Olympics 2021

Jerko’s Yurchenko


Cjones07302021

I had to look up a few things yesterday to find out what they are. Things like beach handball. I’m still not sure what handball really is, but whatever it is, the beach version is played on a beach. 

Then I had to look up Charlie Kirk. That sounds familiar. What makes him relevant? He’s a 27-year-old Trump supporter who writes a column for Newsweek. Seriously, Newsweek? Why does Newsweek want to distribute the opinion of a 27-year-old white conservative male without any real-world experience who’s an online college dropout? Leave the racist conspiracy theorists to Breitbart, m’kay? 

But, this Charlie Kirk fucknut also has a fucknut podcast for racist Trump-supporting fucknuts which he used yesterday to attack four-time gold medal winner gymnast Simone Biles for dropping out of the team finals at the Olympics. Kirk, who says white privilege is a racist lie, called her “very selfish,” “immature,” “a shame to our country,” and a “sociopath,” which is a word he probably learned from that online college course. He also said, “We are raising a generation of weak people like Simone Biles.”

Dude, first off, white privilege is real. Look at yourself. You’re an uneducated 27-year-old liar with zero life experience.  You’re a racist fuck who’s also a conspiracy theorist, you have your own podcast, write a column for Newsweek, collect a $300,000 salary from chairing your super PAC, and you bought a $855,000 condo in Longboat Key, Florida. You are the poster baby for white privilege. 

My question to Chucky is..can I call you Chucky? I don’t care. My question for Chucky is: How does being a rich privileged college dropout (online college) give you any credentials to understand what Simone Biles, a young black female athlete who’s been a victim of sexual assault, is going through? White privilege is not having to try to understand different perspectives. 

Chucky, are you a weak person for dropping out of online college? Was it immature of you? Selfish? Hey, I’m a college dropout, too, but after I dropped out, I continued to learn. Listening to your bullshit and reading the huge list of conspiracy theories you’ve spread, you haven’t progressed as a human being since you created your racist PAC for Trump while still in high school.

As I mentioned before, I had to research several things I didn’t know yesterday. I discovered there’s a European Handball Federation. I learned the Olympics doesn’t require any athlete to wear bikini bottoms. I also learned that beach handball is not an Olympic sport but will be in 2024 where they will not be forced to wear bikini bottoms. I’m pointing this out because a lot of people think it was the Olympics who went after the Norwegian Beach Handball Team for wearing regular shorts instead of bikini bottoms. I learned all this after coming up with a brilliant cartoon on the Olympics and bikini bottoms for the Norwegian Beach Handball Team…and then tragically learning the cartoon wouldn’t work because the Olympics had nothing to do with it. The entire bikini brouhaha occurred in Bulgaria, which isn’t even close to Tokyo. 

And then I had to research Matt Walsh.

Who is Matt Walsh? Just another racist fuck. What makes him relevant? Well, he’s not relevant enough to have a Wikipedia page but he is relevant enough to have a podcast and occasionally write for the Huffington Post. Can’t news outlets find conservative voices that aren’t sexist racist entitled white conspiracy theorists? Please? What’s that? There are none? Carry on then.

Matt Walsh isn’t even relevant enough to have a Wikipedia page while there are dogs with Wikipedia pages. But to be fair, dogs are better people than people like Matt Walsh. Matt Walsh was so disgusted by Simone Biles for dropping out, that he went on a tweet rampage attacking her. But to be fair, he probably needed a break from tweeting that real men don’t share emojis or cry in public. 

But how upset was he over Simone Biles? He must have felt her dropping out was a personal attack against his manhood (defending manliness is kind of his jam), that he tweeted about her over 30 times. It may have been over 50 but many of his tweets aren’t coherent so it’s hard to tell what he’s ranting about. Simone Biles, emojis, crying men, looking at another man’s wiener at the urinals, brown M&Ms, who knows?

