National Enquirer

Trump Love Child


cjones04152018

“Enquiring” minds want to know. Is there a Donald Trump love child out there? A love baby The Donald didn’t want anyone to know about? And it’s not Eric? As Trevor Noah said on his show, every kid in America who doesn’t know his father is panicking right now.

It does sound far-fetched that Trump has a sixth child from a fourth woman, but the FBI is looking into whether the National Enquirer paid a Trump Tower doorman $30,000 not to speak of Trump knocking up one of his maids. Yeah, it sure does sound unbelievable, unless the payment is true. Keep in mind, the National Enquirer, along with the dumbest attorney in America, Michael Cohen, have paid women to keep quiet about shagging Donald. There is a pattern of people being paid hush agreements for stuff that “never happened.”

The National Enquirer, the bastion of journalism Trump says should be a Pulitzer Prize winning newspaper, has a program they call “catch and kill.” This works by buying a story from a source, something actual journalism outlets do not do, and they kill it, as in, they never publish the story. Sheesh. The worst Fox News does is have their talking heads attending weekly dinners with Donald Trump. When Trump says “many people want him to fire Mueller,” “many people” is Sean Hannity.

Why would a newspaper, especially a crappy gossip tabloid conduct a catch-and-release program? They didn’t catch and kill the story about John Edwards being a baby daddy. They didn’t kill the story about Ted Cruz leaving a trail of booty calls across the nation. They didn’t kill the story of Michelle Obama’s secret divorce file. They didn’t kill the story of the Hillary Clinton sex scandal cover-up. They didn’t even kill the story about Hillary only having six months to live, back in 2015. So, why wouldn’t they want to run a story about Donald Trump plowing Playboy Playmates and porn stars? Because, David Pecker, that is his real name, is a Trump supporter (I used to have an editor who I’d refer to as Mr. Pecker, but it wasn’t his actual name).

Trump’s allies are afraid, and they should be. The FBI raid on Cohen’s office, home, and hotel room may have given the feds recordings the attorney made with his clients. How stupid is that? There may be recordings between Cohen and Trump discussing all sorts of illegal and nasty stuff, like “Where should we hide all these rubles?” “Are you sure she was eighteen?” “How much pee was there?”

It’s not necessarily a crime to pay hush money, but it can be if it’s designed to manipulate an election, as in an illegal campaign contribution. There are questions about where the company that owns the National Enquirer is getting their money for these payouts, as the publication has declared bankruptcy twice.

The FBI raid had Trump’s legal team call off negotiations to have the president interviewed by Mueller’s team. Now, Mueller may issue a grand jury subpoena and there’s now reports he’s building a case for obstruction of justice to send to the Deputy Attorney General if Trump doesn’t fire him first. It’s Friday, so anything can happen tonight around 8:00 PM.

Now, who wants to do a count of how many Trump scandals involve a pecker?

Here’s the video.

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A CIA Briefing


cjones05072016

Now that Donald Trump is the presumptive Republican nominee he is going to receive briefings by the CIA. Yes, the Central Intelligence Agency. An Agency with the word “intelligence” is going to tell Trump secrets. Trump, the guy who gave out Lindsay Graham’s phone number at a campaign rally. Donald Trump. That guy.

Donald Trump, who doesn’t have the intelligence to realize a taco bowl isn’t authentic Mexican food (and whether his restaurant serves them or not), is going to receive government secrets. The odds of Trump actually becoming president are very remote, but every day a new potential horror is revealed. We’re worried about Hillary’s email server? A greater security risk is Trump’s mouth.

Since 98% of everything Trump says is a lie, the only good thing about any of this is that if he does spill a secret, no one is going to believe him…well, except for 30% of Republican voters.

Donald Trump LOVES the National Enquirer. He believes it’s real news. The National Enquirer ran two stories on Ted Cruz and Trump used both against his opponent. Those two stories involved Cruz’s father being connected to Lee Harvey Oswald (go ahead and laugh) and Ted Cruz being a super stud having multiple affairs (go ahead and laugh much harder). It also reported that Ben Carson once left a sponge in a patient’s brain. Turned out that story was false and the sponge was actually Ben’s brain.

Trump is buddies with the CEO of the Enquirer, David Pecker. No, I am not making that name up. Trump even tweeted and bragged about pecker (the CEO) and that he should take over Time Magazine. There is something more frightening to journalism than another Rupert Murdoch purchase.

I really hope Trump University doesn’t offer journalism degrees.

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The Seduction Of Ted Cruz


cjones03262016

I don’t know what’s less believable. Five women slept with Ted Cruz or that you can find five women who would admit it.

Yeah, I know. I already drew a cartoon this week on the icky bed lovin’ of Ted Cruz but that was before the National Enquirer came out with their story that Teddy Bear has been getting a whole bunch of action on the side. Did you just raise one eyebrow in disbelief or did you get all gleeful at the prospect of dirt on Ted Cruz?

I could join in on that glee business at the expense of Cruz’s political career. It would be awesome. But two things: I don’t care about his sex life and I’m much more concerned about the disaster he wants to inflict upon this nation. Four years of a Cruz administration would force the entire nation to do a walk of shame. I’m just not really interested in living in a theocracy led by Ted Cruz, whose wife and father believe is a divine messenger from God. Yeeks! That is a bigger concern than where he’s been putting Little Ted.

The second thing is, I don’t believe the Enquirer story. You’ll bring up the argument that the National Enquirer has been proven right on John Edwards, Gary Hart, Tiger Woods and a few others. OK so they’ve been right maybe three or four times…throughout their entire history.

The National Enquirer has a silent policy of no criticism of Donald Trump. They have also endorsed Trump which seems fair since their publication is probably his only news source, and odd that the National Enquirer is endorsing. That might be a reason not to vote for someone. The guy who provided this salacious information on Cruz has a history of playing dirty political tricks and he’s a good friend of The Donald, something Ted doesn’t have, friends.

The only thing that actually makes it somewhat believable is Ted Cruz’s denial. He came out strong, angry and blamed Trump. He even gave Trump a nickname, “Sleazy Donald,” which is fair since Trump keeps calling him “Lyin’ Ted.” I think these two should meet at the bike racks after school and fight it out. Trump blamed Cruz for the super pac ad of his wife, so I guess they’re even there. Trump attacks Heidi Cruz. Super pac attacks Melania Trump. Poor attention starved John Kasich is probably wondering why nobody ever calls his wife a “ho.”

None of the alleged paramours are named. Their photos are pixilated which has everyone guessing. Names are being tossed around. Normal journalism ethics are tossed out in the tabloid’s reporting, which is standard to the National Enquirer.

Sure I could be wrong on this but I’m not going to convict on such shoddy evidence.

How long until Trump brags that his mistresses are better looking than Cruz’s booty calls?

If other cartoonists read my blog they’d probably get six or seven cartoon ideas from each post.

Did you like this cartoon? Want to help a cartoonist make a living? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through Paypal. I need to buy pens, paper, sandwiches, and dog food. The starving cartoonist and his Beagle appreciates it. If you’ve donated in the past, THANK YOU!!!