John Kasich

Never Trump Powers Colluding

“Colluding.” That’s a word I got very tired of today.

GOP presidential candidates John Kasich and Ted Cruz are “colluding” to stop Trump. The deal is this: Kasich won’t campaign in Indiana where Republicans are more fundamentalists and insane (I have a little sister and brother there so I know about the insane part) which makes the state more attractive for Cruz. Cruz won’t campaign in New Mexico and Oregon where Republicans are less reactionaries for God so they probably wouldn’t ever go for Cruz. Plus, Cruz is probably afraid of any place with “Mexico” in the name. John Kasich will go anywhere and eat anything. Sometimes he won’t leave.

The two campaigns in this “collusion” state this is to “stop Hillary Clinton.” You know the wildcard teams in the NFC playoffs don’t spend the first round thinking about stopping the AFC champion in the Super Bowl.

So in the states Cruz is bypassing, Kasich should pick up all the non-existent votes Cruz was anticipating. You know nothing equals nothing. I’m sure there’ll be more success in Indiana for Cruz when he picks up the votes of the only two moderate Republicans in the state that were originally going for Kasich. This is a Hail Mary for the Never Trump movement, which views Cruz and Kasich voters as interchangeable.

Here’s a thing about Kasich (other than eating anything placed in front of him. He’s made Chris Christie say “Damn!”): He has fewer delegates than Marco Rubio, who has dropped out of the race. He’s only won one state, which he’s governor of. He thinks he can come in last and despite nobody voting for him, that the party will anoint him their nominee at a brokered convention. And yet, Kasich is dubbed the “reasonable” one of the candidates. Yup, nobody votes for him so sure he’ll do great in the general election.

Here’s the thing about Cruz (other than he’s creepy, nobody likes him and he has to bribe his daughters with Barbie dream houses to play with him): I mentioned nobody likes him and that hasn’t changed. Cruz is extremely intelligent but his narcissism is so extreme that he doesn’t realize the Never Trump movement isn’t a campaign for Cruz. The movement is a campaign to stop Trump and they’re using Cruz. If they were actually able to stop Trump they would drop Cruz faster than you can you say “ew, get that away from me.”

For the Never Trump movement, Cruz, and Kasich to succeed, they need a better message than “never Trump.” Though, the “never Trump” message is a good one, we’re talking about getting through to stupid people. The only other message so far is “Ted Cruz” and “John Kasich.” Nobody likes those messages.

I saw two other cartoons on this issue so far and both had Cruz and Kasich as Batman and Robin. That’s not where I got my idea.

I’m not sure how well this cartoon will be understood as I don’t know if my “audience” is that familiar with The Wonder Twins. “The What Twins?”, you may ask. The Wonder Twins. They were creepy alien twins in matching leotards with Spock ears. Matching leotards? Hell, if one of my siblings bought a T-shirt I owned, I’d throw mine away. Anyway, The Wonder Twins were on Super Friends which was a horrible Saturday morning cartoon back in the day (Do they still have Saturday morning cartoons?). The twins were really lame and a little too dependent on each other, though their relationship was looked on approvingly from Batman and Robin, also fighting crime in their underoos. They were less cool than Aquaman, who talked to fish (while swimming in his green and yellow underwear). Super Friends was brutally bad and the twins had these stupid powers. They had matching rings, in addition to their leotards, and when they touched rings (creepy), they’d shout “Wonder Twins powers….ACTIVATE!”. The girl would turn into an animal of some sort and her brother would turn into an inanimate object. I felt alien dude got the short end of the stick there as his sister would turn into a lion or soaring eagle and he’d turn into a paper weight. I don’t recall how effective they were at fighting Bizarro Superman with those powers.

I don’t remember why I kept watching the cartoon…oh yeah. Wonder Woman. No complaints with her crime-fighting attire.

So you learned about The Wonder Twins today. That and John Kasich will eat anything. He would eat English food. He’d eat at Burger King. Don’t say you never learn nothing when you come here.

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Cruz In New York

It was a few months ago that Ted Cruz attacked Donald Trump for having “New York values.” That went over pretty well in the sticks of Iowa and is the sort of insult that appeals to the rube voter. Now Cruz is in New York.

After making his New York Values insult, Cruz said it wasn’t hard to figure out what it meant and that people in South Carolina knew what it meant. Now, despite it not being hard to figure out, Ted is spinning his definition as something directed toward New York big city liberals. No matter how terrible he views New York, he wants some of its 90 delegates. Cruz is handing this awkwardness about as well as someone who just asked a non-pregnant woman when is her baby due.

