Paper Towels

Republican Rescue


cjones08052020

After Hurricane Maria hit Puerto Rico in 2017, Donald Trump went to the island, after discovering it was an island, and threw out paper towels. Then, he proceeded to lie about the death toll and trash the residents of the United States territory, after he found out it was a United States territory.

Today, a lot of people still don’t get the fact, despite three years of evidence, that Donald Trump doesn’t give a flying fuck about anything unless it’s Donald Trump.

Take Donald Trump’s latest interview with Axios. When asked if he was impressed by the late congressman and civil rights icon John Lewis, Trump couldn’t answer the question except to complain Lewis didn’t come to his inauguration or his State of the Union speeches. Again, for Donald Trump, it’s all about DonaldTrump.

While millions of Americans are still unemployed with the extra $600 a week unemployment benefit expiring and facing evictions, Congress went on a three-day weekend. Democrats have had a plan on the table for months. It passed the House while it’s languished in the Senate. Republicans don’t like it because it’s too nice and doesn’t help out enough billionaire assholes. Republicans are afraid it’ll make poor and middle-class people lazy and a bunch of grifters, you know…like the president (sic).

Initially, the Trump White House, with negotiations led by Treasury Secretary Steve Baby Fishmouth Mnuchin, demanded cuts to testing and to the Center for Disease Control in a pandemic that’s killed over 150,000 Americans. But guess what the White House did demand to be inserted into the relief package?

Donald Trump has demanded at least $1.8 billion in the relief package to go for a new FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C. You might ask yourself, What the fuck does that have to do with the coronavirus? How does that help out anybody being hurt by this pandemic?

The answer is, it doesn’t. As Donald Trump said in that Axios interview about the death toll, “It is what it is.”

Before Trump came into office, there were plans to move the FBI headquarters out of the city. Maryland and Virginia both wanted the new HQ and that was the initial squabble. It’s a lot of money and jobs. Washington actually wants it to leave the city so they can use that prime downtown space for retail and make much more money from taxes than from another bloated government agency that Donald Trump has turned into his own personal goon squad.

Why does Donald Trump want the building to stay in the capital? The cynical person would bet it’s because Donald Trump has a financial stake in it. Shame on those cynics. Shame, for shame. The truth is…yeah. That prime retail space might go towards a hotel…one that would compete directly against the Trump Hotel which is nearby. Fortunately, it has been removed because it was even hard for Republican assholes to swallow.

Donald Trump also wants the government to receive a finders fee, gratuity, or tribute for the sale of the Chinese app, TikTok, if Microsoft buys it. I know deep down inside this story, there’s a payoff to Trump. Also, what happened to Republicans being against heavy regulations and higher payouts to the government? This is weird. What do Republicans really believe in anymore?

While running for president, Donald Trump promised a replacement for Obamacare. He said it was going to be “bigger, better, and cheaper.” We still haven’t seen it. He promised they wouldn’t try to repeal Obamacare until they had a replacement. They ended up trying, and failing, to repeal it before they had a replacement. Two weeks ago, he said the new plan would be unveiled in two weeks. That was over two weeks ago and still nothing. Instead, during this pandemic that’s killed over 150,000 Americans, Trump is still trying to kill Obamacare.

Donald Trump doesn’t care about you. Ask Herman Cain. Wait. You can’t. He’s dead from catching the Trump Virus at a Trump rally.

Trump and Republicans had four months at least to prepare for the unemployment and eviction protections to run out. Instead, they took vacations. Trump played a lot of golf. At this point, you’ll be lucky to get paper towels.

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Tossers For Trump


cjones09072019

After Hurricane Maria hit Puerto Rico in 2017, Donald Trump went to the island and threw paper towels at the victims.

To say Donald Trump wasn’t prepared for the hurricane would be an understatement. A response wasn’t prepared until after the damage. Supplies, boats, and rescue personnel weren’t organized until after. Trump didn’t even know the people were American citizens, that he was their president, or that Puerto Rico was even an island until afterward.

During the paper towel trip, Trump berated the victims saying, “I hate to tell you, Puerto Rico, but you threw out budget a little out of whack.” He told the victims they didn’t have a real catastrophe because it wasn’t like larger hurricanes that other presidents had to deal with. Afterward, he refused to accept that the death toll is nearly 3,000. He’s lied repeatedly about how much has been appropriated and spent on the recovery. To make matters worse, he engaged in feuds with the politicians of the island, calling them “corrupt.”

As Hurricane Dorian headed for Puerto Rico this week, Trump didn’t just tweet out concern for the citizens who are still recovering from Maria. He complained about having to spend government money on the island with, “Will it ever end?” He told the people that they should be thankful for the help, “not like last time,” and continued his feud with the mayor of San Juan (if you’re a Republican, San Juan is the capital of Puerto Rico), calling her “incompetent.” Then, he tweeted, “And by the way, I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to Puerto Rico!”