He said Simone was being “selfish” and a “disgrace.” He criticized people who mentioned she was a survivor of sexual assault and claimed people were “inventing excuses on her behalf.” Since he claimed she quit only because she was “sad,” what gives him the right to invent reasons? Matt Walsh is a white male, probably at least in his mid to late 30s (from his photo, I’m being kind), but I can’t be sure since he doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. Also, this guy obsessed with constantly proclaiming his manliness literally has a beard. It’s a known fact that gays don’t have beards. If you ever start to feel some gayness coming on, like your penis moved while seeing Jonathan Van Ness in the Uber Eats commercial with Simone Biles, you can nip it in the bud (only bud nip in a manly platonic way without penetrating fingers) by growing a beard. 

I also had to look up Clay Travis and Buck Sexton. Who are they? They’re a pair of right-wing talk show hosts. They’re like a tag team of stupid. They said, “The blue checks have already rallied to Simone Biles’s defense and said, ‘Oh, it’s so brave.’ Why is this brave? What’s brave about not being brave? Cause that’s what we’re talking about here. This is ‘Oh, you didn’t stand up to the bully?’ So to speak… No, I think that’s the not brave move.” Which one of them said which parts of that exchange? It doesn’t matter. Also, both of these guys have beards. Do you know who doesn’t have beards? Dogs. Fact: Dogs don’t care if you call them gay.

And then there’s Piers Morgan. Oh, you know this is going to be good. Piers, who was rejected by Meghan Markle years ago and then mocked her for claiming racism in Buckingham Palace and for considering suicide, had some opinions on Simone Biles. Oh goody.

Piers tweeted, “Are ‘mental health issues’ now the go-to excuse for any poor performance in elite sport? What a joke. Just admit you did badly, made mistakes, and will strive to do better next time. Kids need strong role models not this nonsense.”

I just researched this and discovered Australian comedian Jim Jefferies has never been a Make-a-Wish kid, but somehow he was still given the wish-come-true of going on national television and telling Piers Morgan to his face to “fuck off.”

I also just researched and discovered John Daniel Davidson, editor of The Federalist and avid scarf wearer, does not have a medical degree (I had to get that from his LinkedIn page as he also doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. Again, dogs, people). Despite being less qualified than Dr. Pepper to diagnose mental health, John Daniel Jingleheimer Schmidt Fucknut Mcscarfy Davidson wrote, “Biles doesn’t suffer from a specific mental illness” and that she’s not “mentally tough.”

But how do these right-wing asshats know she’s not mentally tough? How do they know what she’s going through? How can any of these men, most of them having wealth stacked on top of their white privilege, relate to a young black female who is a victim of a sexual assault? 

Do these armchair warriors understand that gymnastics is actually physically dangerous? I too am guilty of watching sports I only see competed every four years, and then shouting at the TV as if I know what’s going on, but I know I can’t do what I’m watching on TV. I know that, if I got on a skateboard, instead of winning a gold medal like 13-year-old Momiji Nishiya, I’d probably only win a broken leg. Even Olympic table tennis (ping pong) looks physically dangerous to me. I can understand the pressure of a CNN deadline, but I have never faced the pressure of doing a Yurchenko Double Pike Vault on national television with the weight of my team and nation on my shoulders. Also, I have never been a black girl or black woman. This can be proven by looking at the photo on my Wikipedia page (which some dog probably made). 

I think if you’re going to go off in a hateful manner, maybe consider where they are coming from instead of assuming everyone was born with your white privilege. The fact Simone Biles went public about a sexual assault proves she’s tougher than these white conservative privileged men. None of them has ever done anything as tough as that. 

Some of these talking fuckheads claim Simone wouldn’t be receiving praise for removing herself and being honest about her anxieties if she was a man. But would these manly men be attacking Simone if she wasn’t a black female? 

I think before these privileged white men can criticize Simone Biles, they first have to flawlessly perform a Yurchenko Double Pike Vault. Until then, as Jim Jefferies would say, fuck off. 

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Florida Hurdles


Cjones07272021

With all the talk about canceling the Olympics because of Covid, maybe we should cancel Florida?

Remember when Florida was the Republican success story? Florida’s stupid racist governor Ron DeSantis was loud and proud about disregarding CDC health guidelines and going after local governments for implementing social distancing and mask guidelines. Republicans loved to point him out in contrast to Andrew Cuomo and New York.

