. They expect results. I do believe that if a high tide throws an octopus into the backseat of my car through the sunroof that Farmers insurance won’t let me down….or that if I have Allstate then my children will be better behaved while we stand gleaming and lovingly together in front of the Statue of Liberty. But, not every ad works that well. Like, Domino’s telling you that their pizza doesn’t suck anymore, or Panera telling me that their salads are “clean,” or that new car commercial giving me the impression that I’ll find riding in a boxcar with hobos much more comfortable than their automobile.

The Russians expected their ads to work. They wanted chaos for their money and nobody can say that we didn’t get chaos. Nobody can say the Russians didn’t get the election results they wanted. We got a hell of a lot more than $100,000 worth of chaos.

I believe the Russians affected our election. We are a nation that gave us Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo-Boo, but I’m not entirely convinced that we’re dumb enough to elect Donald Trump as president on our own. I’d like to think we’d need a push. I know there’s a large portion of our nation who can be manipulated to vote for fuckery. We’re stupid. But are we stupid enough to do this on our own?

Mark Zuckerberg and all the other Facebook executives want us to believe they had no influence on the election. I’d try to believe that too if I wanted to sleep well at night. But, Facebook is worth over $435 billion dollars. Your social media platform doesn’t acquire that much wealth without it having some influence.

Unfortunately, Facebook isn’t just cat and food pictures. It’s a news outlet for many of us. It’s very influential. It’s also complicit.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

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Russian For Transparency


cjones07172017

I’m going to dinner with two of my best friends who are coming in from out of town, and I haven’t seen them in a really long time. So, column will come later.

Update 11:39 A.M., 07/15/2017

Here’s your column:

I expect any day now for Donald Trump to tell us that he’s not a tool of the Russian government and Vladimir Putin, who is actually a nice guy who is misunderstood….unlike that Moose and Squirrel who should die while exiled in Siberia!!!

I don’t know which is dumber. The right wing trolls who believe Natalia Veselnitskaya was a plant by the Democrats, or the Trump team telling us how transparent Donald Trump Jr. has been.

Even if Veselnitskaya was a Democratic plant, Junior still took the meeting. If she was a plant by Bigfoot and B.D. Cooper, he still took the meeting. If she was a plant by the Lollipop Guild and the Wicked Witch of the East, he still took that meeting. He went to the meeting, described beforehand as harmful information on Hillary Clinton from the Russian government. He took that meeting.

When he got the emails saying the Kremlin wanted his daddy to win, the trust-fund baby didn’t reply with, “What? Russia wants my father to win? Why would they want that? He’s a proud American patriot. That’s just crazy? They must have him confused with someone else because daddy Trump is an American first and would never be Putin’s bitch”. No. He replied with “I love it.” It’s like he was going to McDonalds for a Happy Meal. I’m lovin’ it! It’s as if he was already aware that the Kremlin wanted his dad to be president and serve four years with Putin’s hand up his butt controlling his every movement.

Trump defenders argue that Junior didn’t get anything out of the meeting and it was a disappointment. Well if you rob a bank and the safe is empty, that would be disappointing too but you still broke into the bank. And really? Disappointment? Darn. The treason didn’t work out.

The president says a lot of people would have taken that meeting. Yes. A lot of people without ethics with the intent to commit treason, which is how Trump defenders are sounding.

The president and his team also tell us that only Russian adoptions were discussed, as if that’s to ease our concerns. The president is either being dishonest or stupid with that explanation, which in his case can be both. When they mention adoptions what they are really talking about are sanctions. If they had dirt on Hillary Clinton, that’s quid pro quo. They wanted something in return for that. That also further explains why Vladimir Putin wanted Trump elected.

And quite frankly, you’re not transparent when you don’t reveal all the information at once. Junior went on Sean Hannity’s show, who was light on him, and said that there wasn’t any more information about the meeting. He had given it all. Then news is revealed that at least eight people were in that room. You had Junior dumbass, Jared “I want a secret cable from the Russian embassy” Kushner, Paul “let’s make a deal with Russia” Manafort, Ms. Veselnitskaya, a former Soviet intel officer who is now a lobbyist for that government, Rob Goldstone who is the Trump supporting Russia lover who set up the meeting, and two translators. Don’t be surprised if more details come out, like Putin was on the speakerphone.

Here’s the thing, Trump sycophants. I know you love Trump. I know it’s not about policy with you guys. I know you’re willing to lose your health-care coverage for him. I know it’s about the cult of personality, and has nothing to do with capable leadership. I understand you would rather be ruled than governed. But is it all that above patriotism for you? You gotta stop making excuses for traitors, really stupid idiotic traitors at that.

