Olympics

Jerko’s Yurchenko


Cjones07302021

I had to look up a few things yesterday to find out what they are. Things like beach handball. I’m still not sure what handball really is, but whatever it is, the beach version is played on a beach. 

Then I had to look up Charlie Kirk. That sounds familiar. What makes him relevant? He’s a 27-year-old Trump supporter who writes a column for Newsweek. Seriously, Newsweek? Why does Newsweek want to distribute the opinion of a 27-year-old white conservative male without any real-world experience who’s an online college dropout? Leave the racist conspiracy theorists to Breitbart, m’kay? 

But, this Charlie Kirk fucknut also has a fucknut podcast for racist Trump-supporting fucknuts which he used yesterday to attack four-time gold medal winner gymnast Simone Biles for dropping out of the team finals at the Olympics. Kirk, who says white privilege is a racist lie, called her “very selfish,” “immature,” “a shame to our country,” and a “sociopath,” which is a word he probably learned from that online college course. He also said, “We are raising a generation of weak people like Simone Biles.”

Dude, first off, white privilege is real. Look at yourself. You’re an uneducated 27-year-old liar with zero life experience.  You’re a racist fuck who’s also a conspiracy theorist, you have your own podcast, write a column for Newsweek, collect a $300,000 salary from chairing your super PAC, and you bought a $855,000 condo in Longboat Key, Florida. You are the poster baby for white privilege. 

My question to Chucky is..can I call you Chucky? I don’t care. My question for Chucky is: How does being a rich privileged college dropout (online college) give you any credentials to understand what Simone Biles, a young black female athlete who’s been a victim of sexual assault, is going through? White privilege is not having to try to understand different perspectives. 

Chucky, are you a weak person for dropping out of online college? Was it immature of you? Selfish? Hey, I’m a college dropout, too, but after I dropped out, I continued to learn. Listening to your bullshit and reading the huge list of conspiracy theories you’ve spread, you haven’t progressed as a human being since you created your racist PAC for Trump while still in high school.

As I mentioned before, I had to research several things I didn’t know yesterday. I discovered there’s a European Handball Federation. I learned the Olympics doesn’t require any athlete to wear bikini bottoms. I also learned that beach handball is not an Olympic sport but will be in 2024 where they will not be forced to wear bikini bottoms. I’m pointing this out because a lot of people think it was the Olympics who went after the Norwegian Beach Handball Team for wearing regular shorts instead of bikini bottoms. I learned all this after coming up with a brilliant cartoon on the Olympics and bikini bottoms for the Norwegian Beach Handball Team…and then tragically learning the cartoon wouldn’t work because the Olympics had nothing to do with it. The entire bikini brouhaha occurred in Bulgaria, which isn’t even close to Tokyo. 

And then I had to research Matt Walsh.

Who is Matt Walsh? Just another racist fuck. What makes him relevant? Well, he’s not relevant enough to have a Wikipedia page but he is relevant enough to have a podcast and occasionally write for the Huffington Post. Can’t news outlets find conservative voices that aren’t sexist racist entitled white conspiracy theorists? Please? What’s that? There are none? Carry on then.

Matt Walsh isn’t even relevant enough to have a Wikipedia page while there are dogs with Wikipedia pages. But to be fair, dogs are better people than people like Matt Walsh. Matt Walsh was so disgusted by Simone Biles for dropping out, that he went on a tweet rampage attacking her. But to be fair, he probably needed a break from tweeting that real men don’t share emojis or cry in public. 

But how upset was he over Simone Biles? He must have felt her dropping out was a personal attack against his manhood (defending manliness is kind of his jam), that he tweeted about her over 30 times. It may have been over 50 but many of his tweets aren’t coherent so it’s hard to tell what he’s ranting about. Simone Biles, emojis, crying men, looking at another man’s wiener at the urinals, brown M&Ms, who knows?

He said Simone was being “selfish” and a “disgrace.” He criticized people who mentioned she was a survivor of sexual assault and claimed people were “inventing excuses on her behalf.” Since he claimed she quit only because she was “sad,” what gives him the right to invent reasons? Matt Walsh is a white male, probably at least in his mid to late 30s (from his photo, I’m being kind), but I can’t be sure since he doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. Also, this guy obsessed with constantly proclaiming his manliness literally has a beard. It’s a known fact that gays don’t have beards. If you ever start to feel some gayness coming on, like your penis moved while seeing Jonathan Van Ness in the Uber Eats commercial with Simone Biles, you can nip it in the bud (only bud nip in a manly platonic way without penetrating fingers) by growing a beard. 