While New York had the highest numbers in the country at the state of the pandemic, its governor was the one official being straight with the American people at that time. We weren’t getting straight answers from Donald Trump telling us to use hydroxychloroquine and bleach…and we weren’t getting it from Ron DeSantis.

Florida leads the nation in new cases of coronavirus and its idiotic racist governor, Ron DeStupid, is promising there won’t be any lockdowns or mask mandates. He’s claiming his state will have a “normal” school year and there won’t be any requirements for students or teachers to wear face masks.

He said, “We’re not doing that in Florida. Ok? We need our kids to breathe. Is it really healthy for them to be muzzled and having their breathing obstructed all day long in school? I don’t think it is.” I don’t think DeSantis understands how face masks work.

Two things I don’t trust Republicans with are science and education. Who am I kidding? I don’t trust them with anything.

Face masks are not muzzles, like DeSantis wants for black voters, Black Lives Matter protesters, or anyone trying to teach critical race theory.

Also, DeSantis, you can breathe in a face mask. What you’re thinking of is being unable to breathe every time you shove your face up Donald Trump’s ass.

Dr. Frederick Southwick, an infectious disease expert in Gainesville said, “It’s past time for him (DeSantis) to quit his act that Florida won the pandemic.”

Dr. Bernard Ashby, a vascular cardiologist based in Miami and Florida State Lead for the Committee to Protect Health Care, said, “If DeSantis were as concerned about stopping Covid-19 spread as he was about coming up with these clever jabs at Dr. Fauci we might not be in this position.”

With the exception of Iowa and Nebraska, the top 25 states (and Washington, D.C.) in vaccination rates are states that voted for Joe Biden. Florida is currently at 26, yet it has the third-highest population in the nation.

I think I’d feel a lot safer in Tokyo than in Florida, but that’d also be in the case while we’re not in a pandemic. At the very least, you have a much lower chance of being a victim of a mass shooting in Japan than you do in DeSantis’ Florida.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

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Pineapple Express To Tokyo


cjones07122021

I totally understand the decision not to allow Sha’Carri Richardson to compete in the Tokyo Olympics after she was suspended for violating Team U.S.A.’s drug policy.

Richardson was suspended for 30 days and her victory in the 100 meters at the trials was invalidated. However, her suspension ends before her Olympic event is scheduled and the team can pick at least two athletes for the relay regardless of their performance at the trials. U.S. officials could still put her on the team, but doing so would have removed someone else who had already been named for that slot. It would not have been fair to them, even though Richardson is possibly the fastest human being alive right now and the team has a better chance with her on it to collect gold.

What I don’t agree with is Sha’Carri Richardson being suspended in the first place. Her violation of the drug policy was for smoking marijuana, pot, weed, a little reefer, ganja, hash, bud, cannabis, chronic, herb, grass, yerba, Mary Jane, sticky icky, wacky tobacky, the Devil’s lettuce, a doobie, etc. And yes. Some of us still say, “doobie.” I’m bringing it back.

Marijuana is on a list of banned substances that includes performance-enhancing drugs that athletes take to make them stronger, or faster, or have more endurance. Marijuana does NOT make anyone stronger, faster, or have more endurance. You don’t see Seth Rogen, Willie Nelson, or Snoop Dog hauling ass like Usain Bolt.

The only way marijuana can benefit an athlete is to calm them down and decrease anxiety. If anything, you would think pot would be an inhibitor for an athlete more than something that helps him or her. Michael Phelps was punished for smoking weed which should have been an embarrassment to his entire sport…because even on weed, nobody could compete against him. Flipper hasn’t shown his face since.

Simone Biles, the GOAT (greatest of all time) in her sport has been discouraged from being better than her competition because she’s so good. If they really want to make it more competitive for her competition, maybe they should make Biles eat some pot brownies.

We need to get over our national hang-up about marijuana. Weed is legal in nearly 20 states, including Oregon where Richardson was competing when she “violated” the stupid drug policy. It’s even debated if marijuana is an actual drug.

