Michael Wolff

The Best People


Fire and Fury is the tale of a narcissistic, incompetent, overrated, selfish, self-important human being who thought he was the most privileged and important man in the world before he became the most privileged and important man in the world.

It is also a story of how paid sycophants, who shill daily on the virtues of a moron, really feel about said moron.

I’m on the ninth chapter of Fire and Fury. My review so far is, you don’t have to buy it, even though Trump not wanting you to read it really makes it tempting. The White House has sent cease-and-desist letters to the author, publisher, and even Steve Bannon. In Bannon’s case, they’re claiming he’s lying and violating a non-disclosure agreement. You’re gonna have to figure out the logic for yourself how someone is revealing confidential information with lies.

Sure, all the cool people are reading it and a hard copy is harder to find than a brand-new Harry Potter book. But there’s nothing in it you really don’t already know.

It does provide juicy quotes and revelations, like Steve Bannon’s opinion that Donald Trump Jr. committed treason, but we already knew Don Jr. committed treason.

Maybe we didn’t know Trump watches three TVs at once in his room and lies in bed with cheeseburgers, but we knew the guy watched a lot of TV and eats cheeseburgers.

While we didn’t know Melania has a separate room from Trump, we already knew she doesn’t like him. Who blames her? She avoided moving to Washington for the first six months of the Trump administration. Sure, she didn’t want to change her son’s school, which Donald is not involved with, but all that was very convenient for a “trophy wife” who doesn’t really like being around her husband, rarely knows his location and quite frankly couldn’t care less. When someone like that is out of the house and leaving you alone, you just enjoy it and don’t ask questions. Who is shocked that the third wife of a billionaire who has bragged about cheating on her is really only in it for the money, and doesn’t actually like him? We only have to see Trump on TV and watch our nation get discarded like a Happy Meal container. She has to actually live with him.

While it might be surprising that Trump wanted a lock on his door, there’s no mention of access to Melania’s room, which has probably been allowed a lock along with a stack of furniture barricading the entrance. There’s also no mention if they’ve secretly replaced his Viagra with purple pills shaped like Bam-Bam. But, then again, I’m only on the ninth chapter.

Trump doesn’t know details. This also is not a real revelation after seeing the guy on the campaign trail for nearly two years without once ever discussing a policy detail. It’s also not surprising that the man who told us Uranium is nuclear has a fleeting attention span.

The book tells us that Trump doesn’t read or even skim, and his staff has to develop ways to present him information and to keep his attention. But we already knew Trump is semi-literate. Sure, the guy can read somewhat, but reading at a third-grade level is probably a detriment when you’re the president of the United States. Real creativity will be explaining the nuclear triad in a Curious George book. Did they even lose him during the “I’m just a bill” cartoon?

We didn’t know Ivanka made fun of her father’s ridiculous comb-over or the specifics she gave on the construction and scalp surgery, but nobody has ever been fooled that his hair is ridiculous and covering something up.

Speaking of Ivanka, who thought you filed your 2018 taxes in 2018, is really out of her depth and unqualified, along with Jared, for a job in the White House?

We already knew the White House is in chaos. What the book provides are details on the chaos. And, we already knew this was an unprepared administration whose only agenda is really Trumpism.

Nation first? Patriotism first? Republican Party first? Family first? No, no, no and no. The only agenda for Donald Trump is the promotion of Donald Trump. The presidency is just another division of Trump Enterprises, except this one has the inconvenience of requiring actual work and professionalism, which no one has executed yet.

Trumpism is about feeding Trump’s ego, making him believe he’s the most liked person on the planet and using the government to make money for Trump and to serve his interests, like keeping him out of prison.

Of course, all the Trump people are trying to destroy the book and author’s credibility. It’s hard to say this is just the product of a creative imagination as there’s nothing creative about the insults. “Idiot” is used by nearly every staffer. They’re desperately in need for some Scottish creativity with their insults. There’s not even one “cocksplat” in here.

They say the book is tabloid fodder. They deny quotes or claim they’re out of context or inaccurate. But nobody has validated the overall theme of the book that Trump is a moron more than Trump himself.

Trump’s tweet that he never granted access to the author, Michael Wolff, is the perfect illustration of the president’s stupidity. He never approved of Wolff’s access but failed to notice the guy with a blue White House pass sitting on the couch outside his office for over year. While Trump World believed Wolff was writing a pro-Trump book, the man who claims he’s the best negotiator and will not be taken advantage of by Kim Jong Un, Xi Jinping, or Vladimir Putin, got played by a “tabloid” author.