I also had to look up Clay Travis and Buck Sexton. Who are they? They’re a pair of right-wing talk show hosts. They’re like a tag team of stupid. They said, “The blue checks have already rallied to Simone Biles’s defense and said, ‘Oh, it’s so brave.’ Why is this brave? What’s brave about not being brave? Cause that’s what we’re talking about here. This is ‘Oh, you didn’t stand up to the bully?’ So to speak… No, I think that’s the not brave move.” Which one of them said which parts of that exchange? It doesn’t matter. Also, both of these guys have beards. Do you know who doesn’t have beards? Dogs. Fact: Dogs don’t care if you call them gay.

And then there’s Piers Morgan. Oh, you know this is going to be good. Piers, who was rejected by Meghan Markle years ago and then mocked her for claiming racism in Buckingham Palace and for considering suicide, had some opinions on Simone Biles. Oh goody.

Piers tweeted, “Are ‘mental health issues’ now the go-to excuse for any poor performance in elite sport? What a joke. Just admit you did badly, made mistakes, and will strive to do better next time. Kids need strong role models not this nonsense.”

I just researched this and discovered Australian comedian Jim Jefferies has never been a Make-a-Wish kid, but somehow he was still given the wish-come-true of going on national television and telling Piers Morgan to his face to “fuck off.”

I also just researched and discovered John Daniel Davidson, editor of The Federalist and avid scarf wearer, does not have a medical degree (I had to get that from his LinkedIn page as he also doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. Again, dogs, people). Despite being less qualified than Dr. Pepper to diagnose mental health, John Daniel Jingleheimer Schmidt Fucknut Mcscarfy Davidson wrote, “Biles doesn’t suffer from a specific mental illness” and that she’s not “mentally tough.”

But how do these right-wing asshats know she’s not mentally tough? How do they know what she’s going through? How can any of these men, most of them having wealth stacked on top of their white privilege, relate to a young black female who is a victim of a sexual assault? 

Do these armchair warriors understand that gymnastics is actually physically dangerous? I too am guilty of watching sports I only see competed every four years, and then shouting at the TV as if I know what’s going on, but I know I can’t do what I’m watching on TV. I know that, if I got on a skateboard, instead of winning a gold medal like 13-year-old Momiji Nishiya, I’d probably only win a broken leg. Even Olympic table tennis (ping pong) looks physically dangerous to me. I can understand the pressure of a CNN deadline, but I have never faced the pressure of doing a Yurchenko Double Pike Vault on national television with the weight of my team and nation on my shoulders. Also, I have never been a black girl or black woman. This can be proven by looking at the photo on my Wikipedia page (which some dog probably made). 

I think if you’re going to go off in a hateful manner, maybe consider where they are coming from instead of assuming everyone was born with your white privilege. The fact Simone Biles went public about a sexual assault proves she’s tougher than these white conservative privileged men. None of them has ever done anything as tough as that. 

Some of these talking fuckheads claim Simone wouldn’t be receiving praise for removing herself and being honest about her anxieties if she was a man. But would these manly men be attacking Simone if she wasn’t a black female? 

I think before these privileged white men can criticize Simone Biles, they first have to flawlessly perform a Yurchenko Double Pike Vault. Until then, as Jim Jefferies would say, fuck off. 

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Vive Le Loser


Cjones07292021

Fact: Mike Pence did nothing…NOTHING…to prevent the United States men’s basketball team from losing to France. Oh, sure. He might give you some weak excuse that there’s nothing in the United State’s Constitution that empowers a vice-president to prevent an Olympic basketball loss, but I think that’s just a poor excuse for being disloyal.

I went to my local post office yesterday. I’ve gotten to know the people who work there. The guy behind the counter asked me if I’ve been watching the Olympics and I told him I have. I’ve watched badminton, horses, diving, volleyball, skateboarding, and the night before, I was watching the USA men’s basketball team take on France. I watched the game while I was eating taquitos at a place down the street and I left during the second period. So, I didn’t finish the game. I asked the mail dude, “How bad did we beat France?”. He said, “France won.” I thought he was fucking with me.

If you had asked me before the game who would win, I would have told you the United States. In fact, I would have told you the USA men’s team would go undefeated and tear through the Olympic tournament. When you look at who we have on our team, that guy from the NBA and that other guy from the NBA…and then there’s that other guy from the NBA, it’s impossible for us to lose. Basketball was invented here and nobody produces players like we do, like that other guy from the NBA. No other nation has as rich of a basketball culture as we do. Based on that, I refuse to believe we lost that game to France.

Also, another reason to refuse to believe we lost to France is because it’s France. We have a basketball culture. They have a culture of cafés, snooty waiters, body odor, mistresses, Jerry Lewis, mimes, croissants, and horny cartoon skunks. They cannot beat us. We’re ‘Murica, baby.

So, based on my feelings and not the scoreboard, we won that game and it was stolen from us. There are a lot of facts to support my belief it was stolen from us. Feel free to make these go viral if you wish.

Fact one: Mike Pence didn’t stop it. He did absolutely nothing to help USA win this game.

Fact two: The scoreboard was plugged into an electrical socket. Do you know what else plugs into sockets? Internet routers. Do you know who else has the internet? Italians. Italy probably used their satellites to beam something (we’re still working on this) back down to Earth (which is flat in red states) into their routers to manipulate the scoreboard.

Fact three: Italy and France share a border which means those two nations are probably a lot closer to each other than either one is to America. Bastards! With your help, we can finally expose this.

Fact four: Nobody knows how many cheeses there are in France. Some say it’s 1,600. Other says it’s over 3,500. I’m not sure how this impacted the game but we have Sidney Powell on it right now.

Fact five: The score of the game, supposedly, is France-83 and USA (God’s country)-76. The year 1776 was the birth of our nation. The Treaty of Paris, officially ending the American Revolution, was signed in…wait for it…1783. By “rigging” the game to end at 83-76, France was mocking us.

Fact six: Spain, who also shares a border with France, was one of the signers of the Treaty of Paris. We beat them in a war, and Spain colonized everything south of our border and gave them the Spanish language, which they’re now attacking our English language with. We’ll get Rudy on this connection. I bet it’s in a laptop someplace.

Fact seven: We got Florida from Spain…and they refuse to take it back.

Fact eight: France invented mistresses and the ménage à trois which was done on purpose to tempt and destroy Donald Trump. But the joke’s on you, France, because Republicans are hypocrites and they don’t care if Donald Trump violates every single belief they’ve been promoting for the past seven decades. So, HA-HA!

Fact nine: France refused to help us invade the wrong country after 9/11. And they had the gall to even criticize it. Plus, they raised tariffs on French fries, French toast, and French bulldogs.

Fact ten: After World War II, France chased out all the Vichy French which makes France Antifa.

Fact eleven: France invented democracy which stole the election from Trump.

Fact twelve: This is all we need to prove the game was rigged against us. The athletes playing for France…I hope you’re sitting down for this…are not American citizens. I checked and I’m pretty sure France is an entirely different country. This is going to surprise you Trumpers, but it’s also on a different continent. Can they legally play basketball against the United States? Didn’t anyone check their IDs before the game. Those players probably prefer France over America too.

This is probably the biggest scandal since Watergate and is the crime of the century. What we need to do is have the score audited by Cyber Ninjas (not real Ninjas because they’re from Japan, which I’ve been told is also a completely different country from us where English is not the most common language. Heathens). I’m sure they can multitask and do it while recounting the Arizona ballots. They should probably be nearly finished auditing those ballots anyway since the election was nine months ago and they’ve been counting for three.

After Cyber Ninjas (not the ninjas from Asia, where covid was manufactured with Dr. Fauci at a Chinese Wendy’s) finishes their scoreboard audit, several months from now, and they deliver the results we want, the USA men’s basketball team will be reinstated as gold medal winners. And if we don’t get what we want, then we’ll storm the Olympics and stop the steal. Who cares if the Olympics is contaminated with covid. People who love ‘Murica and Lee Greenwood songs ain’t afraid of a little covid.

Anything we lose that we don’t want to lose shouldn’t be counted. That’s how democracy is supposed to work. And if we can’t win the game, then let’s change the rules. We can start by putting the baskets for black French players in hard-to-reach places where nobody wants to go, like Idaho. We can also demand every French player have an American ID. And, if they’re not American, then they can’t get an American ID. Also, nobody is allowed to give them water or Gatorade during timeouts. Finally, all scoring is to be tabulated only by English-speaking Americans who would never eat little thin pancakes (God hates tiny pancakes).

By the way, did you know Larry Bird is from a town in Indiana called FRENCH Lick? The conspiracy widens.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Pineapple Express To Tokyo


cjones07122021

I totally understand the decision not to allow Sha’Carri Richardson to compete in the Tokyo Olympics after she was suspended for violating Team U.S.A.’s drug policy.

Richardson was suspended for 30 days and her victory in the 100 meters at the trials was invalidated. However, her suspension ends before her Olympic event is scheduled and the team can pick at least two athletes for the relay regardless of their performance at the trials. U.S. officials could still put her on the team, but doing so would have removed someone else who had already been named for that slot. It would not have been fair to them, even though Richardson is possibly the fastest human being alive right now and the team has a better chance with her on it to collect gold.

What I don’t agree with is Sha’Carri Richardson being suspended in the first place. Her violation of the drug policy was for smoking marijuana, pot, weed, a little reefer, ganja, hash, bud, cannabis, chronic, herb, grass, yerba, Mary Jane, sticky icky, wacky tobacky, the Devil’s lettuce, a doobie, etc. And yes. Some of us still say, “doobie.” I’m bringing it back.

Marijuana is on a list of banned substances that includes performance-enhancing drugs that athletes take to make them stronger, or faster, or have more endurance. Marijuana does NOT make anyone stronger, faster, or have more endurance. You don’t see Seth Rogen, Willie Nelson, or Snoop Dog hauling ass like Usain Bolt.

The only way marijuana can benefit an athlete is to calm them down and decrease anxiety. If anything, you would think pot would be an inhibitor for an athlete more than something that helps him or her. Michael Phelps was punished for smoking weed which should have been an embarrassment to his entire sport…because even on weed, nobody could compete against him. Flipper hasn’t shown his face since.

Simone Biles, the GOAT (greatest of all time) in her sport has been discouraged from being better than her competition because she’s so good. If they really want to make it more competitive for her competition, maybe they should make Biles eat some pot brownies.

We need to get over our national hang-up about marijuana. Weed is legal in nearly 20 states, including Oregon where Richardson was competing when she “violated” the stupid drug policy. It’s even debated if marijuana is an actual drug.

This nation needs to decriminalize marijuana and release everyone who is currently incarcerated for violating anti-pot laws. Marijuana should be legalized, not just by states, but by the federal government. It’s no worse than alcohol. Alcohol has a better lobby than marijuana.

I’m a huge advocate for legalizing marijuana which might make you think I love the stuff. A lot of people who have met me would swear from my weirdness that I’m totally high. I had a reputation in high school for being a stoner, probably because I slept in a lot of classes. At my first newspaper job, some people thought I was stoner just from my cartoons. You’d have to be high to write this stuff, right? People still walk up to me asking if I’m selling. What do I look like? Sheesh! It probably doesn’t help that the older I get, the more I look like The Dude.

Truth is, I don’t like pot. Sure, I’ve tried it here and there over the years, but at an early age, I realized I was just playing to peer pressure and didn’t truly enjoy it, so I stopped. I did lose a few friends, but most people didn’t care. I never liked the way it made me feel (paranoid), and it usually tore up my throat. Any time I’ve ever gotten high, I’ve spent the entire high wanting to come down. When I did smoke pot, it was only when someone else introduced it into a situation. The only time I ever bought weed for myself was when I gave a person I didn’t know very well a ride home, who then lost a joint in my car. I bought the lost joint from him in order for him to leave ($2.00 in the 1980s)…and then tore the car upside down finding that joint because it was my mom’s car…and if she had found it, she would have screamed at me and then she would have smoked my joint.

About four years ago, a friend was passing through town from Oklahoma (a yee-haw state) and asked if I could get some marijuana for her to purchase. She told me it was for medicinal purposes, but since she’s a Trump supporter, I knew she was lying. I didn’t care. I didn’t have an ethical problem doing this favor and I didn’t have a physical problem finding someone I know who could sell me a bag of weed. I don’t do the stuff but I know where to get it.

But I’m glad I’ve smoked pot in the past because at least I know what it does and can compare it to stuff like beer. The thing about pot is, you can still walk a straight line when you’re high. Your attention span might suck…or it might increase…but you’re usually functional. I tell people all the time I have never done illegal drugs, which is true…but I have smoked pot.

My aversion to marijuana is only about me smoking marijuana. I don’t care if other people do it. I’ve been in rock bands and I would have had a very difficult time if I refused to be around it. If anything, I grew accustomed to the scent and started to like smelling it. For me, it wasn’t band practice without the scent of weed. My bandmates never pressured me and understood I didn’t care for it. Their attitude about me not smoking was the same as mine about them smoking. Who cares? My only requirement was that they could still play while stoned. Most musicians can. And like I said, it can level you out. Rarely does someone turn into a raging asshole because of weed.