Puerto Rico was mostly spared and now Dorian is headed toward Florida. Did Trump start complaining about how much we may have to spend on hurricane relief for the state or start lobbing insults at the governor? Of course not.

Florida is a red state. The governor is a Republican. Trump won Florida and he’ll probably win it again as the state rejected the intelligent and eloquent Andrew Gillum for racist Ron DeSantis in 2018.

Trump praised DeSantis and even canceled a planned trip to Poland. Of course, neither Trump or DeSantis are mentioning that Trump has pulled funds away from FEMA to increase spending on punishing immigrants.

Trump likes to compare himself to President Obama, so let’s do that. When Hurricane Sandy hit New Jersey in 2012, President Obama didn’t complain about how much we’d have to spend on the recovery. He didn’t insult the citizens. He didn’t deny how big the storm was or how much damage was inflicted. He didn’t accuse the governor of having an eating disorder and call him a “fatty, fat, fat, fat.” Obama, like presidents before him, responded in a presidential manner. But maybe there’s something else that will drive Trump to give a presidential response to Dorian hitting Florida.

There’s more to Florida than just electoral votes or a population that’s not entirely made up of brown people. It contains two of his properties. Trump loves his properties. He mentions them every chance he gets. He visits them every chance he gets, spending over a quarter of his time as president at his golf resorts, driving on the green, cheating at golf, crashing weddings, eating chocolate cake, letting guests pose with the nuclear football, etc. Fun, fun. He’s even promoted his properties as president and has proposed his Doral club as the location for the 2020 G7 summit. He’s used the presidency to grift as much cash as he can into his resorts and hotels. It’ll be hard to do that if a hurricane wipes them out.

I’m not wishing for a hurricane to hit Florida. I’m not even hoping for a very precise strike that’ll only hit Mar-a-Lago and Trump Doral. But if it does, I’ll send paper towels.

Then, after sending paper towels, I can say, “I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to Donald Trump.”

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Quicker-Picker-Upper-In-Chief


cjones10062017

Donald Trump has thrown more paper towels than any other president before him. Not even Roosevelt threw paper towels as tremendous and absorbent as the ones Trump threw.

Bill Clinton would go to the site of a tragedy and hug victims. George W. Bush climbed on top of a pile of rubble where dead bodies were still being searched for and declared, “we heard from those responsible and soon they’ll hear from us.” Barack Obama went to the African-American church where a racist shot up the congregation and sang “Amazing Grace.”

Donald Trump goes to Puerto Rico and throws rolls of paper towels to the victims. He berated them, saying “I hate to tell you, Puerto Rico, but you threw our budget a little out of whack” (ignoring his huge tax cut for the rich, his increased military spending, and his plans to spend billions on a useless border wall). He gets into a tiff with the mayor of San Juan (because he really doesn’t like being questioned by a woman, especially if she’s a minority woman). He accused Puerto Ricans of not helping themselves and wanting everything done for them. He informs the victims that they didn’t have a real catastrophe, like Katrina (because worse disasters happen to other presidents?). He told officials they should be “proud” of a death toll that stood in double digits instead of thousands. He spends the bulk of his four-hour visit telling everyone how much he’s being complimented.

Who could have foreseen that a TV reality show host would be terrible at dealing with a national disaster that turned life upside-down for over three million Americans? How do you deal with Trump’s failures with disaster relief (and life in general) if you’re a Trump sycophant? Oh yeah…those paper-towel throws. Woo-hoo! Over here, Cheeto McGrabberson. I’m open!

Folks in Puerto Rico may not have electricity, food, water, phone service, cash, fuel, etc…but if they spill something, they’re all set.

Trump did not prepare for the hurricane. Supplies were not stockpiled before the storm hit. Supplies, boats, and people weren’t organized to respond until after. There has been a lack of coordination. Last Thursday, over 10,000 shipping containers that had been delivered were still in port.

Yes. As Donald Trump has informed us, Puerto Rico is an island surrounded by water, big water, ocean water. Yet, this is a nation that conducted the invasion of Normandy, Iwo Jima, Okinawa, and is threatening to destroy North Korea, all locations across oceans and “big water.”

It’s not that Trump is un-presidential and embarrassing. He’s a disaster whose job is to deal with disasters. He did not want to become president because he had a broad vision for this nation. He became president to promote his brand and feed his ego. Unfortunately, 62 million Americans fell for the con. Trump needs to quit and let the adults take over now. Americans are dying from natural disasters and from mass shootings, meanwhile, he’s throwing paper towels.

Insiders say that Trump didn’t pay attention to Puerto Rico for a week because he lost interest. It probably took the criticism of a minority woman on the island to gauge his interest, because Trump loves a fight…especially with a woman.

Throwing paper towels is Trump’s way of being consoler-in-chief. It beats having to hug the great unwashed masses in times of their peril. They may have germs.

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