This is the first presidential administration in American history that had to send surrogates out to tell us the president isn’t stupid, insane, incompetent, and that he can read.

Like I said, knowing Donald Trump is a moron and is incompetent for the job isn’t a revelation to anyone. Of course his critics have known it but so does his staff, his family, his supporters in Congress, your dog, and yes, even the sycophants. The larger issue here is why do so many continue to support him?

Donald Trump has violated and continues every principle of a decent human being. The best quote in Fire and Fury is, “Trump is less a person than a collection of terrible traits.” We can pretend you had the best intentions and honestly wanted to make American great again when you voted for the guy trashing veterans, Gold Star families, women, minorities, and the handicapped. But, wasn’t your belief in the guy squandered on day one when he sent Sean Spicer out to lie to the American public? And if it wasn’t, then why not when he and defended Nazis and endorsed pedophiles?

The only way your principles are not compromised in supporting Donald Trump is if you are a Nazi or a pedophile.

Every Republican in Congress ignoring the election hacking by Russia, and running interference for Trump should go down with him when he’s finally charged with obstruction of justice. What have these people sold their dignity for? Trumpism?

You can be a conservative without supporting Donald Trump unless you believe your politics can’t work without the star power of a racist narcissist with shit for brains.

Trump being an idiot, moron, or a fucking fool is not a revelation. What’s truly a surprise is how stupid you are.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude

Breaking Hater Hearts


I have tried to talk to Trump sycophants so I can understand what makes them tick. Why would they sell their soul and dignity for a stupid person like Donald Trump? But I can’t do it anymore. It’s not that I want to sit in my little bubble and only hear my readers agree with me. I actually enjoy hearing people disagree with me. But anytime you challenge a Trump sycophant on policy, they typically respond with a meme. You can’t have an intelligent discussion of ideas with someone who replies with a picture of Willy Wonka calling you a snowflake. It seems you really have to believe in the stupidity coming out of the White House to defend Donald Trump. That is unless you work in the White House.

As it turns out, the people who actually know Trump and are paid to go on TV and sell his bullshit know he’s a certified dumbass.

A new book called Fire and Fury, obviously titled after one of Trump’s threats to North Korea, came out yesterday quoting White House staffers and revealing what they really think of Donald Trump. We probably won’t hear “fire and fury” from Trump anymore. If a book about Trump’s tiny penis comes out called Little Rocket Man, he’ll probably stop using that phrase too.

The book, written by Michael Wolff, reveals that almost everyone in the White House uses about 20 different words to describe Trump as an idiot. It says nobody, including Trump, expected him to win the election, Melania was assured he’d lose (she cried when he won…along with a lot of other people), and the entire campaign thought of losing as winning and it would be a great money-making opportunity.

Wolff does state at the beginning of the book that some material may not be entirely accurate, as some quotes are told through other sources. But, Wolff sat in the White House for months overhearing much of the subject matter, which tells you right there how dumb Trump is for allowing this. Trump thought Wolff was writing a pro-Trump book. Wolff also claims he has hours of tape to validate many of the claims in the book.

The juiciest revelation is that Steve Bannon craps on everybody. Trump has now disowned Bannon and claims he never had direct access to him and had no effect on his campaign. I’m surprised Trump didn’t call Bannon, who once had clearance to sit on the National Security Council, a coffee boy. Trump said that Bannon has “lost his mind,” while not contradicting any of the book’s claims.

Bannon says that the three top guys in the Trump campaign, Trump Jr., Paul Manafort, and Jared Kushner, meeting with Russians in Trump Tower was treasonous and that there’s no way they didn’t take the “jumos” one flight up to meet Trump Sr. There’s still much speculation over the definition of “jumo.”

Other details claim Trump and Melania were arguing on Inauguration Day. Ivanka made fun of her father’s comb-over, and that she and Jared have an agreement she will run for president in the future while Jared (described as an ass kisser) holds her purse.

It claims Rupert Murdoch called Trump a “fucking idiot,” which puts him in a very large club in and out of the White House.