I don’t blame the Track and Field bigwigs for not allowing Sha’Carri Richardson to take someone else’s spot…but I do blame them for punishing her in the first place and taking away her spot. So she smoked a little weed? So what? She didn’t help herself and she didn’t hurt anyone by smoking weed. If anything, the committee hurt our nation by decreasing our chance at a gold medal in her relay event. If we lose to Uzbekistan, it’s all on you, Olympic nannies.

Everyone who is against legalizing weed and for punishing people who use it, should be served some hash brownies. I bet that’d make them lighten the fuck up.

Sha’carri smoked a little weed (or maybe she ate it. It doesn’t matter). A lot of people you know smoke weed. Even Republicans smoke weed. So what? Our uptight country needs to get over it.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw:

Rooty Tooty For Pootie


cjones02232018

I was scrolling through my news feed on Facebook a few hours ago and I noticed one of my conservative friends created a post with a complaint. This friend, we’ll call her Allie because that’s her real name, was upset because she had posted a news story only to have it removed by Facebook. She posted it three times and three times Facebook had removed it.

Why would Facebook remove her post? Probably because it was a conspiracy theory generated by Russian bots from one of their troll farms. The story was about the children from the Parkland shooting who are voicing out for gun control, and how they’re actually paid actors.  The story is such garbage that Donald Trump will probably retweet it later. He’s retweeted from Russian bots before.

Donald Trump is an idiot, but Allie is not. Allie, however, does find confirmation bias too delicious to pass up or to confirm. Who cares if it’s advancing the goals of a hostile nation intent to tearing ours apart? Did you hear about the Washington pizza parlor?

They call it a troll farm for a reason. The Russians are creating trolls and Allie has allowed herself to become one. Many of these people are unwittingly hurting our nation. Others are aware and just don’t care. Screw pride, principles, and ethics. Did you hear that the Pope endorsed Trump?

First off, they hurt our nation by voting for Donald Trump. Earlier this week, a Trump supporter, we’ll call Gary because that’s his real name, told me he voted for the lesser of two evils. I pointed out that the lesser of two evils is not the candidate supported by Vladimir Putin. Gary, who is a veteran and considers himself a patriot, told me he doesn’t need voting tips from someone of my persuasion. Never mind that Gary’s allowing himself to be persuaded by Putin. Did you hear about Obama bugging Trump Tower?

It’s not just confirmation bias that moves these people to support Russia over the United States. It’s their partisanship, which is apparently more important than national security. National security was an important issue to them and one of the biggest reasons they cite for voting against Hillary Clinton, for who they chanted “lock her up” because of her email server. Now that Donald Trump has given classified information to Russians who were hanging out in the Oval Office, and he has over 100 staffers in the White House who can’t get a security clearance, national security doesn’t seem that important anymore. Did you read the Nunes memo?

Russia is dirty. They helped Donald Trump cheat to win the presidency. They’re so dirty, that because of doping their Olympic athletes can’t even compete under their nation’s flag. They’re so dirty that even their curling team is doping. I thought doping would be for watching curling, not playing it.

To Trump supporters, stop sharing fake news. Stop helping a hostile nation destroy ours. They’re still attacking us and you, unlike Trump, should stop helping them.

Root for the home team.

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I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Complicit Olympics


cjones01302018

I’ve always been amazed at the harsh and inhumane treatment tyrannical nations will put their Olympic athletes through for medals.

During the Cold War, the Soviet Union and its Communist Bloc allies would put their athletes through hell. In addition to juicing their athletes with banned chemicals, athletes were stripped from their families at young ages for round-the-clock training.

It continues today in places like China and North Korea. Some Chinese athletes rarely see their families, while being beaten for failure. North Korea will reward their winners with cars and refrigerators and send losers to labor camps.

Democratic nations also reward their winners with cash, but they share some of the abusive traits with the tyrannical governments.

U.S.A. Gymnastics, the U.S. Olympic Committee and officials at Michigan State University all closed their eyes, covered up, and were complicit in the sexual abuse that Michigan State University doctor Larry Nassar put his victims through for 30 years.

Nassar has been sentenced up to 175 years in prison. These institutions required young girls to submit to his ungloved pelvic manipulations masked as “treatments,” while ignoring complaints and aiding in brainwashing his victims, over 160 of them.

Child abusers were protected by Penn State University and the Catholic Church for years. We still don’t fully understand those situations, and now we have this Olympic-sized outrage.

While sentencing Nassar, Judge Rosemarie Aquilina said, “Silence is indifference. There has to be a massive investigation as to why there is inaction and why there was silence.” She was heavily criticized by some for the sentence and for making the comments, “It was not treatment what you did. It was not medical. I wouldn’t send my dogs to you, sir.” His trial lasted seven days and included testimony from 156 accusers.