Isn’t it kinda funny that the jerks who spent the past eight years describing themselves as patriots, and accusing Obama of siding with terrorists, are now the ones who are selling out their nation? It’s bizarre that Republicans, the party of Reagan, is now selling us out to the Russians. It’s almost as ironic as the Trump presidency being brought down by an email scandal.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Pardon The Sibling Rivalry


cjones07132017

Perhaps the most ironic part of the Donald Trump Jr. story is that proof the Trump campaign colluded with Russia is an email. How delightful.

Junior has gotten himself in deeper legal trouble, his brother-in-law could be facing five years for falsifying his security clearance, Trump’s campaign has to find a new defense other than “fake news” and “witch hunts,” and every journalist in the nation can now enunciate “Veselnitskaya” (John Cleese was right in “A Fish Called Wanda.” Russian does sound sexy).

Donald Jr. tweeted out copies of the email informing him that a Russian wanted to give him information from the Russian government that would hurt Hillary Clinton and aid his father’s presidential campaign. The subject line actually contained the words “Russia,” “Clinton,” “private,” and “confidential.” All that was missing was being CC’ed to Robert Mueller. I’m guessing Junior’s lawyer was in the bathroom for two minutes when that email was posted. What did you do???

The email proves what the Trump campaign has denied for months. Meetings and collusion with Russia. At the very least, it proves Donald Trump Jr. was giddy to receive information from the Russian government. He actually replied, “I love it.” That was not his response shortly after this meeting when he referred to anyone who suggested Russia and Putin wanted Trump to win as “disgusting” and without “morals.” Trump Junior talking about other people’s morals is like his father grading women on their looks.

Junior went where all Trump team members go when they need to lie to the public and the host won’t question them, Sean Hannity over at Fox News (who in the past has dismissed ties between Trump and Russia as “fantasy”). Don Jr. professed his love for America and that he would have turned the information over to the FBI if it was valuable. That does not explain why he told his contact “I love it.” Junior also said that this meeting occurred before everyone was talking about Russia as if he was into treason before it was cool. He’s old-school treason. He also said he’s not responsible for the emails he gets. Yeah, but you are kinda responsible for the replies you send, specifically when they say “I love it!” and “let’s have a meeting and I’ll CC Jared and Paul on this.”

Junior said, “In retrospect, I probably would have done things a little differently.” That sounds like the sort of excuse someone would use for keeping an improper email server.

Junior wants props for releasing the emails to the public as if that’s evidence of his integrity. The fact is, he only released the emails after being informed by The New York Times that they were about to publish them.

Trump Senior’s first defense of his son was a statement through Sarah Huckabee Sanders which was “he’s a high quality person,” as if he’s a toaster that can toast bread better than an average toaster. Other than that, Trump was unusually quiet on Twitter. There are reports that there’s full-fledged rancor, chaos, and bedlam at the White House. So it’s a typical Tuesday in Trumpville.

The email also proves Junior was lying over the weekend when he said that he did not tell Paul Manafort and his brother-in-law Jared Kushner, what the meeting was about because he forwarded it to them. I’m sure they’ll both send him a thank-you-card in the near future. Junior is that guy who’ll come knocking at your door with a bag of weed knowing the cops are following him. I have a real scum-sucking-shit-weasel-afraid-to-get-a-job bastard for one of my brothers-in-law, and I haven’t implicated him in a case of treason (though I have testified in court against one my sisters’ boyfriends, who keyed my car after he got out of prison).

There have been leaks from anonymous sources that Junior was not looked upon with great admiration the Trump campaign. Staffers frequently referred to him as “Fredo,” as in Fredo Corleone, the insecure and weak failure of a son in The Godfather. I think Daddy Trump wishes he had Fredo whacked months ago. If you’re in an office betting pool over which Trump offspring would doom the Trump presidency, you wanted Donald Jr. (Just like with March Madness when I get stuck with McNeese State, I got Barron).

This also opened up not just Junior, but Manafort and Kushner to blackmail. If Junior is susceptible to blackmail, so is Senior. How far will Donald Trump go to protect his son? I kinda expect the elder Donald to eventually go “Donald Jr. who? Never heard of him.”

The Trump campaign has denied colluding with Russia. Now there’s proof of collusion. Their defense now is that collusion is not illegal. It took a year for this evidence to show up. I wonder what other icebergs are out there waiting to sink this Titanic of a presidency.

The Congressional investigations might be playing off the press, but I don’t believe the FBI or Special Counsel is relying on The New York Times and The Washington Post to do all their work for them. What do they know what we don’t at this point?

Donald Trump Sr., left his business, The Trump Organization, in the hands of Junior and Eric. I really hope for his sake that Eric is the smart one.

Creative Note: I want to thank my friend, Quannah Santiago for helping me by proofing the text and making a very helpful suggestion which I did use. Thanks, Quannah.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $50 donation will receive a signed print. All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.