Cruz visited the Bronx on Wednesday where he might have been greeted a bit nicer than Hitler would have been walking through a Warsaw Ghetto. Cruz was shouted at in a variety of languages as he was met by protesters. One stated “Ted Cruz has no business being in the Bronx, this is an immigrant community,” He had to cancel a visit to a Bronx high school Thursday as students threatened to walk out. Many in the five boroughs are telling Ted what he can do with his photo op. Too bad there’s not a primary in Canada.

New Yorkers aren’t in love with Donald Trump either but in a race against Cruz he’s pulling in over 50% in the most recent polls. I guess they can forgive he uses a fork to eat a New York slice. He held a rally, also greeted by protesters, but also left many supporters unable to squeeze into the room. Suddenly, Trumps New Yorker accent got a lot thicker. “This guy, he talks about us like we ain’t no good.”

John Kasich stand no chance to win in New York, but he does know how to experience the city. Ohio’s governor visited Mike’s Deli in the Bronx and got food busy. He ate two plates of spaghetti bolognese. That would have been lunch for me but Kasich didn’t stop there. Next he tackled a sandwich called the Yankee Stadium big boy which contains mozzarella and four types of meat. The sandwich was huge. He then had some pasta fagioli and a little red wine. Kasich left the deli wiping sweat off his brow. If he’s anything like me he went into a food coma and needed a nap later. Damn. Now I’m hungry.

Cruz also visited Mike’s Deli on Wednesday where he was told how to eat a sandwich. Apparently it’s bad luck to place it upside down (I always do that whether it’s a sandwich or a burger. Uh Oh!).

When Cruz made his remark on New York Values we had yet had a primary. Since then he lost big where he was supposed to win, the South. Evangelicals voted for Trump. How about that, Ted? All of a sudden Cruz needs New York. If Cruz had done better in the South he wouldn’t even be campaigning in New York today. But hey, Ted, if you can make it there you can make it anywhere. You ain’t gonna make it. There’s four more boroughs in the city and I think I can speak for everyone that you should visit each of them. The New York Daily News splashed across their front page “Take the FU train, Ted.” Good idea. Don’t expect to use tokens.

I think it’s safe to bet neither Trump or Cruz would ever eat anything named “fagioli.”

Republican Loyalty

I hate to use a cliche but a Republican loyalty pledge isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. For the love of God, this loyalty pledge was the very first question at the very first Republican debate. Now they’re all breaking it?

The GOP has been freaking out and in full-rage panic mode for the past few months. They are extremely afraid Donald Trump will be their nominee and not just lose the presidency, but lose the Senate and House in the process.

For months Ted Cruz has been running as an anti-establishment candidate. Today the establishment is coalescing around him and you don’t hear Ted bash the establishment anymore. The establishment is so fearful of Trump that their hero is Ted Cruz.

I don’t think they’re looking beyond the poll numbers of Trump versus Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders. Yes, the GOP stands to lose big with a Trump nomination but they could be in the same nasty chunky brown water with Cruz.

Nobody likes Cruz except for extremely scary people. The people who are scarier than those falling for Cruz as a last resort are those who loved the guy at the start of the race. When Cruz is in a race one-on-one with one of the Democrats his record and stance on the issues will have a brighter spotlight and nobody sane is going to like it.

This brings us to the Loyalty Pledge. At the beginning of the race the GOP was afraid of the possibility of Trump running an independent campaign in the general election if he didn’t win the nomination. So they came up with the Loyalty Pledge which each candidate signed swearing they would support the eventual nominee. Of course none of these freaks expected that nominee to be Super Freak. They expected him to implode at any time and yeah, we all did. He hasn’t.

It’s not just the current candidates who sucks at a promise. Many of those who dropped out threaten they won’t support Trump (except for Christie and Carson). All this after making a big deal about how Trump wouldn’t keep his word.

Trump can’t be counted on keeping his word but let’s throw him out of the mix since he’s a maniac and a pathological liar. Trump has promised, broken the promise, came back to re promise, then broke it and I’ve lose count. Look at the other two candidates.

John Kasich and Ted Cruz signed the thing. Kasich is saying he can’t support Trump and he’s probably not that crazy about supporting Cruz. Ted Cruz says he can’t support Trump, a man who has insulted his wife.

I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to support Donald Trump. I blame them for breaking their word. Ted Cruz was in love with Donald Trump. He was Trump’s remora, clinging to the side of his campaign and swimming in his wake to eat up his sloppy leftovers. The man couldn’t say enough nice things about Trump. Now he doesn’t like him. What changed? Did Trump just suddenly become a crazy, offensive human being last week? No. This isn’t new. Ted Cruz being a sleazy lying opportunistic piece of crap isn’t new either.

These guys like to talk about how Hillary lies. She is not the most honest candidate and frankly I’m not looking forward to a scandal plagued Clinton administration (real scandals with cabinet members having affairs, dallying with prostitutes, and hiring illegals from Ecuador. Not those fake Obama scandals Republicans create. The Clintons surround themselves with very shady people like Dick Morris). What would be supremely worse would be a Cruz, Trump or Kasich administration where they can’t keep any promise, except for those that destroy the nation like putting a Bork on the Court. It won’t matter if they swear on the Bible when they take their oath. I promise they will destroy the country.

I’m looking forward to the brokered convention when this pledge comes into play. Trump may not be the nominee as his party can change the rules, thus voiding out all the primary results. They’re in love with Cruz right now to keep Trump from getting enough delegates. Watch these traitors turn on Cruz at the convention and nominate someone who can wage a campaign and stop the bleeding against the Democrats. The GOP may have secretly given up on the White House in 2016 and be fighting to keep Congress.

What’s the point of a loyalty pledge if you don’t have to keep it? What’s the point of believing in any of their promises if they can’t keep the most simple one? What is the point of giving us candidates you can’t believe in? I repeat, this was their very first promise at the very first debate. If you can’t keep your first promise you can’t be counted on to keep any.

Republican Road Rage

I hate the Clown Car analogy that’s been tossed around to describe the Republican candidates for president. It’s not that I disagree with the description. It’s that it’s a lazy analogy and not creative at all. If Chris Matthews uses it then you shouldn’t (and it’s an analogy he repeats every day). So I may be the only American editorial cartoonist (who’s not a conservative hacker) who has not used that analogy. But after seeing the last Republican debate (I didn’t watch all of it, just the hightlights), it did remind me of family road trips from Hell.

Sorry if this brings up bad memories. I was raised the youngest and had an older brother and sister so I probably can’t complain about them being the pain in the butt…it was me. I also have a younger sister and brother but I wasn’t raised with them. Long story.

I never intended to insert Kasich into this cartoon. As I was lettering the text I thought how funny it would be if he was left at a rest stop (probably in Ohio). There’s always that kid without any charisma that you forget, sometimes because the other kids are competing for attention. At the debate before the New Hampshire primary Kasich was forgotten. It took Chris Christie to remind the moderators that they forgot to introduce Governor Blah.

Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Debate Terms

The Republicans have submitted debate demands to the networks. These include:

No “gotcha” questions. Basically any question a candidate can’t answer, like how their math doesn’t add up, is a gotcha question.

Nobody can bring props which really disappoints me. I was really hoping to see Ted Cruz make balloon animals.

They want a ten minute break. Apparently none of the candidates has a strong bladder. They’re not Hillary Clinton who can be grilled for 11 hours.

Each candidate will get a 30-second opening statement which was negotiated down from Ben Carson’s plan of 30-minute opening statements.

No lightning rounds which is sad because I was hoping candidates would get struck by lightning for each fib.

The temperature has to be kept at 67 degrees. I think this was a Rubio demand since they won’t let him bring a cooler on stage.

Donald Trump has said screw the Republican Party’s negotiations and he’ll negotiate separately. Does that mean the room will be like a fancy car’s air system where the area over Trump’s podium will be kept at a different temperature? Will Trump negotiate a lifeline?

I think I drew the candidates in bikinis a couple of months ago. I can’t remember when or what point I was making (I just looked it up. I drew them as transgenders and it was published June 2). I usually can’t remember what I drew yesterday. However I do remember that yesterday I drew soldiers in women’s heels. I don’t know why I like drawing guys in drag. I’m not right. I’m going to blame it on watching too many Bugs Bunny cartoons as a kid. I also like the idea that somewhere soon someone will gag on their Cheerios while reading their morning paper. I also get small pleasure when someone informs me I made them spit coffee on their keyboard.

You read these cartoons at your own risk. You know how warped my mind is.

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claytoonz

Nationally Syndicated Editorial Cartoonist