Congress is set to pass new legislation mandating that coaches and other authorities report accusations of abuse to police. Really? We need new laws to make those responsible for children to do their responsibility, which is to protect them?

An athlete’s body does not belong to her coach, trainer, doctor, to any Olympic committees or organizations, and not even to their country. A violation is a violation. Every single coach, trainer, personnel, or authority figure in the U.S. Olympic system who was aware of this abuse, or other abuses, should do time with Nassar.

This is the worse sex abuse scandal in U.S. sports history, and maybe in all of American history. U.S.A. Gymnastics didn’t just allow a serial pedophile to assault their athletes for over 30 years, they mandated their athletes to submit to his unjustified vaginal examinations. The price to be an Olympian was to submit to his abuse.

From Hollywood moguls threatening the careers of actresses who refuse to be seduced by a massage, to the guy giving the State of the Union speech Tuesday night who bragged on tape “they let you do it when you’re a star,” I’ve been disgusted by the sick acts of sick individuals with power. Having it done to children, and the the children told by authority that it has to be done, is a brand-new outrage. I hope every name who allowed this to happen is produced and publicized.

Only tyrannical nations require their athletes to submit to such abuse, right? The United States isn’t one of those? Right?

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

On Thin Ice


cjones01202018

I was watching Morning Joe this morning, and for the few minutes they weren’t talking about Donald Trump getting a spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter, they talked to Republican Congressman Jim Jordan.

Jordan did not talk about spankings with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of Trump’s daughter, but he did talk about the budget crisis. He said the voters put Trump and the GOP in charge of the government (Before they knew about the spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter) to accomplish all their promises, so Democrats should go ahead and pass the temporary budget fix to keep the government open. If there’s a shutdown, then it’s all the Democrats fault.

Let’s look at that logic. If the voters put you in charge to keep your promises, then why do you need the Democrats’ help? You have control of all three branches of government. How is it the Democrats fault that you don’t know how to legislate? Next, you’ll blame them for Trump’s spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter.

The Republicans could create legislation that would appeal to enough Democrats to pass their budget, but running the government isn’t as simple as Trump getting a spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter

By the way, I wouldn’t talk about the voters giving you a mandate when over three million more of them voted for Trump’s opponent (imagine how many more it would have been if they knew about that spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter), not to mention that over 80% of voters believe Dreamers should be able to stay in this nation. Yeah, that Dreamer issue.

The Republicans argue that Democrats shouldn’t demand it is a part of this budget deal, and that they’re not holding Dreamers hostage (like Trump was held hostage during that spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter). Go talk to a Dreamer who doesn’t know if they’ll get to stay here, continue working or going to school, or end up being shipped to a country they’ve never known. Donald Trump inserted the Dreamer crisis into this issue by revoking Obama’s Executive Order that allowed them to stay here. You broke it, you bought it (which might be something Trump said during that spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter).

Did voters send Trump to the Oval Office so he could lie about legislation? He told Democrats and Republicans that if they sent him a deal on DACA, that he would sign it and take the heat. They proposed a deal and he backtracked. Donald Trump is a liar. Republicans are legislating, trying to send something to his desk, and they don’t know what the man wants (spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter) because he keeps changing his mind.

Right now, we have a better idea of what Trump wants in the bedroom than what he wants in this budget (spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter).

Republicans think it’s crazy that DACA has to be a part of this but not funding for Trump’s stupid “I Hate Mexicans” wall. Why should this be in the budget when we were told Mexico would pay for this wall? That’s almost as crazy as someone wanting a spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter.

Democrats, don’t budge. Don’t give jerks one cent for that wall. Mexico was supposed to pay for it. Don’t bend over (like Trump does for a spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter) because Trump lied and can’t keep a campaign promise.

If Trump can’t keep his promises, Democrats shouldn’t pay for that. Trump should like he paid to keep it quiet that he got a spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter.

North and South Korea are probably laughing at us over this budget thing, in addition to Trump’s spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter.

By the way, did you hear about Trump’s spanking with a Forbes magazine by a porn star who reminds him of his daughter? Some people can’t stop talking about it.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Dopey Defenders


cjones12132017

Russia is officially banned from the 2018 Olympics set in Pyeongchang, South Korea, which shows that the International Olympic Committee has more backbone and intestinal fortitude than Republican members of Congress, Fox News, and the President of the United States.

