Papa Johns

Hating By The Slice


cjones07152018

The best thing I can say about Papa John’s pizza is that it’s better than Domino’s. But, I can also say that when they deliver pizzas, at least they’re not dragging black people behind their cars.

Where in the hell did I get that from? I’m thinking that has to be the point Papa John himself, John Schnatter was making when he said, that where he grew up people used to kill black people by dragging them behind trucks.

Schnatter got in trouble last November when he complained that black NFL players protesting during the national anthem were hurting his pizza sales. After his comments were praised by white supremacists, the NFL severed their sponsorship deal with Papa, and he was forced to step down as CEO from the company he founded in a broom closet in his father’s tavern (there’s nothing in my broom closet except a broom).

Schnatter is a supporter of Donald Trump (shocking) and once complained that Obamacare could raise the price of his pizzas up to 14 cents per pie. Corporate America would rather you die from cancer than be forced to pay two cents more for a slice of pizza.

Because of Papa’s comments on the NFL protests, he had to participate in sensitivity training by a marketing agency, which was conducted through conference calls. It was during one of these sensitivity training sessions where Papa dropped an N-bomb. Seriously. That’s like saying “nice rack” during a sexual harassment seminar. I’m thinking he didn’t get a certificate that day for successfully completing the program.

During that call, he was asked how he would distance himself from racist groups online. For some reason, his answer was that “Colonel Sanders called blacks n——-s,” and Kentucky Fried Chicken never got in trouble for it. That sounds like the I’m-not-a-racist defense one would find on an online racist group.

I don’t know if the racist comment by the Colonel is true, but even if it is, are we talking about five decades ago? Also, what point is he making? And then, he continued with the statement about black people being killed by being dragged behind trucks. Maybe he was trying to impress the sensitivity person by pointing out that he has never killed a black person, at least not by dragging them behind a truck.

What Papa ate after that was not pizza. He had to step down from the board of trustees at the University of Louisville and resigned as chairman of the board of Papa John’s. Major League Baseball indefinitely suspended its Papa Slam promotion where fans get discounts after grand slam home runs. Then, Papa John’s Pizza shares tanked by nearly five percent on Wednesday, wiping out $96.2 million in market value, which proves Donald Trump isn’t the only executive who can wipe out the stock market with a racist comment.

The stadium at Louisville is still named after Papa John’s, but we’ll see how long that lasts.

Papa issued a statement confirming the comments and apologizing. It read, “News reports attributing the use of inappropriate and hurtful language to me during a media training session regarding race are true. Regardless of the context, I apologize. Simply stated, racism has no place in our society.”

Racism doesn’t have a place in our society, and I don’t want it on my pizza either.

Watch me draw.

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General Papa John Kelly


cjones11062017

It seems so long ago that we had high hopes for General John Kelly and the influence he would command in the Oval Office.

The first publicly-known term for Kelly to take the job as the Chief-of-Staff was for Trump to get rid of Anthony Scaramucci. It gave us the impression he wouldn’t tolerate any nonsense, and when Scaramucci was fired we believed he had considerable influence on Donald Trump.

There were reports Kelly was running a tight ship. Staffers couldn’t just pop into the Oval Office anymore to share with the president the latest conspiracy theory they gleaned off InfoWars. People, even Jared and Ivanka, would need an appointment to meet with the president. Trump would also become more presidential, and we’d see fewer tweets from the First Toilet.

We all felt Kelly took the job out of an obligation to save the world from Trump. He would spare us from a nuclear Armageddon over an insult from North Korea, like “dotard.”

With General Kelly at the helm, we could sleep at nights.

Then, Trump said there were good people marching with Nazis. As the stupidity spilled from Trump’s mouth, Kelly was looking down at his shoes as though he was in serious anguish over the racist comments. We thought he was wondering what he “signed up for,” and how he could repair the problem in the White House.

As Trump spoke at the United Nations and referred to Kim Jong Un as “Little Rocket Man” and threatened to destroy him, Kelly sat in his chair nearly putting his head between his knees. We all assumed he was recoiling from the immature rant on an international stage. As it turns out, he was probably just suffering from dining on 7-11 breakfast burritos, and he was bargaining with God for the consequences to happen at any time, but not at that time.

Hope in Kelly started to dim as the tweets continued. Where was Kelly’s influence of being calm, reasonable, or at the very least, not acting like a man-baby with a full diaper?

Then, Kelly attacked a black Democratic Congresswoman. He accused her of politicizing the death of a slain soldier, even though Donald Trump had started it and even brought the death of the General’s son into the discussion. Kelly didn’t take down Trump’s lie that he’s the only president who ever called Gold Star families.

Kelly then told a lie about the congresswoman and called her an “empty barrel.” After footage of the event in question proved Kelly was a liar, the White House Spokesgoon, Sarah Huckabee Sanders told us that we shouldn’t “debate a four-star general.” To make matters worse, Kelly never apologized for using a racist insult, or for lying.

This week, Kelly defended white-people heritage by saying Robert E. Lee was an honorable man. He told us the Civil War was started by a “lack of ability to compromise,” ignoring the fact the root cause of the war was slavery. Duh!!! He claimed that people were more loyal to states than country back in the 1860s.

By now, the general’s credibility is on the same level as Papa John.

Papa John, the man who started a pizza company in a closet and now lives in a Kentucky castle told us that the anthem protests in the NFL are responsible for his decreased profits. Papa likes to say “better ingredients. Better pizza,” but what he’s really about is bigger bullshit.

John Schnatter, the CEO and founder of Papa John’s lost $70 million within hours after releasing its third-quarter financial report on Tuesday afternoon. After the report’s estimates on earnings and revenue hit Wall Street, the stock dropped 11% by 12:30 PM the next day.

Schnatter has criticized Obamacare in the past and used it to deny hours to his employees. He’s hosted fundraisers and contributed to the presidential campaigns of Mitt Romney and Donald Trump. Schnatter is becoming a hero to the far-right, the alt-right, the alt-white, and conservative goons in general. His pizza is probably now the favorite pizza for creepy icky people.

Thus, proving Republicans can swallow all sorts of disgusting bullshit.

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