This nation needs to decriminalize marijuana and release everyone who is currently incarcerated for violating anti-pot laws. Marijuana should be legalized, not just by states, but by the federal government. It’s no worse than alcohol. Alcohol has a better lobby than marijuana.

I’m a huge advocate for legalizing marijuana which might make you think I love the stuff. A lot of people who have met me would swear from my weirdness that I’m totally high. I had a reputation in high school for being a stoner, probably because I slept in a lot of classes. At my first newspaper job, some people thought I was stoner just from my cartoons. You’d have to be high to write this stuff, right? People still walk up to me asking if I’m selling. What do I look like? Sheesh! It probably doesn’t help that the older I get, the more I look like The Dude.

Truth is, I don’t like pot. Sure, I’ve tried it here and there over the years, but at an early age, I realized I was just playing to peer pressure and didn’t truly enjoy it, so I stopped. I did lose a few friends, but most people didn’t care. I never liked the way it made me feel (paranoid), and it usually tore up my throat. Any time I’ve ever gotten high, I’ve spent the entire high wanting to come down. When I did smoke pot, it was only when someone else introduced it into a situation. The only time I ever bought weed for myself was when I gave a person I didn’t know very well a ride home, who then lost a joint in my car. I bought the lost joint from him in order for him to leave ($2.00 in the 1980s)…and then tore the car upside down finding that joint because it was my mom’s car…and if she had found it, she would have screamed at me and then she would have smoked my joint.

About four years ago, a friend was passing through town from Oklahoma (a yee-haw state) and asked if I could get some marijuana for her to purchase. She told me it was for medicinal purposes, but since she’s a Trump supporter, I knew she was lying. I didn’t care. I didn’t have an ethical problem doing this favor and I didn’t have a physical problem finding someone I know who could sell me a bag of weed. I don’t do the stuff but I know where to get it.

But I’m glad I’ve smoked pot in the past because at least I know what it does and can compare it to stuff like beer. The thing about pot is, you can still walk a straight line when you’re high. Your attention span might suck…or it might increase…but you’re usually functional. I tell people all the time I have never done illegal drugs, which is true…but I have smoked pot.

My aversion to marijuana is only about me smoking marijuana. I don’t care if other people do it. I’ve been in rock bands and I would have had a very difficult time if I refused to be around it. If anything, I grew accustomed to the scent and started to like smelling it. For me, it wasn’t band practice without the scent of weed. My bandmates never pressured me and understood I didn’t care for it. Their attitude about me not smoking was the same as mine about them smoking. Who cares? My only requirement was that they could still play while stoned. Most musicians can. And like I said, it can level you out. Rarely does someone turn into a raging asshole because of weed.

I don’t blame the Track and Field bigwigs for not allowing Sha’Carri Richardson to take someone else’s spot…but I do blame them for punishing her in the first place and taking away her spot. So she smoked a little weed? So what? She didn’t help herself and she didn’t hurt anyone by smoking weed. If anything, the committee hurt our nation by decreasing our chance at a gold medal in her relay event. If we lose to Uzbekistan, it’s all on you, Olympic nannies.

Everyone who is against legalizing weed and for punishing people who use it, should be served some hash brownies. I bet that’d make them lighten the fuck up.

Sha’carri smoked a little weed (or maybe she ate it. It doesn’t matter). A lot of people you know smoke weed. Even Republicans smoke weed. So what? Our uptight country needs to get over it.

Signed prints: The signed prints are just $40.00 each. Every cartoon on this site is available. You can pay through PayPal. If you don’t like PayPal, you can snail mail it to Clay Jones, P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403. I can mail the prints directly to you or if you’re purchasing as a gift, directly to the person you’re gifting.

Notes on my book, Tales From The Trumpster Fire: There are ZERO copies of my book in stock, which usually go for $45.00 each, signed. Another order will be placed soon. You may pre-order if you want. Also, I have copies of my first book from 1997, Knee-Deep in Mississippi available for $20.00.

Tip Jar: if you want to support the cartoonist, please send a donation through PayPal to clayjonz@gmail.com. You can also snail it to P.O. Box 9103, Fredericksburg, VA 22403.

Watch me draw: