Republican Convention

Diverse Convention


cjones08282020

On the first night of the Republican convention, the GOP rolled out minority speakers, you know…whenever a Trump wasn’t speaking.

There was Tim Scott, Nikki Haley, a black guy here, a Cuban there, and a Puerto Rican who is a true Trumpista because she doesn’t know Puerto Rico is a part of the United States. Seriously, Kimberly Guilfoyle, you’re not a “first-generation American” and you’re not an immigrant.

When speaking of the black vote, Republicans’ key word is “plantation.” Isn’t that kinda racist to look at a black person and think “plantation?” They say black Republicans got off the plantation by not voting for the Democratic Party anymore. They scream about being free thinkers while speaking at a convention where the entire platform directive is to worship Trump.

Donald Trump and his campaign say he’s going to improve his black vote from 2016. Well he had better because it doesn’t get much worse than 8 percent which is what he got in 2016. Any bets he does any better? From last night’s convention, despite the showing of non-white support, I’m going to say, “No.”

Why? Because while they had non-whites speaking, they had a hateful message. For example, they brought out the idiot gun-toting couple who was frightened by black people walking down their street. So they went outside with mustard stains on their shirts and screamed at pedestrians who were not on their property, all the while pointing loaded weapons at them. They’re aghast they have been charged with crimes because pointing guns at scary black people should be legal. But their main message was, this could happen anywhere in America.

Yes, the Republican Party is warning that if Joe Biden is elected, in addition to outlawing religion, burning down your church, outlawing free thinking, and implementing a communist agenda throughout the nation, a black person may one day walk past your house.

Donald Trump’s message is even worse. He’s warning that if Joe Biden is elected, a black family might buy the house next door in your suburbs. If they do, say hi.

But this president who praises and retweets Nazis, hires white nationalists, says “send them back,” and tweets “white power” isn’t a racist and will increase his black vote.

If you want to believe Donald Trump isn’t a racist, but want to buy that all those non-white speakers is proof, then I recommend watching the rest of the convention on mute…especially if Don Jr’s girlfriend speaks again. Republicans have yet to figure out that they need more black people in their party than just the ones they put on TV.

And for all the words said at this Republican convention, those you won’t hear are “Jacob Blake” and “black lives matter.”

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Paul Ryan The Speaker Guy


cjones06302016

I’m kinda disgusted with myself. I feel icky for drawing Larry The Cable Guy, a testament to America’s rejection of intellectualism and a tribute to lowbrow humor and stupidity. I feel all sorts of nasty because I googled quotes from Larry The Cable Guy as I was going to use one for this cartoon and then I decided not to as too many focus on farting. Finally, after reading all the Larry poop jokes I must have lost a few brain cells as I was on the verge of texting copy editor friends of mine with “is it ‘Get ‘Er Done'” or ‘Get-R-Done?'”. All that’s missing is some Luke Bryan music playing in the background (Luke Bryan’s a country singer, right? I can’t Google anymore stupid tonight).

I need a shower but I probably don’t need one as much as Speaker of the House Paul Ryan’s going to after speaking at the Republican National Convention next month in Cleveland.

Before Ryan endorsed Trump he said if Trump didn’t want him at the convention he was cool with it. It probably went down like “really! I’m cool with it. I’ll be fine. I’ll find something else to do. It’s all good. Just go on without me. Seriously.” But then the idiot went and endorsed Trump the same day he described some of Trump’s words as “racist,” and got himself back into that stinky convention commitment. Try worming your way out of it now, Mr. Speaker.

Trump has been reaching a lot of voice mails lately. He’s calling people to speak at the convention and a lot of them aren’t answering, or they’re changing their numbers, burning their phones, going off the grid, going MIA. Seriously, has anyone seen Arnold Schwarzenegger lately? He’ll be back.

Chris Christie will attend but there’s probably catering (that’s not entirely a fat joke as I myself have attended some messed-up stuff for a buffet. I have probably attended 17 Rotarian meetings where the speaker was Trent Lott every. single. time. I’m a newspaper person and we’ll go anywhere for a free sandwich). Newt Gingrich will be there but he’s always selling a book or something (this year it’s a pop-up and the reviews have been amazing. I made that up…about the pop-up and the reviews). Usually congressmen are clawing over each other for a speaking spot. This year they’re running away as if Trump had a leprosy Chlamydia combo going. It’s Chlamydprosy. You don’t want that. It’s hard enough getting people near you as a Republican.

Trump has also stated that if people don’t endorse him, specifically the former GOP candidates like Ted Cruz and John Kasich, that they shouldn’t be allowed to speak at the convention. That might bother Ted Cruz because he’s an attention whore, but John Kasich seems fine with it. He doesn’t need to make the long hour-long slog from Columbus to Cleveland in July. He’s probably already sent the “you do you” text.

Did you think it got weird in 2012 at the McCain/Palin convention when Clint Eastwood talked to a chair? Wait until Ted Nugent reads a love poem to an Uzi.

Traditionally every Republican party leader attends the convention and speaks. Trey Gowdy’s going to the beach and Mark Sanford is walking on a trail. Mitt Romney’s staying home to count his car elevators. John McCain can’t think of a worse place to be, and he was a POW. If there’s a tarnished former president like Richard Nixon, they kinda shove him aside and don’t speak of him. But traditionally former presidents show up. Neither George H.W. or George W. Bush aren’t attending. This is the first time not going to a party is George W. Bush’s choice.

This pretty much leaves speaking at the convention to the likes of Mike Ditka, Bobby Knight, Dana White (he runs that UFC stuff), Tom Brady (he’s a maybe), Brian France (who runs NASCAR which is kind of a sport), and Mike Tyson who’s not even capable of speaking. We’ll probably also be treated to appearances by Sarah Palin and Chachi.

Have you ever seen the warm up acts for a Trump speech? Yesterday in Maine the warm up guy was doing a racist imitation of Native Americans while calling Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” Look forward to three full days of that.

Did anyone invite Carrot Top? He was a last-second addition to this cartoon. I know he’s working Vegas but he’s probably available for $300 and a bus ticket. Someone should call him and “get ‘er done.”

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