Trump clashed with White House housekeeping. Staff members were told not to touch his belongings, especially his toothbrush. If he leaves a shirt on the floor, the staff is ordered not to touch it. Trump has his own separate bedroom from Melania and sits in bed around 6:00 PM every evening eating cheeseburgers while talking on the phone with friends (who then leak the conversations to the press). Trump requested a lock on his door which the Secret Service denied. He requested two additional televisions to be installed in his room, giving him a total of three, so he could watch TV Elvis style. Remember, Trump claims he doesn’t actually watch that much television despite constantly quoting Fox & Friends through tweets during their program.

Trump eats McDonald’s so often because he’s paranoid someone will poison him. His rationale is that McDonald’s doesn’t know you’re coming and the food is already prepared, so they can’t poison you. If that guy can eat old Big Macs it explains the burned steaks with ketchup. I personally find it impossible to eat a Big Mac older than ten minutes.

Trump’s staff believes him to be semi-literate. This I believe. Wolff writes that Trump doesn’t read and doesn’t even skim articles, briefings, or reports. Former Deputy Chief of Staff Katie Walsh reportedly said working with Trump is “like trying to figure out what a child wants.” If you have ever witnessed Trump reading during a speech, you realize it’s like that slow kid in third grade who slowed down the entire class every time it was his turn to read aloud. Except, that slow kid’s teeth probably didn’t fall out while he was reading.

Sam Nunberg, an early aide to the Trump campaign, recalled explaining the Constitution to Trump and said he could only get as far as the Fourth Amendment before Trump’s finger started “pulling down on his lip and his eyes rolled back in his head.”

My favorite quote in the book supposedly comes from an email sent by Gary Cohn, the director of the National Economic Council, which says, “Trump is less a person than a collection of terrible traits.” Yeah.

The most reported stuff is from Steve Bannon, who allowed himself to be quoted by Wolff.

Bannon believes Don Jr. will be a target for Special Counsel Robert Mueller over money laundering, and said, “they’re going to crack Don Junior like an egg on national TV.” He also goes after Jared and Ivanka and believes Jared will be targeted for money laundering, just like Junior.

Trump’s lawyers have issued a cease and desist to Bannon which is laughable. Bannon may have signed a non-disclosure agreement, but that wouldn’t apply after the campaign. Bannon worked for the American people in the White House, not Donald Trump.

The fun part of this is to see who wins who in the Trump/Bannon divorce. Bannon has already lost a major resource for funding Breitbart (you didn’t actually believe that publication made money on its own merits, did you?).

Nicole Wallace theorized that Trump will win Sean Hannity and Bannon will get Breitbart. I’m thinking deeper. Who gets the Nazis and who gets the pedophiles? Bannon better hire some good lawyers, or he’ll end up with Eric.

Creative notes: Sometimes you have to talk through an idea with another person before it can click in your own head. I was throwing this at my friend Karen and getting her input on famous breakups. The people I kept coming up with were seriously outdated, and she being cooler than I am, threw out names that are so trendy, I have no idea who they are. Who the hell are Blake Shelton and what’s-her-head? See? I already forgot half the couple? Meanwhile, the people I was thinking of were Burt and Loni, Kiefer and Julia, Lenny and Lisa, Madonna and Sean, and David Lee Roth and Van Halen. Crap I’m old.

I was open to using a fictional couple and I liked the idea of using the couple from that teenage-lovesick-vampire movie. I thought it made the cartoon dumber, which to me is funnier, but after Googling for the names I was afraid I wouldn’t be the only one to say “who?” after reading the cartoon. Maybe, if those vampires had broken up this year it would have worked for the cartoon. Plus, I’m not sure if they broke up and got back together to live in eternal vampire happiness.

Karen agreed that Brad and Angelina worked better as everyone knows who they are.

I told my friend this is the living hell my head puts me through on a daily basis. I ask my friends a lot of really stupid questions that make them worry about me.

I want to thank everyone who has donated in the past. Your support helps me continue creating cartoons and columns with a little less stress in my life. Between competing syndicates with much larger resources, timid editors, and Trump supporters who attempt to intimidate the editors who do publish anything that criticizes their idol, it’s a challenge to make a career out of this. So your support (if you can) is appreciated. Want to help me continue to create cartoons and keep doing what I’m doing (pissing off conservatives)? Look to the right of this page and make a donation through PayPal. Every $40 donation will receive a signed print (please specify which print you want or I won’t mail one). All donations will receive my eternal gratitude.