Russia peed all over the 2014 Winter Olympics, which was a lot more dignified than what they did to our presidential election. It was like hackers wearing sterilized gloves.

Russia didn’t just send athletes to test with someone else’s urine. Russians actually got into the laboratory in Sochi and manipulated the tests. Experts say they haven’t seen doping this widespread since the East Germans did it throughout the 1960s, ’70s and ’80s. That’s a lot of commie pee.

Putin has scoffed at the accusations which is probably good enough for Donald Trump. Putin also denied meddling in our election and that was all the authority our president needed on the issue.

Since Trump, Republicans, and the idiots at Fox News have chosen Russian nationalism over American security, I’m surprised they’re not mounting a vigorous defense of Russia and expressing outrage at the injustice heaped upon them. Trump sycophants have attacked the FBI, the Special Counsel, the press and anyone else who has tried to look into Russia’s meddling in the presidential election and collusion with the Trump campaign. The main strategy is to deflect by screaming for investigations into the investigators, and more investigations for Hillary Clinton.

Russian athletes who receive special dispensation to compete will do so as individuals wearing a neutral uniform, and the official record books will forever show that Russia won zero medals. I guess that means they won’t be allowed to wear their Trump T-Shirts.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.

Heroes Of The Storm


cjones08182016

I’m the cartoonist who usually doesn’t like positive cartoons but sometimes greatness needs to be acknowledged and commemorated.

I was thinking how Phelps and other Olympians win medals for what they do in water, while many in Louisiana are literally under water. Many who have lost their homes are too busy saving others to count their own losses. Those are heroes. I’m not taking anything away from those who compete and represent their nation in an athletic contest, but the real gold winners are in Louisiana this week.

Louisiana is my home state. I think of it often and more so this week. I miss the scenery, the bayous, po boys, gumbo, etouffee, crawfish, the spices, and even though most of the people there would disagree with me politically, I miss them too. This week they exhibited why they’re some of the greatest people in the United States.

And yes, they do make the best food in the world.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

Rigged Russians


cjones08162016

The situation between Donald Trump and Russia became even more unusual Monday. His campaign director, or whatever the hell his title is, was listed for receiving “off the books” cash payments from Ukraine.

Paul Manafort kept an office in Kiev, Ukraine for years while he did consulting work for that nation’s ruling party, which was very pro-Russia at the time. An anti-corruption probe from the current government is attempting to discover how their country’s elections were manipulated in the past, and the nation’s assets looted by former president Viktor Yanukovych. Handwritten ledgers show that Manafort received $12.7 million in undisclosed cash payments from Yanukovych’s ruling Russian-loving party from 2002 to 2012. Yanukovych, was elected president amidst allegations of election fraud and voter intimidation, was ousted in 2014 and today lives in exile in Russia.

A credible campaign would have fired or asked for Manafort’s resignation before the day was over. At this time Manafort is still on the job, not just defending Trump but defending himself. He claims he never received the payments, and I guess he can prove it by showing us his books (Mr. Trump, that’s how you use sarcasm).

There’s questions regarding Trump’s fortune and how much of it is connected to Russia. It doesn’t help that he won’t release his tax returns. It’s kinda bizarre for him and the GOP to accuse Clinton of being a criminal, question the ties between her charity and the state department, yet he won’t be transparent himself.

In addition to all of the above, Trump has lavished praise on Russian president Vladimir Putin. Trump has stated Putin won’t go into Ukraine, although he’s already there. He seems comfortable with Russia annexing Crimea. Russia is suspected of hacking into the Democratic party’s email system and Trump has asked them to hack into Hillary Clinton’s server (though he said he was joking).  He’s stated the U.S. shouldn’t uphold its obligations to some NATO nations, which might give Putin a few ideas regarding Eastern European nations that were formerly party of the Soviet Union.

On top of all this, Trump’s daughter is vacationing in Croatia with Putin’s girlfriend, who is also Rupert Murdoch’s ex wife. Is there an online dating service for billionaire, right wing tyrants?

The New York Times investigated and published the story about Manafort and Ukraine. Trump is already complaining about the media and the “failing” New York Times. He’s says the media is printing lies about him but he’s probably really upset that the media prints his actual statements. Trump states he is running against the media, and not Hillary Clinton. Trump conveniently forgets all the free TV time and exposure he’s gained. Attacking the press is red meat for Republicans, even if it’s coming from a guy who invalidates The New York Times while believing the National Enquirer is Pulitzer worthy.

In addition to all of Trump’s previous crazy and stupid comments, he says if he loses the election it will be because it’s rigged. He specifically points at Pennsylvania and says the only way he’ll lose that state is if “cheating goes on” and is asking his supporters to police and bully at polling stations.

Trump might have a point if he loses the state after leading in the polls. Unfortunately for him he’s currently lagging behind Clinton by nine points. In fact, he doesn’t have the lead in a single swing state. He’s also allowing her to make red states Utah, Georgia, Arizona, and Kansas competitive.  Kansas where they don’t believe in evolution, climate change, or books. Clinton’s lead has reached the point that she’s holding off advertising in swing states Virginia, Colorado, and, you guessed it, Pennsylvania.

Trump complains about not leading in states while he hasn’t actually put any ads on the air or campaign boots on the ground. Is he running for president or does he think he’s in a reality show?

The only way Trump can win the election is if it’s rigged in his favor. No wonder he’s asking Putin for help.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!

All The News That’s Phelps


cjones08132016

One aspect of the Olympics I always enjoy are the individual issues. Fiji won their first medal ever in their history of competing at the Olympics and the country was excited that even banks were closed during the event. An Egyptian lost to an Israeli in judo and refused to bow or shake his hand. The U.S. women’s soccer team was upset by Sweden and Hope Solo called their opponents “cowards.” Officials had to reschedule an event because the water in a pool was too nasty (I don’t think that was a Baby Ruth). That’s fun stuff.

Here in the U.S. everyone is talking about Michael Phelps and his history-making medal grab.

These are his fifth Olympics and even editorial cartoonists are drawing positive celebratory cartoons honoring him. I don’t play that. I wouldn’t be able to stomach drawing cartoons of jealous fish and a jealous Aquaman. Ugh!

The media has been so gaga over Phelps that the San Jose Mercury News stepped all over itself in reporting the accomplishments of another athlete.

Simone Manuel became the first African-American woman to win an individual swimming event at the games when she took joint first place  in the 100-meter freestyle at Rio 2016. The Mercury News placed a headline on their website which read: Michael Phelps shares historic night with African-American.

Yikes! Forget shes’ a person, has a name, earned a little praise all her own, and let’s just lament how Phelps has to share a little glory with a black girl.

Women have been kinda trampled on with the sexism at these games.

Gymnast Simone Biles (who has been incredible) was complimented by an NBC commentator with “I think she might even go higher than some of the men.” Apparently you can’t appreciate a female athlete’s ability without it being compared to men for perspective. This was heaped on top after one commentator said her adoptive parents are not her parents. That’s some serious stupidity.

The Chicago Tribune labeled two-time bronze medal-winning Corey Cogdell as “wife of a Chicago Bear’s lineman.” The paper had to refer to her as a wife, and didn’t matter which particular lineman’s wife….just that she was a wife. You haven’t seen Phelp’s girlfriend mentioned in any headlines.

Katy Ledecky broke a world record in the 400-meter freestyle and was given praise with: “Some people say she swims like a man.” That was once again given by someone at NBC. Maybe the network should have sent Rachel Maddow or Chris Hayes to cover the games. Sheesh!

Hungary’s Katinka Hosszu broke a world record in 400-meter individual medley (whatever that is) and the credit was given to her husband/coach. Again…NBC.

NBC, who is on a roll by at this point, referenced the cycling teams as “mens” and “girls.” Do I have to point it out?

While the U.S. gymnastics team was talking on the sidelines, NBC again, said “They might as well be standing around at the mall.” When the men are talking to each other where might as well could they be standing? A bar? Garage? Pool hall? A crotch scratching contest?

NBC explained their tape delay by saying it’s OK because most of their audience is women and they’re more into the reality TV aspect than the results.

A lot of people will say I’m being too politically correct over this. I don’t think so. I try to keep this stuff in mind and I’m sure I’ll stumble in this area in the future. We have a very sexist society to the point that most people aren’t even aware they’re doing it.

For example: Hillary Clinton shouts but you don’t hear anyone talk about Donald Trump shouting. Conservatives make jokes about Clinton’s physical appearance, yet for a man to be insulted for his looks he has to have a serious weight issue or extremely ridiculous hair that defies physics. I was out last week and heard two guys talk about Clinton’s age without being aware that Donald Trump is older. A lot of people are asking to see a report on Clinton’s health but not Trump’s (and there’s one person who could use a brain scan it’s Trump). I’m surprised we haven’t started about menopause yet.

We have another week of the Olympics and at some point I hope to start watching. Maybe the rest of the media should pay closer attention also…or just let Roger Ailes produce the event.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!